I Am Speed

I got a really nice workout finished just now. Pumped hard for chest and triceps, then went pretty fast on the elliptical set at level 4 (roughly equivalent to how a treadmill can increase incline).

Without a spotter, I managed 2 sets of benching 95 pounds for 10 reps a set. I didn't want to put on any heavier or any more sets without a spotter. So I'm going to estimate that 95 pounds as my 80% of my 1rm, making my 1rm estimated at 118.75 lbs. Not that great of a 1rm, but considering I haven't touched a bench press in about a year and stopped doing push ups regularly in that time span, not too bad of a strength loss.

I also got to use the cable machine for some really good pec workouts, going diagonally top to bottom, going across, and coming up diagonally.

There were some less significant machines used like tricep pulldown, chest press, fly machine, and tricep pushdown.

Elliptical time was like I said set at level 4. I set my PR for 1 mile in 7 minutes 33 seconds. Nearly 8mph. That's pretty darn good since I typically do my running on a flat treadmill around 6mph. I probably could've shaved some time off the PR if I had decided to test my PR right from the get go. But 7:33 is a solid PR, and I'll take it.

Whoops

I miiiiiiiight've slept through my morning classes........ again.

And that's really not good because:
A) Skipping class is not good to begin with

B) I'm already planning to miss 2 full days of classes during the week after spring break.

C) I'm going to lose points for one of the absences for my coms class. And I reeeeeally can't lose any unnecessary points when I'm already behind on work and I need to do way better than last semester to pick up my GPA and to actually get credit for it this time around.

Progress

So I was curious as to how I looked in the mirror. Again, I hate saying that because it makes me sound super vain and I don't like people who are spending 100% of their time looking in the mirror. At the same time, if I just let my arms hang to the side in a relaxed position, I can kinda feel my lats (short for latissimus dorsi, and are the "wing" muscles on your back. Largest muscle used in pull ups, and are one of the largest on your back. Don't quote me because I'm not the best source for anatomical knowledge). Previously, I've not been able to feel my lats like that before, so it must be because I'm growing in strength and muscle mass. It feels good.

So I looked in the mirror, and while I still have visible fat (everybody does to some extent unless all your days are spent working out), I look significantly better. I look decently strong. My abs are starting to show again (when I flex lol), my pecs are noticeable without flexing (although flexing helps), and I just look overall stronger and in better shape than before.

I can't wait to keep on training and see how I look in a few weeks (progress, especially fitness, does not happen overnight, it happens over a few weeks with consistent training and eating well).

Some of Y'all Need to Learn How to Stop

I get it. Maybe some of the things I've done were petty already. But giving me this "tough love" crap ain't going to change a thing. You want me to stop? The best course of action is for you to stop trying to talk me down like I'm some 5 year old who threw a temper tantrum over a cookie. I'm 19 years old, and while that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm mature. Read my previous posts to know that I don't even consider myself mature.

But that's beside the point. You need to be able to treat me as if I know what I'm doing. Sure I don't mind it if you do push and nudge me a little bit to keep me on the right course. But if you're not going to acknowledge my stance on a topic, or in the case over a post I wanted deleted because the post itself was already just petty and unnecessary, then don't expect me to react in a "oh okay I'll remember that for next time" kind of attitude.

No, if you've read one of my first posts, you'll know that my dark side has been unleashed, and I'm not going to contain it if you are aggravating me to resort to it.

To call me out on my foul language? MINE? What about yours? Don't tell me to watch my language if you aren't innocent of foul language yourself. I know all of you have used your fair share of foul language fairly recently, and the one time I blow up, all the sudden foul language is off the table? Like a story once told to me from my dad (who probably got it from the Bible or something, I honestly don't know), don't worry about the splinter in someone else's eye when you've got a log in yours.

Sure I've probably got a huge log in mine, but don't worry about my problems with swearing and foul language if you haven't worked on it yourself. Until you can prove to me that you can go a week or more without using foul language nor even feeling the urge to, then maybe I'll take your word more seriously if you tell me to watch my language. But if you can't go even a week, or even as few as a few days, then don't expect me to take a hint and try to limit my language. I would apologize, but you don't deserve an apology unless you truly don't swear.

None of you deserve an apology for my actions or retaliations tonight. NONE OF YOU.

Don't tell me to stop.

I can't be stopped.

I won't be stopped.

I'll stop when I want to stop.

Confusion

So in comparison to last week, I basically spent all day every day with my newest friend group, but the only friend group that I've bonded with to this level and so fast (as it's been less than 3 weeks). These past 2 days, we took a break, which I'm not entirely sure why, but we did. It's been nice to have some time to myself, to enjoy my time, and I guess in a ways regenerate my batteries, so to speak.

But the weird thing is that I really miss the being just in their presence. Like while we do spends hours upon hours with each other, there are chunks of the time that we aren't really doing anything together necessarily. Like we might be doing homework so we kinda just go into our own world of our minds. But we're physically together.

Maybe because of all those hours spent (I'm going to guesstimate maybe 40-50 hours with each other over the entirety of the week) was how we bonded so quickly. I mean I've not hung out with anyone for that amount of time, in such short of a time period. Of course over months and maybe even years, I'll amass that many hours or more, but to do so in a week?

The reason why this post is titled "Confusion" is because I feel slightly confused. I love my own time as I'm more of an introvert now (used to be ambivert, or according to the Meyers Briggs test, enough of an extrovert to be labeled as extrovert. Used to be ESFP "The Entertainer" according to 16 personalities, and now I'm ISFP "The Adventurer"), but with this group, I seemingly have a new kind of "battery" where things get lonely when I'm not with them. I'm pretty sure one of the first things I texted the group chat when we decided to hang out was that my "social battery" only lasts so long, so if I start to zone out, that's why. But now it seems like while my social battery is recharged from being away, I have a sort of new battery that is dying and only charges when I'm with them. It's weird if you ask me. Hence the confusion.

So, I can't wait for the next time I get to be with them all, but I also think it was good to have my own time, and remind myself of who I am. To remind myself that I am still a person who needs to have time to work on themselves and not focus 100% on socializing. But I really do enjoy socializing with this one group.

Fun fact, that has never happened before. So, if any of my friends from this group read this, consider yourself special that I long for your presence and that I really do enjoy all of you. I love you all.

P.S. Now that 16 personalities tells me I'm ISFP and the title they gave it is "The Adventurer", does that mean someone is going to be lodging an arrow in my knee? Hopefully more of the Nordic slang rather than a legit arrow. But if I took a legit arrow to the knee, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'd be making the arrow to the knee joke a million times and then some before I die.

Yikes

Holy moly, it sure does suck when someone enters the room and brings a very strong and pungent wet dog smell and it lingers in the room. My nose wants to do the die now. How does anyone even achieve that kind of smell? I don't understand how it's even possible.

Also, please maintain basic hygiene. Wear deodorant, make sure to clean yourself well when you shower. Just be a considerate human being who knows that everyone else has noses too. Especially if other people live there too.

Sometimes It Be Like That

Perhaps I shouldn't be writing this, but I just need to get it out. While I have pretty much moved on from my last crush, I'm still mega salty about it. I mean like the title of the post says "sometimes it be like that" and I could just say that and move on. I just don't like it when people either lead me on and drop me off, or just give me empty promises. Or just wasting my time in general.

Like I don't know if it's entirely fair for me to say that, but all I was trying to do was get to know my last crush better. She said she'd let me know when she's free so we can get together and get to know each other better. A month and 2 days later, no messages at all. This was a huge empty promise. Don't ever tell me that you'll make time to hang out with me, then just ghost me. I'd much rather you be straight up and say "I don't really want to hang out with you" than to keep saying yes over and over and then dropping me off without a warning.

Thanks for nothing, I guess.

Battery's Don't Make Sense

Can someone explain how my phone can kill the final 5% of the battery in literally 10 seconds while I just plugged it in and everything? Like how does that make any sense whatsoever?

Maybe because it's cold-ish outside and I know that cold or hot temperatures can make the battery run down really fast, but that was lightning fast. And it's not even that cold outside. It's 45 degrees Fahrenheit. That's not cold at all!

Snoring......

I don't mean to constantly complain but the one thing that irks me is that one roommate claims I snore yet it's just me breathing deeply (while sleeping). I don't snore, and then ironically that same roommate who accuses me of snoring actually snores the most in the room. I know this is kinda petty to post about, but don't falsely claim I snore lol.

Like I heard you talking to the other roommate and you tried mimicking my breathing because he asked if I were awake or not. You made a snoring noise but guess who actually does the snoring?

Life

Before I begin, allow me to state that I'm not saying I'm ungrateful for my life, where I've been, where I am, and where I will go. I'm just confused. And I need to vent.

I don't exactly know how I want to word this, but I just know that there are just those times in life where you really enjoy where you're at, and then you begin to notice things and with a couple of nudges here and there, somehow it just does a 180 and it seems like everything is against you and that you have no idea what happened.

To be fair, maybe I got a little ahead of myself, and given my past, it was bound to cause some damage if things didn't go as planned or as hoped for.

Still, I'm an adult now (well I'll go by recent psychology terms and choose "emerging adult" since I'm within the 18-25 year old range that is defined in this stage of life. Mainly because I just don't feel like an adult yet. I'm 19, going on 20 in July, but it just doesn't feel that much different than before 18. I digress), and I should be more mature. I should be able to handle the twists and turns, the hairpin curves of life.

Keyword being "should".

Am I mature? No.

That's not to say that I'm as immature as a 5 year old who didn't get the ice cream he or she wanted. I mean to say that while I am more definitely more mature than I was, even a year ago. But that's also not to say that I'm the most mature that a boy going into manhood can get to.

So why do I bring up maturity, and my perceived state of maturity that I have reached? Well, because I do have ideas of how I want to express my maturity, I know that I do not actually have the ability to complete even as I wish. Why? Because that's just within my personality and how I've been.

Some areas of my life are more sensitive than others. And before you argue, "well Geoff, that's just how it is, and you kinda brought that on yourself,", trust me when I say that I am aware of that. I chased after something that was not for me, and then I get hurt. I did that repeatedly, which causes that area of my life to become more and more sensitive to the next time the pain almost inevitably happens.

I know I should just trust the Lord in all of this, but given the fact that I've never really focused on my faith/walk with God for so many years, despite claiming to be a Christian for the past, oh I don't know, 16 years give or take (my family didn't start going to church till I was in preschool). While I did go to church every Sunday, save for a few exceptions, like if we were physically unable to go, or if the weather made it impossible to get there safely, or whatever reason you can think of that would make some sense to skip, I just never really bothered to read the Bible on my own, much less even pray on my own.

So yes, it's hard for me to trust in the Lord. I know I should just do that and then "all will be well and everything will fall into place", but it's just not something I am used to, nor am I comfortable with just yet.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to trust the Lord with everything. I bet it's nice to not have to worry about the minute things in life such as where the food will come from, where my clothes will come from, where my next paycheck will come from, etc.

I just haven't built that trust with the Lord. I know that no matter what, He will still love me, and He will never leave nor forsake me, but I'm just unsure. I know that my next step, no matter how unknown it may feel, that the Lord will create solid ground for me to connect to, I just have to trust that He will be there.

I keep digressing. While I would normally apologize, I'm not going to. I need to express my feelings of being upset. Wow that was not great grammar. Oh well, it's a blog, who honestly cares? It's not like this is an English course that I'm writing for. Whoops, I digress yet again.

I guess I could go back to the topic that caused me to want to vent, but that's not something I'm ready to share. I don't know who opens my blog, or who reads this, and while it may seem unfair since I might have hooked you, the reader, in, I have no way of knowing who's going to read it. This is a need-to-know basis, and all that you need to know is that I'm upset and while I can argue that I have every right to be, I also have to be an adult and not be that upset.

All I'm going to say is that it's probably better for me anyways because it's most likely better for me to have something naturally occur and develop, rather than me forcing anything, because that is unnecessary stress and strain that I really don't need at this point in my life. Heck, I don't even need it at any point in my life.

Yet here I am, being a goof on the internet because I let myself get here.

Dark Humor at its Finest

So we were joking about our family tree and how Tristan's an "abusive father" because he gives me tough love lol (not actual abuse, don't call this in, if you do you aren't my friend anymore). So then someone says "Tristan how would you be as a real father" and he jokingly says "I'd probably kill it", to which my dark humor just turned on in an instant and I said, "then move to New York" (given the whole unfortunate, new abortion laws). Perhaps not my cleanest humor. Definitely among my darkest. But oh well. It was funny to poke fun at the New York dumb dumbs who think abortion is okay.

New Church Feels Like Home; Feels Good

Thanks to Kerri for inviting me to attend her church here. It was a really good experience. Hyland Heights Baptist Church feels just like my church at home, so it felt really good for something that's pretty close to a familiar church that I've been to. It was much better than the times I've been to Thomas Road Baptist Church. That church just didn't feel like home. I don't know how to explain it. But it just didn't feel like I fit in there. Maybe I'll start regularly going to Hyland Heights.

Irony at its Finest

Rumor has it that there was a tweet from some person that stated "I will never post personal issues or problems with other people on social media because it does not involve other people", then a later tweet that incriminates me as being inconsiderate for turning off a fan that was extremely loud at 3 a.m.

Sure, it was probably a bit inconsiderate, but if you're going to claim you won't post personal issues on social media, then post personal issues on social media, talking bad about me, then delete your claim about not posting on social media, who's really the bad guy here?

I don't mean to say that I am 100% innocent in this situation. But if the room was relatively quiet and then a loud noise is being made from whatever, fan or not, don't blame me if I attempt to reestablish a quiet environment since I do actually have to get up for an 8:15/9:20. I really don't mind you having a fan on, but at least have it turned on before I sleep so it's a consistent white noise, rather than rudely turn it on whenever it is convenient for you.

And then don't post these nonsensical "personal issues are not social media's problem" but then be a hypocrite about it all.

I'd rather you be upfront and blunt about whatever it is that I'm doing that bothers you, rather than you talk bad about me. I have my connections too, and someone will inform me about your hypocritical behavior.

I'm So Happy With My New Pics

Curry came through and gave us some nicely edited pictures, and now I got a new PFP for Facebook.

I'm so happy.

I love my friends.

They love me.

Enjoy my pics.

Or don't, because I won't force my views on you :)

Thanks Kerri!

To Workout or Not To Workout

I didn't workout today, so I guess last Friday was an anomaly rather than the start of an additional workout day. So do I shift it to Saturdays? I don't really do much on Saturdays, and I can probably use the exercise. But then do I really want to push myself to workout on the weekend?

The Body is Confusing

I've been working out on a pretty regular basis, with the hope to achieve shodan (1st degree black belt) in Aikido this summer. Also with drawing inspiration from Bruce Wayne hehe.

I don't get how my body can do the seated leg press at 135 pounds for 3 sets by 8 reps, with a fourth set being till failure, which usually caps out around 12-16 reps. Meanwhile yesterday, when I did my leg day, I hit 3 sets of 12 reps of walking lunges, holding a 20 pounds dumbbell in each hand. So I was lunging my body weight plus an extra 40 pounds, and I feel sore in my quads and in my glutes.

I guess the answer is right there. Bodyweight plus an extra 40 pounds would mean that, assuming my legs are lunging my entire bodyweight given that the legs weigh a solid chunk of my weight, I'd be attempting to stand up from the lunge at around 228.8 pounds (188.8 + 40). That's a solid chunk of weight right there. I don't know if that's how the calculations would actually work, as I'd reckon the weight being stressed on the forward leg is probably less than total bodyweight with the extra weights. But even if we take off like 20-30 pounds for the forward leg, that's still close to the front leg pressing up my entire self.

I'm trying out different exercises, and trying to find more practical movements to get me to become my own sort of Batman.

Ups and Downs

Today was a pretty good day for me. I might've not gone to class from sleeping through it lol. But I had lunch at SubCo and I got 3 cookies instead of just 2. And of my personal favorite, double chocolate chip. I mean apparently I'm not doing SubCo right, but it's not like I can get white chocolate macadamia cookies. Thanks allergies.

I love an extra cookie.

Then I got to dress up and go do a photo shoot with friends because Kerri wanted to. Of course I wasn't going to turn down an opportunity to use my Gryffindor tie. Pictures will follow in another blog post, whenever Kerri gets a chance to send them my way.

The down parts of today? I might've sliced my finger. By might've I mean I definitely did. A small cut, and a relatively shallow cut. But it was deep enough to produce a lot of blood. Not like gushing blood, but enough that it was mildly concerning. Of course I learned my lesson with the knives. To not recklessly play with it. But it's probably something I wouldn't necessarily have learned if I didn't cut myself. Sure my friends keep telling me to stop joking around with the knife, but knowing my stubbornness and goofy nature, I wouldn't listen till it happened. I'm just glad it ain't a serious cut.

I did get some cool aesthetic pictures of my knife stuck into a wooden fence though. Check 'em out!

And then when I finally got back to my room, I wiped my smeared blood off, and cleaned up my finger. I applied triple antibiotic ointment, and wrapped it all up with a bandage. I'm such a klutz.

At least I learned my lesson and managed to get it all patched up without too much hassle or serious concern that I'd bleed out all over the place. So far, it's been a really great day, and I'm feeling a lot better than I was at 2 A.M. See the previous posts if you're super curious about what I mean. But I'm going to try to make my life as good as possible, and try to be more open about my limits with my friends since they never truly mean to hurt me, but they can't possibly know what will hurt me if I never share with them the limits. Lessons learned.

How is My Mind Like a Light Switch?

Today, or rather yesterday since it's almost 2 a.m., was a great day to start. I felt confident as all, I felt good about myself, and I felt like I found an inner peace and thought I knew that I am where I'm supposed to be.

That was the day time.

Come nightfall, and now I feel broken, I feel sadness. I thought I finally had everything under control, yet here I am, moping at my computer at 2 am. Why aren't in bed? Why didn't I finish my homework? Why am I contemplating to skip my morning classes?

I had so much confidence and so many feel good vibes, and I thought I was finally moving in the right direction. That nothing can stop me. That nothing the world throws at me will become something that will slow me down.

Aaaaaaand now we're here. Something isn't adding up.

How do I go from super confident to broken and feeling shattered like glass?

It's a different kind of brokenness that I am experiencing. The only brokenness that I am used to is heartbreak. I know what that feels like. It literally feels painful in my heart.

But this? This is a mental break. Something that's never happened before. I've never let what someone says break me this much. Sure it was a joke. Sure I've been bullied for a solid 5 years in a row.

So why did this all get to me? I think I have the answer.

While I did already get apology messages that said that nothing that was said to me was intentional and that it was all for humor, it still sticks, like snow on a grassy plain.

Typically these insults, or roasts, or whatever the kids are calling them these days just bounce off my shields. Where was my shield? Gone. Why? Because I had built this trust. And when you trust people, you are also trusting that the best will come out of any interaction. It makes it easy for something to slip in like a dagger. To stab you when you least expect it. To cause you mental harm when you thought you finally found a place where you can rest easy in this harsh world.

I'm not saying I'm depressed or anything like that. I'm just hurt.

You could argue that I should just accept the apology and move on, but I don't know. I need space, but I want them. But I can't have them if I want space.

I Wish I Could've Stopped Myself

My humor is strange. I'm nowhere near the best, and most of it are puns. My only other decent humor is dark humor. So if I don't want to do either of them, what do I resort to? Self-roasting humor.

I know that making fun of yourself a little bit is good and lighthearted. But I've done it too much. And now it has become so frequented in our jokes that it appears as if the others see it as a green light to go ahead and roast me even more.

I'll admit, I had fun with it at first. But now, I've realized that I found my limit. I'm literally going to break down if I get roasted anymore, in any other aspects of my life.

I should've stopped myself. I should've declared what areas I was okay with being roasted about. I should've drawn the line at some point. I should've been assertive.

But that's not me. I'm not assertive. I always try to impress or please or humor others at the expense of myself.

And now look what it's done to me.

I should've stated that my academic history is not to be made fun of. I should have stated that it's not okay to say that I'm not wanted.

Because those two areas are extremely sensitive. I know I shouldn't be as upset as I am, but I can't help it.

MY GRADES are NOT FOR YOU to bring up to others. That's MY JOB to do that if I WISH to disclose that information. NOT YOUR JOB to barge in a tell MY FRIENDS how I've done academically.

I get it. I can't be selfish and say, "You can't be friends with them because they're my friends,". But you've also gotta realize that there are some things you shouldn't be saying about me to them, without my permission.

I don't want to break bonds though. I don't want to throw away 1.5 years of an otherwise great friendship.

Then back to the other sensitive topic. I struggle with loneliness. And not the "oh boo hoo I'm single" kind of loneliness. The kind that it seems like no one wants you. Being bullied for all 3 years of middle school and the first 2 years of high school has scarred me.

I don't know if people genuinely value my presence, or if I'm worth anything to anyone. Or am I a pity case? Am I the guy that "oh no one else is hanging out with him, so let's invite him and allow him to hang out with us since no one else will?"

I don't mean to accuse anyone of not appreciating me for me, but it sometimes feels like I'm a pity case. That I'm the runt of the litter. The one that literally no one wants but will take if they have no other option.

I get it that we call each other family and have assembled this fun little family tree. I don't mind being marked as the youngest since I actually am the youngest.

But when roasts, no matter if they were intentional or not, end up saying "nobody else wants you" or something with a similar effect (I forgot the exact wording but whatever it was it actually got to me), are laid out, I just realize that maybe I'm not wanted and maybe I'm just the cannon fodder for someone else's jokes. That I'm only there so that everyone can get a mutual laugh out of.

I know I'm not worthless, and that in fact I am priceless because of what my Savior has done for me, but sometimes I just get these moments of, "while the Lord says nothing will ever be able to buy me away from Him, I feel like I'm nothing".

I am just so hurt right now.

I want to still be there and do things with my friends.

But is it worth the cost?

Is it worth what it's doing to me mentally?

Is it worth being constantly called something I am not?

Why do people not treat me the way I treat them?

I know I'm not perfect and that I'm not the best person to look to when it comes to talking about treating others well, but I can't recall making constant roasts towards another because I usually just turn it inwards to myself.

Why does it feel like I am a pity case?

I know my worth, and I want to still be friends with these people. But I have my limits too.

I'm human too.

Why can't people realize that?

Why can't my FRIENDS realize that?

I'm broken.

You want to know the limits of Geoff? Here they are.

Where's the Limit?

I know it's all about good fun and stuff, but sometimes you just reach your limit. I don't wanna snap and lash out, because that's an easy way to burn bridges.

But I don't know. Can I take the heat? Is it worth it? I don't know.

I mean I almost snapped today, but I clenched my teeth/held my tongue. I just don't like being the target all the time, or at least it seems like I'm the primary target.

I don't want to complain either, because that would just make me look too sensitive, and that I should just lighten up since it's a joke.

Even though I can't truly complain since I make these jokes at myself, but when everyone else is making similar jokes all the time, I can't take it.

I don't want to be a snowflake.

But I also don't want to feel this way.

Help

Bus Driver Rick is the Best

Title says enough, but to make it better, as I get on the bus, I just use this stupid accent and say "Ahoy!" Then BD Rick acknowledges and says ahoy back to me. We don't deserve this man. He's a literal godsend who knows how to bless people's days with his overwhelming (in a good way) friendliness.

The Power of Mountains

I changed my blog's background, and it feels like it suits me more. While it does have the nice aesthetic of a majestic mountain in the background, there's some meaning behind it that I really appreciate.

Mountains are typically the obstacle in your life. Sometimes your next challenge is just a little happy hill, and it's not that hard to overcome. Sometimes, however, the next challenge is a mountain. You can sit at the base of it and say, "Well, I guess this is the end for me because there's no way that I'm making it past that".

Or you can say, "Whether they be hills or mountains, I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). And with that notion in my mind, it leads me back to my life verse, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us," (Hebrews 12:1). I know that while I may not appreciate whatever is going on in my life, that it's just another obstacle for me to overcome. I simply cannot stand by and wait for this all to fade away, because quite frankly, it isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

The other application of this mountain is that it is a reminder that I must be able to love. And one may think, "well just love someone else and you're loving, right?" Wrong. I must teach myself to love myself and the Lord my God as much as I possibly can before I can fathom loving another person. "If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all His mysterious and making everything as plain as day, and if I have the faith that says to a mountain, 'jump,' and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. I give everything I own to the poor or even go to the stake to burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, what I do, I'm bankrupt without love," (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).

The first time I heard that passage in 1 Corinthians, I never realized it was right out of the Bible. I heard it in for KING & COUNTRY's song "Proof of Your Love". Now that it has been brought to my attention, and now that I have been educated to love myself in my season of singleness, it reminds me to make sure that I am loving myself and loving my God before I dare to say I love someone else.

This is a new journey that I'm embarking on. One where I will learn to love myself as the Lord God loves me. I will also learn how to love Him and attempt to love Him at similar levels as He loves me, but I know that will not be possible because God's love is never-ending.

I am surrounded by friends and family who love me. Even my new friends, we have built this bond of trust that we call each other family. Whether they jokingly say it because we have our inside jokes, or whether they truly mean it when we say we are family, I will call them my family. They have done nothing but loved me, so that I can learn to love myself. I am excited for this new path that God has revealed to me. I am ready for the next leg of the race that I am supposed to run. I am ready to take on the world.

Confidence

You ever just finally commit to that regular workout routine, and manage to keep it consistent for 4-5 weeks in a row, that you are finally starting to see some results? You see that your shirts seem a little tighter, and it's beginning to accentuate your muscles a little bit? Or you look at yourself in the mirror, and you can start to see your abs again, because you're burning off fat? Or you just overall feel more powerful and feel like you can take on the world?

Because all of that is me right now. I feel strong. I feel lighter. I feel good. Really good. By no means am I going to claim I'm the most buff guy around, nor even close to being "ripped" or "swole". But I do feel good about my progress, I feel good about how I feel, and I feel good about how I look. I'm going to keep on pressing through this and hope that the progress shows even more results in the coming weeks.

Guys and gals, I feel amazing, and there's nothing you can say to me that will change my mind.

The Lord Moves in Mysterious Ways

Guys and gals, I just wanted to let you guys know that I feel rejuvenated in my faith tonight, and that I believe I felt the Holy Spirit moving through me. Let me explain.

So typically during worship, whether it be at church or at convo, I don't raise my arms or hands. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm not really getting into it, or maybe I have this subconscious feeling that I might get judged for doing so, even though why would someone judge me?

But tonight, during the hour long worship session that was campus community tonight with Hillsong NY, I felt like I should raise my arms. I felt like I should really get moving to the music. And I feel amazing. I know it's only step one of probably millions towards the right destination for me, but the Lord has moved me, and I think it's time I really do try to invest myself even more into my faith.

I know I've said that I would invest myself more, but it's about time that I finally do that. I also got to watch 2 videos of sermons talking about relationships and what should be focused on, before the person, and the why, in the sense that I should love myself and the Lord before I can really love any girl to eventually and hopefully marry. Thanks, Tristan, for being persistent and making sure I watch those videos.

I hope to pick up where I left off in Romans, and then finish off Hebrews since I started that awhile ago. Guys, I feel good, and I feel like I'm finally finding the place where the Lord wants to put me.

People Can't Drive

Pedestrians get the right of way if they're already in the crosswalk. So riddle me this when I get dirty looks from some 40 year old man as if I'm wrong when I wave him off. I gave him the "what gives" wave. And then he's looking at me as if to say "why are you in the crosswalk"? The more important question is, why are YOU in the driver's seat? Do you even know the rules of the road?

Turn Back The Clocks

You ever wish you could go back to your high school days? I guess they were right. High school is one of those things you never really want when you're going through it. But then as soon as you leave, you would trade anything to go back. Life was simpler back then. I mean don't get me wrong, I've had an amazing time here at Liberty, and moving on with my life, but I'd almost trade it to relive my senior year of high school, as far as the best/highlights go. Of course I'd not want to relive the nitty gritty with the tests and homework and stuff, but I guess that if that's the price to pay, I'd pay it in full. My high school friends were some of the best friends I'd gotten to know, but now that we don't see each other anymore, my college friends have filled and taken up those best friend slots. I mean I still really value my friendships from the past and would be more than ecstatic to hear from my old friends, but life moves on, time goes swiftly. It's why I am cherishing every moment I get with the friends that actually mean something to me.

Liberty Students are the Worst

You'd think that people who attend "the world's largest Christian university in the world" would be full of better people, right? WRONG. People just don't know how to not be dicks. Especially here. People at secular schools probably are better human beings than a lot of the people I've gotten to know here. Like tonight at open mic, there was this guy who had a pretty cringey performance, but I think that was his goal. To be cringey. But still you watch the crowds as lots of people have their phones out and record videos, to later make stupid and snide remarks about it. I get it that maybe the goal of the performer was to be on LU Cringe or something, but I'd reckon it wasn't his goal to be put on people's instagram stories and be made fun of. What kind of Christian are you? What does that show the non-believers of what Christianity is or what it stands for? Don't be a dick. You can show it to your friends and make the snide remarks, and no one will be the wiser. But to be stupid and broadcast it for all to see? Dick move.

I'm pointing fingers at you, Cody Kant Thanmark.

Glasses Suck

I love my glasses because they look cool (in my opinion, don't @ me), and they also make it so I never forget my sunglasses (hehe transition lenses for the win), but at the same time it sucks having to wear glasses. Like now, I'm not wearing my glasses and I can barely see what I'm typing, mostly because the screen is really bright. But also, like I need to wear my glasses to see. Gahhhhh

Made in China

So when we were playing "What Do You Meme?" there was a card that said "when she tells you to go deeper, but you've run out of dick". So to self-roast myself, I said "I'd run out of dick so fast though". I got a good reaction out of everyone (shout out to Justin, Kerri, and Tristan). Then Kerri said "10/10, actually more like 2.5/10". I continued to self roast and then said "more like a 0.1/10". Kerri followed up with "that's more like a vagina then". To which I continued again and said "that's what happens when it's made in China".

Disclaimer, I'm Chinese so it's okay for me to make that joke.

Also also, we all were dying, and I couldn't breathe because of all the laughter. Good times, gooooooooood times.

My knife is too much fun

Dude I'm literally acting like a 4 year old with a new toy. Except this toy is a sharp, stainless steel pocket knife. It's strangely incredibly fun to find out how easily it can cut through or stab things. Don't worry, I know to not try anything that can cause harm to anyone, but finding stuff in my room to stab or slice is fun. I might be a slight psychopath now :P

Fallout's music is so good

I just randomly decided to start humming the Fallout 4 main theme, and it's so good. I love the music.

But ngl, my first time playing FO4, I had no idea what was going on. Never played any Fallout games before it, so I had to learn all the game mechanics, and I had to learn how to not die and conserve ammo. It didn't help that I got jumped by a Stunted Yao Guai and all I had was a hunting rifle and like 20 .308 bullets. And with it being much higher level than me, it took all my bullets and grenades.

So basically I got scared of the game and the music was spooky to me at the time. But now that I've poured in 330+ hours into it, I love the music. I should replay the game, but vanilla. Mods are great, but something is causing awful frame drops.

I'm still invisible?

So I found out my killer is indeed on the sister dorm. Most likely 27-3 since there's only 1 person I know that's still alive from South Tower.

And my killer did talk to my roommate and told him I'm impossible to find? Bruh, I spent so much time sitting around doing nothing in public areas. How did you not find me?

Narrowed my lists of possibilities down to 11. I need more information, or just more girls to die to thin out the herd.

Am I Invisible?

I'm genuinely convinced that despite all my derpiness (is that a word???) and all my very obvious clothing (i.e. my vibrant purple Los Angeles Gladiators hoodie), or even my backpacks that scream nerd (either my BlizzCon bag with the 6 Blizzard game logos, or my Swiss Gear bag with all the Overwatch backpack hangers), that I'm somehow invisible in this game of Assassins. Wow. All this just to talk about an ultimately meaningless game.

I mean let's be real. The game started this past Monday, so today is Day 5. I've carried my "weapon" for 1 out of 5 days. I got my kill on the one day I carried. But the rest, I haven't bothered because no one has made an attempt to end me (in the game, not literally, although that hasn't happened either yet, and hopefully not ever), and I spend so much time outside of the dorm, or any safe zone. Heck, I even just browse the interwebs on my phone, which means I'm not even paying attention if someone is coming up on me.

To be fair, I also don't care if I die in the game right now. I got my 1 kill, which is all I wanted, and I'm already nearing the top 50% of the players (about 1-2 more deaths that aren't mine will push me there). Sure top50 ain't the best, but it's also the fact that I got a kill. Of course the more kills I get, the better of an Assassin I am, but I honestly have no idea who my next target is. I'm high key hoping she dies from inactivity, since the game has to move on and leave the inactive players in the dust. I'll keep y'all posted. You don't get a choice. It's my blog after all. You can always just never return here lolol

I guess I should

Prolly going to workout today, making a 3 day of working out for this week. That would be the second upper body day since it's been 3 days since my last upper body workout, I just worked legs yesterday, and I won't be working out again most likely until Tuesday. Or Monday if I can convince myself to slot in another leg day. Feeling really good about myself, read the previous post. The feelsgoodman post.

START THE PLAGUE

So apparently LU would much rather start the plague with the flu rather than let students skip class. There's been evidence supposedly that there are students who are forging doctor's notes. But like who cares if the student chooses to not go to class? It's not the university's fault if that student doesn't do well in the class. Like the student is already paying, or I guess has already paid, the school for the class, so anything skipped is on the student for skipping. Plus not to mention that the student is just missing out on maximizing on the cost that was put on them.

LU, it isn't your place to decide who can or can't use doctor's notes. While it's not fair, and probably illegal, to forge doctor's notes, you aren't losing out on anything. Do not become a dictator and make up these dumb rules for attendance. I much prefer not catching the flu because you forced someone with the flu to come into class and then spread the sickness to me or any of my classmates. Attendance is really pointless if you're going to give probably cause to many more students skipping out on class because they feel like trash and cannot get out of bed.

Feelsgoodman

I don't typically like to focus on my physical appearance in the event it causes me to become vain. But I did notice I am a lot buffer than I used to be. Granted I couldn't really see it from a front, direct view, so I had to rely on the side view, and I also had to flex my muscles in order to see it, but I am still way more muscular than before. It gives me confidence that what I am doing is working well. I am going to try to get even more in shape, so let's hope that I do that.

Power off means power on (apparently)

My laptop's being really dumb. I hit windows + x + u + u (the keystroke to turn off a computer), and it shuts down. Then I go to grab my toothbrush to wash up before bed. And then it turned back on. So I go over, click through the lock screen and shut down. I come back after brushing my teeth, and it turned back on again. Like why doesn't shut down actually mean shut down? Since when did shut down mean restart? Window, wyd?

No One Knows Batman

So I posted on Instagram today, and I related a semi-inspirational revelation to a quote from the Dark Knight Rises. But no one said they knew it. I am mildly upset that they didn't get the reference. Oh well, guess no one gets to be my best friend lolol.

P.S. I'm kidding, you can still work your way to being my best friend haha

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Don't let the title of this post confuse you. I am not depressed or in any sad boi hours right now. I meant the darkness that has built up in me since middle school and through high school. I mean the darkness that brings out the worst in people. Yeah, that darkness.

Why is the darkness back in my life? Quite honestly, it never left. It's been boxed up since my time started here at Liberty. There's been several occasions when it would slip out of its box (i.e. fights with roommates or something) but for the most part it has stayed in its little box, in the deepest parts of my mind.

So why is it unleashed? Well because SOMEONE had the bright idea yesterday to enter into my house (so to speak) and start flipping tables over, stomping on everything, breaking stuff. All metaphorically. No property damage was done.

So guess what got destroyed in the process? The box. The one thing that contained my darkness. Am I mad? Not really. It's just time you found out who I am.

What's wrong with me?

I'm a fucking mess.

Like I don't know why though? I get so easily attached to people because I long for more friends, but then my emotions and outside variables can cause me to throw the whole fucking thing into a fire and watch it all burn.

I don't know why I do that, or why I'm like this.

Maybe people just don't want me.

Maybe people just pity me, so they try to offer a friendship. But out of pity.

I wouldn't blame them. I'm worthless anyways.

Sometimes I wish I could just actually get hit when I'm crossing the street. Maybe life'll be better. Even if I survive, I'd at least have money to do fuck all with. And if I don't survive? Well, then I'll finally get the sweet release of death.

I don't mean to imply I'm going to purposely kill myself. I'm just saying that I wouldn't be mad if I did die sooner rather than later.

I get it, the world is a cruel place. And maybe I just have to power through it. But sometimes, you just gotta think to yourself that maybe this isn't a world worth living in. Not even just for myself and the situations I'm in, but like look at how much of a mess politics cause or international struggles cause.

Ya know what would be fun? The nuclear apocalypse. At least I get to feel like I'm in one of my favorite games before I get incinerated by nuclear fire. That'd be cool. Or I guess technically hot.

Why

Am

I

Like

This?

What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

How hard can it be?

If someone tells you to quiet down, you quiet down, right? If someone tells you to slow down, you slow down, right? If someone tells you to leave them alone, you leave them alone, right?

SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I SAID I WANT TO BE ALONE AND I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING PRAYERS. SAVE YOUR BREATH, THIS WHOLE RELIGION BULLSHIT IS WORTHLESS IF YOU CLAIM TO FOLLOW A GOD WHO'S ALL POWERFUL AND ALL LOVING, THEN CALL ME FAITHLESS BECAUSE I AM LEGITIMATELY TIRED. FUCK OFF.

What's the point?

I am just not feeling it anymore. I don't feel like this is anything worth pursuing and trying to change my life to be focused on anymore. I feel attacked and it doesn't feel good. Is this really what it is all about? It sure as hell doesn't feel like it. To be told/given ultimatums about what will happen when I die? To be called out that it isn't resonating with me just because I am legitimately tired and cannot focus, yet I told myself I'd go to groups anyways? I just don't want any part of this anymore. I thought I had finally understood what it meant to be a part of this all, and I just don't think I want it if this is what it's going to be like. Consider this the end of it all. Maybe I will return some day, but I just do not think that this is for me in any way, shape, or form. I am done. You can't change my mind. Sorry, but after tonight's community group? Fuck all of this.

Close but no cigar

Gotta love discovering an abandoned mineshaft in Minecraft, then realize you are super underprepped as far as food goes, and now you can't find your way back to home, while carrying the first 4 diamonds of the game.

I hate my skin

Lemme tell ya that having the skin condition eczema, is not a fun one. I'm sure there are probably differing varieties of it, but mine makes the skin on my hands and feet really dry, and I guess itchy enough while I sleep that somehow my brain functions enough to just scratch and scratch, tearing into my skin and opening wounds. It's really not that great to look at, and even I don't like looking at it.

And before you say to just moisturize 'em or use lotion, trust me, I do. But it ain't enough sometimes. Sometimes it really do be like that

FIRST ASSASSINS KILL

YOOOOOOOOO I just got my first kill in Assassins, ever! This is pogchamp!

I guess for any who may stumble to this neck of the woods and not know how to play Assassins, basically you're assigned a target, and you are someone else's target. When you kill your target, you get your target's target. There are different kill methods, between a Nerf gun (self-explanatory), a ball of socks (as a grenade, but has to be direct impact and not area of effect), sharpie/marker on skin only, excluding the face (hidden blade), or hot sauce in their food (poison).

Anyways, I'm just really really really really really excited that I finally killed before getting killed myself. My first game, I was going to get the kill, but got killed right outside the safe zone (some areas are safe for certain events), and then the second game, I had no clue how to get my target, so I gave up and managed to spill the beans directly to my killer.

The good and the bad

I guess I actually worked out really hard yesyerday. It's good because I can get stronger. It's bad because then I feel kinda sore. Oof

Forewarning

Honestly, idek what I am even doing this for. Am I trying to prove a point? Am I trying to be cool? Am I trying to express my feelings? Who knows? I just wanted to warn anyone that my thoughts are indeed unfiltered. It may cause for some new thoughts about me, or show you too much of my world. But that's what happens right? I hope you understand.

It really do be like that

Sometimes you have moments when there's just something that causes a "it really do be like that". Other times you just don't know what's going on or how to react to it. You know you shouldn't let it consume you. You know that the only way to move on is if you encourage moving on. You know that changing the opinion might not achieve anything but estranged feelings. You know that sometimes it seriously do be like that. And ya know what? Maybe it's how you know it's how you'll improve. If you were supposed to be the judge, the jury, and the executioner, you wouldn't be here thinking that it do be like that. You realize all these things. And the only thing that's left? Confusion.

Couldn't figure it out

Bruh I feel so stupid. I was looking at my other posts, and they all said "2/5", so I was like "wtf is two fifths?" I seriously couldn't figure it out. Then I realized it was the date I wrote the posts. February 5th. Man, am I dumb lmao.

I'm a nut

So I'm a peanut lookin' ass apparently. In fact I even got a sick roast that was actually mad funny (thanks Tristan). "How can you be allergic to peanuts while also looking like one?"

HOT DAMN

I mean I can't deny it though. It gave me a good chuckle, so I appreciate it. Also, I can't honestly get that mad about people roasting me because I roast myself like all the time. LIKE ALL THE TIME. Give me some more time and I'll probably end up roasting myself on this blog. I mean it's inevitable. ANYTHING FOR THE LOLZZZZZZ. Ugh I hate myself for typing that. Oh well.

Strongest of wills

Okay maybe it's not really that hard of a choice that I have to make, but it is kinda hard for me regardless because I'm a goof and a derp. So naturally I want to be expressive of my emotions (hehe sorry to my roommate who has to deal with my quick temper when I'm tired and my other roommate does some stupid stuff). Anyways, I start getting emotions and I wanna express 'em, except the timing is just bad, and I feel like it would cause a strain on the friendship or at least make it awkward. Like the friendship is really new still, and I just don't think it's a wise decision to spill the beans. I also don't want to hope for certain things to not work out, because that's selfish and I should be encouraging happiness for my friends, even at the cost of my own (a little since it's not like anything was going to happen at THAT point). I'm also really bad at waiting. It's something I'm working on, and I really do hope that I can improve upon. Time to wait things out and see if there's going to be an opportunity or not. Even if there isn't, I should still be happy for my friends.

To catch or not to catch...

Okay imma be real with you and theres going to be no focus on grammar because fuck that. For whatever reason, ive been trying to get a relationship. Idk why. Maybe jealousy of other peoples happiness, maybe just wanting to feel loved, i dont fucking know my dude.

15 crushes, 7 rejections, and 1 empty promise later, im thinking to myself that maybe i just need to focus on myself. So i did. For like 2.5 weeks. Then outta fucking left field or some shit, i start or at least perceive to start fuckin catching feels. Not like catching feels is a bad thing but fuckin why? Like am i going to ever focus on myself or am i always going to end up looking for love in places or people that probably dont want me in the first place.

Maybe my confidence has been shot down. Or maybe it definitely has been destroyed. But why am i catchin feels so soon after i got all messed up from a rough empty promise 2.5 weeks ago? Like idk if its even catchin feels or if its just because shes pretty and she talks to me. Idk man. Imma just try to take this slow and see if its actually feels im catchin. Check back soon

LU crushes is garbo kinda

LU crushes is legit some of the most fun I have by myself every night, and they kinda ruined it for me tonight. Well not really but it has a similar effect. Why can't they just post everything submitted as long as it isn't seeking the harm of others? All I wanted to see was all the posts we wrote for Kerri's birthday, and only 1 got posted. 1. Like WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE OTHERS. And then the only other post is a more serious (in a way) post about Kerri. Like jeez lu crushes. Don't say you'll post and then skip a bunch. I get it that maybe it seems like too many posts for one person, but to only do 1 out of all (idek how many) since when did you get to be the judge, meanwhile you let fucking Hannah Hartsook get a million posts a night or have fucking Jonah give us a play by play of his sad excuse for a relationship. Fuck off lu crushes. Run the page the original way, and maybe I'll be less jaded next time.

First Blog

Hi, hey, shalom, yo, what's up, idk wtf is going on here.

Well I guess I'll introduce myself. My name's Geoff (MY NAME IS JEFF!!!!! Lolol), and I'm 19 years old. I'm a sophomore at Liberty University, and have recently switched my major to psychology with a cognate in counseling. My plan is to go through master's and ph.d and become a psychiatrist. Idek if it will actually happen, but that's the plan.

Anyways, now that the introduction's over, I guess I'll briefly explain my plans for here. As the title or whatever would suggest, you'll find all my unfiltered thoughts here. Things are going to get bumpy. There will be everything. Nothing held back. Ups and downs, highs and lows, rough and smooth, anything that conveys that this is no cake walk for a read. You'll read about my vulnerabilities, and my insecurities. If I shared my link to you, or you stumble upon this, this is your heads up, I guess.

For the most part, I'll try to keep the language clean and SFW, but sometimes if emotions really get to me or if I get stressed out, you can forget clean language. I have no problem with swears, but I personally want to try to not use them that much, which is weird because certain friend groups get different language from me.

Anyways, idek what the first post will be, and I know I called this the first post, but I mean like the first post of me talking about something. Idek how often I'll post or if I'll even continue after a few days, but I just thought it'd be cool to do.

Okay, enough of that, just check back relatively often if you're interested in keeping up to date with Geoff. Other than that, you can just leave and forget I even exist, as if you even knew I existed in the first place.

K bye