I Wish I Could've Stopped Myself

My humor is strange. I'm nowhere near the best, and most of it are puns. My only other decent humor is dark humor. So if I don't want to do either of them, what do I resort to? Self-roasting humor.

I know that making fun of yourself a little bit is good and lighthearted. But I've done it too much. And now it has become so frequented in our jokes that it appears as if the others see it as a green light to go ahead and roast me even more.

I'll admit, I had fun with it at first. But now, I've realized that I found my limit. I'm literally going to break down if I get roasted anymore, in any other aspects of my life.

I should've stopped myself. I should've declared what areas I was okay with being roasted about. I should've drawn the line at some point. I should've been assertive.

But that's not me. I'm not assertive. I always try to impress or please or humor others at the expense of myself.

And now look what it's done to me.

I should've stated that my academic history is not to be made fun of. I should have stated that it's not okay to say that I'm not wanted.

Because those two areas are extremely sensitive. I know I shouldn't be as upset as I am, but I can't help it.

MY GRADES are NOT FOR YOU to bring up to others. That's MY JOB to do that if I WISH to disclose that information. NOT YOUR JOB to barge in a tell MY FRIENDS how I've done academically.

I get it. I can't be selfish and say, "You can't be friends with them because they're my friends,". But you've also gotta realize that there are some things you shouldn't be saying about me to them, without my permission.

I don't want to break bonds though. I don't want to throw away 1.5 years of an otherwise great friendship.

Then back to the other sensitive topic. I struggle with loneliness. And not the "oh boo hoo I'm single" kind of loneliness. The kind that it seems like no one wants you. Being bullied for all 3 years of middle school and the first 2 years of high school has scarred me.

I don't know if people genuinely value my presence, or if I'm worth anything to anyone. Or am I a pity case? Am I the guy that "oh no one else is hanging out with him, so let's invite him and allow him to hang out with us since no one else will?"

I don't mean to accuse anyone of not appreciating me for me, but it sometimes feels like I'm a pity case. That I'm the runt of the litter. The one that literally no one wants but will take if they have no other option.

I get it that we call each other family and have assembled this fun little family tree. I don't mind being marked as the youngest since I actually am the youngest.

But when roasts, no matter if they were intentional or not, end up saying "nobody else wants you" or something with a similar effect (I forgot the exact wording but whatever it was it actually got to me), are laid out, I just realize that maybe I'm not wanted and maybe I'm just the cannon fodder for someone else's jokes. That I'm only there so that everyone can get a mutual laugh out of.

I know I'm not worthless, and that in fact I am priceless because of what my Savior has done for me, but sometimes I just get these moments of, "while the Lord says nothing will ever be able to buy me away from Him, I feel like I'm nothing".

I am just so hurt right now.

I want to still be there and do things with my friends.

But is it worth the cost?

Is it worth what it's doing to me mentally?

Is it worth being constantly called something I am not?

Why do people not treat me the way I treat them?

I know I'm not perfect and that I'm not the best person to look to when it comes to talking about treating others well, but I can't recall making constant roasts towards another because I usually just turn it inwards to myself.

Why does it feel like I am a pity case?

I know my worth, and I want to still be friends with these people. But I have my limits too.

I'm human too.

Why can't people realize that?

Why can't my FRIENDS realize that?

I'm broken.

You want to know the limits of Geoff? Here they are.