Life

Before I begin, allow me to state that I'm not saying I'm ungrateful for my life, where I've been, where I am, and where I will go. I'm just confused. And I need to vent.

I don't exactly know how I want to word this, but I just know that there are just those times in life where you really enjoy where you're at, and then you begin to notice things and with a couple of nudges here and there, somehow it just does a 180 and it seems like everything is against you and that you have no idea what happened.

To be fair, maybe I got a little ahead of myself, and given my past, it was bound to cause some damage if things didn't go as planned or as hoped for.

Still, I'm an adult now (well I'll go by recent psychology terms and choose "emerging adult" since I'm within the 18-25 year old range that is defined in this stage of life. Mainly because I just don't feel like an adult yet. I'm 19, going on 20 in July, but it just doesn't feel that much different than before 18. I digress), and I should be more mature. I should be able to handle the twists and turns, the hairpin curves of life.

Keyword being "should".

Am I mature? No.

That's not to say that I'm as immature as a 5 year old who didn't get the ice cream he or she wanted. I mean to say that while I am more definitely more mature than I was, even a year ago. But that's also not to say that I'm the most mature that a boy going into manhood can get to.

So why do I bring up maturity, and my perceived state of maturity that I have reached? Well, because I do have ideas of how I want to express my maturity, I know that I do not actually have the ability to complete even as I wish. Why? Because that's just within my personality and how I've been.

Some areas of my life are more sensitive than others. And before you argue, "well Geoff, that's just how it is, and you kinda brought that on yourself,", trust me when I say that I am aware of that. I chased after something that was not for me, and then I get hurt. I did that repeatedly, which causes that area of my life to become more and more sensitive to the next time the pain almost inevitably happens.

I know I should just trust the Lord in all of this, but given the fact that I've never really focused on my faith/walk with God for so many years, despite claiming to be a Christian for the past, oh I don't know, 16 years give or take (my family didn't start going to church till I was in preschool). While I did go to church every Sunday, save for a few exceptions, like if we were physically unable to go, or if the weather made it impossible to get there safely, or whatever reason you can think of that would make some sense to skip, I just never really bothered to read the Bible on my own, much less even pray on my own.

So yes, it's hard for me to trust in the Lord. I know I should just do that and then "all will be well and everything will fall into place", but it's just not something I am used to, nor am I comfortable with just yet.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to trust the Lord with everything. I bet it's nice to not have to worry about the minute things in life such as where the food will come from, where my clothes will come from, where my next paycheck will come from, etc.

I just haven't built that trust with the Lord. I know that no matter what, He will still love me, and He will never leave nor forsake me, but I'm just unsure. I know that my next step, no matter how unknown it may feel, that the Lord will create solid ground for me to connect to, I just have to trust that He will be there.

I keep digressing. While I would normally apologize, I'm not going to. I need to express my feelings of being upset. Wow that was not great grammar. Oh well, it's a blog, who honestly cares? It's not like this is an English course that I'm writing for. Whoops, I digress yet again.

I guess I could go back to the topic that caused me to want to vent, but that's not something I'm ready to share. I don't know who opens my blog, or who reads this, and while it may seem unfair since I might have hooked you, the reader, in, I have no way of knowing who's going to read it. This is a need-to-know basis, and all that you need to know is that I'm upset and while I can argue that I have every right to be, I also have to be an adult and not be that upset.

All I'm going to say is that it's probably better for me anyways because it's most likely better for me to have something naturally occur and develop, rather than me forcing anything, because that is unnecessary stress and strain that I really don't need at this point in my life. Heck, I don't even need it at any point in my life.

Yet here I am, being a goof on the internet because I let myself get here.