How is My Mind Like a Light Switch?

Today, or rather yesterday since it's almost 2 a.m., was a great day to start. I felt confident as all, I felt good about myself, and I felt like I found an inner peace and thought I knew that I am where I'm supposed to be.

That was the day time.

Come nightfall, and now I feel broken, I feel sadness. I thought I finally had everything under control, yet here I am, moping at my computer at 2 am. Why aren't in bed? Why didn't I finish my homework? Why am I contemplating to skip my morning classes?

I had so much confidence and so many feel good vibes, and I thought I was finally moving in the right direction. That nothing can stop me. That nothing the world throws at me will become something that will slow me down.

Aaaaaaand now we're here. Something isn't adding up.

How do I go from super confident to broken and feeling shattered like glass?

It's a different kind of brokenness that I am experiencing. The only brokenness that I am used to is heartbreak. I know what that feels like. It literally feels painful in my heart.

But this? This is a mental break. Something that's never happened before. I've never let what someone says break me this much. Sure it was a joke. Sure I've been bullied for a solid 5 years in a row.

So why did this all get to me? I think I have the answer.

While I did already get apology messages that said that nothing that was said to me was intentional and that it was all for humor, it still sticks, like snow on a grassy plain.

Typically these insults, or roasts, or whatever the kids are calling them these days just bounce off my shields. Where was my shield? Gone. Why? Because I had built this trust. And when you trust people, you are also trusting that the best will come out of any interaction. It makes it easy for something to slip in like a dagger. To stab you when you least expect it. To cause you mental harm when you thought you finally found a place where you can rest easy in this harsh world.

I'm not saying I'm depressed or anything like that. I'm just hurt.

You could argue that I should just accept the apology and move on, but I don't know. I need space, but I want them. But I can't have them if I want space.