And yeah maybe I should just let everything go. I mean sure she said we can still be friends despite me crossing the line and going overboard, but even if I do get that, is it worth it because I would feel like just a burden to her. A friendship she extends for what? A guy who couldn't get over his feelings for her despite being told no and it taking a distancing to make him realize and break him out of it, just to then find out he reacts like a child because he can't muster up the words to talk about it?
I'm not saying every friendship has to be the most trustworthy thing you ever have but I imagine that any good friendship has a level of trust that you know they will have your back in your darkest hour and be there to support and celebrate the victories and the grandeur you achieve. I at least think and would appreciate having that level of trust with the people whom I call friends and seek deeper relationships with. For the people I get to call good, great, or even best friends.
Who knows if I can live up to the standard to being a good friend even? I mean I don't trust myself anymore to be emotionally level headed and not do something rash or stupid again. I mean maybe that's the whole point of this break, or the sabbatical, or whatever it is I'm calling it. That I need to realize and sit with the facts of who I am and how I react and what I do under emotional stress. I need to learn to feel the emotions but control the reactions. I'm not saying I will try to force myself into a level of stoicism that I never feel anything good or bad. But I am saying I need to try to be more even keeled, to shrug off the negative or bad emotions. Feel them in the moment because I am human but then to just not do anything more with it and definitely not have it paint the rest of my day or night or whatever time period that risks a wild and out of pocket response or action that harms people. I of all people should know that words cut deep and that I should measure twice and not even cut once with my words. They sting, they also stick in the mind. A physical wound is bad and should never be an option, but at least that heals and eventually fades away. Well, assuming you don't leave a scar. But you get what I'm saying.
I still remember some of the harsh words said to me. I remember the moments. I remember it all. And I sometimes get pretty jammed up by them if I'm in that kind of mood. So I should know bettet than to articulate a weapon so sharp and so deadly that it carves its way through a person's mind and scars the mind because how do you deal with that? Not easily, I'll tell you that much.
So as I sit here on my plane down to Miami for my trip, not watching any TV or movies because you have to use your own device (I opted to just slap the headphones on and listen to Lindsey Stirling to set the mood for the Master of Tides cruise, which coincidentally as I write this part the song "Master of Tides" is playing) I have collected more thoughts on the matter and have realized yet another facet to this whole situation I've created for myself. I'm hoping to heal whatever it is inside of myself that leads me to being prone to hurt others. I'm hoping I find the courage to seek the help that I need so that hopefully we don't have to worry about days or times like this again. But if nothing else, I hope to really analyze all the mistakes I've made, see my flaws and my faults for what they are, and work on them in the next couple weeks or however long it is that I'm taking a break from communicating with Sarah.
I'm not sure if I'm ever worthy of the forgiveness or the mercy she has shown to say we can still be friends through this. I'm not even sure why she is letting me back if I choose to ask and try to be better. But if I am to take her up on that, I better be damn well sure that I won't do anything again that would run the risk of harming her with my words or just being immature about what she decides is necessary when I'm not getting the message for whatever reason.
So I guess here's to yet another day, working through the mess that I created and trying to sort everything out and make it better.
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