Lost My Rhythm

A year ago, I had this drive to go to the gym 4 days a week, to lift weights and do cardio so as to improve upon my physique and physical conditioning. A year later, to today, I struggle with getting a third day of working out in.

This past Monday and Tuesday, I manage to do 2 days in a row of working out. Yesterday, I decided to take a rest day, and then the same thing happened today, so that now I've skipped out on two days that were potentials for exercising.

I don't know why I can't just get myself to go workout. I have the energy for it, I just choose to go play video games (mainly Skyrim as of right now) and spend my whole afternoon after work on gaming. Then comes dinner and then I typically chill (save for Monday night when I forced myself to go for a run on the treadmill after dinner).

I just want to improve my condition again. I feel like I'm out of shape, and I know the only way to get back into shape is to make sure I keep consistent with working out. Back when I had aikido, it was no problem to at least get some form of cardio, if nothing else, movement 6 days a week. Now I'd apparently be lucky if I get 2 days in (last week I only did 2 days, and this week I've so far only done 2 days).

I keep telling myself and others or I post on social media (mainly Twitter for this one) that I will "get into shape" or "get fit" by my 21st birthday. Well, guess what? My 21st is now under 3 months away. I don't think I can get there if I keep skipping out on working out.

I don't know how I managed to get myself to the gym for 4 days a week a year ago, and then each day I'd be working out anywhere between an hour and a half to two hours to do a semi-lengthy weight lifting regimen, followed by 20-30 minutes of cardio.

Maybe is it because I don't have access to a full gym anymore? Because all I have is at most 50-60 pounds I can slap onto a barbell. Well that weight is including the weight of the small barbell, so I really don't have any heavy weights to use. That and I also don't have any place to do bodyweight workouts like chin ups (which I wonder if I can still do). The only thing I can do are push-ups that I do most mornings, but that's not enough to get me into shape. I feel like I need to do more. I want to do more, but I suppose I'm just not wanting it enough.

It just seems hard to try to keep pressing on and carving out time to work out when I can very easily and very comfortably sit down at my desk and play some video games. I feel like I just want to chill on the couch and watch TV after dinner, so I don't really play video games then, and then I feel like I don't want to miss out on any time to play games. I guess it all comes down to priorities and what I want to do.

I'm going to try to get myself to workout tomorrow after work. Then do at least cardio each day of the weekend. From there, if I can achieve 3 days in a row, I just might keep pressing on to doing some level of activity for 7 days a week until the day arrives that I feel sluggish or my body is giving me signs to slow down and rest.

Wish me luck, I suppose.

A Yearn With No End

I wrote up a draft blog post last night. It's pretty much finished, and I gave myself all day today to just clear my head and focus on anything and everything else. Once I got home from work, I re-read my post, and I think I'm going to leave it as is.

Why have I held back on posting it? Because I don't know when I should post it, or if I even should at all. What is the post about that I can't post it now? I mean, maybe you got a point since I've never held back before and I have never been afraid to just write out my thoughts in their entirety and slap it on the blog. But this one, I just don't know. It's nothing bad, no self-harm or dark thoughts in it. It's more of just me trying to figure how I can go and bring myself to something thag I don't even know if the results will be what I hope they will be, and if it will have the effect I'm looking for.

What I mean is that I don't know if the post will break the ice enough or express a genuine message enough to first accomplish its main task for existing. Then I don't know what will happen if/when that occurs and if that will give me a sense of relief, a sense of comfort, a sense of coming to peace with everything, or maybe none of that will arrive.

I guess it's a fear of rejection when you boil it all down. And this time not so much just rejection for the feelings like I have experienced many a times, but just a rejection as a whole. It never feels good to be told no, especially when the heart, the mind, and the soul wants something. I just want to be able to come to terms and make my peace, and then I can move on from there. But I fear that in my attempts to reach that level of peace that I may be denied and that I might be brought to a deeper and darker place because it just might tear me down, whatever progress no matter how big or how small has been made.

I fear that if I take another hit when I try to offer an attempt to turn over a new leaf, even if there is nothing more after the turning, that I will just be burned at the stake and suffer. Maybe it's what I deserve given the way I have even set up circumstances to be this way. Maybe I don't deserve the solace of peace, the respite of owning up to my faults and finding forgiveness.

I don't know, but I guess I should just try it anyways. For one of two, it has been coming up on 3 months since the last contact has been made. For the other, it has only been 2.5 weeks, maybe even just short of that. I know that not every timeline is the same and that not everyone operates within certain nor set timeframes, but has enough time passed that there could be a chance to salvage something, even if it's just a true final contact and a farewell forever?

Is that even something I am ready to take if it comes down to it? Say that hypothetically the drafted post works as I hope it to. But then nothing more happens after I make my peace. Is that something I am ready to absorb? I know I don't deserve anything more, and I might not even deserve for the post to do its job as I intended, but am I ready for that?

Or is everything too soon still and that this is definitely not the right time just yet? But if that's the case, then I have to raise the question of: when is the right time? Time is not my friend, not even my ally. I am not guaranteed tomorrow, and neither is anyone I intend to direct the draft post to. Sure, statistically we all should have a tomorrow, but who knows? It's a crazy world and everything is so uncertain right now. It sometimes almost feels like this is the world's end. And if that's the case, then why am I waiting and delaying this process anymore? If time is something I am fearing, I should just get right on with what I want to try doing and just face whatever consequences of the actions I take, whether glorious or tragic. Thanks, Assassin's Creed, for that part of insight in regards to "nothing is true, everything is permitted".

It's a war in and of myself and my mind and my fears. Who will win and what will I do? I suppose I shall just reach out to contacts I have support from and hope that they have something that can encourage me one way or another.

For now, this is all I will say, but if you have been here awhile and know how I phrase things and can piece things together from my assumed vague writing (although it probably isn't too vague if you try hard enough), then you shall discover the truth of everything.

Updates to follow, if updates happen.

It Makes Me Wonder

I've recently gotten back into working out. Well, perhaps I shouldn't toot my own horn just yet because this is only day 2 in a row, and I only did 2 days last week, with 4 empty days in between the last exercise and yesterday. So I guess the right wording is more of, I'm getting back into working out.

Anyways, today I went for a 3 mile jog on the treadmill to rebuild endurance and work on my cardio fitness score that's tracked by my Fitbit. And while running at a comfortable (sorta because I'm slightly out of condition/shape since I skipped for the greater part of the last 6 months) 6 miles per hour, I was listening through for KING & COUNTRY's album "Burn The Ships".

Towards the end of the treadmill session, I reached the song titled "Hold Her". And it's been quite a long time since I've listened to that song. The last time was when I last drove back home from Liberty, in that 7 hour drive, on December 10th, 2019. And I associated that song with Sophia since the original plan was for me to drive her to the Roanoke Airport early that morning, but then last minute we realized her flight was on the 11th, and she kept telling me to not worry and just go home (in hindsight, I should've been stubborn and just wait until the 11th to go home so I could drive her).

Moving on, I thought of her because I had left her at Liberty and I wanted her to feel better because of how uneasy the situation had been at the time. So as the lyrics go, "hold her tonight, 'cause I'm not there to stay close, keep watch, tell her she's not alone", I was in a ways trying to ask God to do that. I just wanted her to feel at peace.

So now with the memory link of Sophia to this song, I was thinking back on that December day as I finished my exercise for the day. And then I wondered upon another portion of the lyrics, "my love for her is more than she can know". As I stated in yesterday's post, a part of me still does love Sophia. And thus, it makes me wonder. In CinemaSins voice, "roll credits!" *ding*

I wonder if that love is partly because I just want what's best for her. And I guess another part is just me still working on moving on. But as I can clearly see that I can no longer be the guy for her and I can't be whatever she needed me to be, I just hope that whatever happens, wherever she goes, whoever she meets, that he's the right guy for her. I wonder if my love for her is now a semi-protective love for her. I know I cannot love her romantically as I once had (okay that sounds weird, but you know what I mean, right?) but I still just want her to have the best. I thought I could be the best, but I proved that I am not. Is there anything wrong with this?

Is it bad for me to keep this sort of thinking in this time as I try to heal and move on? Should I stamp out this thought process and just move on entirely? I don't know. Hence why I wonder about it. I guess what I might do is hold on to this for a little bit, but I'll be prepared to drop it if it proves to disallow further healing of myself.

Jealousy

I am indeed a jealous person. I see someone get something, achieve something, be told something, and I all the sudden gotta either match or surpass that person. Or another instance is I hear how someone's life is going and I wish that that is how my life is going.

So today, we're going to touch on two instances of jealousy that I experienced in the past 24 hours, and how if I am not careful or wise about this, I will bring about ruin to myself.

First off, if you've been here before, I wrote a post a little while back talking about how characters in stories get it so easy when it comes to relationship struggles and trying to get the girl. If you haven't yet read it, see this.

Now I know it's not the most fair or most reasonable thing to compare real life to fictional stories, but those stories came from a real person; a real writer. They understand life struggles enough to create a story that gets you attached to characters and get you to want similar as the characters would want.

So last night, we watched the series finale to God Friended Me. In it, there was a point in which Miles (the main character) was still in love with Kara (I'm not sure if that is how they spell it, but you get the point). They had been together for a little bit, but then separated due to Miles wanting to pursue the "God account" (it's tough to explain so just go along with it or go watch the show, it's pretty good if you ask me), and he doesn't pursue enough of the relationship. Kara moves on, but Miles is stuck in love with her, yet he respects her decision and just keeps it to himself. At some point the beans get spilled and Kara finds out Miles still loves her, and then at the end they agree to just be friends. But as the finale is closing, Miles' voiceover as he explains what happens in between the last events we witnessed and the current place he's at for the final scene, he says that "a few months later, our love had blossomed stronger than ever before and we've been together ever since". Admittedly, maybe I didn't get the quote verbatim, but it is close enough.

So that makes me jealous. I fell so hard and was so deeply in love with Sophia. Circumstances made it practically impossible for us to date, and then we were supposed to just go about this as friends. If you've been around for a bit or even just read the last several posts, you'll know that didn't exactly pan out. Anyways, she's probably, even most likely moved on from her love for me, and I'm trying to move on, yet a part of me still loves her deeply. I know I just gotta move on, but man do I wish I could have a similar story to Miles.

This is why I need to be careful about my jealousy lest I bring ruin upon myself.

Second point is that my brother has been starting to get back into working out. We (as a family) have tried for a long while but eventually we stopped since he wasn't as interested. But now he is, so good for him.

Today he pushed himself on the treadmill and did 2 miles in an average pace of 8'59", which is a pretty solid pace, faster than 6 miles per hour average. As the one in the family who was on the semi-most recent fitness track, I typically do my runs at 6 miles per hour for half an hour.

So being stuck partially in this idea that I am probably the one in the best shape (although I have fallen off the workout train for a bit), I decided to push myself too. When I came home from work, I thought about working out but then played Skyrim instead. After seeing my brother's results, I just had to beat him (jealousy alert).

I wasn't ready to give up the idea that I am not the most fit in the family, so I had to push myself. Hard. I didn't run 2 miles because of how hard I pushed myself almost out of the blue, but I did 1.5 miles in 12'20", which comes out to a 8'13" average pace. I pushed myself to my literal limits just to say I have a faster pace, a pace that is currently 46 seconds faster per mile.

See, now a bit of friendly brother rivalry to push each other to get into better shape isn't the worst thing, but if I get too caught up in it, either I will injure myself or he will injure himself, or I will make things sour between us because I never let him celebrate his victories and rub it in that I managed to be in better shape, even though I have unfair advantages such as being younger, having more time, and having not terribly long ago had a really consistent workout routine.

So this is where I'm at for today. I experienced jealousy in my love life when I heard a fictional character eventually got the girl who had a mutual love but then split apart, and I was jealous that my brother was doing something good for himself that I pushed myself hard.

What have I become? Just a manifestation of jealousy? This cannot be me. I don't want it to be me.

So I must be careful from here on out.

What Are The Odds?

Atheists would call it coincidence. Maybe more than just atheists, maybe a lot of people that don't believe in the same God I claim to have believed for so many years, and while I have struggled in recent times, I still claim to believe.

I find it hard to believe that everything that happens to be "coincidence" is purely coincidence. There have been moments in which I had said or thought one thing and then something pops up almost instantly or at least in some relatively close time frame.

For example, one day during the fall semester of 2018, I had started to feel my faith struggle and then I come back to my dorm room with a note on my door, written by someone from my hall, who to this day I know not who wrote it, saying something to the effect that God would never leave nor forsake me. I was originally going to quote it directly but I couldn't find my picture I had of it.

Anyways, the point being that there are things that just seem supernatural to be more than just mere coincidence.

Take this for example:

I wrote a very long winded post talking about forgiveness. My last post in case you haven't read it yet. How I was struggling to bring myself to forgive people in my recent past.

Anyways, how can you call this coincidence? How can you say that me writing a post about forgiveness and then have a friend literally minutes ago share the post I screenshot and included just above. For that to be coincidence? Seems unlikely.

So I guess my plan of action is cut and dry for me. To do the one thing I have hesitated to do. The only question now is: when? When do I start the forgiveness actions for the people who aren't me? For my own forgiveness, I can work on that little by little, because as long as I am alive, I can work on that day by day. But for those who aren't me, those who I don't see nor have much communication with anymore, when? I don't know how their lives are going, how things are for them, and how long they get. I mean sure I don't even know how long I get, but for me if I somehow die without forgiving myself, assuming I still get to go to Heaven, I can work on it then. But if they die, and God forbid they do just yet since we are all young, what will I do? I know this is very dark thinking and morbid too, but it technically is a possibility, isn't it? None of us are promised a tomorrow. Sure for me I know I am scheduled to work tomorrow and I can plan how my day will go tomorrow, but I could suddenly pass in my sleep and not see any of tomorrow. I've read facts that supposedly the brain could have a major aneurysm, or the heart could suddenly malfunction, with no prior symptoms and that could kill someone at any age. Or maybe I'm misrepresenting the facts but the point is that no one is guaranteed tomorrow.

So I guess if I'm so worried about all this, I should start working on this whole thing soon, right? If I am so paranoid of something going horribly wrong and I lose my chance to forgive these other people I feel like I should forgive, then I should work on it as soon as possible.

Man, this "coincidence" is weird and seemingly impossible how it all could just be that. Maybe it's perfect timing from the perfect One.

Forgiveness

I feel like I have feelings of wanting to forgive people in my life. I guess that's not such a bad thing.

I just feel pain when I think of all that has happened between me and people I had once called friend. I feel a poison in my veins as I hold grudges over the last exchanges of messages I have had with some people. It stirs within me an anger that I know I cannot let get the better of me, lest I become doomed to repeat the same actions that led me to this situation that I am in now.

First and foremost, I need to forgive myself. I keep blaming myself for 100% of everything that has gone wrong for me this year. And maybe I did have a large part in some of the things. But others they were just out of my control. I need to just learn from my mistakes and move on. I need to stop beating myself up about it. I don't mean to say I will just forget the things that I have done or act like I was right the whole time, but I need to just accept what has passed, learn from the points that I need to learn from, and move on towards a new and better life. If I stay in the past, stuck on the few moments of downfall, of destruction, I will be nothing but an empty shell of what I could have been. I won't develop as I need to develop, and I will never realize my full potential. There is more for me to become, and I need to just accept the things I cannot change, and be ready to change the things I can.

Secondly, I need to forgive Sophia. I know that in reality, she probably hasn't really done anything wrong to me, and in fact I was the one who wronged her. But nonetheless, I feel like that maybe she feels at least partially bad about how the wording came across to me when she just wanted what was best for me. She wanted me to heal and for me to move on to the next thing in my life. It never was about her ditching me, even as a friend. It was her trying to be a good friend and help me truly get back on my feet, to march on towards whatever was the next phase of life for me. I took her final text to me probably way too close than was intended. She didn't want to push me away entirely, she just wanted to create enough space for me to finally heal, and then when that happens, maybe try the whole friendship thing. But I took it as an extreme; I took it as her pushing me away just "seemingly out of nowhere", or at least that's how I had perceived it in the moment. So I feel like I should, at some point, accept her apology and forgive her. Whether or not we will be friends after is another thing that can be worked on if she wants, but I know that at the very least I should accept her apology when I feel like I am ready.

Thirdly, I have thought about this for awhile, but I don't know if I can bring myself to forgiveness for him, at least not anytime soon. But the thought has crossed my mind.

I don't know if it is wise or fair of me to repost these images to this blog as I had it once on here and then I deleted it. But these are the last exchanges I had with Daniel Lee Walker.

I am reposting it because these are the words that cross my mind whenever I even think for a moment of forgiving him. And I know it should not be my place to cast judgment or to act as someone better than he is, because in reality I'm probably a pretty bad guy myself. I know that in the moments leading up to these messages I had pushed him away, and upset him when I decided to leave the Liberty Batfamily, which ultimately brought about its dissolution. I know that I had used strong words, charged with anger and just clearly upset (I don't know the word that would describe that). I know I had blocked him which maybe stung him a bit.

Part of me feels bad for doing that, but another part of me, albeit a darker part of me, just reminds myself that since I have had a record of blocking people who I don't like, he would make jokes of saying, "I'm surprised you never blocked me". I had thought about blocking him a couple of times, when he made a joke that I probably took too close to home, but I had decided against it. A couple of months ago was my breaking point because I had been clouded in an emotionally distressed state. And when push came to shove, when I finally actually blocked him, even despite all of the jokes he has made about me not blocking him, he was upset and distraught over it.

Anyways, whatever is done is done. Whatever has been said is said. There is no going back and changing things after all of this. I cannot undo the things I've done, nor can he undo the things he's done. Which is why it brings me to the occasional thought of forgiving him. That even though these words are a pain to me, like a thorn in my side that is so deep I cannot take it out, I feel like he deserves forgiveness. Because like I said, it is not my place to be the judge, nor the jury, nor the executioner.

It's a hard decision for me because I sometimes hold grudges. I mean everyone does right? I don't say that to justify myself, but it is something that people do, right? But I don't want to hold grudges. I hold enough as it is. I already have grudged against those who wronged me throughout middle school and high school, of which I have no means of contacting them to make things right or to even tell them how I feel now. I cannot find means to forgive them, and now I'm stuck with these sour memories as the last thing I think about. I hold grudges against one of my past roommates and while I feel like that one is a bit more justified, I still had my moments of being in the wrong. Whatever the case is, I don't want to hold on to any new grudges. I want to let go. And I think that means I have to forgive Dan for the words he said to me last.

So that's it then. There are 3 people I know I have to forgive. I can work on 2 of them easily, but the 3rd will take time and a whole lot of thought. I don't know how I can bring myself to forgive the third, but if I can, I think I will. I don't need anymore negativity, I don't want anymore negativity, and I need to be better. If for no one else, I need to be better for myself.

Forgiveness can work wonders, it's just hard to get to that point because human nature would say that those who need forgiveness deserve the "punishment" or the "consequences" that they have now. But that's not true. I don't have to let that be true.

So as I heal, I will take time to figure out what I am going to do about all of this. Where I will go, how I will operate, and what will be done. It's a long journey ahead of me, but it is a necessary and character developing journey. It's all up to me what paths I will take and how I will proceed, as well as what I want to live with.

What am I waiting for? The journey is not going to complete itself.

Celeste

So here we are again. Late night blog posts with Geoff. Okay maybe it's not super late, it's only 12:19 a.m. on Sunday, April 26th, 2020 at the start of writing, but late enough where the day has slowed down, everything is winding down for the night before I rest and prepare for the next day.

I think it was, what, a week and a half ago or so that I was asking what I should do about the letter I have and the crush post I saved from Sophia, given the emotional and feelies nature of it. And the decision on that was to just keep it out of sight as best as possible and just deal with it whenever I am healed from everything, regardless if the pain I am healing from was because of what I did or not.

The question of tonight is similar to that post, and I've been meaning to write this one out for a bit but as you can see, I am only getting to it now.

Aside from the letter, I have 2 other items gifted to me by Sophia. 1 is a copy of The Westing Game because she apparently had 2 extra copies with the original intent of giving it to some other friends but never got the chance to, so she decided to give me one and with it the letter was inside (where I still keep the letter because I don't know what else to do with it). The other item is a stuffed animal that she got for me for Christmas.

Here is a selfie I took with said stuffed animal on January 30th, 2020, and this was sent to Sophia in an attempt to cheer her up when she was feeling as if a lot of her close friendships were falling apart. This was sent all before the downfall of everything: of my character, of my maturity, of relationships because of my actions, etc.

I've named the puppy Celeste because in trying to just compliment Sophia more (when I had initially received Celeste) I was saying how I was blessed to have Sophia in my life, hence the name Celeste since it ties back into the word "celestial".

So now the question that remains is: what do I do with Celeste? I know I definitely don't want to throw her out, because if I'm being honest and a little vulnerable, I have my attachment to stuffed animals just because I'm really a kid at heart who somehow made it to 20 going on 21 (in 3 months exactly). Then to add to it all, just the ideas of Celeste being a gift from the first girl I had come to love.

I guess I could do similar to the letter and store Celeste away with some of my other stuffed animals from my childhood and then decide if that's where she will stay or if she will come back out in the future. But even then, will I not just think of everything I had experienced with Sophia when I do take Celeste back out?

Or do I just leave Celeste on my bed and just have her sort of be a reminder of everything. A reminder of who I was before I compromised everything. A reminder of what it means to love another. A reminder of all the good things in life. A reminder that I can be so much more than what I am now; that I can return to heights I once was at and even surpass it all if I try hard enough. That even in my lowly state as I perceive myself to be in, I don't have to stay here. To fight on towards a better day, and a better Geoff. That I don't have to keep beating myself up for things. That while yes a lot of things that happened this year are my fault. Yes, I failed out of college and there's no one to blame but me and my procrastination and laziness. Yes, I dissolved the best friend group I had ever created and had. Yes, I put strains on best friendships I had developed over time and now things are uneasy and difficult to walk along with.

And while all of that is true, I don't have to keep blaming myself everyday for it. I don't have to internally hate myself for it anymore. I can dislike the fact that I even let any of these things happen, but I can simultaneously use this all as an experience to learn from. That emotions can and will cloud my judgment and affect the following actions. That the next time I get into a situation of stress, of disbelief, of bad news, etc., I should step back and not say anything and then explain my spacing out when I calm down. Because it is a lot easier to ask for forgiveness for disappearing and reappearing when a response is appropriate, rather than to try to ask for forgiveness for damage that is sometimes too much to repair.

So yes, I don't know what I want to do nor do I know what I will do with Celeste, but all I know is that I have a choice to make that comes out of this all: I can choose to linger here in my lows and in my valleys. Or I can choose to rise up and once again be better and be more. To even improve myself further than ever. To learn from my mistakes and to not keep holding on to the pain that plagues me. Because I think that at this point the pain I experience is partly because I hold on to it. I can heal better and faster if I just let go of it and just use it as a teaching point; as a life lesson.

There are two pathways, and in my eyes only one of them is the right path to choose. The other will lead me into more time of pain, more time of sadness, more time of guilt. Is that the pathway I want to travel? Or do I want to see what more I can be; what more I can do? So while there is a fork in the road, there is only one choice, and all signs and directions point in that right way, so what's it going to be?

Side note, this blog finishes authoring at 12:41 a.m. on Sunday, April 26th, 2020.

The Darkness Within

Today I had a really confusing moment of rapid thought changes. And I thought it was, well, weird.

I woke up and didn't leave my room until "lunch" and was just playing Skyrim, checking social media, watching YouTube, just chilling after sleeping in since it's the weekend. While just sitting at my desk, I oddly had a moment of hating myself. If you didn't know, I have been struggling a bit with my weight, and it's just sometimes hard trying to wait out the progress as well as keep pressing on to work out and hopefully get the ideal body type I have in mind. So I was hating the fat around my midsection, and sitting down just makes it all look bigger and more unsightly, at least to me.

I know in reality that I am not super fat, and it's not really worth all the worry and anxiety or whatever emotion it would be to focus so hard on a semi-unrealistic physique, at least without strict working out and strict dieting to stay within very small margins of error to achieve.

Then that moment of darkness led to quicker irritability and that was odd. I try to keep my temper on a level state, but I was quick to irritate today, at least during those first few hours I was awake today. To add on to that, given my trek towards healing that I am working on, I had a moment of just not even worrying about anything and just to cut out all people in the past who I've now lost connection to since I effectively removed myself from Liberty.

And if you couldn't figure what I mean specifically by that, I mean I was not going to do anything to mend whatever is left between Sophia and I. I don't know if a friendship still exists, I don't know if it ever could exist, but whatever the case is, my dark moments almost made me just start committing to completely ignoring her apology and to never respond and never communicate with her again.

To my surprise, a friend I am not super close with but surprise surprise I once had a crush on, responded to my Instagram story just sharing a memory from a year ago today. That was when my hall had gone and played some kickball with her and her dorm. It was a super fun time and it's just a fond memory I have of the community I got to be a part of. She responds just asking how I'm doing, and it was nice because from what I do know of her is that she is intentional with everyone and is very kind. Her message brought me back to my senses and made me realize the darkness was unnecessary and not something that is naturally a part of me. Well, maybe there is a level of darkness that is part of me, but the thoughts I had was not the same.

All in all, it makes me think, maybe there really is a God out there and that even though I had forsaken Him in the past week, He hasn't forsaken me. That He knows who to use to reach out to me, even in times of darkness and times of isolation. It just warmed the heart. I guess I just gotta have more faith and press on.

Dread It. Run From It.

Destiny arrives all the same.

I feel like a fact that I have to come to terms with is that part of healing is that it won't remove the memories, or at least it won't completely remove any pains of remembrance or reminsicing.

I feel like that even after these past few months, I still feel a tinge of sadness when I think about some of the things I got to experience with Sophia. I hear things, see things, and my mind makes the connection.

Today at work, two customers came in and while they were waiting for me to finish wrapping up their subs, I noticed they kinda pushed into each other, like a playful shove. So it was likely this was not a brother/sister relationship, unless on the off chance they were really close siblings. My money's on them being a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of deal.

The thing is is that while witnessing it, it made me think of how I would playfully nudge Sophia and the like. And if not even just solely about her, just a mild yearning for wanting someone special to just be able to play around like that. Yet all I can do is just bide my time and try to find a pathway to healing and a pathway to restoration.

No matter how many days I feel good, or feel confident, or even if/when the day comes when I feel like I am fully confident and content with myself and even at peace with the way things are, I don't think I will ever shake the feelings of missing those times I had. At least not any time soon.

I don't know if I should count these moments as setbacks in my healing process if I think about the moments and memories I had with Sophia. I don't know what to do or where to go. I sometimes wonder if I should even just move on entirely, in the sense that whenever I feel like I have healed to just not even try to rebuild a friendship with her. I sometimes find myself just wanting to not worry about being friends with her again. Sometimes I just wish she never were in my life. But that's not fair. Neither to me nor especially to her.

And just as I have made parallels between Bruce Wayne and myself, maybe Sophia is my "Rachel". Someone who I came to love, but circumstances have made it impossible to be together. That all I can do is be friends and just have to be okay with that and just move on with my life. That even if that is the case, I can make it through and things really will work out for me in time, just as Bruce finally got his rest with Selina Kyle. I guess that if Sophia really is like Rachel for me, that I don't get hung up over her and try to win her back or try hard to just impress her all the time.

So what do I do? I know healing and moving on is what I need to do. As for what do I do about anything regarding Sophia? I guess I'll just stay calm and if God would allow me to just return, to trust that He would work things out in time. I guess I just need to learn how to fully submit myself and let everything be in God's hands.

The Prodigal Son

As I've mentioned a few posts ago, I feel my faith faltering and fading away. I feel like I am in disbelief of the God I claimed to be mine. That I would walk away from it all.

But then there are things and even moments that keep reminding me that no matter what I do, I can never truly walk away.

Maybe it's out of habit but whenever we sit down as a family to pray, I close my eyes and bow my head. For a couple of days during my initial declaration to walk away, I just would fake the gestures and in reality just keep my eyes open and not pay attention the words being prayed.

But these past couple of nights I've been actually returning to closing my eyes and paying some level of attention to the words being said. And I know that that doesn't make or break my faith, but it just seems like it's ingrained into me and that it's just the lifestyle I live and am so used to that I do it without even thinking.

Also, a few nights ago, I was just lying in bed just about to fall asleep. And for the most part I don't typically get songs stuck in my head, unless I just listened to one somehow. For example, if I watch or think about TikToks, I can probably get some "TikTok song" stuck in my head. But that night I didn't have anything in my head, even after my nightly routine of lying in bed and watching some TikToks before I fall asleep.

Then out of seemingly nowhere, the song "The God Who Stays" by Matthew West started in my head. It was almost as if I was being spoken to. I know that in my days when my faith had been stronger, I would think over song lyrics and realize that sometimes I would have been spoken to through various Christian music.

In particular, the lyrics of, "You're the God who stays, You're the God who stays. You're the One who runs in my direction, when the whole world walks away. You're God who stands, with wide open arms. And You tell me nothing I have ever done can separate my heart, from the God who stays". Almost as if my renouncement and attempt to walk away didn't work and never would really pull me away from God.

Or I also listen to for KING & COUNTRY's music still in the shower, and while they aren't all worship songs, they relate to God somehow. Why would I listen to these kinds of songs if this is a faith I want to walk away from? That this is all something I don't want to associate with. Even if I don't directly interact with the songs, they are interacting with my subconscious as I remember and go through the lyrics in my head every night.

My point being that I find things throughout my day and my life that is drawing me back to where I thought I could turn away from. I don't know what I will do, whether or not I will try to fight it or will I just submit and return and see what happens and where it takes me. If I learned anything there wouldn't be any point to fighting it as I never had control to begin with, and that whatever is meant to happen will happen. That even this year is going according to plan, even if the world doesn't think so. That everything will work out.

So I guess I'll return to my faith, but then I have a lot of repentance to do and a lot of submission to commit to.

And here I thought I could run away.

I am just the prodigal son who turned to the world and realized that the world can't ever offer anything permanent that can satisfy me forever. There's only one place and one source that can fulfill me.

Why The Customer Isn't ALWAYS Right

It's a weird world out there.

Well, I feel like we already knew that, but it's just that with the coronavirus and everyone showing a bit more of their crazy side, we just notice all the craziness, the weirdness, the stupidity, and in some instances the entitlement.

I know that in most cases the customer, or the client, is always right. That whoever is working in an establishment should do their best to make sure the customer has a good time and a good experience, to therefore encourage repeat visits, or more business through recommendations, etc. I know that while we shouldn't be like a slave to a master, we should do our best to accommodate the customer as much as possible.

Given the pandemic that's been plaguing the United States for the past 3 months (or so), we have had to make some drastic changes to the way we operate and the policies we enforce in order to keep everyone safe. And that includes the workers and employees too. There is a little bit of push and shove, but it works out for the most part.

For example, we had to close our restrooms to the public so as to keep it a bit more sanitary (well, in theory) and just have less traffic in and out. Sometimes a customer would ask, "do you have a bathroom" to which the response is always, "unfortunately, due to recent circumstances and events we had to close the restrooms to the public for safety of our employees". I mean if a customer goes in the restroom once, it's not a big deal for them. But for us who use that during the entirety of our shift? That could pose a problem. If some sickness is lingering in there (which there probably is and our bodies are mostly protected against it anyways), one visit might not do harm, but 2, 3, 4 uses might. Sure you could argue to just drink less so as to avoid multiple trips to the bathroom. But then what? Dehydrate myself and feel parched all day long to avoid the bathroom? I don't think that that is wise either because a weakened immune system due to dehydration (I don't know if that's a thing or not, but I suspect it might be) seems just as dangerous as not using a restroom.

Now, for those customers regarding the restroom, they typically understand and they don't say anything more. But today was a different issue and a different response.

To avoid having us come into contact with any garbage that is in a ways unnecessary to us (aside from byproducts of opening food items and what not), we have removed the garbage can from the dining room area. This one customer comes in to pick up his online order, which is fine, but he's carrying a take out bag from Chick-fil-A, with presumably garbage and an empty cup as well (since you could see the top of the cup with the lid and the red straw sticking out).

The customer asks, "is there a garbage anywhere?" We respond with, "no outside garbage please", since technically a CFA bag is not created by our hand and it shouldn't be our responsibility to dispose of a customer who didn't want to take care of it elsewhere/at home. The customer then has the audacity to try to leave the trash on one of our tables and just walk out. The store owner starts partially yelling at him saying, "no no, you better not leave your trash here". The customer replies with, "well what am I supposed to do?" "We're not a Chick-fil-A so please do not leave your trash on the table." "But I'm a customer!" "If you leave your trash on our table, that'd be pretty rude of you to do that." "You know what? I'll just never come back!"

I was in disbelief as I watched this all go down. The fact that the customer was willing to sacrifice his character and leave trash in our store, and then try to pull the "I'm a customer" as if him spending his money to buy food all the sudden gives him the right to do whatever he wants?

I could not believe I witnessed what I did. And I don't want to sound cocky or arrogant to say something like, "oh well you're not making or breaking our business" because I'd imagine it's probably very lucky that we even have as much business as we do, plus that would be unnecessary of me to be like that.

Anyways, I memorized the guy's license plate of his white SUV (I didn't pay attention the make or model) but C17JNJ is the culprit to it all. Is it really that bad if that information is here? License plates are on display all the time so I can't imagine it's illegal to share.

All in all, it just shows that some people just really let out their true colors under circumstances that are tense, or even scenarios in which something does not go to our liking. He didn't like the fact that we won't throw away his garbage, so he tried to leave it and force us to deal with it.

The customer just isn't always right. Within reason, they can be, but this was beyond reason.

The Plan

I was talking with my best friend, who I graduated high school with, last night and I was asking him if whenever I fully heal if I should respond to the apology that was sent to me by Sophia. I know it's a bit early to be asking such a question, but it is still valid and something to start considering in the event I want to respond to it.

Here's the breakdown:

As of right now, my friend tells me to not worry about responding to it unless it would make me feel better about myself, but that is if and only if I can achieve full healing first and if this is still on my mind by then. That the longer I wait to respond, the more it just seems kind of empty and not as necessary. So basically it just is my call to whether or not I want to respond and see if Sophia actually wants a friendship with me or not.

From a certain point of view, some would say that I don't owe her anything. That I need not worry about repairing those bridges because of the pain that it had caused me in all of the burning, whether it was my fault (the first time) or hers (the second time, about 9 days ago). And maybe it's unfair of me to say it was her fault and that she truly burned the bridge given the fact that I read the apology message and can partially gather some semblance of her intention (oh yeah and yesterday I did finally "read" the message in my Instagram dm's, so now it will say I've opened and read the message).

From another point of view, some might say I should at least show her the same graces and mercies she has shown me by allowing me back into her life for that little bit of time in between the Fallout of February and this incident. That she forgave me and allowed me to apologize for my mistakes, my faults, and my trespasses against her. So if for nothing more than being fair, that I should return the favor. Not to say that everyone should keep score of every little thing that happens, because if you live your life like that, then you'll be living a life of always trying to one up other people and trying to get them to owe you something, and that's no way to live. It's a schemer's lifestyle, and typically gets frowned upon when people realize what you're doing. It's not a matter of it, but more of when. For me, I just want to try to be as fair as possible and realize that sometimes when people do something, I should at least try to do something for them, not so much to settle the score, but just to be a good human and do good things for them as they have for me. It's always a two-way street. Just be careful with that thinking process, I suppose.

So that brings me to the title: "The Plan"

My plan of action from here on out is to see how I feel every 7 days (so every week) that passes from the incident. For example, since the damage was dealt on Sunday, April 12th, 2020 and the apology was sent 1:17 a.m. Monday, April, 13th, 2020, every 7 days from the 13th, I will gauge where I am at. On the Sundays before each Monday (because that's how the calendar works) I can allow myself just a moment or two to think about it all, should it come into my mind, but I won't think about it much.

Not to say that a week is magical or some healing properties, but more of that it gives me a guideline. That I shouldn't be thinking about it on the daily (even though I partially do), and if I do then to just have a set time in which I can choose to act or not to act.

As of right now, I don't know if I will choose to finally respond to the apology, but if I do there is a set of criteria that has to be met:

1. First off, I need to be fully healed. And if you're asking how will I gauge that it is as follows:
1. I need to feel fully confident with myself
2. I need to feel happy with myself
3. I need to feel like I can be at peace with everything that has happened, whether on my part, on her part, or just everything in between
2. I need to somehow gauge if my presence would even be accepted or wanted
1. I haven't exactly figured out a plan for this since it's probably too soon to be thinking about it, but I'm thinking I'll contact people I know and see if they can help, or maybe I'll just find some means of passively expressing something that would test the waters

I suppose in time I will develop criteria #2, but that's not as important as I have to work on myself. I still have a lot of healing to do, but I feel like I'm on the right path. I'm working out again, I feel pretty good at work, and I have what I need to relax and enjoy life at home, even given the social distancing and coronavirus stuff going around.

I guess if you're this far down on the post, maybe stay tuned for updates if there are any updates on this.

Iroh: Everyone's Favorite Uncle

Have you ever watched Avatar: The Last Airbender? I'm not talking about Avatar by James Cameron, nor am I talking about the trash, garbage fire abomination that is The Last Airbender by M. Night Shyamalan. I'm talking source material, best show to ever exist on Nicktoons, totally ahead of its time, Avatar: The Last Airbender.

If you haven't, you should. Walmart sells the whole series collection on DVD (at what point will a DVD be relevant and when will I be "too old" for using or knowing about them?) for about $27. Don't bother with the combo pack for Legend of Korra, it just isn't worth it in my opinion.

If you have watched ATLA (I'm not about to write out the title every time, even though it is such an amazing show, I would give it proper honor 😅), you would know about Uncle Iroh. Iroh, for those unaware and still reading, is Fire Prince Zuko's, well, uncle. And for some slight context, Zuko is the banished prince of the Fire Nation, sent to find and capture the Avatar so that Fire Lord Ozai can end the Avatar and take ahold of the entire world as Fire Lord Sozin before him had wanted to do.

Throughout the series, we see the character development of Zuko, and a lot of comes from Iroh's wisdom and insights that he pours out freely and to any who he deems needs it. He is one of the kindest souls in the Avatar world, and it's just a shame he isn't real. The world could use a real life Iroh.

Anyways, I bring up Iroh because there was this picture someone (I don't know who) drew, with one of his wise insights:

"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely" -Uncle Iroh

Such a powerful quote that is applicable to, dare I say, most if not all people across the globe. Everyone faces failure in one way or another. For me, as I have expressed multiple times now on this blog, I've failed out of college. I've also had shortcomings, or failures as you could call them, in my maturity, in my actions, in my decisions, and in so many aspects that I'm sure I don't even know or could possibly acknowledge due to either forgetting it or because I am too blinded by my own thoughts and conceptions to realize how much I have failed in that area.

Moving on, the quote is great because it gives you a chance to step back and realize that while a failure is indeed a setback, it's not permanent. It doesn't have to be, but it can be if you let it. Just like how some might say that "anger gives you great power, but if you let it, it will destroy you" *cough* Ra's al Ghul *cough*. So while I see 2020 as failure after failure, knockback after knockback, setback after setback, I can still get up and take what I have learned in and through my own failure to either move on or retry my hand at what I had failed at, but with new knowledge, wisdom, and insights to do better and be better.

So, the question that is left standing is: will I let my own failure be the end of me? Or will I just take my shortcomings and my failures and learn from them; take the new knowledge and wisdom gained from being knocked down and get up and fight on? To keep moving forward with experience and wisdom. To keep on learning on a day to day basis to make myself better. To be better. To stop worrying about other people being right for me or perfect for me, when I can work on being right or as perfect as I can get as a human with flaws.

With that being said, thank you very much, Iroh. Thank you for being so well written and such an amazing character that I'm sure everyone who has ever seen the show loves. I know I'm thanking a character and I should be thanking the writer, but you know what I mean, right?

So as my final note before this post ends is: let us all take Iroh's wisdom and insights and learn from it to make us better and press onwards, no matter how many or how few times we encounter and tangle with failure. Failure is just one more step closer to success. It's one more notch under our belts to make us better and develop us more and more.

Feelin' Good

🎼🎵 "Like I should, took a walk around the neighborhood. Feelin' blessed, never stressed, got that sunshine on my Sunday best" 🎵

I forgot how good it is to exercise. And yeah you'll always have a fitness nut telling you, "you better exercise because you gotta stay in shape", or whatever it is they tell you. And honestly, over the past 4.5 years that I've been more or less taking better care of myself, I've learned that sometimes you just don't want to exercise. And that it is so easy to slip back into a sedentary lifestyle, because you just don't need to worry about setting time aside to work out, whether or not that includes weights and/or cardio. I've been tracking my calories (approximately because I don't weigh every single thing I eat, plus there's always going to be some level of a discrepancy), for the past 1,694 days (~4 years, 7 months, and 24 days) and for a good portion of that time I would do different things to help better my health.

There would also be stretches of time where I don't do much more than track my calories. And I survived through it and I think considering everything, I'm still pretty well off. My weight has gone up and down and way up in comparison, but that's also because my goals, my methods, my intentions, and my knowledge has changed. At first, I dropped from 180 pounds (I don't know what body fat percentage, and I never really knew), down to 155-160. I was bone thin. Then I put on some weight, some muscle, some fat, and I've been bouncing around between 184 and 200 for the past several months.

What encouraged me today was in part the emotional distress I've been in since last week, and also that I weighed in today at 200.1 lbs. I realized that my lack of exercise, aside from push ups most days of the week, led to a weight gain that was probably more significantly fat than muscle, although I wouldn't put it past me to say some muscle growth happened since I recently started doing 100 push ups (or more, as much as 250) throughout the day on the days I did push ups.

I want to get myself back into a better shape, as I've noticed my belly is starting to get a bit fluffier than I want it to be. I do still see some muscle underneath it all, so I got to make sure I maintain if not work on that, but overall, I think I'm not doing terrible. In fact, I just have some rough edges that I can polish up and make myself feel really confident and really good about myself again.

So all in all, I don't really know how long I will keep this all going, hopefully indefinitely since I have at least another 3-4 weeks of social distancing, so no aikido and no gym. I hope to find exercises that work the areas I want, and the energy to press on to better myself and give myself some self care and self love because that's what I need right now. I need to work on me for me and then maybe the world will finally line up. It was once lining up for me, got scrambled throughout the course of 2020, but now it's time to work towards a realignment, even if I have to force it. Make things as good as possible for myself, and then let everything else fall into place.

Time for my own ascension to greatness, wherever that takes me since everyone's path is different.

Catharsis

I never realized how handy video games can be. Well, I guess assuming it is a pastime of yours. For me it is.

It helps to keep me distracted, and I can feel like I accomplished something when I do well in the game or get some good progress. Or whatever it is. Basically it just feels good, the dopamine be aflowing and feelsgoodman.

I returned to a game a played on and off in high school, played a bit during freshman year of college, and now I'm back at it. It's been pretty fun and I fly through the game given my ability to learn and maximize the game mechanics to my favor. It's been really helpful in this time of hurting, confusion, loneliness, and uncertainty.

I do plan on rebalancing the way I spend my time to add exercise back into my life. I do a bit of strength training with push ups and decline push ups, but I feel like I want to work in some cardio. To keep my cardio health up and maintain some level of fitness so as to not totally potato out and put on too much weight in this quarantine/social distancing time period. I haven't had any good cardio for the past month, and I have at least another month of this since NJ is staying the way it is until May 15th for now.

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to write a quick post updating on my progress and that I'm finding things to cope and heal from the downs of the world. Who knows where rock bottom is, if I've hit rock bottom, or if this is my rock bottom, but all I can do is try to go up at any given time.

Stories Have It Easy

All throughout entertainment, you can find examples of a character has a love interest and then loses them due to something they couldn't control.

But because of the magic of screenwriting, through trials and tribulations that changes and puts the character through some sort of metamorphosis, they end up getting the love of their life. They also put in quotes that inspire hope for a hopeless and they are nothing but misleading and false.

I rewatched a clip of Avatar The Last Airbender, and it was talking about Avatar Roku's life and how he had a love for a girl and she "didn't even know he existed". Then he eventually ended up getting her and married her and said, "if love is true, it finds a way".

Or like awhile ago, I wrote about an episode of God Friended Me that I had watched and there was a quote there saying, "if she's the one, she'll come back to you". Or re-enter your life, whatever. The point being that if the love was meant to be, it will work out anyways.

And it makes me envious. Because I wish my life could be like that. And maybe that's just because I'm too hung up on this one girl. That I should move on just like I had been able to for the 16 crushes before her. That it's been 2 months since I had read the words I never wanted to read from her. And if you just happened to run the numbers on all the other crushes, I only crushed on someone for about 4 months average. So the timing is already off.

At times I had felt that Sophia was the one. That it was all going to work out be the one I was supposed to be with, making all the worries and anxieties before null and void. And now that that is seemingly not the case, it makes me wish I were just a character in a story where I would eventually get her in the end.

But I know I gotta move on, and it just sucks so much. I'm left with nothing but a memory of my happiest times. Of other people even realizing it and telling me that I had looked the happiest that they have ever seen me, and that was coming from someone who lived with me for 2 years. Sure 2 years out of 20 isn't a whole lot (only 10%) but you learn quite a bit abou5 someone when you text them everyday and hang out with them so much, as well as share a room with them. He's been able to see me happy, and if he says that being with Sophia was the happiest he has ever seen me, then that must be quite something.

Except now neither of them are in my life anymore than just a memory. And I guess the only thing I can do now is move on.

God damn, this hurts so much. This healing is taking forever and maybe it won't even happen. I just wish I never met either of them so I wouldn't feel this pain. That this year would have "sucked" because of failing out of school and the coronavirus, but at least I wouldn't have felt the added pain of losing best friends as well as the added fact of one of them being someone I loved.

Losing Faith

I've been feeling my faith slip away from me. I don't pray anymore, I don't care so much whenever I "cave to a sinful habit", and I didn't even pay attention to the church sermon put on during the online service. I just sat in the room, on my phone, browsing Facebook/Reddit the entire time.

I don't know, things just seem so off. I know some people would say something like, "sometimes God challenges you so you can grow", or whatever other sentence or phrase they could say to try to tell me to not lose faith and not lose hope now. That this is all a test.

But I can't see it that way. I can't find anything to give me hope in this. I tried the whole trust thing and it didn't work. I trusted God when things got out and Sophia learned I had crushed on her just a few weeks after I had officially met her. I trusted that things would work out in the right timing. And it worked. I got some of the best moments ever. I was the happiest I had ever been. I had felt the most loved I have ever felt in my entire life. I know my family has always loved me through everything, but to feel a love from a girl outside of the family was amazing. To hug her and feel that electrifyingly good feeling. To cuddle with her and just snuggle up by her side made me feel so good and feel so happy.

Then while I know that it is my fault for losing the privilege of attending Liberty, but I had lost more this year than I could ever see that I have gained. And I know you could say, "Geoff, your own actions and words led to the downfall of your favorite friend group ever". And yeah, you'd be right. But I lost them and what kind of God gives me such an amazing friend group and not give me the wisdom to slow down when things got heated. And to quote the prequel memes, I quite literally became the very thing I swore to destroy.

I was told in those moments right before the downfall that I was the destroyer of friend groups. While I didn't technically be the destroyer of the last friend group since everyone had their own problems and it was only a matter of time, I didn't exactly help to try to keep them together. And in my anger of being blamed for destroying that last group, I blindly took action and destroyed the group and this time it was my fault.

So tell me: what kind of God who is all powerful and all good lets this happen? Why does this God allow for me to create bonds and friendships with people for 1 semester and then lose them all. As I pointed out in my post talking about the last messages of love from Sophia, she says I had grown in maturity. Then what happened here?

I feel so much was lost and what could ever be the gain in this all? That I got a job? But okay sure I didn't need this so soon. I would much rather have someone I loved rather than have the ability to make money. I mean I had even considered taking up a part time job during the semester, so there's that. They always say God gives and takes away. So sure, if I believe that, then what have I been given? They always say God has something greater when he takes things away.

So God took away my greatest friend group, took away the only person I had the privilege to love deeply and really learn what love is, and my ability to practice an art I had come to love as well (of which I don't really care about anymore). And what have I gained? A job? But that's it. My hours are being cut down because of the coronavirus. And speaking of which, whether or not I returned to Liberty, I'd still end up at home at this time of year because my return to school wouldn't have stopped the virus.

Then not only that, I've lost the friends I had begun to make amends with. I was pushed away and now I know the extent of the damages when I did the same a couple of months ago. The anger I feel within myself because of all the negativity just eats away at my soul. I can't find any faith or hope left in me.

My faith is slipping through my fingers like soup through a fork. Escaping me like a thought escapes someone with Alzheimer's. Leaving me like a balloon set loose.

What kind of God allows this to happen?

What kind of God takes and takes and takes and doesn't give me something to look forward to?

What kind of test is this supposed to be that I should just wait it out?

Emotional Rollercoaster

This past week has been kinda wild as far as emotions go.

As I had briefly mentioned in the last post, it's been, well, a week since ties were cut off of a past friendship. That I suppose we're still working towards the 1 week mark since receiving an apology for the words that pushed me away this time.

Here's where I'm at with everything: I currently feel a bit unsure of if I want to accept the apology. Now I know that that might not seem fair, but hear me out: it's a bit fresh right now for me. I know I've done the same when the whole ordeal 2 months ago happened and I pushed people away, one of them being the other party in this "incident" too. So from one way you could view it as karma: I pushed her away and then came back with an apology, and now she pushed me away and came back with an apology.

Looking back at it, and I know not everything for everyone is always going to be the same, but it would appear that I had gone about a week before I decided I wanted to reach out again and try reconnecting. February 4th, everything hit the fan, and then February 11th I had begun the mending process. Sure it wasn't exactly an apology on that day but close enough. It would be a couple days later that I would call and apologize to her. Anyways, that's beside the point. Part of me wonders why she was so quick to apologize. I mean maybe this was slightly different in that the pushing away was different. I pushed away because I couldn't maturely handle the emotions and thoughts going through my mind at that moment. She pushed me away in an attempt to get me to heal and move on. But then why apologize if I need to move on anyways? Because that ultimately hurt me more?

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and act tough when the reality is that I just fall apart when someone knows how to get to me or says something that just sneaks its way in very quickly. Maybe I created this workaround myself and only now is it presenting itself as a problem.

Whatever the case is that led the apology, I guess all that's left is waiting and figuring out to see what I want to do. I should probably show grace just as grace had been shown to me when I had apologized. A discussion for another time, there's other things I want to talk about in this post.

Some of the other emotions I had felt were anger, as you could probably infer from some of the posts. I had felt denial and tried to believe that this pain of losing friends wasn't happening again. I had felt sadness because I still feel an emptiness inside of me because of how close I had gotten with her and now it's gone. And look, even though I finally disclosed her name the other day (see "Uncharted Waters"), I can't even bring myself to write her name out now. I don't know why, I'm just strange, I guess.

I had felt a bit of sadness while we were watching Doctor Strange. At one point, after Christine Palmer meets Stephen in the wash room after trying to save the Ancient One, they have a mildly tender moment, as they had once been in love with each other. They held hands and just were standing with each other. As Stephen prepares to go back into the mystic world to protect Earth from Dormammu, Christine closes in for a kiss on his cheek. Almost like an expression of love of a past life.

Now the only reason I had felt sad was because somehow my mind had brought me to December 10th, 2019. The day I left Liberty for the last time during the fall semester. The last time I saw her. The last time I got to hug her. For just a moment I had wished I had decided to just kiss her goodbye, even on the cheek, since I know she doesn't want to kiss any guy until she feels like he's the one so to speak, since kissing is a pretty intimate step in a relationship. I mean I had wanted to kiss her anyways, but knowing how she felt I had to restrain myself. She knew I wanted to as well.

But now it's all gone. Now it's all the past. Anything I had once wished I could do with her is gone. No turning back, no rewinding the clock, nothing of the sort.

I guess I still need more time to heal if things like relationships portrayed in movies make me reminisce over the closest thing I had to a relationship. I don't even know what to do, how to heal, or anything of the sort.

This past week has been ups and downs, lefts and rights, corkscrews and loops, accelerations and brakings, just anything you could imagine a rollercoaster could be like.

Part of me wants to reach out. But I know if I do, I'll be caught in an endless, vicious cycle of taking time away, talking again, getting sad and feeling apologetic, push away, and it will repeat over and over and over again until she cuts off ties completely. Then I would have a permanent void and nothing to fill it with. So I need to stay away for now. If I ever feel like I healed and gotten better, then maybe I will reach out. But I cannot be talking to her if I am not healed of these pains. She has a point and she needn't have apologized to me. I'm just too sensitive and can't take the same heat I dish out.

Here's to however many days or weeks or whatever unit of time until I heal. Debatable if this social distancing stuff will end before I heal.

Open The Gate

I was thinking about it earlier today.

I know I probably shouldn't even have closed the gates so to speak to begin with.

Clearly my maturity is not at all where it needs to be for someone my age.

Anyways, I was considering an unblocking of messages.

I know it doesn't do much if I don't send anything. It also probably doesn't mean much if the other party is not checking to see if messages can be sent. I highly doubt that that is even happening considering I haven't even responded nor opened the apology on Instagram leading to a "read receipt". I mean sure I opened it on my text messages, but I don't think a read receipt is sent there.

Anyways, I don't know if this is something I should be doing. I don't know why I am even considering it when it hasn't even been a week since that apology has been sent. I think I would need more time to heal. More time away. Indefinite on the amount of time to heal, and not just saying a mere week or anything of the sort. Not even to say 2 weeks, 3 weeks, a month, or whatever conceivable amount of time. Because healing takes time and is not set to a schedule I create.

So with that, I guess I will keep it in mind to reopen communication, but also not worry about things too much because I still need to heal. My next post will talk about how I know I need more time to heal.

Stress Brings Out The True Colors

In the times of stress and uncertainty that we face as a country, it tends to bring out everyone's true colors. It has brought out my own, and it has brought out those of people I am surrounded with on a regular basis.

It's so much easier to hide your true emotions when things are going well, and even "going according to plan". When daily life is guaranteed, and there is little to no worry about anything much more than just getting up and going to work like clockwork and like everyone else. It's easier to hide how you feel when someone says or does something that you don't like when the times are not already adding stress to everyone's lives since life is full of its own stresses, that any extra stress can cause wear and tear and bring people to their core instincts and reactions.

As circumstances have proven my own true colors as well as those who I had once interacted with (receiving threats of harm and the like), I have also realized that some of my coworkers are not as mature as they try to portray themselves to be. I will give credit though in that they are doing a solid job at working a couple of jobs to pay their own way at age 19, but in reality they are just a kid still, like me. I don't say "kid" to make it sound like I'm an adult and they are a kid. No, we're both kids, and we both have a lot to learn before anything can really prove either of our adulthood.

A coworker of mine would brag about saying "oh today when I get off at 4, I'm going to go home, have a couple of beers, and go to sleep". They would brag about all sorts of things, try to be the shift lead meanwhile both the assistant manager and the general manager were on the clock, telling me what to do and the like. Telling me stuff such as, "Geoff, can you sprinkle this" (sprinkling is the term we use for dressing the subs with vegetables, dressings, spices, etc), "Geoff, can you go ring up this customer", "Geoff I need you to do this, I need you to do that". I know that while I am among one of the lesser experienced on staff given my 2 months of work, but I also have a pretty firm grasp of the knowledge and information on the store. I know how to do tasks, and sometimes I'm in the middle of something, and I cannot just drop what I'm doing to go do whatever task that coworker assigns to me.

I do try my best to fulfill their requests. I know that I don't have to listen to them necessarily and there are other people that can override his requests, but I try to not be so stubborn and say, "I'm already doing this, why don't you go do that yourself", although admittedly I do think that sometimes. That coworker was firmly rooted as a slicer, even though since we are understaffed a bit, or at least shorter on staff because of the virus, you've gotta be a flexible worker and just do whatever needs to be done and just go from one task to the next.

I get it that slicing is a pretty fun task to do. I guess a bit dangerous, but there are safety precautions in place that if you just don't be stupid and put your left hand in the slicer, you will be find (it's more meant for a right hand usage, so your right hand will be fine as long as you know where to place your hand, etc.).

At some point today, the GM says for me to stay on wrapping duty since we got backed up a bit, tells me coworker to get off the slicer and sprinkle, and tells the AM to do slicing. Immediately, you can see that my coworker was not happy about that at all. I would assume they don't like the GM or at least don't like getting told what to do because they feel as if they are an adult and can do things well enough, I don't honestly know. But they started slamming the oil and vinegar bottles down. I guess not all that hard, but you can hear that it wasn't placed down and it was carelessly dropped from a mild height. You could hear the metal spatula we use to spread the mayonnaise be thrown back in to the tub, you can hear subs being carelessly shifted across the cutting board with no regard of keeping it nice and running the risk of toppling everything from just pushing it with excessive force as compared to moving it to create more space for the next orders.

I guess I can't really get on their case as I've done things like that before, just not in my workplace. I guess the main part is how carelessly they were treating customer's food, and the fact that there was a customer standing in front of us (don't worry at least 6 feet away) and she could watch everything we were doing.

I would have to assume that my GM and the store owner had talked to him about it because at some point, I did kind of mention it to the GM saying, "oh _______ did not like it at all when you told him to sprinkle. [They] were angrily putting the bottles down, kinda throwing things around". I didn't say it to be a snitch or a tattletale. I said it more because it bothered me on how unprofessional it looked. How there was a customer and this was how they were going to behave when things didn't go their way.

I also kinda mentioned it in passing to the AM, saying, "_____ doesn't seem very happy" to which he responds, "yeah [they're] not in a good mood right now". So everyone saw it.

The GM did pull my coworker to the back and I guess talked to him? I figured it wasn't my business and I didn't need to listen in. Then I did notice later on the store owner was having some level of a serious talk with my coworker.

I don't know why I wrote such a long post about this, nor why it was in the forefront of my mind. I guess I should use this as an example for myself that even if times are difficult and when things or people are challenging me or saying things to me that I may not like that I need to watch how I react, because I never know who is truly watching me. It's more for my own character development and my own integrity to just do as I'm told and save my gripes for later on when I have other people I can talk to about it rather than express it in the here and now, especially in the workplace.

Like I said, I have had my fair share of immature moments. That's what brought me to a lot of these negative points in 2020. I could have very easily still had the Liberty Batfamily to talk to. I could have very easily not have had threats made to me or lose people I considered best friends, had I not reacted immediately and immaturely as I so point out my coworker had done.

Let it be a lesson to both you and I that we are always being watched and that our reactions can be examined and change the evaluation of our character and us as a whole. That we should know what is appropriate and what is not for any given situation. That there is a time and a place for everything.

Stress brings out our true colors, so I will be looking to work towards making sure my true colors change and just show a more level-headed thought process and not overreact or immaturely react to anything anymore.

Uncharted Waters

Like I kinda hinted at in the previous post, there will be posts that are more serious and not so light as talking about Club Penguin. This is also the first post I'm ever writing that I don't know what the title is going to be. I usually have an idea of what I want to talk about, and thus I would compose the title first before the post and somehow either reference the title or incorporate the theme or the meaning of the post to tie into the title. So we're out on uncharted waters now.

Well, without further ado, here we go:

As I'm almost certain I've mentioned, I hold on still to the one and only letter I have from S. The one given to me on a chilly night, December 8th, 2019. And my oh my did it warm my heart that night when I finally read it at my dorm after the night's activities had been done and everything had run its course. I mean it wasn't hard to melt me given everything, but only by the one person. By her. I think enough time has passed and now that things are gone, I'll finally disclose what the letter had said, word for word. Well, actually you can look at it yourself.

To be a girl's "dearest". To read the words "I love you" from a girl of interest. To read the words that had described a girl's feelings of how things have gone over a given time period. All of the things I hadn't ever expected to read any time soon. And now those are times of the past. Times I cannot go back to. Times I cannot relive. Times I know are just distant memories now.

Then there's also the matter of reading the words that was a would-be LU Crushes post about me. Words that would have potentially been posted on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019. Words withheld at first because of uncertainties on her end. Uncertain on how I would react. Of when I would see it. Uncertain if the time was right. Maybe it would have been better for it to never been shared, so as to save me the pain and the hurt of getting closer and then losing it all. And yet, I hold on to the words, copied and pasted from a text message in Facebook messenger and saved into Google Keep Notes where I have all sorts of other notes I needed to write. Because at the time the blog was not the place for that. And now, I will also disclose those words:

Such kind words. Words that had spoken to me deeper because it was the little things that had been remembered. Stuff like how I don't like the way my hands look because of my eczema. Pointing out things saying I had matured (and now proven my immaturity, but at that time it was a positive growth and not a setback). Complimenting my liking to dress up in my suit and tie, or even my attempt at a batsuit. Things like that. It just warms the heart to know that even the little things are remembered.

So the question now is: why do I still have records of these, or hold onto them? Why do I still keep the letter that was written for a time when feelings had been flowing and love was in the air, warming up the chilly winter season? Why do I still have the note having word for word the crush post about me?

Is it because they are inherently special to me? Even if those times and those feelings are gone? Because I had never before have a girl say she loves me? Because while I have had several LU Crushes posts about me (yay for being one of the reknowned "trolls"), that this one actually meant more to me given I would have figured out who the author is and given how meaningful I had found the post to have been because of how the wording is?

I know not why I still hold onto it all. I don't know what I should do. Do I delete the note in my app and do I shred or otherwise destroy the letter written for me? Will that be the best course of action so I can let go and move on? Or do I just leave it alone, keep them until the day I die or for forever as a reminder of what it feels like to be loved; as a nod to warmer feelings, of times before such a crazy year if for nothing else the pandemic alone?

I feel myself leaning towards the latter. To keep them. Because in this time of uncertainty and of the pandemic as I had never experienced before, I should hold on to what was good and what is good in my life. Everything is up in the air now. There's no guarantees anymore. No guarantee that I would even be working tomorrow. No guarantee on when the social distancing and effective state shut down will end. No end in sight to the craziness and return to normal, where I don't have to wear masks to go into any shop or location. Where I don't have to worry about being 6 feet apart from everyone else, etc.

So there it is, folks. The final words of love and of times before 2020 that I have left of Sophia. And yeah, I wrote her name because it says it in those screenshots. I guess there's no more a need for anonymity if those times are gone and are lost to the ages.

I guess I still need to just move on. I mean I should have been moving on regardless given I wouldn't easily return to LU for visits and everything. And now especially none of my friends are there now because of the crisis or pandemic whatever the proper term is. It's a long road of journeying, of healing. It's going to be a long while before I think I would be at a good place again. And maybe I should be taking this social distancing time to reset. To heal myself for the future. To not forever be hung up on one girl.

It's going to be hard.

It's uncharted waters I head in to. And maybe that is going to be the title.

I don't know if I have the strength, all this talk about being stronger than ever, and here I am, weaker than a child.

"I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it" -Kylo Ren

Trial By Fire

I think I might be addicted kinda sorta to Club Penguin. Or at least I've played quite a bit of it over the past 4-5 days.

Enough to the point where I am really good at the Pizzatron 3000 game and earned all the achievements for that (so yay for the double coins I can get from that now), have a decently decorated "igloo" (quotations because I used the dojo theme that I got from the Ninja Hideout), grinded the 80 some odd wins (approximately) to get to black belt in Card-Jitsu, beat the Sensei to become a ninja, and grind through all of Card-Jistu: Fire to become a Fire Ninja in 2 days.

I will say that it is fun. Fun because of the nostalgia it brings back, of my childhood and my youth. Of learning how to play these mini-games for the first time ever, and now I play them with so much more ease since I have grown in my thinking abilities and strategy (for Card-Jitsu at least, I once played it without thinking much so that would probably explain why it took me so much longer to achieve Ninja and Fire Ninja).

Okay so maybe I didn't screenshot for the Fire Sandals nor the Lava Mask, but you get the idea.

It's been a fun few days, and it's given me some sort of schedule of sorts since I come home from work, relax a bit, have a snack, go play some Club Penguin, have dinner, etc. I don't know how much more I will play Club Penguin, but I will once my penguin is at least 30 days old so I can replay the secret agent missions. Also for whenever they add Card-Jistu: Water and Card-Jitsu: Snow so that I can finally achieve that 3 gem-filled amulet.

So, yeah, I totally just made a blog post talking about Club Penguin. Because why not? I should be able to have these light-hearted, goofy moments every now and then. Why does everything have to be serious or talking about deeper things in my life? It's got to occasionally have some surface and superficial things. Gotta keep you on your feet if you're a regular around here.

Trial by fire because, well, do I really need to explain? If I do, I think we need to have a talk.

Self-Love

I need to learn how to love myself before I can move on, I think.

For the longest time, I've been on the heavier side. By the BMI charts, I've pretty much always been "overweight", although never "obese". These days, I'm still "overweight", but I think some of it comes from some muscle bulk since I am stronger than ever before, and I kinda have some muscle definition. I mean, I did 100 push ups before I left for work today, 50 of them in one set, so clearly I have some strength. True I do have enough body fat to make me a little chunkier, but it is what it is, I guess.

Lately I stopped wearing whatever t-shirt I put on the night before underneath my work shirt, so that my t-shirt doesn't smell like subs and I can kinda separate myself from work a bit more instead of smelling it so often even at home. So when I came home and took off my work uniform, as I went upstairs to change into casual clothes, naturally I didn't have a shirt on. I took a look at myself in the mirror and one of the first thoughts was "wow I've got some body fat I could be losing". But then I had a moment of slight justification of "well it's okay, you can see some bulk from muscles so it's not terrible".

I think I need to get to a point where I just accept and love myself. Not to be a narcissist, but more of just not being hard on myself. That I don't need to have a body fat percentage at 10% to be happy. That I don't need to have a 6 pack (or an 8 pack lol) to be happy.

I don't say this as a fat acceptance sort of thing, but more of I need to just work on caring for myself more. That there are points in which I should not get to. To not just say everything is okay and stop working out (even if it's just push ups) and to not gain pounds on pounds. The idea is to try to stay healthy and active, but also not get upset if the scale won't budge and I still see myself as fat.

There are probably other areas in my life that I need to care about more as well. But I know that bodyweight and everything is a bigger (pun not intended but it works) thing for me because of how long I've been "plagued" by it.

So I think in this time I have to myself, learning to love myself more is something I need to work on as I also work on rediscovering who I am, and also remembering where I came from. To also remember who I am now, and who I can be.