Uncharted Waters

Like I kinda hinted at in the previous post, there will be posts that are more serious and not so light as talking about Club Penguin. This is also the first post I'm ever writing that I don't know what the title is going to be. I usually have an idea of what I want to talk about, and thus I would compose the title first before the post and somehow either reference the title or incorporate the theme or the meaning of the post to tie into the title. So we're out on uncharted waters now.

Well, without further ado, here we go:

As I'm almost certain I've mentioned, I hold on still to the one and only letter I have from S. The one given to me on a chilly night, December 8th, 2019. And my oh my did it warm my heart that night when I finally read it at my dorm after the night's activities had been done and everything had run its course. I mean it wasn't hard to melt me given everything, but only by the one person. By her. I think enough time has passed and now that things are gone, I'll finally disclose what the letter had said, word for word. Well, actually you can look at it yourself.

To be a girl's "dearest". To read the words "I love you" from a girl of interest. To read the words that had described a girl's feelings of how things have gone over a given time period. All of the things I hadn't ever expected to read any time soon. And now those are times of the past. Times I cannot go back to. Times I cannot relive. Times I know are just distant memories now.

Then there's also the matter of reading the words that was a would-be LU Crushes post about me. Words that would have potentially been posted on Wednesday, November 20th, 2019. Words withheld at first because of uncertainties on her end. Uncertain on how I would react. Of when I would see it. Uncertain if the time was right. Maybe it would have been better for it to never been shared, so as to save me the pain and the hurt of getting closer and then losing it all. And yet, I hold on to the words, copied and pasted from a text message in Facebook messenger and saved into Google Keep Notes where I have all sorts of other notes I needed to write. Because at the time the blog was not the place for that. And now, I will also disclose those words:

Such kind words. Words that had spoken to me deeper because it was the little things that had been remembered. Stuff like how I don't like the way my hands look because of my eczema. Pointing out things saying I had matured (and now proven my immaturity, but at that time it was a positive growth and not a setback). Complimenting my liking to dress up in my suit and tie, or even my attempt at a batsuit. Things like that. It just warms the heart to know that even the little things are remembered.

So the question now is: why do I still have records of these, or hold onto them? Why do I still keep the letter that was written for a time when feelings had been flowing and love was in the air, warming up the chilly winter season? Why do I still have the note having word for word the crush post about me?

Is it because they are inherently special to me? Even if those times and those feelings are gone? Because I had never before have a girl say she loves me? Because while I have had several LU Crushes posts about me (yay for being one of the reknowned "trolls"), that this one actually meant more to me given I would have figured out who the author is and given how meaningful I had found the post to have been because of how the wording is?

I know not why I still hold onto it all. I don't know what I should do. Do I delete the note in my app and do I shred or otherwise destroy the letter written for me? Will that be the best course of action so I can let go and move on? Or do I just leave it alone, keep them until the day I die or for forever as a reminder of what it feels like to be loved; as a nod to warmer feelings, of times before such a crazy year if for nothing else the pandemic alone?

I feel myself leaning towards the latter. To keep them. Because in this time of uncertainty and of the pandemic as I had never experienced before, I should hold on to what was good and what is good in my life. Everything is up in the air now. There's no guarantees anymore. No guarantee that I would even be working tomorrow. No guarantee on when the social distancing and effective state shut down will end. No end in sight to the craziness and return to normal, where I don't have to wear masks to go into any shop or location. Where I don't have to worry about being 6 feet apart from everyone else, etc.

So there it is, folks. The final words of love and of times before 2020 that I have left of Sophia. And yeah, I wrote her name because it says it in those screenshots. I guess there's no more a need for anonymity if those times are gone and are lost to the ages.

I guess I still need to just move on. I mean I should have been moving on regardless given I wouldn't easily return to LU for visits and everything. And now especially none of my friends are there now because of the crisis or pandemic whatever the proper term is. It's a long road of journeying, of healing. It's going to be a long while before I think I would be at a good place again. And maybe I should be taking this social distancing time to reset. To heal myself for the future. To not forever be hung up on one girl.

It's going to be hard.

It's uncharted waters I head in to. And maybe that is going to be the title.

I don't know if I have the strength, all this talk about being stronger than ever, and here I am, weaker than a child.

"I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it" -Kylo Ren