As I had briefly mentioned in the last post, it's been, well, a week since ties were cut off of a past friendship. That I suppose we're still working towards the 1 week mark since receiving an apology for the words that pushed me away this time.
Here's where I'm at with everything: I currently feel a bit unsure of if I want to accept the apology. Now I know that that might not seem fair, but hear me out: it's a bit fresh right now for me. I know I've done the same when the whole ordeal 2 months ago happened and I pushed people away, one of them being the other party in this "incident" too. So from one way you could view it as karma: I pushed her away and then came back with an apology, and now she pushed me away and came back with an apology.
Looking back at it, and I know not everything for everyone is always going to be the same, but it would appear that I had gone about a week before I decided I wanted to reach out again and try reconnecting. February 4th, everything hit the fan, and then February 11th I had begun the mending process. Sure it wasn't exactly an apology on that day but close enough. It would be a couple days later that I would call and apologize to her. Anyways, that's beside the point. Part of me wonders why she was so quick to apologize. I mean maybe this was slightly different in that the pushing away was different. I pushed away because I couldn't maturely handle the emotions and thoughts going through my mind at that moment. She pushed me away in an attempt to get me to heal and move on. But then why apologize if I need to move on anyways? Because that ultimately hurt me more?
Maybe I'm just too sensitive and act tough when the reality is that I just fall apart when someone knows how to get to me or says something that just sneaks its way in very quickly. Maybe I created this workaround myself and only now is it presenting itself as a problem.
Whatever the case is that led the apology, I guess all that's left is waiting and figuring out to see what I want to do. I should probably show grace just as grace had been shown to me when I had apologized. A discussion for another time, there's other things I want to talk about in this post.
Some of the other emotions I had felt were anger, as you could probably infer from some of the posts. I had felt denial and tried to believe that this pain of losing friends wasn't happening again. I had felt sadness because I still feel an emptiness inside of me because of how close I had gotten with her and now it's gone. And look, even though I finally disclosed her name the other day (see "Uncharted Waters"), I can't even bring myself to write her name out now. I don't know why, I'm just strange, I guess.
I had felt a bit of sadness while we were watching Doctor Strange. At one point, after Christine Palmer meets Stephen in the wash room after trying to save the Ancient One, they have a mildly tender moment, as they had once been in love with each other. They held hands and just were standing with each other. As Stephen prepares to go back into the mystic world to protect Earth from Dormammu, Christine closes in for a kiss on his cheek. Almost like an expression of love of a past life.
Now the only reason I had felt sad was because somehow my mind had brought me to December 10th, 2019. The day I left Liberty for the last time during the fall semester. The last time I saw her. The last time I got to hug her. For just a moment I had wished I had decided to just kiss her goodbye, even on the cheek, since I know she doesn't want to kiss any guy until she feels like he's the one so to speak, since kissing is a pretty intimate step in a relationship. I mean I had wanted to kiss her anyways, but knowing how she felt I had to restrain myself. She knew I wanted to as well.
But now it's all gone. Now it's all the past. Anything I had once wished I could do with her is gone. No turning back, no rewinding the clock, nothing of the sort.
I guess I still need more time to heal if things like relationships portrayed in movies make me reminisce over the closest thing I had to a relationship. I don't even know what to do, how to heal, or anything of the sort.
This past week has been ups and downs, lefts and rights, corkscrews and loops, accelerations and brakings, just anything you could imagine a rollercoaster could be like.
Part of me wants to reach out. But I know if I do, I'll be caught in an endless, vicious cycle of taking time away, talking again, getting sad and feeling apologetic, push away, and it will repeat over and over and over again until she cuts off ties completely. Then I would have a permanent void and nothing to fill it with. So I need to stay away for now. If I ever feel like I healed and gotten better, then maybe I will reach out. But I cannot be talking to her if I am not healed of these pains. She has a point and she needn't have apologized to me. I'm just too sensitive and can't take the same heat I dish out.
Here's to however many days or weeks or whatever unit of time until I heal. Debatable if this social distancing stuff will end before I heal.
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