I just feel pain when I think of all that has happened between me and people I had once called friend. I feel a poison in my veins as I hold grudges over the last exchanges of messages I have had with some people. It stirs within me an anger that I know I cannot let get the better of me, lest I become doomed to repeat the same actions that led me to this situation that I am in now.
First and foremost, I need to forgive myself. I keep blaming myself for 100% of everything that has gone wrong for me this year. And maybe I did have a large part in some of the things. But others they were just out of my control. I need to just learn from my mistakes and move on. I need to stop beating myself up about it. I don't mean to say I will just forget the things that I have done or act like I was right the whole time, but I need to just accept what has passed, learn from the points that I need to learn from, and move on towards a new and better life. If I stay in the past, stuck on the few moments of downfall, of destruction, I will be nothing but an empty shell of what I could have been. I won't develop as I need to develop, and I will never realize my full potential. There is more for me to become, and I need to just accept the things I cannot change, and be ready to change the things I can.
Secondly, I need to forgive Sophia. I know that in reality, she probably hasn't really done anything wrong to me, and in fact I was the one who wronged her. But nonetheless, I feel like that maybe she feels at least partially bad about how the wording came across to me when she just wanted what was best for me. She wanted me to heal and for me to move on to the next thing in my life. It never was about her ditching me, even as a friend. It was her trying to be a good friend and help me truly get back on my feet, to march on towards whatever was the next phase of life for me. I took her final text to me probably way too close than was intended. She didn't want to push me away entirely, she just wanted to create enough space for me to finally heal, and then when that happens, maybe try the whole friendship thing. But I took it as an extreme; I took it as her pushing me away just "seemingly out of nowhere", or at least that's how I had perceived it in the moment. So I feel like I should, at some point, accept her apology and forgive her. Whether or not we will be friends after is another thing that can be worked on if she wants, but I know that at the very least I should accept her apology when I feel like I am ready.
Thirdly, I have thought about this for awhile, but I don't know if I can bring myself to forgiveness for him, at least not anytime soon. But the thought has crossed my mind.
I don't know if it is wise or fair of me to repost these images to this blog as I had it once on here and then I deleted it. But these are the last exchanges I had with Daniel Lee Walker.
I am reposting it because these are the words that cross my mind whenever I even think for a moment of forgiving him. And I know it should not be my place to cast judgment or to act as someone better than he is, because in reality I'm probably a pretty bad guy myself. I know that in the moments leading up to these messages I had pushed him away, and upset him when I decided to leave the Liberty Batfamily, which ultimately brought about its dissolution. I know that I had used strong words, charged with anger and just clearly upset (I don't know the word that would describe that). I know I had blocked him which maybe stung him a bit.
Part of me feels bad for doing that, but another part of me, albeit a darker part of me, just reminds myself that since I have had a record of blocking people who I don't like, he would make jokes of saying, "I'm surprised you never blocked me". I had thought about blocking him a couple of times, when he made a joke that I probably took too close to home, but I had decided against it. A couple of months ago was my breaking point because I had been clouded in an emotionally distressed state. And when push came to shove, when I finally actually blocked him, even despite all of the jokes he has made about me not blocking him, he was upset and distraught over it.
Anyways, whatever is done is done. Whatever has been said is said. There is no going back and changing things after all of this. I cannot undo the things I've done, nor can he undo the things he's done. Which is why it brings me to the occasional thought of forgiving him. That even though these words are a pain to me, like a thorn in my side that is so deep I cannot take it out, I feel like he deserves forgiveness. Because like I said, it is not my place to be the judge, nor the jury, nor the executioner.
It's a hard decision for me because I sometimes hold grudges. I mean everyone does right? I don't say that to justify myself, but it is something that people do, right? But I don't want to hold grudges. I hold enough as it is. I already have grudged against those who wronged me throughout middle school and high school, of which I have no means of contacting them to make things right or to even tell them how I feel now. I cannot find means to forgive them, and now I'm stuck with these sour memories as the last thing I think about. I hold grudges against one of my past roommates and while I feel like that one is a bit more justified, I still had my moments of being in the wrong. Whatever the case is, I don't want to hold on to any new grudges. I want to let go. And I think that means I have to forgive Dan for the words he said to me last.
So that's it then. There are 3 people I know I have to forgive. I can work on 2 of them easily, but the 3rd will take time and a whole lot of thought. I don't know how I can bring myself to forgive the third, but if I can, I think I will. I don't need anymore negativity, I don't want anymore negativity, and I need to be better. If for no one else, I need to be better for myself.
Forgiveness can work wonders, it's just hard to get to that point because human nature would say that those who need forgiveness deserve the "punishment" or the "consequences" that they have now. But that's not true. I don't have to let that be true.
So as I heal, I will take time to figure out what I am going to do about all of this. Where I will go, how I will operate, and what will be done. It's a long journey ahead of me, but it is a necessary and character developing journey. It's all up to me what paths I will take and how I will proceed, as well as what I want to live with.
What am I waiting for? The journey is not going to complete itself.
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