The Plan

I was talking with my best friend, who I graduated high school with, last night and I was asking him if whenever I fully heal if I should respond to the apology that was sent to me by Sophia. I know it's a bit early to be asking such a question, but it is still valid and something to start considering in the event I want to respond to it.

Here's the breakdown:

As of right now, my friend tells me to not worry about responding to it unless it would make me feel better about myself, but that is if and only if I can achieve full healing first and if this is still on my mind by then. That the longer I wait to respond, the more it just seems kind of empty and not as necessary. So basically it just is my call to whether or not I want to respond and see if Sophia actually wants a friendship with me or not.

From a certain point of view, some would say that I don't owe her anything. That I need not worry about repairing those bridges because of the pain that it had caused me in all of the burning, whether it was my fault (the first time) or hers (the second time, about 9 days ago). And maybe it's unfair of me to say it was her fault and that she truly burned the bridge given the fact that I read the apology message and can partially gather some semblance of her intention (oh yeah and yesterday I did finally "read" the message in my Instagram dm's, so now it will say I've opened and read the message).

From another point of view, some might say I should at least show her the same graces and mercies she has shown me by allowing me back into her life for that little bit of time in between the Fallout of February and this incident. That she forgave me and allowed me to apologize for my mistakes, my faults, and my trespasses against her. So if for nothing more than being fair, that I should return the favor. Not to say that everyone should keep score of every little thing that happens, because if you live your life like that, then you'll be living a life of always trying to one up other people and trying to get them to owe you something, and that's no way to live. It's a schemer's lifestyle, and typically gets frowned upon when people realize what you're doing. It's not a matter of it, but more of when. For me, I just want to try to be as fair as possible and realize that sometimes when people do something, I should at least try to do something for them, not so much to settle the score, but just to be a good human and do good things for them as they have for me. It's always a two-way street. Just be careful with that thinking process, I suppose.

So that brings me to the title: "The Plan"

My plan of action from here on out is to see how I feel every 7 days (so every week) that passes from the incident. For example, since the damage was dealt on Sunday, April 12th, 2020 and the apology was sent 1:17 a.m. Monday, April, 13th, 2020, every 7 days from the 13th, I will gauge where I am at. On the Sundays before each Monday (because that's how the calendar works) I can allow myself just a moment or two to think about it all, should it come into my mind, but I won't think about it much.

Not to say that a week is magical or some healing properties, but more of that it gives me a guideline. That I shouldn't be thinking about it on the daily (even though I partially do), and if I do then to just have a set time in which I can choose to act or not to act.

As of right now, I don't know if I will choose to finally respond to the apology, but if I do there is a set of criteria that has to be met:

1. First off, I need to be fully healed. And if you're asking how will I gauge that it is as follows:
1. I need to feel fully confident with myself
2. I need to feel happy with myself
3. I need to feel like I can be at peace with everything that has happened, whether on my part, on her part, or just everything in between
2. I need to somehow gauge if my presence would even be accepted or wanted
1. I haven't exactly figured out a plan for this since it's probably too soon to be thinking about it, but I'm thinking I'll contact people I know and see if they can help, or maybe I'll just find some means of passively expressing something that would test the waters

I suppose in time I will develop criteria #2, but that's not as important as I have to work on myself. I still have a lot of healing to do, but I feel like I'm on the right path. I'm working out again, I feel pretty good at work, and I have what I need to relax and enjoy life at home, even given the social distancing and coronavirus stuff going around.

I guess if you're this far down on the post, maybe stay tuned for updates if there are any updates on this.