I woke up and didn't leave my room until "lunch" and was just playing Skyrim, checking social media, watching YouTube, just chilling after sleeping in since it's the weekend. While just sitting at my desk, I oddly had a moment of hating myself. If you didn't know, I have been struggling a bit with my weight, and it's just sometimes hard trying to wait out the progress as well as keep pressing on to work out and hopefully get the ideal body type I have in mind. So I was hating the fat around my midsection, and sitting down just makes it all look bigger and more unsightly, at least to me.
I know in reality that I am not super fat, and it's not really worth all the worry and anxiety or whatever emotion it would be to focus so hard on a semi-unrealistic physique, at least without strict working out and strict dieting to stay within very small margins of error to achieve.
Then that moment of darkness led to quicker irritability and that was odd. I try to keep my temper on a level state, but I was quick to irritate today, at least during those first few hours I was awake today. To add on to that, given my trek towards healing that I am working on, I had a moment of just not even worrying about anything and just to cut out all people in the past who I've now lost connection to since I effectively removed myself from Liberty.
And if you couldn't figure what I mean specifically by that, I mean I was not going to do anything to mend whatever is left between Sophia and I. I don't know if a friendship still exists, I don't know if it ever could exist, but whatever the case is, my dark moments almost made me just start committing to completely ignoring her apology and to never respond and never communicate with her again.
To my surprise, a friend I am not super close with but surprise surprise I once had a crush on, responded to my Instagram story just sharing a memory from a year ago today. That was when my hall had gone and played some kickball with her and her dorm. It was a super fun time and it's just a fond memory I have of the community I got to be a part of. She responds just asking how I'm doing, and it was nice because from what I do know of her is that she is intentional with everyone and is very kind. Her message brought me back to my senses and made me realize the darkness was unnecessary and not something that is naturally a part of me. Well, maybe there is a level of darkness that is part of me, but the thoughts I had was not the same.
All in all, it makes me think, maybe there really is a God out there and that even though I had forsaken Him in the past week, He hasn't forsaken me. That He knows who to use to reach out to me, even in times of darkness and times of isolation. It just warmed the heart. I guess I just gotta have more faith and press on.
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