A Yearn With No End

I wrote up a draft blog post last night. It's pretty much finished, and I gave myself all day today to just clear my head and focus on anything and everything else. Once I got home from work, I re-read my post, and I think I'm going to leave it as is.

Why have I held back on posting it? Because I don't know when I should post it, or if I even should at all. What is the post about that I can't post it now? I mean, maybe you got a point since I've never held back before and I have never been afraid to just write out my thoughts in their entirety and slap it on the blog. But this one, I just don't know. It's nothing bad, no self-harm or dark thoughts in it. It's more of just me trying to figure how I can go and bring myself to something thag I don't even know if the results will be what I hope they will be, and if it will have the effect I'm looking for.

What I mean is that I don't know if the post will break the ice enough or express a genuine message enough to first accomplish its main task for existing. Then I don't know what will happen if/when that occurs and if that will give me a sense of relief, a sense of comfort, a sense of coming to peace with everything, or maybe none of that will arrive.

I guess it's a fear of rejection when you boil it all down. And this time not so much just rejection for the feelings like I have experienced many a times, but just a rejection as a whole. It never feels good to be told no, especially when the heart, the mind, and the soul wants something. I just want to be able to come to terms and make my peace, and then I can move on from there. But I fear that in my attempts to reach that level of peace that I may be denied and that I might be brought to a deeper and darker place because it just might tear me down, whatever progress no matter how big or how small has been made.

I fear that if I take another hit when I try to offer an attempt to turn over a new leaf, even if there is nothing more after the turning, that I will just be burned at the stake and suffer. Maybe it's what I deserve given the way I have even set up circumstances to be this way. Maybe I don't deserve the solace of peace, the respite of owning up to my faults and finding forgiveness.

I don't know, but I guess I should just try it anyways. For one of two, it has been coming up on 3 months since the last contact has been made. For the other, it has only been 2.5 weeks, maybe even just short of that. I know that not every timeline is the same and that not everyone operates within certain nor set timeframes, but has enough time passed that there could be a chance to salvage something, even if it's just a true final contact and a farewell forever?

Is that even something I am ready to take if it comes down to it? Say that hypothetically the drafted post works as I hope it to. But then nothing more happens after I make my peace. Is that something I am ready to absorb? I know I don't deserve anything more, and I might not even deserve for the post to do its job as I intended, but am I ready for that?

Or is everything too soon still and that this is definitely not the right time just yet? But if that's the case, then I have to raise the question of: when is the right time? Time is not my friend, not even my ally. I am not guaranteed tomorrow, and neither is anyone I intend to direct the draft post to. Sure, statistically we all should have a tomorrow, but who knows? It's a crazy world and everything is so uncertain right now. It sometimes almost feels like this is the world's end. And if that's the case, then why am I waiting and delaying this process anymore? If time is something I am fearing, I should just get right on with what I want to try doing and just face whatever consequences of the actions I take, whether glorious or tragic. Thanks, Assassin's Creed, for that part of insight in regards to "nothing is true, everything is permitted".

It's a war in and of myself and my mind and my fears. Who will win and what will I do? I suppose I shall just reach out to contacts I have support from and hope that they have something that can encourage me one way or another.

For now, this is all I will say, but if you have been here awhile and know how I phrase things and can piece things together from my assumed vague writing (although it probably isn't too vague if you try hard enough), then you shall discover the truth of everything.

Updates to follow, if updates happen.