I feel like a fact that I have to come to terms with is that part of healing is that it won't remove the memories, or at least it won't completely remove any pains of remembrance or reminsicing.
I feel like that even after these past few months, I still feel a tinge of sadness when I think about some of the things I got to experience with Sophia. I hear things, see things, and my mind makes the connection.
Today at work, two customers came in and while they were waiting for me to finish wrapping up their subs, I noticed they kinda pushed into each other, like a playful shove. So it was likely this was not a brother/sister relationship, unless on the off chance they were really close siblings. My money's on them being a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of deal.
The thing is is that while witnessing it, it made me think of how I would playfully nudge Sophia and the like. And if not even just solely about her, just a mild yearning for wanting someone special to just be able to play around like that. Yet all I can do is just bide my time and try to find a pathway to healing and a pathway to restoration.
No matter how many days I feel good, or feel confident, or even if/when the day comes when I feel like I am fully confident and content with myself and even at peace with the way things are, I don't think I will ever shake the feelings of missing those times I had. At least not any time soon.
I don't know if I should count these moments as setbacks in my healing process if I think about the moments and memories I had with Sophia. I don't know what to do or where to go. I sometimes wonder if I should even just move on entirely, in the sense that whenever I feel like I have healed to just not even try to rebuild a friendship with her. I sometimes find myself just wanting to not worry about being friends with her again. Sometimes I just wish she never were in my life. But that's not fair. Neither to me nor especially to her.
And just as I have made parallels between Bruce Wayne and myself, maybe Sophia is my "Rachel". Someone who I came to love, but circumstances have made it impossible to be together. That all I can do is be friends and just have to be okay with that and just move on with my life. That even if that is the case, I can make it through and things really will work out for me in time, just as Bruce finally got his rest with Selina Kyle. I guess that if Sophia really is like Rachel for me, that I don't get hung up over her and try to win her back or try hard to just impress her all the time.
So what do I do? I know healing and moving on is what I need to do. As for what do I do about anything regarding Sophia? I guess I'll just stay calm and if God would allow me to just return, to trust that He would work things out in time. I guess I just need to learn how to fully submit myself and let everything be in God's hands.
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