I don't know, things just seem so off. I know some people would say something like, "sometimes God challenges you so you can grow", or whatever other sentence or phrase they could say to try to tell me to not lose faith and not lose hope now. That this is all a test.
But I can't see it that way. I can't find anything to give me hope in this. I tried the whole trust thing and it didn't work. I trusted God when things got out and Sophia learned I had crushed on her just a few weeks after I had officially met her. I trusted that things would work out in the right timing. And it worked. I got some of the best moments ever. I was the happiest I had ever been. I had felt the most loved I have ever felt in my entire life. I know my family has always loved me through everything, but to feel a love from a girl outside of the family was amazing. To hug her and feel that electrifyingly good feeling. To cuddle with her and just snuggle up by her side made me feel so good and feel so happy.
Then while I know that it is my fault for losing the privilege of attending Liberty, but I had lost more this year than I could ever see that I have gained. And I know you could say, "Geoff, your own actions and words led to the downfall of your favorite friend group ever". And yeah, you'd be right. But I lost them and what kind of God gives me such an amazing friend group and not give me the wisdom to slow down when things got heated. And to quote the prequel memes, I quite literally became the very thing I swore to destroy.
I was told in those moments right before the downfall that I was the destroyer of friend groups. While I didn't technically be the destroyer of the last friend group since everyone had their own problems and it was only a matter of time, I didn't exactly help to try to keep them together. And in my anger of being blamed for destroying that last group, I blindly took action and destroyed the group and this time it was my fault.
So tell me: what kind of God who is all powerful and all good lets this happen? Why does this God allow for me to create bonds and friendships with people for 1 semester and then lose them all. As I pointed out in my post talking about the last messages of love from Sophia, she says I had grown in maturity. Then what happened here?
I feel so much was lost and what could ever be the gain in this all? That I got a job? But okay sure I didn't need this so soon. I would much rather have someone I loved rather than have the ability to make money. I mean I had even considered taking up a part time job during the semester, so there's that. They always say God gives and takes away. So sure, if I believe that, then what have I been given? They always say God has something greater when he takes things away.
So God took away my greatest friend group, took away the only person I had the privilege to love deeply and really learn what love is, and my ability to practice an art I had come to love as well (of which I don't really care about anymore). And what have I gained? A job? But that's it. My hours are being cut down because of the coronavirus. And speaking of which, whether or not I returned to Liberty, I'd still end up at home at this time of year because my return to school wouldn't have stopped the virus.
Then not only that, I've lost the friends I had begun to make amends with. I was pushed away and now I know the extent of the damages when I did the same a couple of months ago. The anger I feel within myself because of all the negativity just eats away at my soul. I can't find any faith or hope left in me.
My faith is slipping through my fingers like soup through a fork. Escaping me like a thought escapes someone with Alzheimer's. Leaving me like a balloon set loose.
What kind of God allows this to happen?
What kind of God takes and takes and takes and doesn't give me something to look forward to?
What kind of test is this supposed to be that I should just wait it out?
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