But then there are things and even moments that keep reminding me that no matter what I do, I can never truly walk away.
Maybe it's out of habit but whenever we sit down as a family to pray, I close my eyes and bow my head. For a couple of days during my initial declaration to walk away, I just would fake the gestures and in reality just keep my eyes open and not pay attention the words being prayed.
But these past couple of nights I've been actually returning to closing my eyes and paying some level of attention to the words being said. And I know that that doesn't make or break my faith, but it just seems like it's ingrained into me and that it's just the lifestyle I live and am so used to that I do it without even thinking.
Also, a few nights ago, I was just lying in bed just about to fall asleep. And for the most part I don't typically get songs stuck in my head, unless I just listened to one somehow. For example, if I watch or think about TikToks, I can probably get some "TikTok song" stuck in my head. But that night I didn't have anything in my head, even after my nightly routine of lying in bed and watching some TikToks before I fall asleep.
Then out of seemingly nowhere, the song "The God Who Stays" by Matthew West started in my head. It was almost as if I was being spoken to. I know that in my days when my faith had been stronger, I would think over song lyrics and realize that sometimes I would have been spoken to through various Christian music.
In particular, the lyrics of, "You're the God who stays, You're the God who stays. You're the One who runs in my direction, when the whole world walks away. You're God who stands, with wide open arms. And You tell me nothing I have ever done can separate my heart, from the God who stays". Almost as if my renouncement and attempt to walk away didn't work and never would really pull me away from God.
Or I also listen to for KING & COUNTRY's music still in the shower, and while they aren't all worship songs, they relate to God somehow. Why would I listen to these kinds of songs if this is a faith I want to walk away from? That this is all something I don't want to associate with. Even if I don't directly interact with the songs, they are interacting with my subconscious as I remember and go through the lyrics in my head every night.
My point being that I find things throughout my day and my life that is drawing me back to where I thought I could turn away from. I don't know what I will do, whether or not I will try to fight it or will I just submit and return and see what happens and where it takes me. If I learned anything there wouldn't be any point to fighting it as I never had control to begin with, and that whatever is meant to happen will happen. That even this year is going according to plan, even if the world doesn't think so. That everything will work out.
So I guess I'll return to my faith, but then I have a lot of repentance to do and a lot of submission to commit to.
And here I thought I could run away.
I am just the prodigal son who turned to the world and realized that the world can't ever offer anything permanent that can satisfy me forever. There's only one place and one source that can fulfill me.
No comments:
Post a Comment