It Makes Me Wonder

I've recently gotten back into working out. Well, perhaps I shouldn't toot my own horn just yet because this is only day 2 in a row, and I only did 2 days last week, with 4 empty days in between the last exercise and yesterday. So I guess the right wording is more of, I'm getting back into working out.

Anyways, today I went for a 3 mile jog on the treadmill to rebuild endurance and work on my cardio fitness score that's tracked by my Fitbit. And while running at a comfortable (sorta because I'm slightly out of condition/shape since I skipped for the greater part of the last 6 months) 6 miles per hour, I was listening through for KING & COUNTRY's album "Burn The Ships".

Towards the end of the treadmill session, I reached the song titled "Hold Her". And it's been quite a long time since I've listened to that song. The last time was when I last drove back home from Liberty, in that 7 hour drive, on December 10th, 2019. And I associated that song with Sophia since the original plan was for me to drive her to the Roanoke Airport early that morning, but then last minute we realized her flight was on the 11th, and she kept telling me to not worry and just go home (in hindsight, I should've been stubborn and just wait until the 11th to go home so I could drive her).

Moving on, I thought of her because I had left her at Liberty and I wanted her to feel better because of how uneasy the situation had been at the time. So as the lyrics go, "hold her tonight, 'cause I'm not there to stay close, keep watch, tell her she's not alone", I was in a ways trying to ask God to do that. I just wanted her to feel at peace.

So now with the memory link of Sophia to this song, I was thinking back on that December day as I finished my exercise for the day. And then I wondered upon another portion of the lyrics, "my love for her is more than she can know". As I stated in yesterday's post, a part of me still does love Sophia. And thus, it makes me wonder. In CinemaSins voice, "roll credits!" *ding*

I wonder if that love is partly because I just want what's best for her. And I guess another part is just me still working on moving on. But as I can clearly see that I can no longer be the guy for her and I can't be whatever she needed me to be, I just hope that whatever happens, wherever she goes, whoever she meets, that he's the right guy for her. I wonder if my love for her is now a semi-protective love for her. I know I cannot love her romantically as I once had (okay that sounds weird, but you know what I mean, right?) but I still just want her to have the best. I thought I could be the best, but I proved that I am not. Is there anything wrong with this?

Is it bad for me to keep this sort of thinking in this time as I try to heal and move on? Should I stamp out this thought process and just move on entirely? I don't know. Hence why I wonder about it. I guess what I might do is hold on to this for a little bit, but I'll be prepared to drop it if it proves to disallow further healing of myself.