Actions Without Thinking

I don't really know if I am doing this the right way or not, and it's got me anxious a bit, but at the same time, it's something that I can't do anything about except wait and hope that it wasn't the worst thing to have done.

I do a lot of things without thinking and that's what really messes me up some times. It's how I burned bridges and cast out former best friends. It's how I got into a literal fight in middle school. It's how I say stupid things that potentially get me in trouble. Well I mean I say stupid things anyways. Want an example? No? Too bad, you're getting one.

So there's the meme of just replying to any mention of "69" with "nice". I don't honestly know the root of why it started. I have an idea but nothing certain. Anyways, I've gotten too used to the quick response that when the news was reporting 69 deaths in Connecticut from the coronavirus, I instantly reply with "nice" and then I realize what I just said was supposedly "nice". Now I know this was done in my home (and is now on the internet) but wow that was something I acted on before thinking and in any other public setting, I might have gotten myself into trouble.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. I might've dropped something into the outgoing mail dropbox at the local post office. And while it technically doesn't have a return address so you can't technically trace it back to me, there's a couple of things that could make this a potentially unwise decision, especially if I am to heal and just move on. There might have been a necklace that was originally supposed to be a Valentine's Day gift, from before the fallout and back when there was the plan to surprise visit someone at LU for Valentine's Day. The "letter" inside might just say something along the lines of "even in times of uncertainty and confusion, you deserve to sparkle".

Okay okay, so even if all of this is true (really, dude? Really?), one issue is that first of all the stamp design traces it back to me. It was Mexican food cartoon pictures, and there were two letters of the same theme sent to the same person. I mean, hypothetically, of course. And even if that seems like a longshot, how about tracing handwriting, matching both the letter and the envelope's address to past letters. Well, I guess this is all assuming that those letters are still held on to. Finally, the nail in the coffin, who else knows the intended recipient's address, and would be sending something to her anyways? At least the way that it was sent.

Shoot, now that I keep writing about it, I feel like this was a mistake, but one I cannot take back. After all was said and done, I even had quick thoughts that I hoped I kind of directed to God's direction of, "was this a wise thing to do? Was this the right thing to do?"

I guess all that I can do now is lay low, and see what happens over the next 2 to 3 business days or so.

Gosh, why am I like this? Why do I act on things, then start having thoughts of regret sometime afterwards?

I guess another note to make on this though, is that even over the past week or two, maybe longer, I had ideas of sending the necklace sooner. Well, the hypothetical necklace anyways. I don't know why I finally acted upon it. I kinda offered it up real quick in prayer last night, and then suddenly, I just acted upon it (obviously, that's why I'm here).

Obligatory prequel meme, because why not?

I guess all I can do is just pray about it and just calm down and own up to it if anyone says anything. Because there's no hiding this from anyone, at least in the parties involved.

Dreams: What Could They Mean?

Sometimes dreams have meaning. Sometimes they don't. Other times it could be God trying to convey a message to the dreamer as He has done in the Bible. It's hard to say when a dream is a message from God, and when a dream is just your mind processing all that has happened in that day, or it could very much be just some mumbo jumbo of whatever your mind wanted to piece together for that night.

I'm not entirely sure which way I want to lean on this one, but I typically don't remember my dreams, and when I do and when I start considering the question of what does that dream mean, then I wonder if there was a truth that I am being told or something that I am supposed to do. To clarify, I wonder if when I remember my dreams and ponder the meaning if that was something I was supposed to remember.

I don't exactly remember how the dream started, but then again I don't think many people remember how a dream starts, it's just all the sudden you're in the middle of it all and then sometimes you remember it. Anyways, this dream, I suppose I was at Liberty again, or at least somehow I was able to order food from their new-ish burger place for the student dining (Hey Cow for any Liberty students reading this). But oddly enough, when I was ordering food, I ordered a #9 club supreme from Jersey Mike's and then it still came out like a burger? An unnecessary detail, but a detail I apparently remember.

As I used to do, I would order my food and then I would go sit down with friends. As suspected, probably because of how my mind is still processing everything, I was going to go sit down with S. Well I also was going to sit with another friend, who I'll call K, another friend who was a part of the Liberty Batfamily. Somehow, a former friend and unsure of where I stand with it all given the exchange of words and everything and of whom I'll call D, sat down with S and K. By the time my "food was ready", D had left. And being the memer that I am, I apparently walked up to the table where S and K were and I greeted them with a classic prequel memes saying of, "hello there". At this point, D was just about earshot range, grabbing his all too familiar electric longboard and brown jacket.

For whatever reason, S (in the dream) said almost with concern, "dude, he's still around here!" I suppose that was because D also knows prequel memes and knows I would actually say "hello there" as a classic greeting. Maybe because my mind is unsure of where I want to be in terms of that relationship? Because I am unsure of how much I want to associate with him after the threats he made. Sure he was justified in some of his anger because I was just as immature, but those words are stuck to me almost as if someone took gorilla glue and stuck it to my mind, then burned it into my memory to never be forgotten. So I guess in the dream, the fear that S displayed was my mind thinking that by using the "hello there" greeting, I would lure D back to us and then there would be potential conflict.

The next thing S said in the dream was, "you know he was here just a moment ago, so you should've gotten here sooner so you could talk to him". That sounds more like something she would actually say. Because she has always been the kind of friend who speaks with logic and reason when everyone else is steamed up from emotion or whatever. She has reasoned with me before and she knows how to speak in a way that makes me realize the error I am in and cool off to think reasonably.

I felt like describing that trait a bit more just so you can get a better idea. When I was at school and we had our friend group and everything, I had been the one to organize get togethers on a pretty much weekly basis. There was one point where S and D were joking around (apparently but I never realized) and they never answered any of the questions I was asking. For whatever reason I blew up and then decided to mute the group chat. S and D eventually tried sending me messages on their own and I ignored them. Later that night, S tried calling my phone, twice, to which I let it go to voicemail because I didn't feel like picking up. She and I eventually talked (well texted technically), and then we got everything settled down and back in order. So she managed to meet me where I was at and then bring me back to logic and reason. She's been such an amazing friend, so I just hope that the friendship continues.

Back to the dream. So after she said that I should've arrived sooner to talk to D, in my dream I replied with, "I know. I was planning to talk to him, but I didn't know what to say." So it gets me wondering, is this something I should be considering? Should I be considering to reach out and attempt to make amends? I'm honestly not even that sure of what I should do. Do I actually want this? Or even if I don't, is God saying I should fix the damages, or at least try to? This is why I decided to dedicate a whole post to it.

I guess what it all boils down to is the following: what is it that I want to achieve? What do I think is the right thing to do, no matter my own personal interest in the subject?

And most importantly, I need to pray about it. I don't mean to say I'll disregard it if it truly is God's message to me. But I have a feeling if it is truly important to God, then He will send me the message once again. I will also consult various people, ideally people with a third party view on it and unbiased and unprejudiced. Unknowing of everything and able to make a fair and equal judgment/decision.

If you are reading this and are a friend who is interested in giving me your two cents so to speak, feel free to send me a message. I want to try my best to be open minded and think of what everything is, with a level head. No more crazed emotions. No more emotionally charged, inmature decisions. Well, I know I'll probably fail at that too, but I gotta at least try.

Perspective

It's a funny thing, perspective. It changes everything and all it depends on is how you choose to view things. You could view it negatively and then see everything as the world being against you; that nothing is going as you planned and that nothing is in control. Or you can view it positively and see the world just ever so changing as it would being a fallen world; that even if everything isn't going according to plan, that you are making the most of everything and are finding new opportunities to make things better.

Perspective is how we can choose to view things like the coronavirus. We can view it as crippling and destructive. That it's sole purpose is to bring an end to humanity. Or we can view it as best as possible and take the time to see where we are lacking in our lives that need work. What I mean is that at least for myself, I have found that during this confusing time period of shortening or removing work hours, to removing any social activity, is that I have been given a chance to slow down. That I had a pretty full plate as it were, albeit not as full as other people. That my day in day out all started with work, then a bit of downtime, immediately playing into an hour or two at aikido, followed by a family dinner, and then by then I needed to shower and soon go to bed to repeat the cycle. And even for myself, that's not even busy in comparison to some people I know.

With this shortening of my work schedule (of which is about to start back up in a lighter load than before, starting tomorrow) and removing aikido from my life for the past couple of weeks, I had a chance to realize there are areas in my life that needed work. That there was healing that needed to be done, or at least started. That I needed to retrace my way to at the very least praying regularly to my Lord. That I had gotten so lost in viewing the entire year as nothing but negatives and I had not taken a moment to be thankful for all the positives. Sure there were moments when my world was changed dramatically, but the way I view it was up to me. I had been viewing it as negative for so long that I need to take a step back and remember that I still have a lot of things I take for granted, that above all else I still have my God fighting for me and on my side. That He's never left me and never forsaken me.

There's still a lot of soul searching that I need to do. There's a lot of purification of my heart, my mind, and my soul that I need to work on. There's plenty of room for me to grow and for me to mature. All of it I can achieve, but only if I am in the right mindset. Sure the circumstances of the year are plenty for me to see it as nothing but detrimental. Sure I can see it as nothing but lost. But what I can do and what I should do is see it as new opportunities. That there were lessons I had learned in the process of the discovering these negatives and these downsides to various things. That I can learn from my own mistakes and put out a better effort.

So I challenge you, the reader, to take just a moment and think about all that troubles you. Think of what you see as nothing but negative and take a step back and think, "is it truly as negative as I see it to be, or am I not in the right mindset to being optimistic?" I know that that question can be hard to answer. I know it is something that can be hard to do. Look at me for example: it took me nearly 3 full months of seeing 2020 as the worst year of my life to realize that maybe while there were downsides to it, that I have been subconsciously looking for the negatives so that I had something to blame. Something to be the cause of all these issues. But if I change my mindset and try my best to be more optimistic, then I can see that while 2020 wasn't the best year, there were plenty of learning opportunities and plenty of spaces for me to grow and develop. That some things that may seem to be as God unjustly taking something that I had already counted as mine could quite possibly be His protection and I don't know even 1% of the world of pain or damage I may or may not have experienced if I had chosen something of the world over what He deemed was best for me. That I wouldn't have gained a chance to slow down and realize there is so much more for me to be grateful for and to be thankful for.

It's going to be a tough challenge, but the key to any challenge is that there are the letters to the word "change". That through all of our challenges, we will change for the better. It will be hard, but we have a God who is fighting for us, and a God who has conquered all the world's evil, darkness, and troubles.

The Cleansing Rains

All day today, the weather has been as many would describe as "gross" or "sub-par" to enjoy outdoor activities. It's been raining, and pouring for some parts of the day. Some areas might even have experienced thunderstorms, at least as the weather predicted over the past couple of nights.

Just now, I am sitting at my computer, just scrolling through mindlessly after enjoying some time with the family doing goofy things like marching around the house to get some exercise, no matter how light it might be, as well as playing different things like hitting a ball around (relatively carefully) and just goofing off. I re-read my own post, the previous one speaking of the impossible anger, and then I had been thinking.

Sometimes we do fall from grace. Sometimes we partake in not so glorious actions and the thoughts that cross our minds are far from holy. Sometimes we make mistakes and we fall down. But that's okay. We're human. We are fallible creatures. We fall to things, but we have the ability to get back up. We have a Father who wants us regardless of how many times we fall down. No matter how many times we disgrace Him, He wants us. He wants to pick us back up, brush off the dust, and embrace us just the same as if we had never strayed away from Him in the first place.

I was thinking of how God sends the rain. Sure, the storms make seeing what's in front of us hard. Sure it makes things darker and restricts a lot of things that we do. But there's always a benefit to the storms that God allows into our lives.

Storms allow for rain to fall and wash the Earth. Wash it clean of all the filth that we put onto it. From people doing whatever would be dirtying the Earth, it can be washed clean. From the filth of animals just being animals and going through their biological needs, it can be washed clean. The rain allows for cleansing and for the opportunity to grow. As we enter springtime, we enter a season of growth. Of new blossoms, of new flowers, of new beauty.

In the times of rain, we can visualize it as we can take this as a chance to fight our darkness and be washed clean of the filth that we had brought upon ourselves. To be washed clean of all the dust that we have acquired from falling down. We can be washed off and use this as a chance to stand back up. To get back on our feet so as to be able to run back to the Father who has been yearning for our return.

My last post shows I have filth. That I have darkness coursing through my veins. That I am negative in some regards of viewing the past and the things I perceive to have been taken away. Maybe the things that were "taken away" are part of God's protection. There was a saying that "rejection is often God's protection". Maybe had I returned to Liberty, there would be conflict or something that would have done more damage than I see has been done. Maybe not, but there's always the possibility that somehow, somewhere I could have been damaged more severely and that God saw this as the best way for me to go about my life. Maybe there was something more He wanted me to learn before entering into my first relationship. Maybe there was something else I needed to do, some way I needed to mature more before being truly ready to date anyone.

I don't know God's plan, nor do I ever need to know. I don't need to know who God thinks is perfect for me as far as relationships go, but that's okay. I just need to learn to trust Him. That when the time is right and when everything is set and ready, that God will provide what He sees fit, as well as who He sees fit. That if someone needs to be in my life, whether for a platonic or a romantic relationship, that God wants to shape me to be where I am needed before bringing those people into my life. That sometimes He even brings people in to help me shape up.

Maybe the way I kick myself for my immature actions is supposed to be a wake up call as to where I need to work on myself and what I need to do in order to better myself to truly call myself a man and a follower of Christ. Maybe I need to learn to let go of the past and just be thankful. To not try to hold on and say I am thankful. Because sometimes holding on does more damage than just simply letting go. That I need not try so hard to make things work, whether as platonic or romantic friends, because if it's meant to be, then God will provide a way for it all to work.

Maybe I even need to really make sure I am content in my singleness before thinking about relationships. It's a conversation I once had about a year ago. I had tried my hand at it and gave up with it pretty quickly. Maybe in this time of no longer attending school I need to really get down and work on myself. To truly find contentment in my singleness. To find true contentment in my relationship with Christ before finding a relationship with any girl.

Whatever the case is, I know I need to bunker down and pray. Pray without ceasing and pray with pure intentions. To not pray with an agenda, and to pray with the intention of seeking more after God's heart and finding and building a deeper relationship with Him before anyone else. That whenever God says I am ready for a relationship on Earth, to just trust that He will provide and make a way with whomever He sees to be fit for me. To just know that whoever it is, He will send them when the time is right.

So I will take this day of rain as a chance to cleanse myself. To wash off my inner toxins and inner poisons of all this anger strangling the grief. To purify myself and just truly be thankful and grateful for everything that I had learned and everything that I had experienced in my time at Liberty. That I must go forth and trust God's plan for my day to day, even if I am blind and cannot see the next step. I just need to trust the Lord Almighty that His work and His plan are sovereign. That if I truly believe everything will happen for my good in His timing, that I need to live those words and not try to force anything in my own timing. To trust His plan is to trust His timing.

This is where I can begin afresh. With revitalized energy and passion. With the ability to seek after the Lord and trust Him when life becomes uncertain. This is what I want. This is what I need.

Impossible Anger Strangling The Grief

As I do when I'm bored, I re-watch clips of scenes throughout the Dark Knight trilogy. Hence why the title is yet again a Batman reference, but this time from the first movie, Batman Begins rather than from Dark Knight or Dark Knight Rises as I normally would use.

The scene in which Bruce Wayne is training in the mountains with the League of Shadows and unbeknownst to him, training with Ra's al Ghul, they have a conversation after a sparring bout with swords on the ice.

Scene here

Upon talking with him, Ra's claims that Bruce is stronger than his father Thomas. Bruce says that Ra's doesn't know his father, to which Ra's explains by saying, "...but I know the rage that drives you: that impossible anger strangling the grief until the memory of your loved ones just poison in your veins. Then one day you catch yourself wishing the person you loved had never existed, so you'll be spared your pain."

As I have made and continue to make parallels between Bruce Wayne's life and my own, well more specifically the artistically written Bruce Wayne throughout Christopher Nolan's trilogy anyhow, I realize that sometimes I do fit the description that Ra's has described to Bruce.

Some days, I am inexplicably angry at the world. Some days I just am so angry that 2020 has not been "my year" that everything was leading up to something great in the end of 2019, and was supposed to blossom in 2020, yet now as evidence would support it did not. Maybe this was all partially my fault. Obviously as far as the academic standing, that was my fault for not realizing the true weight of the consequences from procrastination and poor time management skills. But then there's also the fault of enabling S when she had initially started with the "I love you". I had enabled her because I felt so many good feelings, and I can remember that night she said it vividly. Where I was, what I was wearing, the time of day, etc. I remember lying in my lofted bed, in room 306 of the Circle building 25. I remember wearing shorts and a t-shirt to bed because the A/C had long since been turned off. It was late Monday, December 4th, going into Tuesday, December 5th. She had her hall's Christmas formal and posted her outfit on her Instagram story, with the caption "I don't know how to take cute pics". And I had complimented her saying that any pic that she was in is a cute pic just because it had her in it. It led to a chain of messages ultimately leading to her saying "I love you" using the emoji that resembles the ASL sign for the same phrase.

Don't get me wrong, I eventually did come to learn what it meant to love another. I mean I know how to love and I do love my family. I love my friends from a platonic standpoint, but no one have I ever loved romantically. I came to love S with all my heart, and everything was feeling amazing. Every moment with her since finding out she liked me, and then she even came to love me. It was such a good feeling.

But as you can see, things have changed. I didn't return to school due to academic suspension. I couldn't be there for her and be with her for even another couple of months before the whole coronavirus pandemic. Things went sour quickly because of my own immaturity and poor reaction to the news that she felt God telling her that we were to live separate lives.

There were blog posts (I think), where I mentioned I effectively went through the 5 psychological stages of grief through that time period. (Actually I'm not so sure on if those posts exist because I wrote so many posts during February, but just in case you didn't know, part of the 5 stages of grief is anger). I definitely experienced anger as I had tried initially processing the news. I had suspected as much as she had grown distant in the text messages because she had wanted to tell me how she felt things were going, but was afraid of how I would react. She was right in her fears, and I'm full of regret for showing her how immature I was and could be.

So I find that that anger still exists to an extent. That I still do try choking out the sadness for what I keep perceiving as I have lost. It's like the movie says, "...impossible anger strangling the grief."

I suppose I do count S as among my loved ones, but then the memories of her sometimes leads to the grief and then my anger flares as a realization of what could have been different had I just been better in multiple areas of my life. If not the academic side of things, then in my reactions. That anger feels like it is poisoning me. That I just sometimes wish, and I do feel bad that it happens, that S never came into my life. That I need not even have worried about catching feelings for her, having these memories with her, and now the sadness of not having more memories with her. I know I speak about trying to be optimistic in it all and just be glad I even have those memories, but some days it's just really hard and I don't know what to do that my illogical side just decides to take over and be angry.

I feel bad that this is another parallel I make. But I wonder sometimes how different things would have been.

It's a tough path that I walk. It's littered with coping methods that are un-Christ-like, ungodly, unholy, ill ways of dealing with circumstances. I know I need to stray away from those darker pathways. It's definitely been so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I even have the strength to press on. Sometimes I wonder if I even have the endurance to keep on going.

I need help. I know not where I can get it. I know I just gotta keep trying to pray and draw closer to God, but I sometimes fall to the human nature of things, in the uncertainty and the unknowing of how God can answer or feeling His presence.

I don't want to be angry at anything. I don't want to grieve over these memories. I just want to be able to enjoy them. To cherish them. To think fondly of those times and be glad they are memories I can think of. I never again want to have even for a split second a wish that S didn't exist in my life. That's not fair and not cool. I want to be glad that she is my friend. That we had great times together.

I don't want to be negative, toxic, pessimistic, or anything of that sort anymore.

I need help.

Healing & Restoration [Update]

So a little while ago, I had posted stating that I was going to take a break from most communication with S so that I can try to figure myself out and settle the past feelings. It seemed like the only way I could think of to get everything in order and to move on.

After the realization of what the fallout had done as a result of my immature and rash behavior, actions, and words, I noticed that driving a wedge between friends was not the optimal decision. I mean it never really is an optimal decision. Even if someone wrongs you to any extent (with few exceptions) we are called to forgive their trespasses as our trespasses against the Lord are forgiven. Side note, I do say with few exceptions but I'm talking extreme cases, such as serious damage beyond repair instances, but most times we should try to forgive anyways and trust God in all things. I digress.

After cooling off, I had quickly come to my senses and noticed what I had so readily thrown away because I wasn't taking perceived "bad news" that well. That was on me for putting so much hope into a person rather than putting that hope into Jesus Christ. All of my hope and satisfaction should be found in Him and not try to be found in any pretty girl or anyone really. So in an attempt to rebuild friendships, I was scrambling, trying so hard to find a way back into people's lives when I had no right to be let back in. That I had been the one to push people away and I can't just push people away when I'm upset and get them back on demand or whenever it is convenient for me. That isn't right nor is it fair. I would end up using people for my benefit and they would always end up with the short end of the stick so to speak.

Luckily, and I am so blessed I was given a second chance and shown forgiveness as I really didn't deserve it, I got my friendship back that I had so desperately wanted. Maybe I am overdramatic in saying I have few friends, because maybe I only count those who I regularly talk to, even though I could name quite a few people who would call me their friend and would be by my side if all I did was reach out and ask. So I had thought that getting my friendship back with S was going to solve everything, or at least solve the hurts and the pains I had felt from the destruction in that fateful week in February. It didn't.

I found myself regrowing my feelings for her, thinking maybe it could work, maybe something would change and somehow things could align. It would take a miracle to get the stars to align, but it was something I had hoped for. As a result of that, I had started to become sad whenever I thought of memories of S and all the fond times I had with her towards the end of the Fall 2019 semester. At some point, I said enough was enough and decided to take that step to space away, since I needn't worry about not having her as a friend, and I can focus on rebuilding myself.

I'd say at this point my rebuilding is partially complete. Partially because there are things that still bring up memories and still make me feel heavy nostalgia, in a debatable not so good way. That I still feel the sadness, rather than joy in the fact I have these memories. I do feel more at peace with everything, but I still have a road to recovery and it's going to be a long haul before any of this actually surmounts to total healing.

For example, tonight, or rather technically last night, Friday, March 27th, I watched a livestream from for KING & COUNTRY, and at one point they featured a couple in the UK on a Facetime. I don't know how they decided those people since they seemed to just be fans, but that's beside the point. They had played an acoustic version of "Burn The Ships" and while they played it, the livestream also showed the view of the Facetime, showing the couple. The man was of some, I guess technically "minority" if I am to be politically correct, and the woman was a blonde (of course). While the man and I don't share the same ethnic background, my mind made a connection really quickly, perceiving it similar to any time in those last few weeks of when S and I would sit next to each other, leaning our heads on one another, just enjoying each other's presence and warmth.

Or then later, I had to move my car from sitting in front of our mailbox to the driveway (temporarily parked there because our driveway was occupied to check the tire pressure of another car). As I stepped outside around 11:25 p.m., the quietness and stillness of the night was almost spooky since we live close to a highway and normally you hear cars zipping down at 50, 60, 70 miles per hour. It seems to be too early in the year to have the nighttime bugs and insects making their noises as you would expect the chirping of crickets and cicadas during the summer. It was almost a dead silence. And I was walking to my car, which was only a hundred feet away? So what significance does all the details of a silent night and walking to the car have?

Well, early, and I mean early December 5th, I had gone out with S and a friend to originally Cook-Out but then last minute switch to Waffle House (see this for some more detail, but even that post is rather vague). After we dropped my friend off since he lives on East Campus, I tried to find parking somewhere, anywhere in South Campus where S and I lived. I couldn't. So I parked in the parking garage on main campus. We had to walk about a half mile or so, and the stillness of the night (well it was actually quite windy, but similar stillness sort of) caused me to have heightened alertness. Either that or I was loopy staying up for so long. Anyways, I got brought back to that night from something as simple as moving my car at a relatively late hour. And then I started reminiscing over that first hug S gave me after I had walked her back to her dorm.

So all in all, I still do a lot of memory connections and reminsicing over S and the fun times I had with her. A lot of it in high detail. Some of it I find hard to not get sad over. I just wish sometimes to go back and do things right. Get my academics in order, that way I could've avoided all the so called disasters of this year (well aside from coronavirus since that would have happened regardless if I returned for the spring semester or not).

I don't know if I need more time away from S or what. I don't know to what level or extent the friendship can survive since it would seem nigh impossible to make new memories in person given the 1,400 some odd miles in between us from now until the next semester, and even then 452 miles. I don't know why this one closer than friends relationship has got me so hung up, I mean we weren't even dating and even if you want to say we were, it wasn't even that long. Had it been a year or more, I could understand why it would take me a long time to heal, but almost 2 months to heal over something that wasn't officially a thing?

I don't want to be hard on myself and I don't want to become jaded or what have you towards S, but it's been hard. I wish I could have had that relationship with her, but I know I should put my full hope and satisfaction in God and trust His plan for everything in life, whether it be careers, day to day, relationships whether platonic or romantic, etc.

So this is where I'm at, and I'm sorry for putting you through such a long read. But I hope this shows some progress or something. I don't know who is reading this, but feel free to text me about it if you are a friend of mine. I don't know if S reads my blog anymore, but if she does, I don't know if she would text me about this since things seem odd because I just don't know what to talk about with her for now.

I suppose I could use a lot of prayer. I know I will need to pray myself, but if you read this, could you pray for my healing and pray for me to find God and feel His presence and hear His voice? That's something I am trying to discover so as to find where I am to go in life.

Thank you for reading all of this.

A Far, Far Better Rest That I Go To; Than I Have Ever Known

There's a certain level of peace that I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to as my life presses onwards day by day. I don't want to get ahead of myself nor ride any laurels prematurely, but I did start getting back to a consistent prayer time at the end of my day. I know some people would say that it'd be better to start my day with prayer than to end it, but this is where I felt comfortable trying to pray, and I would have to assume some prayer is better than none, right?

Regardless of when the "optimal" time to pray is, I feel like it's helping me to connect again with my Heavenly Father. It's a work in progress but I feel like I'm coming to know a peace I have forgotten about. To know that there is solid ground where the Father is and that is all the ground that I need to be standing on.

I've also been able to so far pretty successfully make myself just be grateful and thankful for the times I had with friends at Liberty. I find that instead of feeling sorry for myself and to feel sad of not being able to create more memories with my friends as I once had, that being grateful I even had the chance to make these memories is something amazing. It helps me to feel nostalgia rather than grief. To feel joy and happiness that these moments even happened, rather than be sad it's all gone.

A powerful quote from Walt Disney (I think) is, "Don't be sad that it's over; be glad that it happened." I find that in every day life, it's so easy to love the good times to love the happy times and then when they all eventually come to an end, we feel all sad that those times are leaving us. It's so easy to feel sad and wish for just another moment. To just go back in time to relive these moments. To just try to survive until the next good time that comes next. But in reality, we should just be happier that we even got to experience these things, these moments, these memories in the first place. That yes, we can be sad for ourselves and wish we could go back, but then that makes everyday living so drab and so blasé.

So in application, sure I can be sad that I won't be making memories with S anymore, or at least not in person and not anytime soon, not in the same capacity as we once did. And sure I won't have those late night Minecraft parties or those 3 am Waffle House runs, but hey, what good does it do for me to be sad? It just creates guilt, grief, anxiety for the future because I'll always be living in the past and not looking forwards into my future. I'm going to do my best to be thankful for those memories. I choose to be thankful for everything, because in the end it's what I want more than anything. To have a peace in God rather than grief in the world and longing for something of the world.

It's going to be a long battle. And uphill battle even, but it's going to be worth it because God can provide me a peace better than any I have ever known. And He can provide a rest for me greater than anything I have ever known.

Oh and yes, I totally made a Dark Knight Rises reference in the title.

Bad Time For An Outage

As evidence would support, my cell service provider is having an outage at the moment. It's been going on for about 2 days, and is not scheduled to get fixed until tomorrow.

That's a pretty major problem if you ask me. Not only is digital contact the main source of communication as the world is in social distancing and effectively shut down, but it's the main way I get contacted by my boss. I have no idea if I have been texted about any updates or anything like that regarding the test results of my coworker, nor do I know of if I got anything as far as scheduling for hours.

This is probably one of the worst times to have an outage and not be trying to expedite the repair process. Maybe this is their expedited speed already, but even so, what kind of cell service provider doesn't get their network fixed in 2 days? I can understand a day for the problems to start and then someone notice, but 2 days in and then they won't fix it until the 3rd day?

I'm just hoping that I didn't get any texts that require response in a short time frame, because I have no means of contacting people like my manager or my boss who I only contact through texting. I have no social media connections to them (and honestly I'm not complaining because I want to keep work and social life separate for now anyways), but man this is not good at all.

I guess at the end of the day it's another thing I need to take into account that maybe while it's not necessarily God doing this on purpose, but He's trying to get me to realize I need to reconnect with Him more, so He's disconnecting a lot of things out of my life so I don't have any distractions or any other reason to say I'm busy or preoccupied.

Maybe I need to really take the hint at the wake up call. Maybe I should crack open my Bible and start a personal Bible study. To hear His voice instead of just me talking all the time through prayer. I mean I know prayer is important, but all good communication is a two-way street. If I'm only praying and not doing much more to try to hear the Lord's voice, then I'll be hosting a one-way conversation.

I just have to keep on charging ahead and keep on moving back to the Lord as I seemingly have strayed so far away from Him.

It's time to wake up and go back to the Father.

I Feel Good

So this is a less formal post, well as if any of my posts have been "formal" so to speak. But hear me out.

It's been a couple hours since I wrote my post of feeling hopeless given my situation regarding the coronavirus pandemic. And since then I played some more video games, and then I also worked out at home. I did some weights, just sorta lightly hitting everything since I might as well do whatever I can. Worked my chest, triceps, biceps, back, core, and legs.

I just took a shower and it's now 8:20 p.m., so I have dinner and some down time left in the day. I was jamming to my usual tunes in the shower, which are for KING & COUNTRY's "joy.", "God Only Knows", and "Amen".

And for whatever reason, but it's all good in the end, I felt good. I felt confident in myself. I liked the way I looked, which is a first in awhile. I just felt so good. It feels like my burden was lifted, that I have been set free to fly once again. That I feel like I'm no longer plagued by my past mistakes and that they shall cripple me no more.

Maybe that's just the neurotransmitters firing off after a workout. Working out is good for the body and for the mind. The endorphins, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin might be doing all the talking right now, but I feel so good. I feel almost ready to get back out into the world. To not linger and hide in my past and in my mistakes. To no longer wallow in what I had "lost" in all of the changes that 2020 has brought into my life. This feels so good.

This feels like a step in the right direction. 

I feel alive.

I feel powerful.

I feel good.

Quarantine & Isolation

I have not worked at all since last Thursday, the 19th because hours were being cut and now that I have to wait for a coworker's test results to come back, I'm still not working. Had everything been compared to the "normal" schedule before this whole virus shut down the world thing, I missed 4 days of work. That's 32 hours of work I did not do, and 32 hours of work I will not be getting paid for.

If you count the weekends, it's been 6 days so far of a form of quarantine/isolation of sorts. While I am not sick and I just move about my day to day, operating under the shelter-in-place order by the state governor, it just feels like I could be doing so much more. Don't get me wrong, it's kind of nice to have so much time to just relax and kick back and everything, but I had only gotten about a month of work in before the world decided to shut down.

I'm honestly getting pretty antsy and just want to have some hours to work that way I have some sense of accomplishment and some money to work with. I mean I've saved every single dollar and cent of each of my 2 paychecks up to now, so I technically do have some money. Today is normally pay day, so my 3rd check should be in, I just haven't collected it yet since it gets sent to my workplace. Also, luckily for me my parents are still supporting me for bills and food and just surviving, so it's not like I technically "need" the money.

The point I'm trying to make is that not being able to work is making me feel like my life isn't amounting to much at the moment. That there is something I could be on a perfect timeline somewhere, but I've strayed far from it. I mean even if I were working, I'm sure eventually I might feel as if my life is supposed to be more than a crew member at a sub shop. I guess I've just had a lot of time to think about my life and everything that I've done and everything I could be doing instead. Although I've also just burned through the hours playing video games or watching YouTube or just doing nothing necessarily "productive".

I guess I should be spending time trying to think of where I want to go in life. To actually sit down and consider if I want to go back to school, and if I do, then what will I study? To re-evaluate my priorities and to find my purpose and my calling. I've become so blase about everything. I've gotten comfortable even in my schedule of working, but now that was taken away from me. I know it's not a permanent withholding as whenever the test results come back, assuming they are negative on the test for COVID-19, then I should be back to work in no time flat. This month has taken a lot away from me, and I just need to try my best to stay optimistic in it all.

I'm losing hope and losing energy in a way that sounds odd considering I have all the time in the world as it seems to recuperate and regain my energy. But as a post from TobyMac that I shared says, quoting Bob Goff, "sometimes God lets us lose hope for a moment, so we'll retrace our steps and find Him all over again". Maybe this is another wake up call. To retrace my steps to go and find my way back to the Lord and then maybe everything will start making sense again. Or even if it doesn't, at least I'll be at peace knowing that God is by my side and still working even when the world has come to a standstill.

I need to do a lot of praying and a lot of seeking after the Lord. If you're reading this, if you wouldn't mind praying for me to find my way back to God and find my purpose and my calling, that would be very much appreciated.

Memories

So there was this tiktok, that I really liked, posted by a guy who was once a part of Pentatonix:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ssj9K8/

I really liked it because it brings about feelings that I am going through, and while the first half can potentially induce a mild bit of sadness through the nostalgia, the latter half inspires hope and a way to look at things to just cherish all the times and all the memories together.

"Here's to the ones that we got. Cheers to the wish you were here but you're not because the drinks bring back all the memories, and the memories bring back memories bring back... As we go on, we remember, all the times we, had together."

I felt this move something within me. While no I'm not drinking alcohol or consuming any inhibitors that would 100% align with the lyrics, I still felt that effect. Some days just come by and I feel so much sorrow and regret. When I think of it in the way of what I had lost and what I wish I could relive just to have some more time, I get sad. I feel bad. I kick myself for putting myself in this position.

But as I proceed to the latter half of the medley, just remembering all the times I had with friends, it makes me realize that being sad and feeling sorry is not going to make these memories fond, nor will I learn to cherish these memories. And what I need to do is be more thankful and grateful that I even have these memories. That yes, it's true I want to relive them and want to make more memories of the like, but it's also something that I need to realize that the good times are always in front of me and I should be more grateful with each and every day and not take anything, literally ANYTHING, for granted.

What I want to take away from this is that memories are supposed to be good for the most part. That times with friends are going to be some of the best and that I need to be aware of this. That it's not always going to be as easy as it had been to get together with friends and to do things together as we get older and enter "the real world". Ever since I started working, I've rarely had time to play video games like Minecraft with friends as I used to do on a pretty much nightly basis. I suppose that's also more of just choosing how I spend my time at night, but that's something I can work on.

The feeling of nostalgia is a good feeling usually. It helps lift me up in times of sadness because it's calming just to think about it. Calming to just step back and remember that there are good things, good people, out there that are willing to be there for me. To have my back and to encourage me on the day to day. All I have to do is reach out and try to make time for them as they would for me.

From this point on, for the rest of this post, I'm going to slightly switch topics, but the bulk of what I wanted to talk about is before here. Now I'm just going to be writing about memories and other things connected to them. Feel free to keep reading.

I realize that many things have new associations with S and I just try my best to be happy for all the things that I had with her and all the great times and memories I made with her.

For example: this morning my brother went out to get some donuts from Dunkin' Donuts. No big deal right? When I was eating one of the donuts, I was just thinking, "man it's been awhile since I last had a donut from DD". Then I kept thinking "when was the last time I had a donut from Dunkin?" Turns out it was November 21st, 2019. And you might be wondering "how do you know the exact date you last had a donut?" Well it's not because I have a great memory, but mostly because I remember the circumstances around it and I know when those circumstances occurred. That day was the day after I was asked by S if I were going to campus community. She had saved me a seat next to her and I kinda flirted with her a bit when David Nasser brought up something about how blondes were nice. This was also the day after I had the news broken to me by the admins of LU Crushes and they said that S liked me back. So I asked her on the 21st if I could talk to her about something in person. We got a late lunch with a friend and he left early to go somewhere and I was planning to talk to her over dinner so I was mildly unprepared. She said "you said you wanted to talk about something" to which I eventually told her what LU Crushes told me" and that's when I found out she liked me. Let me state for the record that that was the best feeling I ever felt. To feel loved. I know my family loves me, and that my friends would even say they love me. I know that God loves me, and His love is all that I need, but that feeling of appreciation from a girl I had been interested in for a few months, just wow. After talking with her for awhile regarding her feelings for me, and the LU Crushes post she had written about me, she decided she wanted to get some hot chocolate from the Dunkin' at the North campus dining area. She asked if I wanted one of the two donuts because she didn't want all the sugar of 2 donuts and a hot chocolate, so I obliged. And now you know why I think of her when I think of donuts from DD.

Or another thing that reminds me of her is now Avatar: The Last Airbender tv series. On December 10th, 2019, we had adventured together going to Walmart and Target in hopes of finding "Mini Brands". I went because anything with her was amazing and I loved it. While in Walmart, we had found the entire series of both ATLA and Legend of Korra. We both don't like LOK, and we searched for just ATLA. We ended up finding it, and we both bought our own copy.

And now Minecraft reminds me of her. Of all the construction projects she has undertaken, all the creativity she has expressed, and it just is amazing how someone so new at the game has so much creativity and ways to express it. I never was super creative at the game and it was just cool to watch her work. So when I'm TikTok and I see something Minecraft, I think of her.

I'm sure there are other things that make me think of her, so you can see how much of an effect she has had on my life. How much she meant to me. She stills means a lot to me, which is why it pained me to take a step away to heal, and why it pained me so much once I had cooled off and realized I had pushed her away. I don't know where the friendship between us will go or how many more times I will share with her in person given the current distance separation, but I just want to trust the Lord in what He's doing. If we're meant to be close friends, He'll make a way. No matter what we do, if the Lord wills us to be friends forever, He will make a way for us.

So maybe I extended this post way longer than I had originally intended. That maybe I exposed more of S than she might have wanted. That maybe I should have kept these things to myself, but I would like to hope that if she happens to read this that she just knows how much she means to me to be my friend.

To S: If you are reading this, please know how much you mean to me. Please know that I am so so sorry for ever pushing you away in the first place. That even now in my time as I space away mostly to heal, I am hurting similtaneously because I just want to talk to you, to just try to make more memories with you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being my friend and for making my final semester at Liberty the absolute best semester. Thank you for becoming a phamily member. Thank you for just being you.

Begins, Falls, Rises

I was scrolling through Reddit, as one does, because I'm an introvert with few friends who stand by my crazy side (I am forever thankful for everyone who decided to give me a second chance and pushed me to be better), and being quarantined in the waiting for a coworkers COVID-19 test results, I have a lot of time to think.

So naturally, I've been following the subreddit r/batman. Wow. Never would've seen that one coming, right? I mean the guy who talks so much about Batman, spent money creating his own Batsuit, and even renamed the blog from "Geoff's Unfiltered Thoughts" to "Into Vengeance. Into the Night. Into Batman", totally hates the Dark Knight, right?

Anyways, there was this cool poster/picture designed by a guy named Julien Rico Jr. It was designed after the Christopher Nolan Dark Knight trilogy, and honestly, once again I am making parallels between Bruce Wayne and myself. (Wow what a crazed fanatic).

These are very simplistic looking, but it fits so well. And here's why:

First off, I'll briefly explain the designs, then I'll go into detail on how it relates to me. "Begins" is when Bruce first became the Batman, having to stop the criminal underworld and stop Scarecrow and Ra's al Ghul from destroying Gotham. "Falls" is in relation to just over a year of Batman being in Gotham and putting fear into the criminals as Gotham's protector. It's when Bruce had to make tough choices in fighting Joker and his plans to bring anarchy to Gotham and create villains like Two-Face. In the end, Bruce had to make a sacrifice that only Jim Gordon knew the truth to. The Dark Knight has fallen and is a hero turned away from grace and stained in the public's eye. No longer was he the hero the people thought they needed. Finally, "Rises" is when Bruce took time away from Batman (storywise, 8 years) and then finds ways to rise above and beyond his fallen state. To become more than he was before and once again be the hero Gotham needs and deserves.

So where do I stand in all of this? Well, brace yourselves for the long story.

My beginning as the Liberty Batman. I had started mostly out of spite and my own immaturity. I had been making fun of a mutual who people in my friend group didn't like. I had been hypocritical by saying the mutual only talks about or likes one thing, and yet I was doing the same thing, but with Batman. I had kept making references to my physical training as training to be the Batman. Stuff like that. My friends played along for a bit by saying they were equivalent to certain characters from the Dark Knight's rogues gallery. At some point though, I did become too obsessive over it. Side story that's not currently relevant for right now.

So one point someone says I would never be the Batman and I'm some obsessed guy over it. I took it too harshly and then out of spite I created the Liberty Batman by saying I am the Batman despite anything they said of me. After creation though, I tried to push myself and become more than anything I've been before. To be a better friend, to be like the Batman inspiring hope and being someone people can turn to when they need someone to talk to, etc.

It blossomed into some of the best things I could have ever asked for. I got the best of friend groups, and we've made the best of memories. I will forever be thankful for the people who were a part of it, and I will forever regret ever pushing them away. I hope that some day I can be with them again. It was an incredible time playing as another vigilante so to speak on Liberty's campus, similar to how we had the Crimson Ninja, or the LU Spider-man.

Sadly, however, I had only been the Batman for about a year. Well not even. Anyways, it was maybe a week or two, or even a few at this point, ago that I had decided I would quit being the Batman. Because how could I be the Liberty Batman if I were no longer a Liberty student? How can I be a hero for a group of people if I can't even be a part of that group of people as I once was? As a result, I stepped down from being the Batman.

In the time that has passed since that decision, I had for better or for worse slowly started re-entering my more crude phase, and going back to where I was before Batman. I still managed to learn a lot about life, but at what cost? What did I sacrifice? I sacrificed morals and values. I had gone back to devices that brought ruin upon me and it still plagues me. But I had let it run amok; out of control whereas before I at least had some semblance of control. I had cast out my friends who I had come to call family. I had burned bridges that were built either over a long time, or through being open and honest and vulnerable. I destroyed everything I had once stood for, valued, and created with my fantasy of becoming Batman. Maybe my version of Batman wasn't tarnished in the public's eye, but it was tarnished in my own eye. The eye that had mattered to me the most. I had become the very thing I swore to destroy.

I'm still paying the price for my actions, for the burning of bridges, for the lack of academic success, for the pain I've caused people, the trust I have broken in those who have had a hard time trusting guy friends because of abuse of trust from a past person. At this point, I very much could just give up on anything and anyone from my past. I could suck it up and drown out the sorrows through means the secular world could provide. I could compromise myself and my morals to make it past and drop an iron curtain that will shield me from the past. But then what would that say of me, as not only a man, but as a child of God? As a man who strives to be the leader he was designed to be? What does it say about everything I've done, and all that I am if I just turn away now and forget everyone and everything in my past 20 years of life?

That brings us to here. To "Rises". It's a process I am partaking in now. Sure it hasn't been 8 years since my fall, but it doesn't have to be and that's the beauty of it. Everyone has their life, their plans, their design as God made it. Not everyone follows the exact plan as a friend or coworker or colleague, etc. Some people achieve things sooner than others. Others will achieve things later and that's okay.

What I'm trying to say is that I am rising. It is time for me to return to my previous values I had created and upheld as my own version and interpretation of the Dark Knight. I'm taking the space I need to clear my head and set things straight. I am taking steps to remember where I came from, where I was, and where I once set my sights upon. I am remembering who I am, and what I am worth. I am realizing that my end is not here and not now, even as I perceive 2020 to be among the worst years of my life. I need to heed my own choosing of words and realize that there is more for me yet. That just because everything did not go according to plan for this year that I am doomed and my future is gone.

Just because my plans of a relationship, my plans of a potential passion, my plans of life after college, or anything else went upside down, keel towards the sky, that my life is not over. That this is all a part of the race that has been set out before me. That I need to run it with perseverance. That I need to choose joy, burn my ships, trust that God only knows my past, my present, and my future. That it's not over yet.

So yes, I'm not exactly rising back up yet. I'm not ready yet to once again become the Batman and uphold values I had when I was Batman. That I must work on myself in this time of isolation, of quarantine even. That when I am ready and when the next test of my life and of my faith arises, that I will be ready and strong enough to fight it all head on. That I know I have a God who I can trust when things are stretching me thin.

This is my beginning. My rebirth. This is the reawakening of my dying fire inside of me. This is the spark to a new blaze that will burn brighter than ever before. This is where my light will shine brighter and reach farther than any light I have had before.

And I know the road will not be smooth. I know that sometimes the road will get bumpy and I will have to face dark times, moments of sadness and regret, and reminiscing over past memories. But I know that I just have to be as optimistic as possible. To just be thankful and grateful for the experiences and the memories. To strive ever upwards.

One day, and I don't know when but I know it's coming, I will rise. I will rise as the Knight I once was. To rise up and leave behind my state of being a Fallen Knight. To cast off the only thing I ever should have cast off: my fallen state. This is where I can begin anew. To step into a new dawn and into a new day. Into a new life even. I have a support system that can carry me through. I have the God of the universe on my side. And that's all I need. To find my hope and my satisfaction in the Lord Almighty, and everything will work together for my good and His glory.

It's time to make the climb.

Fallen Knight

I feel like in this time of self-isolation to examine myself and work on healing, that I am a knight, fallen from his place. I feel like there have been days recently in which I run away from who I am, from who I could be, from the places I need to be and the places I need to go. That I'm disregarding everything of what defines me, in favor of "protecting" myself for just a little bit. In reality, that "protection" only lasts for so long before I am brought back in front of whatever I have been running from. That I will eventually have to face my fears and my doubts. To face my pains and sorrows until I finally deal with them properly.

If you haven't noticed yet, I'm a big fan of the Batman. I even took on the mantle of the Bat for the greater part of the past year. Not a long time, but a significant chunk of time, being about 5% of my total lifespan thus far. During this time, I had made memories, I had grown, I had taken strides to become larger than myself, to do more good and to serve others more. I had intentionally tried to become a leader instead of just a follower. I had tried to make sure I was ready and able to sacrifice for my friends. Whether or not I did actually sacrifice for them is not up for me to decide. If anyone who is my friend reads this, they'll know what I'm talking about, and if I'm mistaken, they can correct me.

Another thing I am a pretty big fan of is Star Wars. I think I've rarely mentioned it, maybe not even at all. All I do know is I made a post for when I bought the Fallen Order game. That will have some importance in a moment.

Before I continue, here's a minor spoiler alert for Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order in case you are planning to play the game or are playing the game. Proceed with caution.

So at some point in the game, the main character, Cal Kestis, reveals that he had run away from his training as a Jedi Padawan. That he had disconnected himself mostly from the Force, and was choosing to just hide out his life from the Empire by pretending to not be Force-sensitive. In doing so, he almost succeeds.... Almost.

At one point he is forced (pun intended) back into the ways of the Jedi and way down the line, he actually gets the induction as a fully-fledged Jedi Knight. Upon this happening, the following words are said to him: "Rise, Jedi Knight".

I don't know about you, but there was something really cool about that line. Maybe it's because for the longest time, I had liked anything medieval with swords and armor, and then that led into liking titles and knighthoods and everything (which probably has some underlying effect on why I like Batman so much because he is, after all, the Dark Knight). Maybe it's especially cool to me this year because with the new Star Wars area in Disney, Galaxy's Edge, and with the known fact of our family vacation this year is going to Disney and also exploring the Galaxy's Edge (not to mention on my birthday) excites me more and more. We'll be doing their lightsaber building activity, and trying out drinks at Oga's Cantina. So you could say that I want to be like the Jedi Knights.

Also, as I am 100% certain I have mentioned multiple times on this blog, about Bruce Wayne's fall from being the Dark Knight to him rising back up to the mantle to be the hero that Gotham deserves. So now we're playing on two fields and two different angles that maybe could be used as encouragement to get me back to where I need to be.

So I find myself running, and I won't lie, it works for coping, at least for a few moments to as long as a few days. But then the pain comes back and then I remember why I was running in the first place. My first and natural instinct is to once again run away. In hopes of finally outrunning the pain and the sorrow so that I may finally escape. But it will never be that way if I merely run.

What I need to do, and as I hope I am doing, is to face the pain head on. To take time to myself in some form of isolation, and face the fear. Face the pain, face the sorrow, face the very thing I am running from all the time. I can never heal if I am always running away. I know that not every fight has to be fought and sometimes running away is indeed for the better, but this is one of those fights I need to fight.

I feel like I am a fallen knight. Fallen from grace, fallen from glory.

But I feel like there is also a pathway to redemption. To restoration. To healing. To becoming more and soaring high above these past few months of pain, suffering, sorrow, etc. That I can be more and I can rise back to where I was and then take it the next step further and forge myself stronger than ever before.

I am glad I finally realized this. That I finally am taking steps that are no longer just running away. That I am facing it head on. The first step was to stop pretending like everything was okay once I managed to re-establish relatively daily communication with S. I will be taking some time away from her just so I can heal my heart and heal my mind. Not to say that any of the pain is her fault, but I have to re-center myself so as to not confuse anything and to just be at peace with the friendship I have with her.

It's time for me to rise. To get back into the world. To rise back up to the Dark Knight. To rise up and be like the Jedi Knights. I tried to cast away my mantles and the ways I had used to push myself higher and higher, striving towards something greater than myself. But as it would seem, that only works for so long. So I will return to my Dark Knight mantle someday. And I will truly rise.

P.S. These are gifs of the respective sequences. When Cal Kestis is promoted to Jedi Knight and he rises up after being knighted, and when Bruce Wayne returns to Gotham in "Dark Knight Rises", and he has Commissioner Gordon ignite a trail of flammable liquid that creates a burning bat-symbol on a bridge, for all of Gotham to see and for all of Gotham to regain hope.

Operation: Healing & Restoration

I finally took the first step to ensuring my healing process. And honestly I'm happy with how it all went down anyways.

So as you may know, I'm still oddly harboring feelings for S, and it's probably going to reach a point in which it's not healthy and becoming toxic. Yes, I'm allowed to take time to deal with the heartbreak (that I'm pretty sure I caused myself, just to establish where the blame falls, it's on me), but I shouldn't be taking forever to deal with it.

The first preliminary step was the restoration of the friendship. But I don't really see that as the first step because it's a step that maybe I wanted out of the wants of my feelings. Feelings or not, I'm glad I was able to at least restore the friendship to some degree.

I had originally thought that that was going to be all I needed to restore my heart and heal myself. But evidently I was wrong in that assumption. I realize that by texting S as often as I do, sending her tiktoks, memes, etc., I am creating a re-establishment of how the way things were before the fallout. It's not like the open and flowing communication is a bad thing, but I think it's not exactly helping me douse the feelings and move on properly as just friends.

It was a step I had been considering for a little while, but given the fact that I had already once pushed her away, I didn't want it to sound like I was pushing her away again. I need her as my friend because I don't have many friends, and it wasn't right of me to ever push her away in the first place. I want to make sure I never fall back to my mistakes. To remember history and not forget it, lest I be doomed to repeat it.

So I texted her today, explaining how I had an idea that maybe it was because of my relatively frequent contact with her was keeping the feelings alive. And that I needed to make sure I properly heal and move on before continuing that kind of communication. Luckily, or I guess as I had hoped, she took it well and understood where I was coming from. She said it was admirable of me to want to make sure I heal and move on before I get caught up and let my hopes get too high or my feelings really re-attach to her. She also said for me to take as much time as I needed.

I don't know how much time I'll need to take, but I'm just glad that she is understanding. I know I need to make more efforts to healing and restoring myself, but this feels like a good step one. Whenever I feel like I have comfortably extinguished the feelings and feel like I can move on, I'll reach out to her.

I guess does that mean I cut off all communication with her? I'm not sure. I guess I could always just maintain something like the Snapchat streaks or something, but we'll see. Hopefully I can heal and move on towards growth and towards developing and refining myself.

New Pot; New Day

Today I had the opportunity to finally repot my aloe vera plant. And it gave me some insight into my life that I realize I needed.

2 years ago, I bought 2 small plants that were no more than say 2 or 3 inches tall, and maybe 1 to 2 inches in diameter, for like $5. I gave one to my sister and took the other. This plant traveled with me to and from school and I have been lucky enough to kept it alive all this time despite not having taken care of my own plant before.

We have repotted this plant 2 times before, so a total of 3 different pots it has been in. And now it's grown large enough to obscure the soil in the 3rd pot, so since the weather was nice today and we're heading into the spring season, I had given it yet again a larger pot.

I see this as symbolism for my life. Each pot can be representative of a period in which I had room to grow and learning to do. When I had reached my full potential in one area of my life, it was time to move onto the next area. That way I have more space and more opportunity to grow and develop. This is really key given I've been struggling with my past in more than one aspect. I hope to find wherever my new pot in life is so to speak and that I can grow as I have needed to.

Here are some pictures of my plant in case you were wondering. See how you can see a lot of room for it to grow? I know there's not a reference picture for its previous pots, but just imagine it covers the soil completely for the other ones by the time I repot.

So now, I need to repot myself. To take what I have experienced and what I have learned and grow with it. To become a bigger and better and more developed version of myself. To refine myself through the forges of trial and error, and the forges of life and the experiences it deals out to me.

I can grow into a new dawn and into a new day. It's up to me to move on and grow. No one is going to force me to move on. No one will tell me what I should or shouldn't do. There will be guidelines and expectations for sure. But it's up to me to either stay where I am at the state I am at and at the point where I have grown to, or I can take up everything and find room to continue growing and continue developing. To refine myself as a man, as a friend, and most importantly as a follower of Christ.

This is an exciting time and I must make the most of everything that is set before me.

God Friended Me: Should I Have Watched?

There's this tv series called "God Friended Me". And honestly it's a pretty good show and upholds some Christian values and it's kinda nice. A fresh change of pace.

I haven't really watched the series in its entirety because my family watched it mostly when I was at Liberty, but I caught whatever I could here and there.

Tonight we decided to watch some of the episodes we have saved on our DVR (or cloud saving, whatever YouTubeTV uses) and then there were lines that don't help with my feelings of being torn apart and just my feelings in general.

If you read the last post, I'm torn between holding on to past feelings and trying to move on. I know which way I want to go, but there are hopes of a "not yet/not now" rather than a straight out "no", even though I heard how S says she feels God calling different lives for the both of us.

It doesn't help that the episode of God Friended Me had lines of "if she is really the right girl, she'll come back into your life at some point". This was to encourage the main character because he too was going through emotional stresses/pains/relationship endings and such. Basically a similar situation to mine, where he wants the relationship to work, but circumstances are making it so that it won't work.

See those kinds of lines are inspiring to press on and to keep faith and keep hope, but I don't know nor do I think it is wise for me to keep hope that I can one day still get my chance with S. But then I also partially want to believe it because of seeing how COVID-19 brought the end of residential life on campus early, so that brings up those hypothetical questions I wrote in a different post.

If I'm being honest, yes, I do want a relationship with her. Yes, I still have some level of feelings for her. I don't know what I should do to work on moving on, if that means limiting contact or interactions with her just for a bit to recollect myself. But then I also want to be her friend (and I have hopes of one day being her best friend again) so that means as a friend, I shouldn't just space out. I guess I could always tell her and I'm sure she would understand.

This is hard. I know what I should probably be doing, I don't know what exactly I should be doing. Actually, I guess I should just be praying about it. Pray for God to take it all and do as He wants to with it all. Because at the end of the day, if He wants it, He'll make it happen. If He wants me to move on, I'm pretty certain that He will help me shake these feelings and be at peace with just maintaining a platonic friendship as He works me towards whatever and whoever He has in His plans for me.

I guess I should be praying more, shouldn't I? Not just because of this, but to keep an open communication with my Father since He wants to be my friend too.

i'm being torn apart

There have been so many feelings of wanting what could have been. I mean have you read any of my recent posts? I still wish to be with S and to call her mine. To be her special someone. Gosh, that dream would be so great.

Heck, even last night my literal dream somehow I ended up back on Liberty's campus one last time, and in the dream, I texted her "hey I'm on campus, I was wondering if you were free so I could see you one last time". I haven't seen her since December 10th, and if nothing else, I miss seeing her because it just feels so hard and so difficult to be friends from such a distance. Don't get me wrong, I will hold onto and cherish any friendship I can get and am blessed to have, but it's just hard because I can't hang out with them, I can't make memories with them, or at least not easily.

Anyways, so there's that part of me that is stuck wishing for what I had lost and wishing for things to have been different. But I know I can't have that. I know there's no rewinding the clocks. There's no undo button on my mistakes both academically and relationally to how I treated my friends last month.

The part that's tearing at me is the part where I feel like I want to move on. Because I can't just linger on S forever. It's not fair to her and it wouldn't be fair to me to linger and never move on when life changes. I want to try to make new relationships, even platonic ones or I suppose potentially romantic ones. I don't know how or where I'm supposed to do that because I don't even see girls or people even that I can try doing that with. I don't know where I'm supposed to make friendships.

I want to get back out into the world. I want to put myself back out there. But I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. I don't think I've dealt with my previous feelings properly. I have all these hopes that shouldn't be there. I come up with all these questions that I can never get the answers to. I am stuck in a cycle of wanting to move on, then returning back to my past and my stagnation.

I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I am being torn apart. What do I do, where do I go?

Someone help.

Regrets/Feelings of Missing Out

I see a lot of things from friends I've made at Liberty. It really makes me miss my time there and I wish I could've been there for at least these past couple months. Things would have been so much different and my 2020 wouldn't be so bad, or at least not as bad as I have been perceiving it to be. I know it is all my fault for failing out, but still I wish I could have been there.

I feel I missed out on a crucial part of my life. Not only in pursuing a degree to elevate my education to a new level, but also the social aspect. This time of life, the 18 to 22 year old chunk of time is when most people develop themselves and have fun. Not to say I can't go back to college ever, but I would feel out of place being older than my contemporaries if I do go back. I know there's nothing wrong with it. I know that there's no cookie cutter formula for how your life should go. Some coworkers of mine didn't even finish high school. Some did college, some didn't, some are doing college, so it's clear that everyone is at different stages of life at different ages. Some are at the same stage of life at different ages. So it's not entirely unfathomable.

But for me, I just envision that life goes a certain way, and now that it's not going that way, I feel lost. I also feel like I missed out on so much because the friends I've made at Liberty have been some of the best ever. The memories I made through friend groups, hall events, bro/sis dorm events, etc., have been the best. I loved it because everyone was doing things for fun, no one was doing anything with an agenda, and we proved that fun can be had without being blackout drunk or high or otherwise compromising ourselves. I don't know, it just felt good and it felt right.

At the same time, thanks to the COVID-19 strain of the coronavirus, a lot of people are choosing to stay home for the rest of this semester. I don't know what the decision process or deciding factors are when it comes to that given I haven't been there for any of this semester, but I'd imagine it changes everything. The student body disappearing for half a semester, and a lot of my friends stepping away would have changed a lot. So even if I were a student there, my time would be cut short. A lot of things would change and then I'd be in a similar situation as I am now, just 2 months later than how everything has happened.

If I'm being honest, part of these feelings stem from just a bunch of "what-if's" and hypothetical questions that I will probably never get the answers to. And if you know at all, you can tell where this is going. I don't know if I should write it because I don't know if she checks my blog, but here I go:

I wonder what would happen if I had returned this semester rather than be home. A potential relationship, or at least chances to be together for 2 months, going places, doing things, spending time, maybe doing homework, cuddling, hugging each other, holding hands maybe, I don't know. Then what would happen now? She's staying home for the rest of this semester. Had I been at school, I wouldn't have been working and wouldn't have the money to be able to go visit her or anything like that, well at least not yet. And if anything I would see her next semester, so with everything up in the air, I'd have to maintain a long distance relationship for 5 months before the next physical get together? See? A lot of hypothetical questions. Questions I won't get answers to because I know I should just move on and not even worry about these questions.

Whatever the case is, I just feel like I missed out on a lot of things, lost a lot of things, and could have had a lot of things. But at the same time as my previous post states, I can grow from my failures and my shortcomings. There are chances for me to grow.

So, like the tiktok trend says: It is what it is.

Springtime

Today is the first day of spring for 2020. And I felt inspired by it to write the following. So let's jump in then.

As you may know, the year has 4 seasons. In different seasons you have different patterns for how that flora and fauna of the earth move and grow. Each season even has its own patterns for different plants to grow and different animals to move about.

So as I was thinking this morning, we just left the wintertime. And typically leading up to the winter, plants and animals go into hibernation to brave the cold weather and reduced sunlight levels and they become dormant. Some things die in the process, but that's okay because that's simply the circle of life. Things will be born or created, and they will run their lifetime until they eventually reach the end and die and decay.

The death is not so sad though, as it leads to making room for new growth. Whether the old becomes fertilizer for the new, or if the old makes way for new growths and then even more new at those new ends, there is always an ebb and a flow. It's quite beautiful when you think about it.

Anyways, I have noticed that lately I've been passive aggressive towards my situation and my circumstances. I blame the whole year for not being good and not giving me what I had thought was almost promised to me. From a potential relationship with someone I came to love, to losing friendships over miscommunication and immature responses and reactions, to losing the ability to practice an art that I had loved for at least a couple of weeks. I shake my fist at the air, but I don't know who I'm blaming. Am I blaming God for this? But that would not be wise as God has the ability to provide and to take away just as much. He always has the right plans in store for me, I just don't see it. Nonetheless, that's not a reason to get angry at Him. So who do I blame? Who am I getting angry at?

But as the winter has now officially shifted into spring (since these past couple of weeks had some spring-like weather), it made me realize that maybe some things had to die or decay in order for new life to grow. But I also need to remember where I came from, who I am, what I've done, and how I got here. I cannot afford to just discard my past and act as if none of what has transpired over these past 20 years had nothing to do with the new dawn and the new day that I am walking into.

The old is gone, and yes it is very nostalgic in remembering all of the great times I had and all of the great memories I had made, but it's okay. This is why being grateful and thankful for everything you get and everything you experience is crucial. You never know how long something is going to last and the moment you start getting complacent and take it all for granted is when you're going to lose it all and then you'll only feel sorrow for the loss. You'll only feel bad about everything and that will turn into anger that cannot be directed anywhere else.

I find myself angry because I had lost so many good things over these past few months. I know that the change of the number on the calendar doesn't really signify much or anything really, but I had thought that "2020 was going to be my year". To find new places and new adventures that would become some of the greatest experiences of my life. And yes, I have found some interesting experiences that I would not have yet gotten if everything had gone "according to plan". I can't discredit everything that I have learned or gotten to know over these few months of change.

At the end of the day, I realize that some of the things I had "lost" are not truly lost unless I deem it to be. That just because something didn't "go according to plan" doesn't mean that that is the end for me. That there is still something more for me. I want to try my best to be more optimistic and have more hope in the world for everything that I have come to know, everything I have known, and everything that I have yet to know.

I keep saying to myself, "it's a new dawn and a new day that I walk into", yet I linger in the past and I stagnate myself in the angers and sorrows of only seeing everything as lost. I know that I need to maintain hope. That I need to maintain a level of hope that makes it so that there's something to work towards. I need to make sure that my true hope and satisfaction is placed and found in something that has always been there, is there, and always will be there for me: God. I know that for me to have placed my hope into something that is on earth was unfair of me and my rash reactions because of it has led to my own demise.

Maybe this is a wake up call. Maybe this is my time to actually get up, brush myself off, and grow as I was supposed to grow. To become more thankful and grateful for everything and everyone who has crossed paths with me. To learn to just enjoy everything when it happens. To know that I can be at peace no matter where I go, what happens to me, or what changes in and around me.

There is a hope I want to come to know. There is a life that I wish for. There is a God I want to trust more. All of this is a growth that I need to make. I have had some things in my life that I had gotten comfortable with removed and changed about me and my lifestyle, so now I need to just be thankful for the things that have happened, and grow from it. I also need to humble myself so as to remember where I was in comparison to where I am now and wherever I will be in the future. To know that it takes work, hope, faith, and trust to get to where I need to, and none of it was accomplished solely of my own hand.

It is now spring. And with that, I need to spring forwards into life, with a positive and optimistic outlook, even when it becomes so easy to view everything negatively and pessimistic.

One step at a time, and one day at a time.

God Only Knows [Meditation]

I feel like I want to make some blog posts focused on meditating on words, Scripture, song lyrics, etc., just anything that can be encouraging and help in day to day lifestyle. Henceforth, I shall add the [Meditation] to the end of the post's title to let you know in case you (the reader) want to use the blog search function and find other similar posts.

That being said, tonight I want to meditate upon the words of for KING & COUNTRY's song "God Only Knows".

This song is powerful. It serves as a reminder that no matter what you've been through, no matter what you're going through, no matter what you will go through, God knew it, knows about it, and already knows about it all. That while circumstances and life may all the sudden throw curveballs into your life and then things go upside down, He hasn't forsaken nor forgotten you yet, and He will not forget nor forsake you ever. There's nothing you could ever do to push God away. His love is greater than any love you could ever find or experience on Earth, and the amount of love He shows is almost unfathomable to our relatively basic human minds in comparison to His mind.

Times these days are getting confusing, a lot of people say it's the end times and the world's end is upon us. That this is going to lead into the apocalypse and it will really become survival of the fittest. Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't. What I want to focus on is that God has a plan and He's never surrendered authority before anything the world bends their knee to.

What's also great about the song for tonight's post is that if you're feeling a world of hurt, or feel alone because you feel that no one really knows how you feel about any given situation, God knows everything and is there to support you through everything.

Like the previous post regarding the song "joy.", I will provide a link to the music video for either you to watch, or just to listen to as you read along to the lyrics, which I will also provide:

https://youtu.be/Q5cPQg3oq-o

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin'
Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreamin'
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you
Every day you try to pick up all the pieces
All the memories, they somehow never leave you
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it's killing you
But there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows

There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love

You keep a cover over every single secret
So afraid if someone saw them they would leave
But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you
Somebody, somebody will never leave you

God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it's killing you
But there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows

There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love
There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love

For the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
What if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over
Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
What if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over
'Cause there's a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
But there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows

There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love
There's a kind of love that
There's a kind of love

God only knows where to find you
God only knows how to break through
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows

These are powerful lyrics. Lyrics that are inspiring and can help you find your calm in the storm. To know that the all powerful God of the universe is on your side and is there to be your support system. Know that you never have to face any of life's struggles or sudden life changes alone. That God is there for you, and He also provides people on earth to help you really feel the connection and the support.

I know that for myself, while I watched my world flip upside down over these past 2-3 months, that I had friends who helped me through it. To help me grow and realize my mistakes. To realize that God is still sovereign and will forever be sovereign. And these are all connections I wouldn't have made without God working in the background for all these years. Seemingly strange quirks or interests about me brought me connections I will forever be thankful for. And it's something you never would have expected. But that's awe-inspiring because over all the years, God has been working this for my good, and He has always been good.

So as you move along with your life, know that God knows what you're going through and will be there for you. Just cast your cares, your worries, your pains, your everything upon Him. He will be your strength and your rock. You can trust Him for anything you may be going through right now.

Go forth into a new dawn, with the assurance that God is working all things for each and every one of our good.