Springtime

Today is the first day of spring for 2020. And I felt inspired by it to write the following. So let's jump in then.

As you may know, the year has 4 seasons. In different seasons you have different patterns for how that flora and fauna of the earth move and grow. Each season even has its own patterns for different plants to grow and different animals to move about.

So as I was thinking this morning, we just left the wintertime. And typically leading up to the winter, plants and animals go into hibernation to brave the cold weather and reduced sunlight levels and they become dormant. Some things die in the process, but that's okay because that's simply the circle of life. Things will be born or created, and they will run their lifetime until they eventually reach the end and die and decay.

The death is not so sad though, as it leads to making room for new growth. Whether the old becomes fertilizer for the new, or if the old makes way for new growths and then even more new at those new ends, there is always an ebb and a flow. It's quite beautiful when you think about it.

Anyways, I have noticed that lately I've been passive aggressive towards my situation and my circumstances. I blame the whole year for not being good and not giving me what I had thought was almost promised to me. From a potential relationship with someone I came to love, to losing friendships over miscommunication and immature responses and reactions, to losing the ability to practice an art that I had loved for at least a couple of weeks. I shake my fist at the air, but I don't know who I'm blaming. Am I blaming God for this? But that would not be wise as God has the ability to provide and to take away just as much. He always has the right plans in store for me, I just don't see it. Nonetheless, that's not a reason to get angry at Him. So who do I blame? Who am I getting angry at?

But as the winter has now officially shifted into spring (since these past couple of weeks had some spring-like weather), it made me realize that maybe some things had to die or decay in order for new life to grow. But I also need to remember where I came from, who I am, what I've done, and how I got here. I cannot afford to just discard my past and act as if none of what has transpired over these past 20 years had nothing to do with the new dawn and the new day that I am walking into.

The old is gone, and yes it is very nostalgic in remembering all of the great times I had and all of the great memories I had made, but it's okay. This is why being grateful and thankful for everything you get and everything you experience is crucial. You never know how long something is going to last and the moment you start getting complacent and take it all for granted is when you're going to lose it all and then you'll only feel sorrow for the loss. You'll only feel bad about everything and that will turn into anger that cannot be directed anywhere else.

I find myself angry because I had lost so many good things over these past few months. I know that the change of the number on the calendar doesn't really signify much or anything really, but I had thought that "2020 was going to be my year". To find new places and new adventures that would become some of the greatest experiences of my life. And yes, I have found some interesting experiences that I would not have yet gotten if everything had gone "according to plan". I can't discredit everything that I have learned or gotten to know over these few months of change.

At the end of the day, I realize that some of the things I had "lost" are not truly lost unless I deem it to be. That just because something didn't "go according to plan" doesn't mean that that is the end for me. That there is still something more for me. I want to try my best to be more optimistic and have more hope in the world for everything that I have come to know, everything I have known, and everything that I have yet to know.

I keep saying to myself, "it's a new dawn and a new day that I walk into", yet I linger in the past and I stagnate myself in the angers and sorrows of only seeing everything as lost. I know that I need to maintain hope. That I need to maintain a level of hope that makes it so that there's something to work towards. I need to make sure that my true hope and satisfaction is placed and found in something that has always been there, is there, and always will be there for me: God. I know that for me to have placed my hope into something that is on earth was unfair of me and my rash reactions because of it has led to my own demise.

Maybe this is a wake up call. Maybe this is my time to actually get up, brush myself off, and grow as I was supposed to grow. To become more thankful and grateful for everything and everyone who has crossed paths with me. To learn to just enjoy everything when it happens. To know that I can be at peace no matter where I go, what happens to me, or what changes in and around me.

There is a hope I want to come to know. There is a life that I wish for. There is a God I want to trust more. All of this is a growth that I need to make. I have had some things in my life that I had gotten comfortable with removed and changed about me and my lifestyle, so now I need to just be thankful for the things that have happened, and grow from it. I also need to humble myself so as to remember where I was in comparison to where I am now and wherever I will be in the future. To know that it takes work, hope, faith, and trust to get to where I need to, and none of it was accomplished solely of my own hand.

It is now spring. And with that, I need to spring forwards into life, with a positive and optimistic outlook, even when it becomes so easy to view everything negatively and pessimistic.

One step at a time, and one day at a time.