Impossible Anger Strangling The Grief

As I do when I'm bored, I re-watch clips of scenes throughout the Dark Knight trilogy. Hence why the title is yet again a Batman reference, but this time from the first movie, Batman Begins rather than from Dark Knight or Dark Knight Rises as I normally would use.

The scene in which Bruce Wayne is training in the mountains with the League of Shadows and unbeknownst to him, training with Ra's al Ghul, they have a conversation after a sparring bout with swords on the ice.

Scene here

Upon talking with him, Ra's claims that Bruce is stronger than his father Thomas. Bruce says that Ra's doesn't know his father, to which Ra's explains by saying, "...but I know the rage that drives you: that impossible anger strangling the grief until the memory of your loved ones just poison in your veins. Then one day you catch yourself wishing the person you loved had never existed, so you'll be spared your pain."

As I have made and continue to make parallels between Bruce Wayne's life and my own, well more specifically the artistically written Bruce Wayne throughout Christopher Nolan's trilogy anyhow, I realize that sometimes I do fit the description that Ra's has described to Bruce.

Some days, I am inexplicably angry at the world. Some days I just am so angry that 2020 has not been "my year" that everything was leading up to something great in the end of 2019, and was supposed to blossom in 2020, yet now as evidence would support it did not. Maybe this was all partially my fault. Obviously as far as the academic standing, that was my fault for not realizing the true weight of the consequences from procrastination and poor time management skills. But then there's also the fault of enabling S when she had initially started with the "I love you". I had enabled her because I felt so many good feelings, and I can remember that night she said it vividly. Where I was, what I was wearing, the time of day, etc. I remember lying in my lofted bed, in room 306 of the Circle building 25. I remember wearing shorts and a t-shirt to bed because the A/C had long since been turned off. It was late Monday, December 4th, going into Tuesday, December 5th. She had her hall's Christmas formal and posted her outfit on her Instagram story, with the caption "I don't know how to take cute pics". And I had complimented her saying that any pic that she was in is a cute pic just because it had her in it. It led to a chain of messages ultimately leading to her saying "I love you" using the emoji that resembles the ASL sign for the same phrase.

Don't get me wrong, I eventually did come to learn what it meant to love another. I mean I know how to love and I do love my family. I love my friends from a platonic standpoint, but no one have I ever loved romantically. I came to love S with all my heart, and everything was feeling amazing. Every moment with her since finding out she liked me, and then she even came to love me. It was such a good feeling.

But as you can see, things have changed. I didn't return to school due to academic suspension. I couldn't be there for her and be with her for even another couple of months before the whole coronavirus pandemic. Things went sour quickly because of my own immaturity and poor reaction to the news that she felt God telling her that we were to live separate lives.

There were blog posts (I think), where I mentioned I effectively went through the 5 psychological stages of grief through that time period. (Actually I'm not so sure on if those posts exist because I wrote so many posts during February, but just in case you didn't know, part of the 5 stages of grief is anger). I definitely experienced anger as I had tried initially processing the news. I had suspected as much as she had grown distant in the text messages because she had wanted to tell me how she felt things were going, but was afraid of how I would react. She was right in her fears, and I'm full of regret for showing her how immature I was and could be.

So I find that that anger still exists to an extent. That I still do try choking out the sadness for what I keep perceiving as I have lost. It's like the movie says, "...impossible anger strangling the grief."

I suppose I do count S as among my loved ones, but then the memories of her sometimes leads to the grief and then my anger flares as a realization of what could have been different had I just been better in multiple areas of my life. If not the academic side of things, then in my reactions. That anger feels like it is poisoning me. That I just sometimes wish, and I do feel bad that it happens, that S never came into my life. That I need not even have worried about catching feelings for her, having these memories with her, and now the sadness of not having more memories with her. I know I speak about trying to be optimistic in it all and just be glad I even have those memories, but some days it's just really hard and I don't know what to do that my illogical side just decides to take over and be angry.

I feel bad that this is another parallel I make. But I wonder sometimes how different things would have been.

It's a tough path that I walk. It's littered with coping methods that are un-Christ-like, ungodly, unholy, ill ways of dealing with circumstances. I know I need to stray away from those darker pathways. It's definitely been so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I even have the strength to press on. Sometimes I wonder if I even have the endurance to keep on going.

I need help. I know not where I can get it. I know I just gotta keep trying to pray and draw closer to God, but I sometimes fall to the human nature of things, in the uncertainty and the unknowing of how God can answer or feeling His presence.

I don't want to be angry at anything. I don't want to grieve over these memories. I just want to be able to enjoy them. To cherish them. To think fondly of those times and be glad they are memories I can think of. I never again want to have even for a split second a wish that S didn't exist in my life. That's not fair and not cool. I want to be glad that she is my friend. That we had great times together.

I don't want to be negative, toxic, pessimistic, or anything of that sort anymore.

I need help.