So naturally, I've been following the subreddit r/batman. Wow. Never would've seen that one coming, right? I mean the guy who talks so much about Batman, spent money creating his own Batsuit, and even renamed the blog from "Geoff's Unfiltered Thoughts" to "Into Vengeance. Into the Night. Into Batman", totally hates the Dark Knight, right?
Anyways, there was this cool poster/picture designed by a guy named Julien Rico Jr. It was designed after the Christopher Nolan Dark Knight trilogy, and honestly, once again I am making parallels between Bruce Wayne and myself. (Wow what a crazed fanatic).
These are very simplistic looking, but it fits so well. And here's why:
First off, I'll briefly explain the designs, then I'll go into detail on how it relates to me. "Begins" is when Bruce first became the Batman, having to stop the criminal underworld and stop Scarecrow and Ra's al Ghul from destroying Gotham. "Falls" is in relation to just over a year of Batman being in Gotham and putting fear into the criminals as Gotham's protector. It's when Bruce had to make tough choices in fighting Joker and his plans to bring anarchy to Gotham and create villains like Two-Face. In the end, Bruce had to make a sacrifice that only Jim Gordon knew the truth to. The Dark Knight has fallen and is a hero turned away from grace and stained in the public's eye. No longer was he the hero the people thought they needed. Finally, "Rises" is when Bruce took time away from Batman (storywise, 8 years) and then finds ways to rise above and beyond his fallen state. To become more than he was before and once again be the hero Gotham needs and deserves.
So where do I stand in all of this? Well, brace yourselves for the long story.
My beginning as the Liberty Batman. I had started mostly out of spite and my own immaturity. I had been making fun of a mutual who people in my friend group didn't like. I had been hypocritical by saying the mutual only talks about or likes one thing, and yet I was doing the same thing, but with Batman. I had kept making references to my physical training as training to be the Batman. Stuff like that. My friends played along for a bit by saying they were equivalent to certain characters from the Dark Knight's rogues gallery. At some point though, I did become too obsessive over it. Side story that's not currently relevant for right now.
So one point someone says I would never be the Batman and I'm some obsessed guy over it. I took it too harshly and then out of spite I created the Liberty Batman by saying I am the Batman despite anything they said of me. After creation though, I tried to push myself and become more than anything I've been before. To be a better friend, to be like the Batman inspiring hope and being someone people can turn to when they need someone to talk to, etc.
It blossomed into some of the best things I could have ever asked for. I got the best of friend groups, and we've made the best of memories. I will forever be thankful for the people who were a part of it, and I will forever regret ever pushing them away. I hope that some day I can be with them again. It was an incredible time playing as another vigilante so to speak on Liberty's campus, similar to how we had the Crimson Ninja, or the LU Spider-man.
In the time that has passed since that decision, I had for better or for worse slowly started re-entering my more crude phase, and going back to where I was before Batman. I still managed to learn a lot about life, but at what cost? What did I sacrifice? I sacrificed morals and values. I had gone back to devices that brought ruin upon me and it still plagues me. But I had let it run amok; out of control whereas before I at least had some semblance of control. I had cast out my friends who I had come to call family. I had burned bridges that were built either over a long time, or through being open and honest and vulnerable. I destroyed everything I had once stood for, valued, and created with my fantasy of becoming Batman. Maybe my version of Batman wasn't tarnished in the public's eye, but it was tarnished in my own eye. The eye that had mattered to me the most. I had become the very thing I swore to destroy.
I'm still paying the price for my actions, for the burning of bridges, for the lack of academic success, for the pain I've caused people, the trust I have broken in those who have had a hard time trusting guy friends because of abuse of trust from a past person. At this point, I very much could just give up on anything and anyone from my past. I could suck it up and drown out the sorrows through means the secular world could provide. I could compromise myself and my morals to make it past and drop an iron curtain that will shield me from the past. But then what would that say of me, as not only a man, but as a child of God? As a man who strives to be the leader he was designed to be? What does it say about everything I've done, and all that I am if I just turn away now and forget everyone and everything in my past 20 years of life?
That brings us to here. To "Rises". It's a process I am partaking in now. Sure it hasn't been 8 years since my fall, but it doesn't have to be and that's the beauty of it. Everyone has their life, their plans, their design as God made it. Not everyone follows the exact plan as a friend or coworker or colleague, etc. Some people achieve things sooner than others. Others will achieve things later and that's okay.
What I'm trying to say is that I am rising. It is time for me to return to my previous values I had created and upheld as my own version and interpretation of the Dark Knight. I'm taking the space I need to clear my head and set things straight. I am taking steps to remember where I came from, where I was, and where I once set my sights upon. I am remembering who I am, and what I am worth. I am realizing that my end is not here and not now, even as I perceive 2020 to be among the worst years of my life. I need to heed my own choosing of words and realize that there is more for me yet. That just because everything did not go according to plan for this year that I am doomed and my future is gone.
Just because my plans of a relationship, my plans of a potential passion, my plans of life after college, or anything else went upside down, keel towards the sky, that my life is not over. That this is all a part of the race that has been set out before me. That I need to run it with perseverance. That I need to choose joy, burn my ships, trust that God only knows my past, my present, and my future. That it's not over yet.
So yes, I'm not exactly rising back up yet. I'm not ready yet to once again become the Batman and uphold values I had when I was Batman. That I must work on myself in this time of isolation, of quarantine even. That when I am ready and when the next test of my life and of my faith arises, that I will be ready and strong enough to fight it all head on. That I know I have a God who I can trust when things are stretching me thin.
This is my beginning. My rebirth. This is the reawakening of my dying fire inside of me. This is the spark to a new blaze that will burn brighter than ever before. This is where my light will shine brighter and reach farther than any light I have had before.
And I know the road will not be smooth. I know that sometimes the road will get bumpy and I will have to face dark times, moments of sadness and regret, and reminiscing over past memories. But I know that I just have to be as optimistic as possible. To just be thankful and grateful for the experiences and the memories. To strive ever upwards.
One day, and I don't know when but I know it's coming, I will rise. I will rise as the Knight I once was. To rise up and leave behind my state of being a Fallen Knight. To cast off the only thing I ever should have cast off: my fallen state. This is where I can begin anew. To step into a new dawn and into a new day. Into a new life even. I have a support system that can carry me through. I have the God of the universe on my side. And that's all I need. To find my hope and my satisfaction in the Lord Almighty, and everything will work together for my good and His glory.
It's time to make the climb.
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