Fallen Knight

I feel like in this time of self-isolation to examine myself and work on healing, that I am a knight, fallen from his place. I feel like there have been days recently in which I run away from who I am, from who I could be, from the places I need to be and the places I need to go. That I'm disregarding everything of what defines me, in favor of "protecting" myself for just a little bit. In reality, that "protection" only lasts for so long before I am brought back in front of whatever I have been running from. That I will eventually have to face my fears and my doubts. To face my pains and sorrows until I finally deal with them properly.

If you haven't noticed yet, I'm a big fan of the Batman. I even took on the mantle of the Bat for the greater part of the past year. Not a long time, but a significant chunk of time, being about 5% of my total lifespan thus far. During this time, I had made memories, I had grown, I had taken strides to become larger than myself, to do more good and to serve others more. I had intentionally tried to become a leader instead of just a follower. I had tried to make sure I was ready and able to sacrifice for my friends. Whether or not I did actually sacrifice for them is not up for me to decide. If anyone who is my friend reads this, they'll know what I'm talking about, and if I'm mistaken, they can correct me.

Another thing I am a pretty big fan of is Star Wars. I think I've rarely mentioned it, maybe not even at all. All I do know is I made a post for when I bought the Fallen Order game. That will have some importance in a moment.

Before I continue, here's a minor spoiler alert for Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order in case you are planning to play the game or are playing the game. Proceed with caution.

So at some point in the game, the main character, Cal Kestis, reveals that he had run away from his training as a Jedi Padawan. That he had disconnected himself mostly from the Force, and was choosing to just hide out his life from the Empire by pretending to not be Force-sensitive. In doing so, he almost succeeds.... Almost.

At one point he is forced (pun intended) back into the ways of the Jedi and way down the line, he actually gets the induction as a fully-fledged Jedi Knight. Upon this happening, the following words are said to him: "Rise, Jedi Knight".

I don't know about you, but there was something really cool about that line. Maybe it's because for the longest time, I had liked anything medieval with swords and armor, and then that led into liking titles and knighthoods and everything (which probably has some underlying effect on why I like Batman so much because he is, after all, the Dark Knight). Maybe it's especially cool to me this year because with the new Star Wars area in Disney, Galaxy's Edge, and with the known fact of our family vacation this year is going to Disney and also exploring the Galaxy's Edge (not to mention on my birthday) excites me more and more. We'll be doing their lightsaber building activity, and trying out drinks at Oga's Cantina. So you could say that I want to be like the Jedi Knights.

Also, as I am 100% certain I have mentioned multiple times on this blog, about Bruce Wayne's fall from being the Dark Knight to him rising back up to the mantle to be the hero that Gotham deserves. So now we're playing on two fields and two different angles that maybe could be used as encouragement to get me back to where I need to be.

So I find myself running, and I won't lie, it works for coping, at least for a few moments to as long as a few days. But then the pain comes back and then I remember why I was running in the first place. My first and natural instinct is to once again run away. In hopes of finally outrunning the pain and the sorrow so that I may finally escape. But it will never be that way if I merely run.

What I need to do, and as I hope I am doing, is to face the pain head on. To take time to myself in some form of isolation, and face the fear. Face the pain, face the sorrow, face the very thing I am running from all the time. I can never heal if I am always running away. I know that not every fight has to be fought and sometimes running away is indeed for the better, but this is one of those fights I need to fight.

I feel like I am a fallen knight. Fallen from grace, fallen from glory.

But I feel like there is also a pathway to redemption. To restoration. To healing. To becoming more and soaring high above these past few months of pain, suffering, sorrow, etc. That I can be more and I can rise back to where I was and then take it the next step further and forge myself stronger than ever before.

I am glad I finally realized this. That I finally am taking steps that are no longer just running away. That I am facing it head on. The first step was to stop pretending like everything was okay once I managed to re-establish relatively daily communication with S. I will be taking some time away from her just so I can heal my heart and heal my mind. Not to say that any of the pain is her fault, but I have to re-center myself so as to not confuse anything and to just be at peace with the friendship I have with her.

It's time for me to rise. To get back into the world. To rise back up to the Dark Knight. To rise up and be like the Jedi Knights. I tried to cast away my mantles and the ways I had used to push myself higher and higher, striving towards something greater than myself. But as it would seem, that only works for so long. So I will return to my Dark Knight mantle someday. And I will truly rise.

P.S. These are gifs of the respective sequences. When Cal Kestis is promoted to Jedi Knight and he rises up after being knighted, and when Bruce Wayne returns to Gotham in "Dark Knight Rises", and he has Commissioner Gordon ignite a trail of flammable liquid that creates a burning bat-symbol on a bridge, for all of Gotham to see and for all of Gotham to regain hope.