Operation: Healing & Restoration

I finally took the first step to ensuring my healing process. And honestly I'm happy with how it all went down anyways.

So as you may know, I'm still oddly harboring feelings for S, and it's probably going to reach a point in which it's not healthy and becoming toxic. Yes, I'm allowed to take time to deal with the heartbreak (that I'm pretty sure I caused myself, just to establish where the blame falls, it's on me), but I shouldn't be taking forever to deal with it.

The first preliminary step was the restoration of the friendship. But I don't really see that as the first step because it's a step that maybe I wanted out of the wants of my feelings. Feelings or not, I'm glad I was able to at least restore the friendship to some degree.

I had originally thought that that was going to be all I needed to restore my heart and heal myself. But evidently I was wrong in that assumption. I realize that by texting S as often as I do, sending her tiktoks, memes, etc., I am creating a re-establishment of how the way things were before the fallout. It's not like the open and flowing communication is a bad thing, but I think it's not exactly helping me douse the feelings and move on properly as just friends.

It was a step I had been considering for a little while, but given the fact that I had already once pushed her away, I didn't want it to sound like I was pushing her away again. I need her as my friend because I don't have many friends, and it wasn't right of me to ever push her away in the first place. I want to make sure I never fall back to my mistakes. To remember history and not forget it, lest I be doomed to repeat it.

So I texted her today, explaining how I had an idea that maybe it was because of my relatively frequent contact with her was keeping the feelings alive. And that I needed to make sure I properly heal and move on before continuing that kind of communication. Luckily, or I guess as I had hoped, she took it well and understood where I was coming from. She said it was admirable of me to want to make sure I heal and move on before I get caught up and let my hopes get too high or my feelings really re-attach to her. She also said for me to take as much time as I needed.

I don't know how much time I'll need to take, but I'm just glad that she is understanding. I know I need to make more efforts to healing and restoring myself, but this feels like a good step one. Whenever I feel like I have comfortably extinguished the feelings and feel like I can move on, I'll reach out to her.

I guess does that mean I cut off all communication with her? I'm not sure. I guess I could always just maintain something like the Snapchat streaks or something, but we'll see. Hopefully I can heal and move on towards growth and towards developing and refining myself.