I feel I missed out on a crucial part of my life. Not only in pursuing a degree to elevate my education to a new level, but also the social aspect. This time of life, the 18 to 22 year old chunk of time is when most people develop themselves and have fun. Not to say I can't go back to college ever, but I would feel out of place being older than my contemporaries if I do go back. I know there's nothing wrong with it. I know that there's no cookie cutter formula for how your life should go. Some coworkers of mine didn't even finish high school. Some did college, some didn't, some are doing college, so it's clear that everyone is at different stages of life at different ages. Some are at the same stage of life at different ages. So it's not entirely unfathomable.
But for me, I just envision that life goes a certain way, and now that it's not going that way, I feel lost. I also feel like I missed out on so much because the friends I've made at Liberty have been some of the best ever. The memories I made through friend groups, hall events, bro/sis dorm events, etc., have been the best. I loved it because everyone was doing things for fun, no one was doing anything with an agenda, and we proved that fun can be had without being blackout drunk or high or otherwise compromising ourselves. I don't know, it just felt good and it felt right.
At the same time, thanks to the COVID-19 strain of the coronavirus, a lot of people are choosing to stay home for the rest of this semester. I don't know what the decision process or deciding factors are when it comes to that given I haven't been there for any of this semester, but I'd imagine it changes everything. The student body disappearing for half a semester, and a lot of my friends stepping away would have changed a lot. So even if I were a student there, my time would be cut short. A lot of things would change and then I'd be in a similar situation as I am now, just 2 months later than how everything has happened.
If I'm being honest, part of these feelings stem from just a bunch of "what-if's" and hypothetical questions that I will probably never get the answers to. And if you know at all, you can tell where this is going. I don't know if I should write it because I don't know if she checks my blog, but here I go:
I wonder what would happen if I had returned this semester rather than be home. A potential relationship, or at least chances to be together for 2 months, going places, doing things, spending time, maybe doing homework, cuddling, hugging each other, holding hands maybe, I don't know. Then what would happen now? She's staying home for the rest of this semester. Had I been at school, I wouldn't have been working and wouldn't have the money to be able to go visit her or anything like that, well at least not yet. And if anything I would see her next semester, so with everything up in the air, I'd have to maintain a long distance relationship for 5 months before the next physical get together? See? A lot of hypothetical questions. Questions I won't get answers to because I know I should just move on and not even worry about these questions.
Whatever the case is, I just feel like I missed out on a lot of things, lost a lot of things, and could have had a lot of things. But at the same time as my previous post states, I can grow from my failures and my shortcomings. There are chances for me to grow.
So, like the tiktok trend says: It is what it is.
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