I haven't really watched the series in its entirety because my family watched it mostly when I was at Liberty, but I caught whatever I could here and there.
Tonight we decided to watch some of the episodes we have saved on our DVR (or cloud saving, whatever YouTubeTV uses) and then there were lines that don't help with my feelings of being torn apart and just my feelings in general.
If you read the last post, I'm torn between holding on to past feelings and trying to move on. I know which way I want to go, but there are hopes of a "not yet/not now" rather than a straight out "no", even though I heard how S says she feels God calling different lives for the both of us.
It doesn't help that the episode of God Friended Me had lines of "if she is really the right girl, she'll come back into your life at some point". This was to encourage the main character because he too was going through emotional stresses/pains/relationship endings and such. Basically a similar situation to mine, where he wants the relationship to work, but circumstances are making it so that it won't work.
See those kinds of lines are inspiring to press on and to keep faith and keep hope, but I don't know nor do I think it is wise for me to keep hope that I can one day still get my chance with S. But then I also partially want to believe it because of seeing how COVID-19 brought the end of residential life on campus early, so that brings up those hypothetical questions I wrote in a different post.
If I'm being honest, yes, I do want a relationship with her. Yes, I still have some level of feelings for her. I don't know what I should do to work on moving on, if that means limiting contact or interactions with her just for a bit to recollect myself. But then I also want to be her friend (and I have hopes of one day being her best friend again) so that means as a friend, I shouldn't just space out. I guess I could always tell her and I'm sure she would understand.
This is hard. I know what I should probably be doing, I don't know what exactly I should be doing. Actually, I guess I should just be praying about it. Pray for God to take it all and do as He wants to with it all. Because at the end of the day, if He wants it, He'll make it happen. If He wants me to move on, I'm pretty certain that He will help me shake these feelings and be at peace with just maintaining a platonic friendship as He works me towards whatever and whoever He has in His plans for me.
I guess I should be praying more, shouldn't I? Not just because of this, but to keep an open communication with my Father since He wants to be my friend too.
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