After the realization of what the fallout had done as a result of my immature and rash behavior, actions, and words, I noticed that driving a wedge between friends was not the optimal decision. I mean it never really is an optimal decision. Even if someone wrongs you to any extent (with few exceptions) we are called to forgive their trespasses as our trespasses against the Lord are forgiven. Side note, I do say with few exceptions but I'm talking extreme cases, such as serious damage beyond repair instances, but most times we should try to forgive anyways and trust God in all things. I digress.
After cooling off, I had quickly come to my senses and noticed what I had so readily thrown away because I wasn't taking perceived "bad news" that well. That was on me for putting so much hope into a person rather than putting that hope into Jesus Christ. All of my hope and satisfaction should be found in Him and not try to be found in any pretty girl or anyone really. So in an attempt to rebuild friendships, I was scrambling, trying so hard to find a way back into people's lives when I had no right to be let back in. That I had been the one to push people away and I can't just push people away when I'm upset and get them back on demand or whenever it is convenient for me. That isn't right nor is it fair. I would end up using people for my benefit and they would always end up with the short end of the stick so to speak.
Luckily, and I am so blessed I was given a second chance and shown forgiveness as I really didn't deserve it, I got my friendship back that I had so desperately wanted. Maybe I am overdramatic in saying I have few friends, because maybe I only count those who I regularly talk to, even though I could name quite a few people who would call me their friend and would be by my side if all I did was reach out and ask. So I had thought that getting my friendship back with S was going to solve everything, or at least solve the hurts and the pains I had felt from the destruction in that fateful week in February. It didn't.
I found myself regrowing my feelings for her, thinking maybe it could work, maybe something would change and somehow things could align. It would take a miracle to get the stars to align, but it was something I had hoped for. As a result of that, I had started to become sad whenever I thought of memories of S and all the fond times I had with her towards the end of the Fall 2019 semester. At some point, I said enough was enough and decided to take that step to space away, since I needn't worry about not having her as a friend, and I can focus on rebuilding myself.
I'd say at this point my rebuilding is partially complete. Partially because there are things that still bring up memories and still make me feel heavy nostalgia, in a debatable not so good way. That I still feel the sadness, rather than joy in the fact I have these memories. I do feel more at peace with everything, but I still have a road to recovery and it's going to be a long haul before any of this actually surmounts to total healing.
For example, tonight, or rather technically last night, Friday, March 27th, I watched a livestream from for KING & COUNTRY, and at one point they featured a couple in the UK on a Facetime. I don't know how they decided those people since they seemed to just be fans, but that's beside the point. They had played an acoustic version of "Burn The Ships" and while they played it, the livestream also showed the view of the Facetime, showing the couple. The man was of some, I guess technically "minority" if I am to be politically correct, and the woman was a blonde (of course). While the man and I don't share the same ethnic background, my mind made a connection really quickly, perceiving it similar to any time in those last few weeks of when S and I would sit next to each other, leaning our heads on one another, just enjoying each other's presence and warmth.
Or then later, I had to move my car from sitting in front of our mailbox to the driveway (temporarily parked there because our driveway was occupied to check the tire pressure of another car). As I stepped outside around 11:25 p.m., the quietness and stillness of the night was almost spooky since we live close to a highway and normally you hear cars zipping down at 50, 60, 70 miles per hour. It seems to be too early in the year to have the nighttime bugs and insects making their noises as you would expect the chirping of crickets and cicadas during the summer. It was almost a dead silence. And I was walking to my car, which was only a hundred feet away? So what significance does all the details of a silent night and walking to the car have?
Well, early, and I mean early December 5th, I had gone out with S and a friend to originally Cook-Out but then last minute switch to Waffle House (see this for some more detail, but even that post is rather vague). After we dropped my friend off since he lives on East Campus, I tried to find parking somewhere, anywhere in South Campus where S and I lived. I couldn't. So I parked in the parking garage on main campus. We had to walk about a half mile or so, and the stillness of the night (well it was actually quite windy, but similar stillness sort of) caused me to have heightened alertness. Either that or I was loopy staying up for so long. Anyways, I got brought back to that night from something as simple as moving my car at a relatively late hour. And then I started reminiscing over that first hug S gave me after I had walked her back to her dorm.
So all in all, I still do a lot of memory connections and reminsicing over S and the fun times I had with her. A lot of it in high detail. Some of it I find hard to not get sad over. I just wish sometimes to go back and do things right. Get my academics in order, that way I could've avoided all the so called disasters of this year (well aside from coronavirus since that would have happened regardless if I returned for the spring semester or not).
I don't know if I need more time away from S or what. I don't know to what level or extent the friendship can survive since it would seem nigh impossible to make new memories in person given the 1,400 some odd miles in between us from now until the next semester, and even then 452 miles. I don't know why this one closer than friends relationship has got me so hung up, I mean we weren't even dating and even if you want to say we were, it wasn't even that long. Had it been a year or more, I could understand why it would take me a long time to heal, but almost 2 months to heal over something that wasn't officially a thing?
I don't want to be hard on myself and I don't want to become jaded or what have you towards S, but it's been hard. I wish I could have had that relationship with her, but I know I should put my full hope and satisfaction in God and trust His plan for everything in life, whether it be careers, day to day, relationships whether platonic or romantic, etc.
So this is where I'm at, and I'm sorry for putting you through such a long read. But I hope this shows some progress or something. I don't know who is reading this, but feel free to text me about it if you are a friend of mine. I don't know if S reads my blog anymore, but if she does, I don't know if she would text me about this since things seem odd because I just don't know what to talk about with her for now.
I suppose I could use a lot of prayer. I know I will need to pray myself, but if you read this, could you pray for my healing and pray for me to find God and feel His presence and hear His voice? That's something I am trying to discover so as to find where I am to go in life.
Thank you for reading all of this.
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