Heck, even last night my literal dream somehow I ended up back on Liberty's campus one last time, and in the dream, I texted her "hey I'm on campus, I was wondering if you were free so I could see you one last time". I haven't seen her since December 10th, and if nothing else, I miss seeing her because it just feels so hard and so difficult to be friends from such a distance. Don't get me wrong, I will hold onto and cherish any friendship I can get and am blessed to have, but it's just hard because I can't hang out with them, I can't make memories with them, or at least not easily.
Anyways, so there's that part of me that is stuck wishing for what I had lost and wishing for things to have been different. But I know I can't have that. I know there's no rewinding the clocks. There's no undo button on my mistakes both academically and relationally to how I treated my friends last month.
The part that's tearing at me is the part where I feel like I want to move on. Because I can't just linger on S forever. It's not fair to her and it wouldn't be fair to me to linger and never move on when life changes. I want to try to make new relationships, even platonic ones or I suppose potentially romantic ones. I don't know how or where I'm supposed to do that because I don't even see girls or people even that I can try doing that with. I don't know where I'm supposed to make friendships.
I want to get back out into the world. I want to put myself back out there. But I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. I don't think I've dealt with my previous feelings properly. I have all these hopes that shouldn't be there. I come up with all these questions that I can never get the answers to. I am stuck in a cycle of wanting to move on, then returning back to my past and my stagnation.
I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I am being torn apart. What do I do, where do I go?
Someone help.
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