Who Watches The Watchmen?

I think quite a few times now, I've wondered who is the person who views this blog. I only know that someone occasionally stops by because the site tracks traffic, and updates as new data is available. In this case, it will update me when a post gets new views (it also tracks comments too, but no comments have really been posted yet).

I have decided that I won't necessarily care anymore if anyone views this blog. If they want to view it, by all means. If not, then it's no big deal. There is simply no need for me to waste energy wondering who is the one viewing the posts if they will most likely never say anything to me, nor will I ever actually have a means of finding out anyways.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'll just continue to post and write as I have ideas. I don't really know why I still blog everyday, I guess it's just become a part of my habits that I feel a little off if I don't write a post. But I do know that sometimes it can be cathartic to just write out my thoughts and feelings. I guess it's almost like venting to someone, but seeing as I have committed actions and decisions on my own accord, I've limited the number of people who are willing to let me vent. So I shall write here and let whoever cares to listen (metaphorically).

To be honest, as the days go by, I feel tired some days and not inspired as much to write something. I'll try my best to keep my post each day, but if I don't post, I guess you'll know why, assuming anyone is here. If I ever do stop blogging, I'm leaving every single post available so that anyone who is curious enough to go digging through the past year and a half of my life, they can go right ahead. I have nothing more to hide, and I want to show that I have had horrible moments. To show that I was crude and still occasionally crude. To show my immaturity.

But to contrast it, I hope that I can show I learned from my mistakes. I know I don't always truly learn until I get burned again, but I do hope I can grow and really learn something as I write posts about it.

I leave you tonight with this.

Self Defense Or Hyper Aggression?

This is indeed a legitimate question because I need to know whether I am the one escalating or if it could be seen as self defense and in a ways "okay" for me to have done.

At work yesterday, one coworker (who side note shows that he's not exactly as mature as he initially portrays himself to be over time) claimed all day he wasn't feeling well and suspected it was food poisoning. A little odd that you're here at work then, especially working in the food industry. But it was no matter it seemed to have been a bluff. He didn't end up doing anything productive at work and both the general manager and the assistant manager saw and took note of it. Even another coworker, who I thought wouldn't be easily agitated or even react as much, took note of it.

Anyways, his laziness aside, there came a point in the day where I was finishing dressing a sub, and I hear him somehow get to the topic about some martial arts throw whilst talking to the assistant manager and the general manager. For a moment I had considered mentioning a much easier and theoretically more effective throw given my training and knowledge, but I had decided against it. This coworker then proceeds to I assume jokingly/playfully start reaching his arm around my neck, as if he wanted to go for a choke hold from the rear. Now I guess I should state that earlier that day, for fun I had tried to test his reflexes and threw but held back a gut punch. Almost like an attempt to get him to flinch. He didn't react.

The reason I point that out is to just state that maybe because I did that he thought his following actions were okay to play around with. Or maybe he forgot, I don't know.

All that I do know is that as I saw his right forearm near my neck, and then him starting to move towards my rear, I reached up with my right hand and pulled downwards on his arm, to deter him from getting the choke hold. Now I know that most likely he didn't intend to actually try choking me while there were at least 2 other witnesses, but even playing/goofing around, anything to do with the neck can easily become a high damaging accident. As I tug his arm away from my neck and more towards my chest (where there is less likely chance of injury for me), I simply say to him, "you don't want to do that."

Now maybe I am being cocky or arrogant in my training, because I am certainly out of practice given the COVID-19 pandemic, but I would like to hope I still retain something.

He proceeds to stop his choke hold attempt and says, "nah, Geoff wouldn't even bother with this, he'd take his knife and stick it in my gut." He proceeded to pull my pocket knife out of my, well, pocket and held onto it.

Okay, okay maybe I shouldn't have been so careless to casually have alerted my coworkers to the weapon I essentially carry on me everyday, but I use it for breaking down boxes/opening deliveries, so they would have found out anyways. That and if you know what a pocket knife looks like, you can easily tell someone is carrying one if you see that clip on the outside of the pocket.

Back to the story.

At this point, once my knife was taken out of my pocket, I had no knowledge of if my coworker knew how to open the blade, and this is where either high aggression/self defense comes into play. I had not really been watching his position exactly sinve I was on the clock and I was busy doing a task for work. Once he had my knife, maybe some paranoia kicked in but my first reaction was to pick up the serrated knife (a bread knife) and point it in my coworkers direction. Now we had two guys, with knives, and things could very quickly and very easily get ugly. Shortly after I picked up the knife off the counter, the general manager said, "stop it, give Geoff his knife back."

So I got my knife back, I put the bread knife down, and that was the end of that flurry of actions. Was I justified in picking up the knife and pointing it in his direction? Or am I being overly aggressive/hostile? I know that my fake out punch might have come across as giving a greenlight to horseplay, but I don't think horseplay includes taking knives out of other people's pockets. You could go for those choke holds within reason, I suppose. But please don't reach into my pocket and expect me to stand idle.

Was I too aggressive in that? I mean, I know the sharpness of my own blade, and while the bread knife lacks a point, it can cut deep and be dangerous too. Maybe I was too ready to jump into action so that it's not really self defense and in fact I become the aggressor.

I guess I'm lucky and glad I didn't have to see what happens next once we both had knives, but man that was a moment I didn't think I would experience at work.

Confidence Is Key

I would think that in a time of trying to discover how to heal and move on, that rebuilding my own confidence in myself, whether that be in how I think, how I feel, how I act, etc., it's just important. I need to make sure I feel good about how I feel emotionally, feel good about how I feel mentally, and to feel good about how I feel physically.

I think after going through literal years of torment and torture of bullying because of body image that the way I see myself in the mirror or in pictures with lesser clothing (such as swim trunks only or right out of the shower, don't take that statement out of context) really has a strong effect on my mental health. That effect can be either positive or negative. Negative in that if I don't like the way I look, I start feeling bad for myself and have moments of just giving up and saying to myself, "who cares what I look like, no one wants me this way". It's tough some days, but then there is the exact and complete opposite on days that I feel good.

On the days I feel good about my physique and how my body looks, I feel amazing. I feel like I am unstoppable and untouchable. Well, obviously I am not that way, but for the moment, it feels so good and I feel powerful. Take today for example: I have now concluded 2 weeks of a new exercise regimen that is a 5 consecutive day exercise pattern after my days at work (already spent on my feet) to help me get back in shape after quite literally 6 months off. I know my body has the capabilities to get back to my peak I hit back in October, and with relative ease because muscle memory and just retraining is supposed to be easier, at least I had read somewhere.

I know I'm not the most buff or most cut guy, meaning I don't have the biggest muscles or most defined six pack or anything, but I just feel good about this. Maybe I'm too into myself, but I feel like there has been progress in the past two weeks. Maybe I'm just seeing things, but who knows. It's not the most intense regimen, but it's designed to keep me motivated because it is not terribly intense, but it's good enough to recondition.

I mean check this out. I know that the water decreases the load, but I still felt a level of difficulty. Maybe with more work put into working out, I will get stronger and feel even better about myself.

Anyways, that's all. I just wanted to make one post that is good. One post that is more positive energy than negative. More hopeful than full of despair and worry. To step away for a moment and be glad for the moments I am living and to cast off fears and doubts, even if it's only for a few seconds. Because I deserve to feel happy and feel good some times.

Fear of Alcohol

Maybe the first thing you are thinking when reading the title is "aren't you not supposed to be drinking?" And yeah, I guess you're right. I'm still 2 months out from being 21, but it was in house, I'm staying put, and limiting my consumption. Okay, maybe that doesn't make it any better.

Moving along, I assume that maybe it's just because it's too soon or maybe this is how it ends up working, I don't know because I've seldom had alcohol. The only times I had was in Greece where the legal drinking age is 18, but even then I didn't consume large amounts. Is alcohol supposed to draw out sadness easier? Or does it simply amplify any sadness that already exists? The only thing I know for sure is that it is an inhibitor/depressant. I can feel my mind is a bit suppressed, so maybe with the slower neural activity, the mind goes places that I am trying to avoid going back to in order to fully heal and move on.

All of this happened on one glass of risling. Why did I drink it? Because it was just for celebrating my parents' 26th anniversary. A.k.a., I only drink 1 serving if there's a special occasion. We somehow made talk of the name Jerry, which led to reminding my brother of my awful performance in a LU Coffeehouse video submission titled "LU Crushed", and that led me to more. There was also mention of my dad's alma mater, Sophie Davis, which naturally reminds me because that is almost literally her name. I mean sure her name is "Sophia Davis", but what's one letter difference with the majority the same and the pronunciation very similar? The video reminded me of her because I sent it to her and she had laughed saying I am a terrible actor (it's true), and just other talk brought me all to thoughts of her.

Maybe it's just because I'm in the process of working on moving on with life without her even as a friend, or maybe there is a hidden piece of me still distraught over losing her. I mean if there is a piece of me like that, I can't exactly blame myself because I did get emotionally invested in her and it was an amazing thing that I had going with her. Plus, as other friends describe it, it was basically a break-up and they say she's now an ex of mine. With all that, there will be a part of me hurting from that, but like I said in I think yesterday's or the day before's post, it's up to me how I will choose to react whenever something reminds me of her. Because there will always be something that has a potential of reminding me of her. There is no escape except for total isolation, but even then, if I were to cut myself off from the world, I'd be left alone with no one else except my thoughts, which would invariably have moments of her, at least I'd imagine. I mean, what else is there to think about if there's not really a consistent flow of outside stimulus and input from other people to contemplate?

All sad feelings aside, I fear alcohol just a tiny bit now. Because if a glass of wine has the strength to bring me metaphorically to my knees in sadness and tugs at the damaged heartstrings, then what will happen if I one day lose control and restraint and drink more than I should, even if I'm of age so to speak? What happens if I drink 2 drinks, or 3, or just any volume more than 1 (since my tolerance is naturally low with little exposure)? Is it wrong to fear it? Is it wrong to cope this way? Well, probably on that one. I can't see myself using alcohol or any substance to cope, but who knows if I'm even slightly under the influence? What if after even one drink, all I need is someone to say, "hey, you okay dude? Let me get you another." What if that's all it takes before I spiral down a dark hole that I cannot get out of?

Maybe I'm just being paranoid and shouldn't worry too much about this. Maybe I should be worried. I don't know, and I guess we'll see as time progresses how I work on healing and moving on, and how I feel, act, and think if/when I consume alcohol again.

Fact Of Life

I was discussing this with a friend and it's just gonna be something I have to deal with and it will never truly go away. The question is how will I respond/react when these instances occur.

So as I had mentioned the other day, I was having some difficulties moving on entirely. And part of that is maybe the sudden shock to my mindset since I had been holding out a hope for a friendship restoration. But now that I'm trying to move on, the mind is starting to scramble a bit and is causing a couple of relapses and thoughts of not committing to this path. To just keep holding out and not see if things work out later while going towards moving on completely. Meaning I could sit and wait, or I could move on and if it happens, it happens.

Part of what makes it difficult is just seeing her name. Or rather people who share her name. At work, when we get an online order, it prints out their name. And today I had seen a ticket with the name "Sophia" on it. While it's not the same person, the sound and the spelling is enough to trigger memories and moments of sadness. The trick to it all though is to move on and try to not linger in those sad moments. Maybe one day those sad feelings will go away, maybe not. But if I let it have its stay whenever it rears its head, I never will heal and I never will move on. If I react poorly every time the name is said or read, it will have a grip on me that will plague me and disallow growth and flight.

Part of me hopes that one day the dust will settle and there is something that returns just so that it's not bittersweet memories as the only things that come up when I think of her. But the other parts of me know that I need to prepare for having just bittersweet moments because I might not get that friendship and to hope for it is placing my hope in all the wrong things.

I guess here's to another day of some struggling, but to hopefully a tomorrow of healing and moving on. I'll keep you posted here, if you're interested to follow along or if you even made it here.

Come As You Are

I probably should have known this already given the song from years ago saying "come as you are to worship". But alas, I guess it takes a real life experience and application to really take a look and understand these things.

The devotional we had read tonight spoke about how sometimes you have anger, questions, sadness, rage, x, y, and z, and you feel that you cannot come before God with those feelings and thoughts. That you are imperfect and cannot go to Him until you fix things yourself.

But then the perspective was given that "why not?" Why don't you feel like you can go to the Father who knows every single thing about what you're going through, what you're thinking, what you've done, and everything in between. God knows everything and knows where you have been, where you are, and where you will go.

So the application for me is that I fear I cannot go before the Lord to get the ultimate healing. To get the true peace and to calm everything I feel since I am experiencing troubles with moving on completely and not worrying about friendships or reconnections, etc. Because God knows everything about what has happened to me this year, what happened to me even before that. He also knows what's happening to me now, how I feel, how I think, etc. And He also knows everything that will happen to me. You get the idea, God knows all the ins and outs of my life (and yours too!), and there is nothing for me to fear going before the Lord.

And okay, I say that but maybe it might cause the question of "if He knows everything, why bother going to Him." Or maybe you already know how this goes, but I'll write it anyways. Because God is waiting for you to come to Him, cast all your problems, your worries, what upsets you, what you have questions about, just cast everything on Him. To go before Him and trust Him that He will listen and guide you through life.

So what am I going to do? Well, I hope after saying all of this I will go ahead and go bring it all to God to get my healing, get things off my chest, cast my worries, and just submit myself to God. To not worry about not being good enough or whatever is the reason that is causing me to hesitate.

P.S. I do wonder though that what if all of these feelings of clinging on and holding out for a true rekindling of a friendship is partly in a ways the work of the devil. Not to say that is sinful or evil for me to want the friendship, but to be stuck in my hurt and pains and to stop my from pursuing God for healing and restoration like no one else could offer. Think about it: if the devil can get me to constantly focus on trying to get that chance to really do better, then I am stuck perpetually partially hurting and having occurrences of relapse and then I will never be able to reach my potential if something is holding me back. Why would the devil do this? Because if he can hold me down, then I cannot go to the Lord and purge the evil from me. At least in this state of even just a tiny piece of me stuck in the past of blaming myself and wishing things were different, then I cannot get rid of the devil. So maybe this is also why I feel that it is hard for me to go before the Lord and to move on. Because moving on and going to the Lord means getting rid of the devil's hold on me and I break free and become whole again. At the end of the day, I needn't worry about that friendship because God places people in our lives and sometimes they leave, but they have achieved their purpose to teach me or be something I needed in that time. And if there is to be a relationship, even platonic, then God will make a way.

P.P.S. Actually one thing I did learn from God Friended Me, I'm not sure if that's exactly true but it makes sense, but soul mates don't exactly have to be one and done and permanent for love. They could be someone you need in your life for any moment in time and that they have a strong purpose. So even if you feel that your soul mate is gone or no longer with you in any capacity, don't worry that your world is over. Because it's not. And it gives me hope.

It's Tough

Maybe this is just how I feel because I'm only 1 day in.

Maybe this is something I just have to work through.

Maybe I'm not as healed as I thought I was.

Maybe this is going to take a lot longer than I had originally planned.

Maybe I'm still clinging on to something and I have to fight myself to let go.

Maybe I just can't figure why I need to let go.

Whatever the case may be, I find that nary 24 hours later from the declaration that I would just move on with my life, with or without former friends re-entering my life as friends once again, but I caught myself in a twinge of sadness and, well, relapse. My mom was listening to for KING & COUNTRY's "God Only Knows" and because I'm not on "autopilot" mode and actually listened to the lyrics is what triggered this moment of relapse that makes me wonder.

At a point in the song, the lyrics say, "for the lonely, for the ashamed, the misunderstood, and the ones to blame, what if we could start over, we could start over, we could start over?" Those lyrics became a hook, line, and sinker. If we turn the clocks back a month or almost two now, I had considered myself as one of the ones to blame. I was also the ashamed and the lonely. And then the part of saying "what if we could start over" hung over my head and made me think of starting over my friendships. Because in the music video, the character we follow up to that point in the song is depressed and can't find someone to reach out to, and ends up taking her life. But after the lyrics say "what if we could start over", the events of the character rewind, and all the sudden one of the background characters we saw before reaches out and is able to prevent the main character from taking her life because all the sudden she has a support system. Because she finally got her start over before she went over the edge to the point of no return, literally.

It caught my attention and led to me to wondering if I get a start over. Or if this is truly the end and I must follow through with my own words and my own declaration. I mean other times I say that sometimes I fear that my words don't mean anything because my promises are broken and I can't be trusted to uphold my end. So if I were to back down from moving on, I continue to provide evidence that my words don't mean anything more than the gust of the wind into a brick wall.

For a moment, I had been wishing I can at least get that start over with Sophia. I mean, I might as well say it since there's no point hiding it. It would seem that while I may not be friends with Dan, he doesn't mind a minor interaction in Instagram comments as he responded to my response. Basically a third person commented something, Dan responded to that, I responded as well to the original, and then Dan responded to mine, and I'm sure he knows full well that it was my comment. I mean the profile picture, the username? Come on, who else could it be? So part of me thinks that if I can have a minor interaction with Dan, and given that our falling out there was a bit more extreme since most of the hostilities waa there, that maybe something of a lesser fallout can have a restart. But then I guess I did have my restart with Sophia already and I had not healed from that and ended up throwing away my second chance, so why do I get to ask for a third chance since that's what I'd need in order for me to have a real restart. I wasted my second chance and there's no going back now.

I fear about all of this. Why? Because I'm turning 21 in the next 2 months. What's the big deal? Well, I'll legally be able to buy my own alcohol. And while that shouldn't really be a big deal, I just fear that if I cannot convince myself to really move on and not worry about that restart, or if a restart is to happen but not by then and I am still holding out for a restart, then what if in my moments of relapse and sadness I turn to alcohol to suppress the feelings? What if I am truly toxic as I have once been alerted to and I end up turning something that probably doesn't need this much focus into a bad habit that will ruin my life? I mean, I should have gotten over everything a long time ago and now that I am realizing I still struggle and the very possibility that if I don't properly take care of this now that it might manifest into something worse scares me.

Maybe I'm paranoid and thinking about worst case scenarios. And while worst case scenarios may not necessarily be the one that happens, the fact remains that it just might happen, and that percentage, no matter how big nor how small, is enough to be of concern.

It's gonna be tough to try to move on completely. To fight the moments where I wish for that restart. To fight the parts of me that are still clinging on. To fight onwards to a life that has healed truly and fully from these pains and is far away from any of these paranoid worst case scenarios.

It's tough. I hope I am strong enough for this.

Most Capable or Most Flexible?

This morning I had opened the store for the first time ever. It wasn't terribly different than what I already know how to do. It was more of just doing it all, and there were minor things such as making sure to turn on the condensers for the drop-ins (where the vegetables and produce are stored on the front counter) and turning on the grill. Everything else, I have done to an extent or learned previously, so this was essentially like a final, cumulative exam. It's kinda funny because it's late May, and while I would've been out of college already by now, some colleges finish around now, and even if they don't it's still May. The point I'm trying to make is that I had been taught various things at work and now in May I am pushed to the highest limit I've had at work and had to do it all. Just like finals season. And it's funny because, well, I'm not an academic student anymore.

It was honestly kinda fun, and I don't know if that's weird. I had to cook all the bacon, slice the lettuce and onions, prep and bake all the bread, set up the front counters, and slice tomatoes and bring them out front. Like I said, I've done all of these things before, just not all of them in one shift, nor to the amount I did today. It killed the first 3 hours of work incredibly quickly and I'm surprised at how long it all took me. I will admit I was a bit tired, but that was simply poor time management and being irresponsible with binge watching Avatar: The Last Airbender on Netflix instead of going to shower and hit the hay earlier than midnight.

At work, my manager said that the reason he called me in 2.5 hours earlier than what I have been doing since the pandemic started and hours were cut (in comparison, I only came in 1 hour earlier than I did before the pandemic), was because he said he and the store owner wanted me to officially be trained on how to open the store. That way I might be put on the schedule to open it completely by myself, depending on how they evaluate my performance of today. He also said that the reason they chose me is because I am their "most capable employee". I don't know if that is really the case or if it's just because I'm more flexible with scheduling my hours or what. Whatever the case may be though, I'll just give my best effort and just do as I'm asked. Maybe I'll get a raise, maybe I'll get promoted, maybe I'll move up the chain in the Jersey Mike's franchise, who knows. Or maybe none of that will happen and this all is just a stepping stone for the future, teaching me how to manage time better and just get multiple tasks done by a certain time. I don't know, but I'll just do whatever it is I am needed to do.

I guess it feels kind of nice to hear that they say I am the most capable. That means they notice me and my work, and whatever it is I am doing (which I believe to be my best effort with room for improvement whenever someone sees that they have to suggest something) pulls me away from the pack a bit and they now want to give me more responsibilities and see what I can do. Maybe this is all a test before they will allow me to do or get something more. I don't know? They know I will stay for an extended shift if needed (in reference to my 12.5 hour shift), and they know I can do whatever they need me to do, all they need is to ask.

I guess at the end of the day I shouldn't let this get to my head. I shouldn't go bragging to friends that they think I'm the most capable (well by friends I mean to coworkers, because people outside of work it's more of me just expressing my excitement for my experiences and events in my workplace) and I should just give it my best all the time. From there, we will see what any of this means, whether there is more to it than meets the eye or if it's just surface value.

Either way, it's getting pretty exciting to have more responsibilities given to me. I mean sure that means I have more things to be held accountable for and less margin for error, but it also means they trust me to an extent to get the things done and to trust me to be who they need me to be.

I feel good.

Two Weeks Later

Two weeks ago today I had published "Restitution" and sent it to the respective parties who would be most affected by it/whom the post was semi-vaguely centered on. Two weeks from tomorrow would be the first response I got from it and the chance to forgive one of the parties involved. Two weeks from Tuesday (2 days from now), I would get a "read receipt" from another party, but no response.

First of all, I somehow cannot believe that 2 weeks have already passed by. I almost doubted it's been that long, but thanks to technology, I can see when I sent my message and I can see when my messages were read. So time has flown by. I guess that could be a good thing or maybe not that I am unaware of the passage of 2 whole weeks.

The meat about this post (okay, not gonna lie but I don't know how I feel about that phrasing haha) is what I'm going to do now that time has gone by sufficiently that if anything was going to happen, it should have happened by now. If I were to get responses or any means of communication between parties, I probably would have gotten it in the past 2 weeks. So here's the plan of action since I have been hesitant about what I should do.

I'm just going to go on with life as it is. Those friendships that I want aren't there as far as I am concerned. But here's the catch in it all: the means to recreate and retry these friendships are going to stand, I'm just not going to actively worry nor pursue it anymore. No more wondering if I had done enough, no more wondering if my effort was the best effort, and no more wondering if a friendship can still be salvaged after all of this wreckage.

Don't take this the wrong way: if there is a friendship to be had here, I will welcome it with open arms. I would soften up for the friendship to find a place to take root and to grow and hopefully flourish into a great communion of a brother to brother and/or sister relationship through Christ. And I don't mean to all the sudden turn into some guy who's so into faith by saying they are my brother/sister in Christ. It's just a goal of mine to work my way back to my faith and I think part of it is realizing that in a ways, we're all family. Maybe not biological, but we are a family, so community is important. Even from an atheistic view, I can't imagine that community and fellowship are frowned upon.

What I'm trying to say is that I will worry no more about what I could have had. To not worry about what I could have maintained, what I could have built, what I could have done differently, etc. Sure I need to learn from my mistakes, and I will do my best to apply whatever I have learned from these fallen friend groups to any future friend groups. Sure it is tragic that this had to happen before I learned these lessons, but the only thing I can do now is to learn from the mistakes and take those lessons and apply it to future friend groups and change and work on myself so as to prevent it from happening as best as possible. Sure things may go awry again someday, but I can do my best to be better than before. I keep saying how I was so immature and I can't believe I've done the things I've done, or said the things I've said. I keep saying how I have feelings of regret of doing things or not doing things, but here's what I can take away from it: if I so value those things and wish I had done certain things differently, well then maybe I should be active and constantly checking myself for the future. That if there is something different I wish I had done, I just better be ready to do those things the "right" way for the next time. The point being that if I stay stuck in the past, I will never move forward, and then any of these past friendships will just haunt me for the rest of my life.

All of this to just say that I'm going to move on entirely. I will leave it up to anyone who was affected by this. I don't think I will send this post to them. One party already had received words saying I will wait for them to decide if the friendship is right for them. The other party who I have not received contact from, well I guess I can take an assumption they are the ones reading my blog, if not then carry on, my friend whoever is reading this. But if on the off chance the other party is the one reading this right now, I just want to say it here since I didn't get to say it to you directly: I forgive you. I am sorry for the way I hadn't taken the right amount of time to heal properly and I'm sorry for tossing your grace and kindness of a second chance out the window when all you had done was to try to help me heal properly. I don't know if there is to be a friendship between us. Maybe, maybe not. I know I am an immature boy trying to be a man. I want to say that I have changed, although I have no way to gauge how much I have truly changed. At the end of the day, I just want to say that if you feel like we are to walk completely separate lives, not even as friends, do what you must and I will respect where you're at. And as I have mentioned earlier, if you feel that one day you might want to retry things as friends, I will leave all means of communication open so you can reach me, including but not limited to my phone number, my dm's, any way of communication through social media. I will be working on myself and I won't hold my breath, but if you want to reach me, you know how.

And if on the most probably chance that whoever is reading these posts is not that party but has communication with that party, maybe if you could direct them here? I'll understand if you don't, but I feel like I shouldn't reach out in my current state of finding the final pieces to my healing and moving on. I don't know how long the rest of my healing will take, so whatever the case is, I guess here's to a new future, wherever that may lead, and to whoever I end up meeting.

Last but not least, as far as that letter I had originally thought about writing. I'll be holding off on that and maybe I'll write it whenever I am completely healed. Maybe not. Who knows what exactly I'll do, but I know that in order for me to finish my healing and restoration of myself, I need to not focus on that and to move on.

Here's to a new start.

Confession

So I have to admit. I say that I'm healed from the pains and the hurts that I have come across this year. I say that I am better now and I am at peace with all that I have experienced. But there's a minor caveat to it all.

Yesterday, I wrote a post wondering if I had done enough or at least put a good enough effort to attempt restoration, well "restitution" as I had titled the post (it's a synonym). I had come up with potential ways I could really just give one final effort if it's in the cards to play.

I sent yesterday's post to a friend and he told me that I've done enough. That just my texting of the blog post was enough and that if nothing more happens, then that's it. I need not worry about it and I should just move on entirely. Not just move on with the feelings, but move on and leave those acquaintances in the past. If I'm being honest, there was a piece of me that doesn't think that that is true. That I should at least attempt the letter and then move on entirely if there is no response from it.

I then got caught up in the late night lack of thinking. Right before bed, as I already feel my brain shutting down and telling me I should go to bed, I had checked the Batman account (because there were notifications saying I got likes and comments on whatever). I then went into the dm's of the Batman account and lo and behold, one of the top chains there was the chat between the Batman and Sophia. I went all the way back to the start of that chat and re-read everything. And I mean every single message. I almost relived sending and receiving those messages.

Then because I wasn't thinking as sharply as normal and I let a tiny piece of me indulge the reminiscing of the past, I went to my personal account and re-read every single message I sent and received between Sophia and I. I had almost, well effectively even, re-lived those moments. I had been able to read those messages and watch the friendship start and grow. From just two people who connected over a fun internet account (the Batman), to eventually meeting and sending messages occasionally. I had watched as Sophia's messages turned from just responding to some guy she had met to messages that were for a friend, to eventually the moment on December 2nd into December 3rd where she had first said "I love you". I had read the messages and watched us grow into a closer and closer friendship, just wanting to date each other but biding our time because we didn't want to rush anything.

And then I watched it all fall apart, slowly but surely. Soon she stopped sending as long messages and just gave responses because I had watched as the feelings faded away and she didn't want me to get re-attached to play my heartstrings. She was doing the right thing, and I couldn't see it then. And then it ultimately led up to the last message in that chat chain. Her apology for the way her message kinda pushed me away, even though it was for me good. So that I could really have the space I needed to heal and then I could refresh myself so that I don't get hung up over her forever. Her intentions were kind and were trying to protect me, but I was so blinded by my feelings that I couldn't understand it. I couldn't see it for what it truly was. And now that I have had the time to understand everything, it's too late. My ghosting her was immature and uncalled for. And now, here I am, wanting to apologize, to forgive, and to try to once again re-kindle the flames of friendship.

Shoot, I don't really know how much longer I should write because I can feel myself starting to slip away, back into that moment of relapse, of sadness, of darkness that I had technically today at 1 in the morning as I re-read everything before I went to bed.

So maybe I should go and write that letter. Explain everything as best as I can. Prepare for no answer and to just move on without Sophia in my life (even as a friend) anymore, but I can hope that maybe there is a friendship to be had. Or maybe is this all wrong and it's going to cause a relapse again? I don't know.

With all this, I confess it to you, the reader of my blog. Whoever is reading these (I can see there are views of the posts), I don't know who you are. I don't know if you're a friend who I'm still on good terms with, I don't know if you're one of the people I had so blindly thrown and cast out, but I just hope that there is something to be gained here. I don't know what, nor will I ever know. If I find out, maybe I'll write again. But I'm going to stop here while I'm ahead. I'll write again about this topic if I choose to write that letter.

What's Next?

Today, I finally got a cable that allows me to utilize both of my computer monitors with my Vengeance PC. If you're wondering why I had 2 monitors, well that's because initially I bought one to use with my first desktop, and then after I went away to Liberty for my first year, I bought a new keyboard and then my laptop's screen was too small for being so far away, so I just bought the same monitor again. Ever since then, I've had one monitor to keep at school and one to keep at home.

Now that I'm no longer enrolled anywhere, I had my "school" monitor just sitting around not being used. For awhile it wasn't a problem since I was using the same laptop and monitor set up as before. But with my new PC, I don't have the use of my laptop's screen (naturally), and I wanted to have both screens in the event that I decide to get back into streaming games so that I can simultaneously run the game, and also see stream stats and info, as well as chat if applicable.

So with the completion of my set up, what's next? I had been looking forward to bringing all of my technology together, and now I'm wondering, "am I actually going to get back into streaming? And if I do, what games will I be playing? When will I stream, how long will the streams last, and any other question that would be associated with getting back into the game." Pun intended by the way. As I was wondering about whether or not I will actually get back into streaming, or if I had just gotten the second cable for dual monitors for no reason (essentially), it led to me to wondering what's next for me in life?

Now I know that that is quite the jump, from wondering if I'll get back into an old hobby of mine, to pondering the big questions of what is the meaning to my life and what's the next thing that I'll do since I don't have any major changes coming up that I can prepare for. For example, ending high school was one change, and then going away to college was another change. Both of which I could prepare for. I couldn't "prepare" for the end of my college career so soon (well I could've had I been more proactive and gotten my schoolwork done), and I couldn't prepare for jumping into the workforce at Jersey Mike's. But it would seem that as for right now, I've got some semblance of a pattern that I can sync into and just go with the ebb and flow of each day in and day out.

But what's next? Maybe I'm being ungrateful with what I have in the here and now, and I should just be content with everything that I have. Job? Check. Roof over my head? Check. Clothes on my back? Check. Accessories for my hobbies? Check. What more should I be asking for that I don't appreciate the value of everything I already have now? In fact, I've learned some major lessons in that I had gotten so used to looking forward to the next big thing.

Take last year for example. I had started the Batman, and then I looked forward to amassing more followers. Then I looked to make a costume. Then I looked to expand the group. Then I looked forward to every gathering I had with said group. Then (after getting close) I had looked forward to a relationship. But I hadn't ever stopped and appreciated even having some of these things, that now I'm looking back and realizing how good I had it and now that it's gone I'm wishing I could go back.

Maybe I need to not worry so much about my next step and just live day to day for a bit. To live even week to week, but no more than that. To just appreciate all that I have now. To be grateful for once instead of constantly searching for the next big thing in my life.

Maybe I don't need to know what's next and I need to focus more on, what am I thankful for today?

I Wonder What's Right

I've been thinking for a bit of time now. What on? Well, on the topic of not receiving any response or any acknowledgement to Restitution.

Now I know what you might be thinking. You might say, "Geoff, you should really just move on completely because there is nothing left there and you might just invoke the pains and the hurts that you say you finally moved on from." And yeah, you might be right.

But I just have to wonder: Did I really make the best of efforts to show that I am truly healed and that if circumstances allow for it that I am truly ready to move on and make memories anew and continue or maintain a friendship, even long distance at that (given the fact that not only one person is now a long distance friend, then I also don't know if I get the right to claim friendship at that). Is texting a link to my blog, where I had written that post I think 11 days prior to finally posting it, and that the wording is not exactly polished, really the best effort I could have given to show that I am healed? Should I have said more? Should I have at least texted something more than just the link to the post?

I don't know the answer to that. And if the answer does somehow come down to "Yes, Geoff, you should have done more because texting a link to a blog post and then vanishing isn't really a show of confidence, in fact it's rather cowardly." How would it be cowardly, you may find yourself asking (or if you aren't asking just let me have this moment)? Well, it's cowardly because it was rather hasty. Sort of just pop in for a millisecond, hit paste, hit send, and then wait and see if a "read receipt" appears (or on Facebook Messenger the person's profile picture moves down to symbolize that they have read the message; same concept, different means of execution).

So what would I do exactly if I find that I want to at least just make one more attempt? To make that real attempt now that I truly feel as the feelings have faded and that I can move on? Well, I was considering writing a letter. Old school, but it gives a more personal flair to it. To be more effort than typing something on my phone or my computer. Because I just feel that texting has become so much of the normal and the standard these days, that if you are really trying to say something, it's not exactly personal. Then again, how is a paper letter any better? Once it's sent, I have no record of it, and is it really anymore personal because it's just a slower delivery of the same thing I could type out and send.

The question that follows that is: what would I even write in the letter? I feel like I'd have to explain myself a little bit. To acknowledge what I have done, the absence I have taken, the delay and all that time it took for me to finally accept an apology (because I effectively ghosted her), and then to just ask if friendship is something that she'd want. Because think about it, even if my apologies are accepted and even if I get the chance to tell her I forgive her (as she had asked for), do I really deserve a chance to be her friend again?

Why would I not deserve it? First things first, there is the February Fallout. That I pushed her away because I was upset and that wasn't exactly cool nor was it even remotely close to being mature. Then when I did apologize for that and made up for that (horrible) mistake, I had gotten so consumed in living in the past that I couldn't really move on to continuing friendship and making new and different memories. When she had realized that, she tried to make space again so that I could really pull myself together and heal properly. I was broken and already given a second chance. Then I threw out that second chance by taking her wording of creating for my betterment and walked away again. So if I even write this letter, in reality, I'm asking for a third chance.

A third chance is not going to be easily given. Honestly, even I have a hard time giving a second chance to others. And then there's the whole quote of, "apologies without change is just manipulation." I had once apologized, but I hadn't changed, so in a ways I've manipulated her and her kindness and graces to let me back in after the destructive words I had said and written in those days following February 4th, 2020. I pushed her away once again, and I know I shouldn't have even done it in the first place, but to do it again.

So that's why I'm hesitant if I should even be putting this much energy or thought into it. Heck, maybe even this long of a blog post is already too much energy focusing on what I had in the past and trying to make things work in the here and now. Maybe she was right in that God was saying we would live separate lives, but in a further extent of separate from friendship as well. I suppose if I'm bringing God into this then there's always just one answer to all my questions: pray.

To pray about the worries of my mind, my heart, and my soul. To pray about the questions that arise in my day to day. To pray about the stresses in my work life, family life, social life, any aspect of life really. To just pray and draw closer to the Lord because He knows exactly what I'm going through, where I've been, where I'm at, and where I will go. He knows exactly the people who will be in my life, who have been in my life, and who are in my life. He knows every little detail about my past, present, and my future. So why not go to Him and pray? Because prayer is my free gift of communication with the Creator of the universe, the Lord of the heavens and the earth, the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. Why not just go and pray?

And to that... I don't know. I feel unworthy of God. I feel like I don't deserve to have a connection with Him. I've fallen back to the world of sin, to the world of darkness. I feel as a hero, fallen from grace and brought down to the dirt holes full of darkness and of filth. I feel unclean before the Lord and I just can't bring myself to surrender because I feel like I wouldn't be worth His time.

Maybe this is what it all boils down to. Maybe this isn't so much about restoring a friendship with Sophia, and maybe it's more about coming to terms with my faith. Maybe it was partially accepting the way things are now and moving on from my feelings of love and attachment to Sophia, and then accepting that I am broken and unclean, but that God still would want me. Maybe it's not so much about my feelings or where I've grown attached to, but a spiritual warfare going on the inside of myself.

What is the right thing to do? As far as both things. What do I do?

Moving On

I think I've finally come to terms with how things are and I can settle now with peace. That I can move on with my life now. I can feel that the feelings have faded.

Okay okay, I will admit though that sometimes something gives me a reminder of those fun times I had towards the tail end of last year. But what else am I to do in those moments aside from just remember those memories? To be hurt by them? No. No that wouldn't be healing. That wouldn't be progress. That wouldn't be fair.

When I get those memories, I see it as a blessing I have these memories with close friends and best friends alike. I mean, if I hadn't had these memories, I wouldn't know how good things were. I've been given perspective. And with that perspective, I am feeling good about everything. Feeling at peace.

I don't know, this post feels all over the place. I don't know if my wording is the best to convey what I'm saying. What I do know is that I feel good about everything now. Well, not good in the sense that I'm glad things happened the way they did, but in the way that I have found my peace. That I don't feel the pains or the hurts anymore.

Okay, I think I'm rambling, using circular reasoning (is that what it's called), and just kinda unsure of how to word it. Maybe I'll find a new way to write everything out as I think would be better.

I guess time really does work to heal. And that it took me 3.5 months to do so, but hey, better late than never!

The Batman

A few days ago, I had written about the Batpham and whether or not I still am the Batman. It was something that for a long while (mostly since the year's bumps in the road) I had not thought of. That I was just going to give up being the Batman. To hang up the cape and the cowl because I most likely won't ever return to Liberty, so how can I make the claim to be the Liberty Batman.

But I've made a change in my decision and thought process.

I have decided that I will continue to be the Batman. And while I can't be Liberty's Batman, I will keep the namesake because, well, for one there are so many already taken names of something that is just Batman, so "thelibertybatman" has a certain uniqueness and doesn't require numbers or characters. The other reason is that it's to remind me where I came from and what built it all to what it once was. To remind me of where I was, where I got to, to see where I have fallen, and where I can reach once again and then one day surpass.

I don't know what I'd exactly do as the Batman while being at home, but I guess it'll just be more of something fun. That and also I will use it as a symbol. Just like the Batman is supposed to be. A symbol to inspire hope, to inspire something greater than a single human. To surpass human standards and rise higher than ever before. To be a sentinel who guards morals and values with their best efforts, and brings the fight to injustice and protects those who cannot protect themselves.

I'm not saying I will take up vigilantism, but what I'm saying is that I had held higher morals and higher values once before, at my sort of peak in my Dark Knight career, and I once again want to reach those points and then even surpass it if I can help it.

If you're wondering how I got to this decision and why I had actually thought about it, it's because I've been having dreams in which I would be wearing my batsuit. Sure they are just dreams, but maybe there was a sense of moral and sense of focus in the right direction that I had held and now I want to return to those good points.

The signal's been lit. I will return.

Fresh Perspective

I am half into this one, half skeptical because I don't want to become obsessed or over-indulge myself or whatever you could term it as. But today, between viewing the #SpeakLife post and from work, I was given a, well, fresh perspective. In CinemaSins voice, "Rollllllll credits!" *ding!*

To give myself credit would be a bit of a refresher and a chance to allow myself to step back, take a deep breath, and know that everything will be okay and that what I am doing now is good and it is all working towards my greater purpose. To just acknowledge the miles I've gone, the distances I've traveled, the lessons I've learned, and to just soak it all in and really take a moment to analyze all that this year has been for me.

Now, the part where I am a bit skeptical is that I don't want to give myself too much credit. I don't know where that line is that is too much, but hey who was ever hurt by erring on the side of caution? So, I should give credit to myself for the life I've been living now ever since every change that has occurred this year, but also just know that this is not the end and there is plenty of work and effort to be put in to become more and to just push myself to greater and higher heights.

So what's all the perspective I say since I've only talked about the #SpeakLife post so far? Well let me tell you. Today, around 3pm, so right before my shift ended, a new-ish person came in for work. Apparently he had worked through December and January during his winter break from college. Then he hasn't worked since, and now that his semester is over he wanted to come back. The perspective comes from realizing how much I have learned, if nothing else, for my job. Even if we say this guy worked for 2 full months, I'm only leading him by 1 month. But after asking what he knows and what he doesn't, I have so much more knowledge I thought was common. I mean, maybe it is common and he's just out of practice or he's just never done it, but it was eye-opening.

When these changes of social distancing, reduced hours, and whatever else, I just accepted it all as a fact of life and just moved on to the next day, to the next week, and (semi-unfortunately because of how long this is going on for) to the next month. Everything I had learned about becoming more efficient at my job and learning how to perform more tasks (enough to the point where I can technically run the entire front of house by myself, just that I won't because I'd be quickly overwhelmed) was just something I had to do. But I hadn't realized something: a lot of this I probably wouldn't have learned if I had operated under "normal" circumstances. Without the reduction of staff and hours and just everything about this pandemic, I would probably just be wrapping, maybe sprinkling, or running register. Because things have changed, I now know how to grill, how to slice, how to make bread, how to make tuna, how to take orders, write up hot sub tickets, take phone orders, etc. And in comparison, the new fella says he didn't know how to answer the phone, take phone orders, never sliced nor was taught to, and didn't know how to write tickets.

Now, I don't say all of this to make myself sound like I am way better than him, but it was surprising how much I had to learn because of all these changes. He last worked under normal conditions and did what I would've done had everything been normal. Because of the abnormalities of life now, I do so much more than before, effectively fast tracking the expansion of my skillset.

I mean 3 months ago, I wouldn't have been able to slice and prepare all these subs by myself. I did all of this today (for a regular catering order) in approximately 30-35 minutes. Not the fastest, I'd have to assume, but it's not a terrible time for someone with relatively low experience/short time since starting my job.

What I'm trying to say is that I underestimated what I have been doing all these past few months. I should be proud of where I've gotten to. I should give myself some credit for all that I do. It's been a crazy year, but a year full of growth and while I might very quickly trade it away for the year I had originally planned for, I am grateful for everything that I have experienced and learned, both about the world and about myself.

One final point that sort of ties into all of this is that we were talking about what makes someone a leader, as part of a 7 day devotional my dad has been reading to us every night at dinner. In it, it says something about how people who are leaders sometimes don't even think they are leaders until someone outright says it to them. That they have their influential power from earning respect and putting in the hardwork to work for others, serve others, and to climb ever upwards. I found that I am sort of like that. I never see myself as a leader because no one ever told me I am a leader. But I have been told that I was a leader and that I could always work on improving to be a better one. So there are just many things that I've never realized about myself, or the things happening around me, until something or someone says something.

It's all about realizing where you were and all of it in comparison to where you are now. I know that I have a lot to learn and a lot to work on to truly be greater and to truly be different than the way I was a few months ago, but there is definitely a level of progress and now I just got to keep on pressing forward. To move on to a new and better life. It's a constant climb, but it will all be worth it in the end.

Better Than I Found It

The goal in life, at least in my opinion, is to not worry about surpassing your peers, your friends, your colleagues, coworkers, contemporaries, etc. The goal in life should be to surpass yourself. And how do you figure to surpass yourself since you are you and you cannot split off to compete against yourself. But you have experiences, knowledge, wisdom, and all new information that you didn't have before. That you didn't even have yesterday even.

I saw this on r/GetMotivated. It inspired me because 2020 hasn't necessarily been "my year", but there are plenty of things I would not have known about myself and there are plenty of things that I learned in working with others and serving people (customers). My "yesterday" is full of mistakes, of anger, of darkness, you think it and I've probably committed the act in this year's events and altercations.

My "yesterday" version of myself is so crude, so evil. I have shown to others that I can be incredibly immature, I can say harsh things, I can write discrediting words and post it on the internet for all to see. I can take things to heart too quickly and be offended or agitated at the slightest of intonation of words that I perceive to be against me or that I simply don't like.

And to be honest, I'm not sure if I am far from my yesterday. Maybe a few minutes past midnight if I had to guess. But that's okay. It's a work in progress, and I intend to be better for myself and then to be better for others and those around me. I may not be able to repair the damages or heal the wounds I have inflicted upon others, but I can learn from those dark and vengeful moments. I am hopeful that I can work to be better; to be better than I used to be.

The way I have found myself is a state of horror, of destructive tendencies. I must learn from it all and remember these mistakes and errors of my ways. I can do one of two things now that I have found who I truly am: I can choose to leave it as I found it and just wait for the next time something similar to this year's events happens again and I destroy everything I hold dear in my friendships and relationships once again, OR I can choose to learn from my mistakes and work towards a new life and a new day that doesn't include these immature moments. I know that it is highly unlikely that I will ever truly remove my immaturity, but I certainly can do my best to minimize and reduce it as much as possible, to make a repeat of these damaging words and actions highly unlikely to show up again.

I can work to be better than my yesterday. I will work to be better than my yesterday. I am working to be better than my yesterday. Where I go from there, well we'll see as time goes on and life's ever changing tides ebb and flow. We shall see the new relationships I make, the new connections I create, the new experiences I get, the new lessons I learn, just everything about life.

I don't know what the next thing will be, but I know what needs to be done in the here and now. I have my work cut out for me. Will I put in the blood, sweat, and tears in to make it happen? Will I forge myself in these fires of trials and tribulations of life? Or will I let the hot, blazing fires cool down and not temper my edge? Seems like a pretty cut and dry answer.

I must leave my old self and become something better than how I once was. To be better than I found myself.

Focus On What Is Important

Surprise, surprise, yet another of TobyMac's #SpeakLife series of posts re-appeared on my Facebook, and it couldn't be better timing. I say re-appeared because I had evidently shared this post originally a year ago, not knowing what I would experience in the next 366 days (because there has been a Leap Day since I shared; don't worry, I know my numbers).

It speaks mountains to me and it's a good thing. It reminds me of how I should be going about this year's experiences and events, how I should react to them, how I should think of them, and how my next step should be. And it's just all good.

First part: "If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer." And yeah, this cannot be more true. I have been hurt this year. I've also hurt others this year. There was pain, carnage, and destruction even that happened this year. I caused quite a bit of it all. But here's the catch: if I focus on the hurt that I have experienced, I will always be suffering. If I just constantly see everything as lost and gone and think of it as just a painful memory, then I will never fully heal and I will just suffer for the rest of my days. I will never really be able to move on.

Okay sure, I have made plenty of progress in my healing as I had finally begun to forgive others and accept my faults and errors in the things I've done. I've healed because I don't blame myself as much for what happened. Even though there is plenty of blame to be put on me, I'm no longer kicking myself over it. I have come to terms with the negative I have created, and now I will do my best to learn from it all. What I'm trying to get at is I will never fully heal if I am seeing nothing but pain from coming out of it. I will never be able to piece myself back to 100% if I have lingering thoughts of hurt stuck in my mind. Like I have previously written about, I must work towards just seeing every memory and thought I have of it all as good and fond times. That they were some of the best adventures and experiences I have had, and I will do nothing less than cherish those times.

Second part: "If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." The lesson here that I must learn is that my words are just as hurtful, if not more hurtful, than some of the words I perceive to be getting. That my words, whether or not they are justified, can cut just as deep as any other word with intention to strike nerves. The lesson is that I need to learn how to better realize when emotions are rising and I feel my judgment being clouded by anger, by frustration, by the state of being upset, that I need to step back and just really take time to cool off before I say something. A quote that applies well here is, "Do not say or do something permanently damaging because you are temporarily hurt." I was temporarily hurt, but I did permanent damages to friends, to the friendships we shared, to just everything I had worked so hard to build up. And why? Because I hadn't really just stepped away. I had acknowledged my emotions, but I couldn't bring myself to let it go for the time being. Technology is a blessing and a curse that allows me to reach out to friends even if they are hundreds or thousands of miles away. But it can be devastating because of how easy I can send something destructive and how easy the access is. So my lesson to learn that I am still very much immature and that my anger and temper need working on. That my judgment gets so easily clouded that I say or do irrational things that can lead to irreparable damage.

There is so much to process out of this year's altercations. I could see it as the world being against me, or I could choose to see it as unfortunate, but eye-opening life lessons. Am I really ready to be in a relationship right now? Maybe this was part of it all. I had gotten so close to being in a relationship if we think about it. I was so head over heels, riding on cloud nine, infatuated and so deeply in love, that maybe my judgments and perceptions of timing were off. Because when push came to shove, I showed to everyone that I am not the man, nor even the guy, I said I was. That this crude side of me could have come out at any point if emotions had risen. Maybe there is a lot more that I needed to work on before even thinking a relationship was truly going to happen. Because getting into a relationship wasn't going to make my issues and my problems disappear. Just like they say that getting married isn't going to make relationship problems disappear; it will simply magnify the problems. Maybe this all happening, as unfortunate as it may be, saved me and saved others from a deeper and more painful hurt later. Because if I had gotten closer in relation with my friends (well more like one friend), I could have caused so much more damage if I were closer and I exploded. And I had always promised I would never hurt her, and here I am, having hurt her. Maybe there is a silver lining, maybe not.

All in all, maybe everything is happening for a reason. Maybe time will pass and things can be restored, maybe not. Whatever happens, and whoever should cross my path, I hope that I learn from my mistakes and the lessons that come out of those mistakes. I hope that I can learn from those who have been in my life, those who are in my life, and those will be in my life. Even if I'm not academically a student, I am a student of life. There is so much for me to learn from and learn about, and it's all about working towards a better me; a better tomorrow.

The Batpham

Nostalgia has it's pros and cons. The pros are that it can bring back great and fun memories that you have temporarily forgotten about, but through certain stimuli, you've re-enabled the memory in your head. The cons are that sometimes it happens a bit too soon and there's a level of it being bittersweet.

Now, if you notice by the title of the post, you might be able to piece together that I'm referencing what I call the best friend group I have ever had in my 20 years of life. Okay sure, you can't exactly make friends in your first few years unless your parents say "oh yeah, you always hung out with so and so" but in reality that is just because you tagged along with your parents since you were too young to be left at home. The point being, I've had some friend groups, some better than others (because I have had groups of who I thought were friends but led into a series of years of bullying that made my life rough in a sense). I've had groups that I've learned a lot, fell down a bit in growth, but ultimately had a good time with. And that leads to my most recent friend group, the Batpham.

A bit of establishing details (in case you're only just joining us now), the Batpham was started because I was the Liberty Batman (whether or not I still am the Batman is another story for another time). I had found people who had followed the account to take up a role as the Red Hood, and then later a Nightwing. Since these are all characters of the "Batfamily", it would only make sense to have a group chat for this, as well as make friends with these people I was inviting to become admins of the Batman account, just for fun's sake. Later, I would find someone who would become the Spoiler, and the Orphan, to then have an Azrael, and finally a Batgirl. Or maybe the other way around on the last two. The point being I had taken people who I had known, or people who had followed the Batman account and invited them to take a part in all of the fun of being a superhero on Liberty's campus because there had been other "heroes" such as the Crimson Ninja, the Emerald Samurai, and the LU Spider-man.

If you're wondering why Batpham is spelled with a "ph" rather than an "f", well there's an inside joke about that, so for now just accept it for what it is.

At one point, say around mid to late October, one of the members decides to get Minecraft. Naturally with myself and 3 others having played before, and since I've had a friend who found a site where you can host a server (sorta) for free, I created a Minecraft server for us to all play on, naturally named The Batpham.

We've had hundreds of hours of fun and goofing around. From originally starting as a pure survival world, to eventually opening up to creative and use of console commands, there has been a ton of nonsense that was all fun and all great times. I theoretically even crashed the school's wifi temporarily because I forced a lot of load on the game (the server was over the internet). Side note to that, I forced in a lot of blocks because a friend had accidentally burned down his home, and then the server crashed from too many blocks loading in and then the internet went out shortly after. Coincidence at the very least, I'd say.

Without digressing too much, I was just browsing on the internet last night before bed, and I happened to just go back to the host website and for whatever reason, I had decided to download the world just to keep it for myself. I guess because I don't want to lose it entirely in case the host site goes down, but other than that I don't know why I wanted it. Just even thinking about the time I have had on that Minecraft world makes me feel nostalgia. And all of those fun times was in reality only a few short months ago. The last time we all were on it was in December of 2019, so only 5 months ago, and it feels like a lifetime ago.

I don't know why I decided to download the world and then upload it to my Google Drive. Maybe I'll re-open it for fun just a couple more times. But by myself there wouldn't be as much fun since I don't have the social aspect on it as the world once had. Maybe it was unwise to download the world and I should just let it stay only on that host site and if that site ever went down, then that's the end of it. I've lost Minecraft worlds before, from just playing on school laptops and then turning in the laptop at the end of the year. Or even just changing and upgrading computers from my first laptop, to my first desktop, to my laptop for school, and now my Vengeance 5182 desktop.

Maybe I just wish that I could at least restore the friendships I had burned just so that even if we don't make many more memories now or any time soon, that if we ever meet again when we're older and just spending time together, that we can at least have something to relate on and reminisce over. "Hey, remember that time I did _____ on the Minecraft server? Yeah, those were great times". That and I just want the memories I have of the Minecraft sessions to be good one. They were good then, and they should be remembered as good now. They shouldn't be darkened or poisoned with "well, they aren't your friends anymore" or whatever negative sentiment I might come up with.

I don't know if this is healthy. I don't know if this is growing. Maybe I should let go and move on since I've not received any contact from either party in about a week now. Then again, I ghosted them for 1-3 months myself, so I can't blame them for not wanting to respond to me or anything. But I just hope that if any of them check the blog since they can tell it still is getting new posts when I sent "Restitution", that maybe if they saw this, we can at least share good times together. Maybe nothing more, maybe nothing less. But we have memories together, and I hope they are nostalgic for them too.

Together

I'm just chilling today to just have a day of low effort and time to zone out completely and rest. I know that in reality the 38.5 hours I worked this week is still not the same as the 40 hours I once worked, but I guess the 12.5 hour shift I worked on Thursday took a bigger toll on me than expected.

Anyways, as I go to relax and just chill for the night, we're watching various music videos of for KING & COUNTRY, and the first one we watched was of their latest release, "Together". In that song, it has powerful messages of uniting as one and understanding everything is happening for everyone else. That we aren't as alone as we think we are.

Before I continue, here are the lyrics to the song:

This is for the busted heart
This is for the question marks
This is for the outcast soul
Lost control, no one knows
Sing it for the can't-go-back
Sing it for the broken past
Sing it for the just found out
Life is now upside down

If you're lookin' for hope tonight, raise your hand
If you feelin' alone and don't understand
If you're fightin' in the fight of your life, then stand
We're gonna make it through this hand-in-hand

And if we fall, we will fall together
Together

This is for the second chance
This is for the new romance
Sing it for the loved in vain
Overcame, it's not too late

If you're lookin' for hope tonight, raise your hand
If you feelin' alone and don't understand
If you're fightin' in the fight of your life, then stand
We're gonna make it through this hand-in-hand

And if we fall, we will fall together
Together (together, together)
Oh, and when we rise, we will rise together
Together, ooh

We will rise together, ooh
Listen
If you're lookin' for hope tonight (and you're all alone)
If you're feelin' alone tonight (can you feel?)
If you're in the fight of your life (I can promise)
We're gonna make it happen, yeah
I will be by your side (by your side)
'Cause love is in the air tonight (can you feel it?)
All up and see the light (come on!)
Whenever, ever, ever
Just as long as we're together, say

If we fall (fall), we will fall together
Ha ha, I got you, my brother
Together (together)
I see you my sister
And when we rise, we will rise together
Together (oh)

If we fall (if we fall), we will fall together
Take my hand (together)
Come and stand
When we rise (when we rise)
We will rise together (we will rise together)
Together (that's right!)

Together we are dangerous
Together with our differences
Together we are bolder, braver, stronger

The part that really got to me enough to write a blog post is the line that mentions "the second chance" and the "new romance." I felt it because of how events of this year have passed and I just have moments where I wonder how different things could have been. I know I need to move on, and I think I'm in the process of doing so. I think I'm in the process of healing, but I don't think any level of moving on, of healing, will ever make these thoughts and wishes go away.

When I point out the parts of the lyrics that strike me so, it's not so much that I'm stuck in the past, but just wondering. I know that odds are a "new romance" for me and past people I have had feelings (or more) for. I know that to even think of that as a possibility would be to hold me back and not progress to wherever I am destined to go, whoever I am destined to become. The idea behind this part of the lyrics is that I just gotta keep on pressing forwards and trust that a day will come where I can find my new romance. Where I can find someone I can love and be with. Side note: it is getting harder and harder as the days go on and on. The whole social distancing and uncertainty of how I can make new connections, friendships, relationships, etc., makes me yearn for connection. And I don't know why, but lately I've been feeling more and more for a relationship. To have someone I could consider joining with forever.

Then there's the lyrics of the "second chance". I know I've had a second chance for some already. I know I've even thrown that away because I took things to heart, or taken things too seriously or too harshly and scaled them way out of proportion. That I have made mountains out of molehills. So I guess for me, it's more about wondering about that third chance. But I know that if you even have to consider a third chance, likely story is that the end is there and you must let go. Don't cling on anymore as that's disallowing for a chance to grow and a chance for something new to start, as I have written about not too long ago. I guess might as well be specific since I'm never subtle and what good does it do to try to conceal my true thoughts about things. I mean after all that's the point of this blog.

So yeah, I occasionally wonder about reconnecting with Sophia. I mean I still follow her on TikTok and Instagram, heck, I even follow her sister on Instagram. I'm still friends with her on Facebook, and I just wonder if I could get that chance to tell her I accept her apology she sent me over a month ago now, and to tell her I forgive her for the wording she chose (hence the apology she sent), and to apologize myself for being immature about taking that message as casting me out, when in reality I'm nowhere near innocent of the behavior. I cast her out when things started getting heated and my world began to crumble down around me. I know I shan't blame myself for it anymore and just take it for what it is and learn from those mistakes. If I just stay stuck in blaming myself and never truly learn from the weight of my actions, I'll never understand how words cut deeper than a blade and I'll never grow.

With all of that being said, I need to just relax and trust that everything is all a part of the process and that I will grow and find my way through these trials and tribulations that I face. Through all of the uncertainties and unknowns of this year.

What a time to be alive, I suppose.

No Turning Back

I guess I'll state it for the record, but what difference does it make if you're reading this: I was hesitant in writing this post. But as I have been making a new post on the daily, I felt like I should just write it out and full send it. So here it is:

As I've probably stated a million times, my past is, well, the past. My original plans are gone, and my present is my new foreseeable future. I'm no longer a Liberty Flame, but I once was. Some of my friendships have faded, and some remain. I'm a crew member at a local Jersey Mike's Subs, and unsure of where my life leads. All in all, everything is changed, and whether or not that is a blessing or a curse is up to me. I can decide how to perceive everything, and I can choose how I react to the changes in my life and how I ride out these waves.

There is a certain part of me that wonders if some things from my past need to truly be gone forever. Or if there are some things that can remain with the right amount of time and energy put into it. Sometimes I just think about the friendships I had lost along the way, but I have a feeling in my gut that if given enough time to pass and enough focus, maybe some things can be restored. Albeit those things won't be to the same degree as before, but my past doesn't have to be dead completely.

If you're wondering where I'm going with all of this, well, it's because I have had thoughts of not worrying about responses to my random blog post that is, in my eyes, the beginning of a forgiveness. I sometimes thought that if they aren't going to choose to respond, I shouldn't worry about them anymore and let them be adults as they are (since we're all over 18, and actually all 20 or older), and if they want friendship, they know where to go and where to find it.

Need I even say anything of the sort to them? Probably not. It would most likely come off as arrogant or whatever because it would sound like my friendship would be incredibly valuable or something. I don't know. I just don't feel comfortable just sending a message like that. At the same time, I don't know what to do if I even want the friendship myself. How do I even try to repair or maintain a friendship with people I will most likely never see again? I mean as of right now, there are hundreds, if not a thousand or more miles in between us. Current circumstances with the coronavirus are making travel impossible because of how condensed the cases are in my area. That and what would I even do, to go all the way out to visit just one friend at a time? I mean technology allows us to be able to video call, chat, etc. but what else could I even do?

But then is that just me being lazy and not wanting to put effort forth? Or is that me being wise in not investing so much time, money, and energy just to see these friends? It's a back and forth of, "just let them go, you can't really have a friendship with them anymore" to "well if you put effort into it, there could be something if they are willing to be friends again". And if I don't restore friendships, then do I just slowly but surely remove contact? Delete friends on Facebook, remove followers on Instagram, unfollow on TikTok, etc.? Or is that unnecessary?

Whatever the case is, there's no turning back to the past, and the only way I can go and should be facing is forward.

I Can Do This All Day

As the title says, and the gif says.

Today was the longest I have ever worked. Ever. And it's longer than any singular shift my dad has worked and he's been working for the past 30+ years.

How many hours did I do that I'm dedicating a post to it? 12.5. Yeah, you read that right. TWELVE AND A HALF HOURS IN ONE SHIFT. Okay, okay, maybe that's not the longest ever, but for me it is. Back when I did 40 hour weeks, I was doing 8 hour shifts a day. Some people I know do 10 hour shifts. My dad sometimes does 12 hours, so I guess in the one instance I outclassed that by only half an hour. Sure, I sat down and did nothing for 30 minutes for a lunch break, but other than that, I was on my feet, preparing bread, making subs, serving customers, doing anything a crew member at a sub shop needs to do, for 12 hours. And I am tired. How tired? Let me show you a selfie I took after my shift ended and I got in my car:

I was exhausted. My mind was shutting down, I couldn't functionally perceive time passing by. I literally looked at the clock at 7:37, made a comment on how time passed, and when I checked again, it was 7:47. I blurred through 10 minutes.

My day started at 7 a.m., when I woke up to get ready for work and have breakfast. Then I started work at 8 a.m. Since the pandemic, I stopped working at 8 and started at 9:30, but today we had to make 240 subs by 10:30, so I got called in early. Then around 9:30, we got our usual catering order of another 60 subs. By 11 a.m., we fulfilled 300 subs. And that was intense.

Originally, I was scheduled to just come in earlier than usual and end at 4 like I have been. That's when the day shift goes home and the evening shift comes in to finish the afternoon and close. Today's shift had 3 people on staff, and so at 2 p.m., I was unexpectedly asked to stay to closing. So instead of an 8 hour shift as I had planned for, I was tasked with another 4.5 hours, totaling to the 12.5 I did today.

Towards the end of my regular shift, I was getting a little tired from the standing and working, but I was going to be fine. The extra hours is when my mind felt tired and my eyes felt the exhaustion coming on. My knees held up find luckily, and it was quite the day. If you think about it, even if I were to be awake for all 24 hours of the day, I spent more than 50% of it at work. Account for sleep and cutting down to actual wakeful hours, and now you're looking at 73.5% of my day was spent at work (17 hours awake, so 12.5 over 17 is .735, or 73.5%).

I just have one more day to get through and then the weekend is mine to relax. My paycheck next week will be nice as it reflects all the extra time I did, and I'm blessed to not need to do 12 hour shifts all the time and to realize how tough people have it if they do need these long shifts. I should be grateful for the experience and grateful for the work.

It's always good to count my blessings at any point in time (especially in this pandemic) rather than to count my shortfalls or my curses or whatever you would call it. To just have perspective.

Anyways, I'm tired and I need to go to bed. I'm done

The End of One, The Beginning of Another

Disclaimer: this post's title is very similar, well pretty much exactly the same as two previous posts on this blog, just merged together now. Those posts had been written on December 31st, 2019 and January 1st, 2020.

So with that piece of information out of the way, what I'm going to talk about is another TobyMac post that I saw today, and it made me come to a realization.

To establish some things, I must admit that I am hopeful and partially in want of a response from the parties I had sent the post "Restitution" to. In that post, for those unaware, was words that were a beginning (of a sort) to reconnect and forgive, as well as minor apology for the distance and whatnot. All that I know is that the post has reached its destination and that the recipients have indeed opened the message. Whether or not they read the post and could interpret my intentions of it is another story. One did, the other I'm unsure about.

After that, I was partially waiting for a response. No, I was kind of expecting a response. I had written it in a way and just sent it with no words or context and hoped that it would spark some level of conversation so that I could then proceed with expressing my forgiveness more than a request to find a chance to forgive. I got one down, the other I have not since I am unsure if that party has opened the blog post or even if they want to talk to me since I never officially responded to their apology and their request for my forgiveness.

And then there's this:

"We must accept the end of something in order to begin something new." In case you were unable to load the image but wanted to continue on with this post.

I don't mean to say I should take each and every word of these TobyMac posts to heart right away and assume it applies to me, but I have noticed a couple of the posts to be something holding a level of pertinence in my heart and so far it's worked if there were instructions and I had followed them. For example, not too long ago I saw one that forgiving others leads to healing, and I found greater healing in a short time frame in comparison to the healing I was slowly doing by taking the space away. That post did also say that letting go allows room to grow, which could very easily tie into today's post.

Maybe I am to just let go of Dan and Sophia. To just acknowledge the friendship I had once had with them, cherish the memories if they are ever brought up, but aside from it all to just move on and come to terms that there is no longer a friendship between us. That I should stop waiting for a response and just go on with life. To just assume that if they ever want to make contact with me ever again, they will reach out when they feel comfortable. And if they don't, then move on. It's not the end of the world if they don't talk to me. I mean, then the end of the world had arrived a month ago when I lost all connection to either of them.

I don't really know why I am holding on a bit. To hold out in hopes of some contact. The only thing I do know is that the damages have been done; I've left a blazing trail of chaos in my wake and they are left to figure out how to recover from effectively my wrath that they didn't deserve. I keep saying that there was a fallout in February (dubbed as "The February Fallout") and that everything went "nuclear". But have I stopped to think that a nuke can only go off if there was a epicenter to the blast? What was the common ground in losing Dan as a best friend and then losing Sophia as a best friend? The answer: me.

Now that's not exactly sound logic because then that would say stupid things like "if x amount of people are bullying you, who's the problem? The bullies or you? Well you're the only common denominator here." And I get it that sometimes it does hold some value like "if you lose competitively in randomized teams, it's not necessarily your teammates' fault if you're also part of the losing team." Even then that's a little shifty.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that maybe the fallout and nuclear damage is because of me. That I created so much destruction (can one "create destruction"?) and that I am now trying to reach out to those affected by my fire, to then wonder why they won't reach out to me? I should be lucky that I already got one response.

Whoa now, I'm starting to enter a dark phase on this post and while yes maybe it's all true, I should just focus on what's important: I want to start forgiving them for what I have perceived they did wrong to me. I want to apologize for the wrongs I've done to them, whether it be the words I said, the blog posts I've made, the inequal show of grace and forgiveness when it was asked for even though I got shown grace and forgiveness when I asked for it, and whatever other reason or thought process you can think of.

I want to begin new things, I even said it to an extent that if a friendship is to exist and things started anew, I must accept the end of what has transpired and what once was a part of my daily life. I think this will take me time to come to acceptance of the facts and acknowledging the end.

There is so much healing left for me to do that I have to keep working on myself and just keep pressing onward. I cannot let myself fall now as the healing has begun and I have been making progress. While I want some things, I must learn to let go so that I can grow, and I must accept the end so that something new can begin.

Here we go.