First of all, I somehow cannot believe that 2 weeks have already passed by. I almost doubted it's been that long, but thanks to technology, I can see when I sent my message and I can see when my messages were read. So time has flown by. I guess that could be a good thing or maybe not that I am unaware of the passage of 2 whole weeks.
The meat about this post (okay, not gonna lie but I don't know how I feel about that phrasing haha) is what I'm going to do now that time has gone by sufficiently that if anything was going to happen, it should have happened by now. If I were to get responses or any means of communication between parties, I probably would have gotten it in the past 2 weeks. So here's the plan of action since I have been hesitant about what I should do.
I'm just going to go on with life as it is. Those friendships that I want aren't there as far as I am concerned. But here's the catch in it all: the means to recreate and retry these friendships are going to stand, I'm just not going to actively worry nor pursue it anymore. No more wondering if I had done enough, no more wondering if my effort was the best effort, and no more wondering if a friendship can still be salvaged after all of this wreckage.
Don't take this the wrong way: if there is a friendship to be had here, I will welcome it with open arms. I would soften up for the friendship to find a place to take root and to grow and hopefully flourish into a great communion of a brother to brother and/or sister relationship through Christ. And I don't mean to all the sudden turn into some guy who's so into faith by saying they are my brother/sister in Christ. It's just a goal of mine to work my way back to my faith and I think part of it is realizing that in a ways, we're all family. Maybe not biological, but we are a family, so community is important. Even from an atheistic view, I can't imagine that community and fellowship are frowned upon.
What I'm trying to say is that I will worry no more about what I could have had. To not worry about what I could have maintained, what I could have built, what I could have done differently, etc. Sure I need to learn from my mistakes, and I will do my best to apply whatever I have learned from these fallen friend groups to any future friend groups. Sure it is tragic that this had to happen before I learned these lessons, but the only thing I can do now is to learn from the mistakes and take those lessons and apply it to future friend groups and change and work on myself so as to prevent it from happening as best as possible. Sure things may go awry again someday, but I can do my best to be better than before. I keep saying how I was so immature and I can't believe I've done the things I've done, or said the things I've said. I keep saying how I have feelings of regret of doing things or not doing things, but here's what I can take away from it: if I so value those things and wish I had done certain things differently, well then maybe I should be active and constantly checking myself for the future. That if there is something different I wish I had done, I just better be ready to do those things the "right" way for the next time. The point being that if I stay stuck in the past, I will never move forward, and then any of these past friendships will just haunt me for the rest of my life.
All of this to just say that I'm going to move on entirely. I will leave it up to anyone who was affected by this. I don't think I will send this post to them. One party already had received words saying I will wait for them to decide if the friendship is right for them. The other party who I have not received contact from, well I guess I can take an assumption they are the ones reading my blog, if not then carry on, my friend whoever is reading this. But if on the off chance the other party is the one reading this right now, I just want to say it here since I didn't get to say it to you directly: I forgive you. I am sorry for the way I hadn't taken the right amount of time to heal properly and I'm sorry for tossing your grace and kindness of a second chance out the window when all you had done was to try to help me heal properly. I don't know if there is to be a friendship between us. Maybe, maybe not. I know I am an immature boy trying to be a man. I want to say that I have changed, although I have no way to gauge how much I have truly changed. At the end of the day, I just want to say that if you feel like we are to walk completely separate lives, not even as friends, do what you must and I will respect where you're at. And as I have mentioned earlier, if you feel that one day you might want to retry things as friends, I will leave all means of communication open so you can reach me, including but not limited to my phone number, my dm's, any way of communication through social media. I will be working on myself and I won't hold my breath, but if you want to reach me, you know how.
And if on the most probably chance that whoever is reading these posts is not that party but has communication with that party, maybe if you could direct them here? I'll understand if you don't, but I feel like I shouldn't reach out in my current state of finding the final pieces to my healing and moving on. I don't know how long the rest of my healing will take, so whatever the case is, I guess here's to a new future, wherever that may lead, and to whoever I end up meeting.
Last but not least, as far as that letter I had originally thought about writing. I'll be holding off on that and maybe I'll write it whenever I am completely healed. Maybe not. Who knows what exactly I'll do, but I know that in order for me to finish my healing and restoration of myself, I need to not focus on that and to move on.
Here's to a new start.
Don't take this the wrong way: if there is a friendship to be had here, I will welcome it with open arms. I would soften up for the friendship to find a place to take root and to grow and hopefully flourish into a great communion of a brother to brother and/or sister relationship through Christ. And I don't mean to all the sudden turn into some guy who's so into faith by saying they are my brother/sister in Christ. It's just a goal of mine to work my way back to my faith and I think part of it is realizing that in a ways, we're all family. Maybe not biological, but we are a family, so community is important. Even from an atheistic view, I can't imagine that community and fellowship are frowned upon.
What I'm trying to say is that I will worry no more about what I could have had. To not worry about what I could have maintained, what I could have built, what I could have done differently, etc. Sure I need to learn from my mistakes, and I will do my best to apply whatever I have learned from these fallen friend groups to any future friend groups. Sure it is tragic that this had to happen before I learned these lessons, but the only thing I can do now is to learn from the mistakes and take those lessons and apply it to future friend groups and change and work on myself so as to prevent it from happening as best as possible. Sure things may go awry again someday, but I can do my best to be better than before. I keep saying how I was so immature and I can't believe I've done the things I've done, or said the things I've said. I keep saying how I have feelings of regret of doing things or not doing things, but here's what I can take away from it: if I so value those things and wish I had done certain things differently, well then maybe I should be active and constantly checking myself for the future. That if there is something different I wish I had done, I just better be ready to do those things the "right" way for the next time. The point being that if I stay stuck in the past, I will never move forward, and then any of these past friendships will just haunt me for the rest of my life.
All of this to just say that I'm going to move on entirely. I will leave it up to anyone who was affected by this. I don't think I will send this post to them. One party already had received words saying I will wait for them to decide if the friendship is right for them. The other party who I have not received contact from, well I guess I can take an assumption they are the ones reading my blog, if not then carry on, my friend whoever is reading this. But if on the off chance the other party is the one reading this right now, I just want to say it here since I didn't get to say it to you directly: I forgive you. I am sorry for the way I hadn't taken the right amount of time to heal properly and I'm sorry for tossing your grace and kindness of a second chance out the window when all you had done was to try to help me heal properly. I don't know if there is to be a friendship between us. Maybe, maybe not. I know I am an immature boy trying to be a man. I want to say that I have changed, although I have no way to gauge how much I have truly changed. At the end of the day, I just want to say that if you feel like we are to walk completely separate lives, not even as friends, do what you must and I will respect where you're at. And as I have mentioned earlier, if you feel that one day you might want to retry things as friends, I will leave all means of communication open so you can reach me, including but not limited to my phone number, my dm's, any way of communication through social media. I will be working on myself and I won't hold my breath, but if you want to reach me, you know how.
And if on the most probably chance that whoever is reading these posts is not that party but has communication with that party, maybe if you could direct them here? I'll understand if you don't, but I feel like I shouldn't reach out in my current state of finding the final pieces to my healing and moving on. I don't know how long the rest of my healing will take, so whatever the case is, I guess here's to a new future, wherever that may lead, and to whoever I end up meeting.
Last but not least, as far as that letter I had originally thought about writing. I'll be holding off on that and maybe I'll write it whenever I am completely healed. Maybe not. Who knows what exactly I'll do, but I know that in order for me to finish my healing and restoration of myself, I need to not focus on that and to move on.
Here's to a new start.
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