No Turning Back

I guess I'll state it for the record, but what difference does it make if you're reading this: I was hesitant in writing this post. But as I have been making a new post on the daily, I felt like I should just write it out and full send it. So here it is:

As I've probably stated a million times, my past is, well, the past. My original plans are gone, and my present is my new foreseeable future. I'm no longer a Liberty Flame, but I once was. Some of my friendships have faded, and some remain. I'm a crew member at a local Jersey Mike's Subs, and unsure of where my life leads. All in all, everything is changed, and whether or not that is a blessing or a curse is up to me. I can decide how to perceive everything, and I can choose how I react to the changes in my life and how I ride out these waves.

There is a certain part of me that wonders if some things from my past need to truly be gone forever. Or if there are some things that can remain with the right amount of time and energy put into it. Sometimes I just think about the friendships I had lost along the way, but I have a feeling in my gut that if given enough time to pass and enough focus, maybe some things can be restored. Albeit those things won't be to the same degree as before, but my past doesn't have to be dead completely.

If you're wondering where I'm going with all of this, well, it's because I have had thoughts of not worrying about responses to my random blog post that is, in my eyes, the beginning of a forgiveness. I sometimes thought that if they aren't going to choose to respond, I shouldn't worry about them anymore and let them be adults as they are (since we're all over 18, and actually all 20 or older), and if they want friendship, they know where to go and where to find it.

Need I even say anything of the sort to them? Probably not. It would most likely come off as arrogant or whatever because it would sound like my friendship would be incredibly valuable or something. I don't know. I just don't feel comfortable just sending a message like that. At the same time, I don't know what to do if I even want the friendship myself. How do I even try to repair or maintain a friendship with people I will most likely never see again? I mean as of right now, there are hundreds, if not a thousand or more miles in between us. Current circumstances with the coronavirus are making travel impossible because of how condensed the cases are in my area. That and what would I even do, to go all the way out to visit just one friend at a time? I mean technology allows us to be able to video call, chat, etc. but what else could I even do?

But then is that just me being lazy and not wanting to put effort forth? Or is that me being wise in not investing so much time, money, and energy just to see these friends? It's a back and forth of, "just let them go, you can't really have a friendship with them anymore" to "well if you put effort into it, there could be something if they are willing to be friends again". And if I don't restore friendships, then do I just slowly but surely remove contact? Delete friends on Facebook, remove followers on Instagram, unfollow on TikTok, etc.? Or is that unnecessary?

Whatever the case is, there's no turning back to the past, and the only way I can go and should be facing is forward.