Confession

So I have to admit. I say that I'm healed from the pains and the hurts that I have come across this year. I say that I am better now and I am at peace with all that I have experienced. But there's a minor caveat to it all.

Yesterday, I wrote a post wondering if I had done enough or at least put a good enough effort to attempt restoration, well "restitution" as I had titled the post (it's a synonym). I had come up with potential ways I could really just give one final effort if it's in the cards to play.

I sent yesterday's post to a friend and he told me that I've done enough. That just my texting of the blog post was enough and that if nothing more happens, then that's it. I need not worry about it and I should just move on entirely. Not just move on with the feelings, but move on and leave those acquaintances in the past. If I'm being honest, there was a piece of me that doesn't think that that is true. That I should at least attempt the letter and then move on entirely if there is no response from it.

I then got caught up in the late night lack of thinking. Right before bed, as I already feel my brain shutting down and telling me I should go to bed, I had checked the Batman account (because there were notifications saying I got likes and comments on whatever). I then went into the dm's of the Batman account and lo and behold, one of the top chains there was the chat between the Batman and Sophia. I went all the way back to the start of that chat and re-read everything. And I mean every single message. I almost relived sending and receiving those messages.

Then because I wasn't thinking as sharply as normal and I let a tiny piece of me indulge the reminiscing of the past, I went to my personal account and re-read every single message I sent and received between Sophia and I. I had almost, well effectively even, re-lived those moments. I had been able to read those messages and watch the friendship start and grow. From just two people who connected over a fun internet account (the Batman), to eventually meeting and sending messages occasionally. I had watched as Sophia's messages turned from just responding to some guy she had met to messages that were for a friend, to eventually the moment on December 2nd into December 3rd where she had first said "I love you". I had read the messages and watched us grow into a closer and closer friendship, just wanting to date each other but biding our time because we didn't want to rush anything.

And then I watched it all fall apart, slowly but surely. Soon she stopped sending as long messages and just gave responses because I had watched as the feelings faded away and she didn't want me to get re-attached to play my heartstrings. She was doing the right thing, and I couldn't see it then. And then it ultimately led up to the last message in that chat chain. Her apology for the way her message kinda pushed me away, even though it was for me good. So that I could really have the space I needed to heal and then I could refresh myself so that I don't get hung up over her forever. Her intentions were kind and were trying to protect me, but I was so blinded by my feelings that I couldn't understand it. I couldn't see it for what it truly was. And now that I have had the time to understand everything, it's too late. My ghosting her was immature and uncalled for. And now, here I am, wanting to apologize, to forgive, and to try to once again re-kindle the flames of friendship.

Shoot, I don't really know how much longer I should write because I can feel myself starting to slip away, back into that moment of relapse, of sadness, of darkness that I had technically today at 1 in the morning as I re-read everything before I went to bed.

So maybe I should go and write that letter. Explain everything as best as I can. Prepare for no answer and to just move on without Sophia in my life (even as a friend) anymore, but I can hope that maybe there is a friendship to be had. Or maybe is this all wrong and it's going to cause a relapse again? I don't know.

With all this, I confess it to you, the reader of my blog. Whoever is reading these (I can see there are views of the posts), I don't know who you are. I don't know if you're a friend who I'm still on good terms with, I don't know if you're one of the people I had so blindly thrown and cast out, but I just hope that there is something to be gained here. I don't know what, nor will I ever know. If I find out, maybe I'll write again. But I'm going to stop here while I'm ahead. I'll write again about this topic if I choose to write that letter.