It speaks mountains to me and it's a good thing. It reminds me of how I should be going about this year's experiences and events, how I should react to them, how I should think of them, and how my next step should be. And it's just all good.
First part: "If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer." And yeah, this cannot be more true. I have been hurt this year. I've also hurt others this year. There was pain, carnage, and destruction even that happened this year. I caused quite a bit of it all. But here's the catch: if I focus on the hurt that I have experienced, I will always be suffering. If I just constantly see everything as lost and gone and think of it as just a painful memory, then I will never fully heal and I will just suffer for the rest of my days. I will never really be able to move on.
Okay sure, I have made plenty of progress in my healing as I had finally begun to forgive others and accept my faults and errors in the things I've done. I've healed because I don't blame myself as much for what happened. Even though there is plenty of blame to be put on me, I'm no longer kicking myself over it. I have come to terms with the negative I have created, and now I will do my best to learn from it all. What I'm trying to get at is I will never fully heal if I am seeing nothing but pain from coming out of it. I will never be able to piece myself back to 100% if I have lingering thoughts of hurt stuck in my mind. Like I have previously written about, I must work towards just seeing every memory and thought I have of it all as good and fond times. That they were some of the best adventures and experiences I have had, and I will do nothing less than cherish those times.
Second part: "If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." The lesson here that I must learn is that my words are just as hurtful, if not more hurtful, than some of the words I perceive to be getting. That my words, whether or not they are justified, can cut just as deep as any other word with intention to strike nerves. The lesson is that I need to learn how to better realize when emotions are rising and I feel my judgment being clouded by anger, by frustration, by the state of being upset, that I need to step back and just really take time to cool off before I say something. A quote that applies well here is, "Do not say or do something permanently damaging because you are temporarily hurt." I was temporarily hurt, but I did permanent damages to friends, to the friendships we shared, to just everything I had worked so hard to build up. And why? Because I hadn't really just stepped away. I had acknowledged my emotions, but I couldn't bring myself to let it go for the time being. Technology is a blessing and a curse that allows me to reach out to friends even if they are hundreds or thousands of miles away. But it can be devastating because of how easy I can send something destructive and how easy the access is. So my lesson to learn that I am still very much immature and that my anger and temper need working on. That my judgment gets so easily clouded that I say or do irrational things that can lead to irreparable damage.
There is so much to process out of this year's altercations. I could see it as the world being against me, or I could choose to see it as unfortunate, but eye-opening life lessons. Am I really ready to be in a relationship right now? Maybe this was part of it all. I had gotten so close to being in a relationship if we think about it. I was so head over heels, riding on cloud nine, infatuated and so deeply in love, that maybe my judgments and perceptions of timing were off. Because when push came to shove, I showed to everyone that I am not the man, nor even the guy, I said I was. That this crude side of me could have come out at any point if emotions had risen. Maybe there is a lot more that I needed to work on before even thinking a relationship was truly going to happen. Because getting into a relationship wasn't going to make my issues and my problems disappear. Just like they say that getting married isn't going to make relationship problems disappear; it will simply magnify the problems. Maybe this all happening, as unfortunate as it may be, saved me and saved others from a deeper and more painful hurt later. Because if I had gotten closer in relation with my friends (well more like one friend), I could have caused so much more damage if I were closer and I exploded. And I had always promised I would never hurt her, and here I am, having hurt her. Maybe there is a silver lining, maybe not.
All in all, maybe everything is happening for a reason. Maybe time will pass and things can be restored, maybe not. Whatever happens, and whoever should cross my path, I hope that I learn from my mistakes and the lessons that come out of those mistakes. I hope that I can learn from those who have been in my life, those who are in my life, and those will be in my life. Even if I'm not academically a student, I am a student of life. There is so much for me to learn from and learn about, and it's all about working towards a better me; a better tomorrow.
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