The devotional we had read tonight spoke about how sometimes you have anger, questions, sadness, rage, x, y, and z, and you feel that you cannot come before God with those feelings and thoughts. That you are imperfect and cannot go to Him until you fix things yourself.
But then the perspective was given that "why not?" Why don't you feel like you can go to the Father who knows every single thing about what you're going through, what you're thinking, what you've done, and everything in between. God knows everything and knows where you have been, where you are, and where you will go.
So the application for me is that I fear I cannot go before the Lord to get the ultimate healing. To get the true peace and to calm everything I feel since I am experiencing troubles with moving on completely and not worrying about friendships or reconnections, etc. Because God knows everything about what has happened to me this year, what happened to me even before that. He also knows what's happening to me now, how I feel, how I think, etc. And He also knows everything that will happen to me. You get the idea, God knows all the ins and outs of my life (and yours too!), and there is nothing for me to fear going before the Lord.
And okay, I say that but maybe it might cause the question of "if He knows everything, why bother going to Him." Or maybe you already know how this goes, but I'll write it anyways. Because God is waiting for you to come to Him, cast all your problems, your worries, what upsets you, what you have questions about, just cast everything on Him. To go before Him and trust Him that He will listen and guide you through life.
So what am I going to do? Well, I hope after saying all of this I will go ahead and go bring it all to God to get my healing, get things off my chest, cast my worries, and just submit myself to God. To not worry about not being good enough or whatever is the reason that is causing me to hesitate.
P.S. I do wonder though that what if all of these feelings of clinging on and holding out for a true rekindling of a friendship is partly in a ways the work of the devil. Not to say that is sinful or evil for me to want the friendship, but to be stuck in my hurt and pains and to stop my from pursuing God for healing and restoration like no one else could offer. Think about it: if the devil can get me to constantly focus on trying to get that chance to really do better, then I am stuck perpetually partially hurting and having occurrences of relapse and then I will never be able to reach my potential if something is holding me back. Why would the devil do this? Because if he can hold me down, then I cannot go to the Lord and purge the evil from me. At least in this state of even just a tiny piece of me stuck in the past of blaming myself and wishing things were different, then I cannot get rid of the devil. So maybe this is also why I feel that it is hard for me to go before the Lord and to move on. Because moving on and going to the Lord means getting rid of the devil's hold on me and I break free and become whole again. At the end of the day, I needn't worry about that friendship because God places people in our lives and sometimes they leave, but they have achieved their purpose to teach me or be something I needed in that time. And if there is to be a relationship, even platonic, then God will make a way.
P.P.S. Actually one thing I did learn from God Friended Me, I'm not sure if that's exactly true but it makes sense, but soul mates don't exactly have to be one and done and permanent for love. They could be someone you need in your life for any moment in time and that they have a strong purpose. So even if you feel that your soul mate is gone or no longer with you in any capacity, don't worry that your world is over. Because it's not. And it gives me hope.
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