I've been thinking for a bit of time now. What on? Well, on the topic of not receiving any response or any acknowledgement to Restitution.
Now I know what you might be thinking. You might say, "Geoff, you should really just move on completely because there is nothing left there and you might just invoke the pains and the hurts that you say you finally moved on from." And yeah, you might be right.
But I just have to wonder: Did I really make the best of efforts to show that I am truly healed and that if circumstances allow for it that I am truly ready to move on and make memories anew and continue or maintain a friendship, even long distance at that (given the fact that not only one person is now a long distance friend, then I also don't know if I get the right to claim friendship at that). Is texting a link to my blog, where I had written that post I think 11 days prior to finally posting it, and that the wording is not exactly polished, really the best effort I could have given to show that I am healed? Should I have said more? Should I have at least texted something more than just the link to the post?
I don't know the answer to that. And if the answer does somehow come down to "Yes, Geoff, you should have done more because texting a link to a blog post and then vanishing isn't really a show of confidence, in fact it's rather cowardly." How would it be cowardly, you may find yourself asking (or if you aren't asking just let me have this moment)? Well, it's cowardly because it was rather hasty. Sort of just pop in for a millisecond, hit paste, hit send, and then wait and see if a "read receipt" appears (or on Facebook Messenger the person's profile picture moves down to symbolize that they have read the message; same concept, different means of execution).
So what would I do exactly if I find that I want to at least just make one more attempt? To make that real attempt now that I truly feel as the feelings have faded and that I can move on? Well, I was considering writing a letter. Old school, but it gives a more personal flair to it. To be more effort than typing something on my phone or my computer. Because I just feel that texting has become so much of the normal and the standard these days, that if you are really trying to say something, it's not exactly personal. Then again, how is a paper letter any better? Once it's sent, I have no record of it, and is it really anymore personal because it's just a slower delivery of the same thing I could type out and send.
The question that follows that is: what would I even write in the letter? I feel like I'd have to explain myself a little bit. To acknowledge what I have done, the absence I have taken, the delay and all that time it took for me to finally accept an apology (because I effectively ghosted her), and then to just ask if friendship is something that she'd want. Because think about it, even if my apologies are accepted and even if I get the chance to tell her I forgive her (as she had asked for), do I really deserve a chance to be her friend again?
Why would I not deserve it? First things first, there is the February Fallout. That I pushed her away because I was upset and that wasn't exactly cool nor was it even remotely close to being mature. Then when I did apologize for that and made up for that (horrible) mistake, I had gotten so consumed in living in the past that I couldn't really move on to continuing friendship and making new and different memories. When she had realized that, she tried to make space again so that I could really pull myself together and heal properly. I was broken and already given a second chance. Then I threw out that second chance by taking her wording of creating for my betterment and walked away again. So if I even write this letter, in reality, I'm asking for a third chance.
A third chance is not going to be easily given. Honestly, even I have a hard time giving a second chance to others. And then there's the whole quote of, "apologies without change is just manipulation." I had once apologized, but I hadn't changed, so in a ways I've manipulated her and her kindness and graces to let me back in after the destructive words I had said and written in those days following February 4th, 2020. I pushed her away once again, and I know I shouldn't have even done it in the first place, but to do it again.
So that's why I'm hesitant if I should even be putting this much energy or thought into it. Heck, maybe even this long of a blog post is already too much energy focusing on what I had in the past and trying to make things work in the here and now. Maybe she was right in that God was saying we would live separate lives, but in a further extent of separate from friendship as well. I suppose if I'm bringing God into this then there's always just one answer to all my questions: pray.
To pray about the worries of my mind, my heart, and my soul. To pray about the questions that arise in my day to day. To pray about the stresses in my work life, family life, social life, any aspect of life really. To just pray and draw closer to the Lord because He knows exactly what I'm going through, where I've been, where I'm at, and where I will go. He knows exactly the people who will be in my life, who have been in my life, and who are in my life. He knows every little detail about my past, present, and my future. So why not go to Him and pray? Because prayer is my free gift of communication with the Creator of the universe, the Lord of the heavens and the earth, the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. Why not just go and pray?
And to that... I don't know. I feel unworthy of God. I feel like I don't deserve to have a connection with Him. I've fallen back to the world of sin, to the world of darkness. I feel as a hero, fallen from grace and brought down to the dirt holes full of darkness and of filth. I feel unclean before the Lord and I just can't bring myself to surrender because I feel like I wouldn't be worth His time.
Maybe this is what it all boils down to. Maybe this isn't so much about restoring a friendship with Sophia, and maybe it's more about coming to terms with my faith. Maybe it was partially accepting the way things are now and moving on from my feelings of love and attachment to Sophia, and then accepting that I am broken and unclean, but that God still would want me. Maybe it's not so much about my feelings or where I've grown attached to, but a spiritual warfare going on the inside of myself.
What is the right thing to do? As far as both things. What do I do?
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