So with that piece of information out of the way, what I'm going to talk about is another TobyMac post that I saw today, and it made me come to a realization.
To establish some things, I must admit that I am hopeful and partially in want of a response from the parties I had sent the post "Restitution" to. In that post, for those unaware, was words that were a beginning (of a sort) to reconnect and forgive, as well as minor apology for the distance and whatnot. All that I know is that the post has reached its destination and that the recipients have indeed opened the message. Whether or not they read the post and could interpret my intentions of it is another story. One did, the other I'm unsure about.
After that, I was partially waiting for a response. No, I was kind of expecting a response. I had written it in a way and just sent it with no words or context and hoped that it would spark some level of conversation so that I could then proceed with expressing my forgiveness more than a request to find a chance to forgive. I got one down, the other I have not since I am unsure if that party has opened the blog post or even if they want to talk to me since I never officially responded to their apology and their request for my forgiveness.
And then there's this:
"We must accept the end of something in order to begin something new." In case you were unable to load the image but wanted to continue on with this post.
I don't mean to say I should take each and every word of these TobyMac posts to heart right away and assume it applies to me, but I have noticed a couple of the posts to be something holding a level of pertinence in my heart and so far it's worked if there were instructions and I had followed them. For example, not too long ago I saw one that forgiving others leads to healing, and I found greater healing in a short time frame in comparison to the healing I was slowly doing by taking the space away. That post did also say that letting go allows room to grow, which could very easily tie into today's post.
Maybe I am to just let go of Dan and Sophia. To just acknowledge the friendship I had once had with them, cherish the memories if they are ever brought up, but aside from it all to just move on and come to terms that there is no longer a friendship between us. That I should stop waiting for a response and just go on with life. To just assume that if they ever want to make contact with me ever again, they will reach out when they feel comfortable. And if they don't, then move on. It's not the end of the world if they don't talk to me. I mean, then the end of the world had arrived a month ago when I lost all connection to either of them.
I don't really know why I am holding on a bit. To hold out in hopes of some contact. The only thing I do know is that the damages have been done; I've left a blazing trail of chaos in my wake and they are left to figure out how to recover from effectively my wrath that they didn't deserve. I keep saying that there was a fallout in February (dubbed as "The February Fallout") and that everything went "nuclear". But have I stopped to think that a nuke can only go off if there was a epicenter to the blast? What was the common ground in losing Dan as a best friend and then losing Sophia as a best friend? The answer: me.
Now that's not exactly sound logic because then that would say stupid things like "if x amount of people are bullying you, who's the problem? The bullies or you? Well you're the only common denominator here." And I get it that sometimes it does hold some value like "if you lose competitively in randomized teams, it's not necessarily your teammates' fault if you're also part of the losing team." Even then that's a little shifty.
Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that maybe the fallout and nuclear damage is because of me. That I created so much destruction (can one "create destruction"?) and that I am now trying to reach out to those affected by my fire, to then wonder why they won't reach out to me? I should be lucky that I already got one response.
Whoa now, I'm starting to enter a dark phase on this post and while yes maybe it's all true, I should just focus on what's important: I want to start forgiving them for what I have perceived they did wrong to me. I want to apologize for the wrongs I've done to them, whether it be the words I said, the blog posts I've made, the inequal show of grace and forgiveness when it was asked for even though I got shown grace and forgiveness when I asked for it, and whatever other reason or thought process you can think of.
I want to begin new things, I even said it to an extent that if a friendship is to exist and things started anew, I must accept the end of what has transpired and what once was a part of my daily life. I think this will take me time to come to acceptance of the facts and acknowledging the end.
There is so much healing left for me to do that I have to keep working on myself and just keep pressing onward. I cannot let myself fall now as the healing has begun and I have been making progress. While I want some things, I must learn to let go so that I can grow, and I must accept the end so that something new can begin.
Here we go.
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