Moving along, I assume that maybe it's just because it's too soon or maybe this is how it ends up working, I don't know because I've seldom had alcohol. The only times I had was in Greece where the legal drinking age is 18, but even then I didn't consume large amounts. Is alcohol supposed to draw out sadness easier? Or does it simply amplify any sadness that already exists? The only thing I know for sure is that it is an inhibitor/depressant. I can feel my mind is a bit suppressed, so maybe with the slower neural activity, the mind goes places that I am trying to avoid going back to in order to fully heal and move on.
All of this happened on one glass of risling. Why did I drink it? Because it was just for celebrating my parents' 26th anniversary. A.k.a., I only drink 1 serving if there's a special occasion. We somehow made talk of the name Jerry, which led to reminding my brother of my awful performance in a LU Coffeehouse video submission titled "LU Crushed", and that led me to more. There was also mention of my dad's alma mater, Sophie Davis, which naturally reminds me because that is almost literally her name. I mean sure her name is "Sophia Davis", but what's one letter difference with the majority the same and the pronunciation very similar? The video reminded me of her because I sent it to her and she had laughed saying I am a terrible actor (it's true), and just other talk brought me all to thoughts of her.
Maybe it's just because I'm in the process of working on moving on with life without her even as a friend, or maybe there is a hidden piece of me still distraught over losing her. I mean if there is a piece of me like that, I can't exactly blame myself because I did get emotionally invested in her and it was an amazing thing that I had going with her. Plus, as other friends describe it, it was basically a break-up and they say she's now an ex of mine. With all that, there will be a part of me hurting from that, but like I said in I think yesterday's or the day before's post, it's up to me how I will choose to react whenever something reminds me of her. Because there will always be something that has a potential of reminding me of her. There is no escape except for total isolation, but even then, if I were to cut myself off from the world, I'd be left alone with no one else except my thoughts, which would invariably have moments of her, at least I'd imagine. I mean, what else is there to think about if there's not really a consistent flow of outside stimulus and input from other people to contemplate?
All sad feelings aside, I fear alcohol just a tiny bit now. Because if a glass of wine has the strength to bring me metaphorically to my knees in sadness and tugs at the damaged heartstrings, then what will happen if I one day lose control and restraint and drink more than I should, even if I'm of age so to speak? What happens if I drink 2 drinks, or 3, or just any volume more than 1 (since my tolerance is naturally low with little exposure)? Is it wrong to fear it? Is it wrong to cope this way? Well, probably on that one. I can't see myself using alcohol or any substance to cope, but who knows if I'm even slightly under the influence? What if after even one drink, all I need is someone to say, "hey, you okay dude? Let me get you another." What if that's all it takes before I spiral down a dark hole that I cannot get out of?
Maybe I'm just being paranoid and shouldn't worry too much about this. Maybe I should be worried. I don't know, and I guess we'll see as time progresses how I work on healing and moving on, and how I feel, act, and think if/when I consume alcohol again.
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