Maybe this is something I just have to work through.
Maybe I'm not as healed as I thought I was.
Maybe this is going to take a lot longer than I had originally planned.
Maybe I'm still clinging on to something and I have to fight myself to let go.
Maybe I just can't figure why I need to let go.
Whatever the case may be, I find that nary 24 hours later from the declaration that I would just move on with my life, with or without former friends re-entering my life as friends once again, but I caught myself in a twinge of sadness and, well, relapse. My mom was listening to for KING & COUNTRY's "God Only Knows" and because I'm not on "autopilot" mode and actually listened to the lyrics is what triggered this moment of relapse that makes me wonder.
At a point in the song, the lyrics say, "for the lonely, for the ashamed, the misunderstood, and the ones to blame, what if we could start over, we could start over, we could start over?" Those lyrics became a hook, line, and sinker. If we turn the clocks back a month or almost two now, I had considered myself as one of the ones to blame. I was also the ashamed and the lonely. And then the part of saying "what if we could start over" hung over my head and made me think of starting over my friendships. Because in the music video, the character we follow up to that point in the song is depressed and can't find someone to reach out to, and ends up taking her life. But after the lyrics say "what if we could start over", the events of the character rewind, and all the sudden one of the background characters we saw before reaches out and is able to prevent the main character from taking her life because all the sudden she has a support system. Because she finally got her start over before she went over the edge to the point of no return, literally.
It caught my attention and led to me to wondering if I get a start over. Or if this is truly the end and I must follow through with my own words and my own declaration. I mean other times I say that sometimes I fear that my words don't mean anything because my promises are broken and I can't be trusted to uphold my end. So if I were to back down from moving on, I continue to provide evidence that my words don't mean anything more than the gust of the wind into a brick wall.
For a moment, I had been wishing I can at least get that start over with Sophia. I mean, I might as well say it since there's no point hiding it. It would seem that while I may not be friends with Dan, he doesn't mind a minor interaction in Instagram comments as he responded to my response. Basically a third person commented something, Dan responded to that, I responded as well to the original, and then Dan responded to mine, and I'm sure he knows full well that it was my comment. I mean the profile picture, the username? Come on, who else could it be? So part of me thinks that if I can have a minor interaction with Dan, and given that our falling out there was a bit more extreme since most of the hostilities waa there, that maybe something of a lesser fallout can have a restart. But then I guess I did have my restart with Sophia already and I had not healed from that and ended up throwing away my second chance, so why do I get to ask for a third chance since that's what I'd need in order for me to have a real restart. I wasted my second chance and there's no going back now.
I fear about all of this. Why? Because I'm turning 21 in the next 2 months. What's the big deal? Well, I'll legally be able to buy my own alcohol. And while that shouldn't really be a big deal, I just fear that if I cannot convince myself to really move on and not worry about that restart, or if a restart is to happen but not by then and I am still holding out for a restart, then what if in my moments of relapse and sadness I turn to alcohol to suppress the feelings? What if I am truly toxic as I have once been alerted to and I end up turning something that probably doesn't need this much focus into a bad habit that will ruin my life? I mean, I should have gotten over everything a long time ago and now that I am realizing I still struggle and the very possibility that if I don't properly take care of this now that it might manifest into something worse scares me.
Maybe I'm paranoid and thinking about worst case scenarios. And while worst case scenarios may not necessarily be the one that happens, the fact remains that it just might happen, and that percentage, no matter how big nor how small, is enough to be of concern.
It's gonna be tough to try to move on completely. To fight the moments where I wish for that restart. To fight the parts of me that are still clinging on. To fight onwards to a life that has healed truly and fully from these pains and is far away from any of these paranoid worst case scenarios.
It's tough. I hope I am strong enough for this.
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