Start A Fire

As I look at the calendar, I realize that today is January 29th, 2020. You might be thinking, "well, Geoff, that's how a calendar works. Each day that passes progresses the calendar a day." What I mean is that it's been 29 days into the new year, into the new decade. Time has flown by so fast, and it's odd. Things could've been a lot different than what they currently are, but at the same time I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. Sure I need to be held responsible for my circumstances and why I'm still home, but there's still a plan for me and my life yet to come. Well, honestly, it's probably already happening whatever plan is there for me.

How has it been nearly the first month already? How has it been 4 weeks since everything changed for my life, almost on a dime. That quick hairpin turn that threw me and everyone important to me in a loop because of how unreal the situation had seemed. On the one bright side is that it brought me closer to my faith than ever before, except it would seem that in the past week and half, maybe two weeks or so, I've fallen off yet again. I've caved back to old habits that needed to die. I need to get back to those days of time of prayer. I guess praise God I still am keen on taking notes during church sermons, but that's about it for the time being since I've fallen off my regular prayer.

There's a great plan for me and I need to trust the Lord my God to fulfill His promises. He will deliver because He has always been faithful, even if I have not been. He has always been there to support me, to fight my battles, and to work all things out for my good. It's time I rekindled the flames inside my heart to burn brightly for the world to see that I am a child of God and that while I may no longer be a Liberty student, that I can still be a Champion for Christ.

Time is ticking day by day, seemingly faster and faster with every hour, with every minute. What am I going to do with the perceivable accelerating time? I mean yes, each day is still 24 hours, still 1440 minutes, still 86,400 seconds. That does not change. The days and the time aren't actually getting shorter, it's my perception is changing to make it seem like they are. There was an old saying that said as you get older, each increment of time that you've become accustomed to is a smaller and smaller fraction/percentage of your total life. At age 10, 1 year is only 10% of your life.

By that logic, 1 year is only 5% of my life. And that 5% is a dwindling 5%. I'm 20 and a half now (look who's counting) so 1 year no longer is 5%. It's approximately 4.87%. What is it that I'm going to do with the time? It'll seem like it's accelerating and it's up to me if I'm going to waste away, or if I'm going to become stronger in my faith and burn like a lighthouse for the lost to find their way home to Jesus Christ. To be a beacon of the hope of my Lord my God. To shine in the darkness of the world and to be someone that might help another get closer to their own relationship with God. I don't mean to claim to be some prophet or have some divine connection to God, but I mean that I need to be doing everything that I can to bring others closer to know my God and for them to make the choice to claim Him as their God as well.

My fire has long since been started, but it has been dying. It has not received any new fuel, it's not been aerated properly, it's being choked out by the sins and the darkness inside of me. I need to combat that, I need to return to a consistent daily prayer on my own time. I can't just accept the prayer that we do as a family before meals, or the prayer my pastor says in church as enough. Prayer is my connection and my way (and it is your way as well) to talk to the Almighty God of the universe, the who was before, is here now, and will be there in the future.

I need to rekindle my flames. Burn bright for all to see.

Ignition has occurred.

Will I let it choke out again?

Or will I do more to grow the flame to become a blaze for Christ? An inferno if necessary? To burn as a bright beacon, as a lighthouse for all to see.

Weight Up For Me

There's a pun but a simple truth in the title.

Ever since coming home for break, and now indefinitely as I look for a job and think if I want to continue my education, I've been putting on a couple pounds. Then it turned into several pounds, and sadly I'm back up to 200 pounds. At 5'11" (sometimes I'm 5'10", depending on the scale), that puts my BMI at 27.9. 2 points below the top end of the "overweight" category, and 2.1 points below the qualification for "obese".

I know BMI can't be the only number you look at because it doesn't account for differences in fat weight or muscle weight. But the idea is that I'm too heavy and not muscular enough to brush it off. I'd look way different at 200 pounds if I were mostly muscle.

Last I checked, my estimated body fat percentage was 21.8%, which isn't bad, except that was when I was 185-190 pounds. I doubt I put on 10 pounds of muscle, especially since I don't do push ups everyday like I used to, and it's been 3 months since I last had my 4 day a week gym routine. Sure I've been going to aikido practically 6 days a week, but sometimes those classes are slower in movement and more focused on developing the technique and skill. Other times, I'm slow moving because I'm teaching someone new or inexperienced. Not like I have a problem with that, especially if I want to open my own aikido dojo/school someday, but if aikido is my main exercise source, I gotta ramp things up elsewhere.

I could also probably not eat as many snacks and desserts, so that would help.

I gotta rebalance my life and drop some of the fat and rebuild my strength. I've been insecure about my weight since 2010-2011 when the bullying started, and even years later, I don't like my weight.

Here's to maybe Day 1 of restarting the old flames? I gotta push myself harder, since I'm not on campus and getting 10-15K steps everyday to help stave off the weight gain.

Letters

I can't really think of a much better way to start the workweek than to hear from my crush saying that the letter I wrote for her made her day. It warms my heart to know that I made her happy, and because she's my bestest friend and I want nothing but the best for her, for her to be happy, etc., it just makes me happy.

I guess one part of me is also happy because while I don't exactly remember word for word what I wrote in it (I have a general idea, I just didn't commit the entire thing to memory), it warms my heart to know that she appreciates it. For context, I'm pretty certain I just let my feelings out and just expressed all that she means to me in the letter. Not going to lie, but I was a bit worried about how that might be received. But it's a relief and a joy that I feel that she wasn't weirded out by the emotions. I guess she knows how I feel about her and that we've created a certain wording for how we express that to each other.

All in all, I just know that this is a girl I want to give my best efforts for. That I won't let the closing of a door to school stop me from pursuing after this girl with all I've got. I know that she's worth every ounce of effort, every drop of sweat so to speak. That she's the best person that I have ever met and that I never want to lose her. I know that I don't have to fear about losing her because she's my best friend and she tells me I'm her best friend.

To my best friend: If you're reading this, you mean the world to me, and I'll do everything I can to give you the world. You're the most special person I've ever met and ever cared about. You are worth everything I could ever give and then some. You're worth more than anything the world could ever give, and that still doesn't come close. I know that our Heavenly Father sees you as priceless, and so do I. I care about you so much, I appreciate you to the ends of the earth, I adore you with all my heart, I'd fight for you with all my strength, I'd support you with all my will, and I admire you as a treasure that no amount of gold, diamonds, nor pearls could ever compare to. You make me feel so good, and your happiness is one of my priorities. You help me to fight on everyday to better myself for the future. You support me like no other friend has ever. You make me so happy, so blessed, so grateful, and so thankful to be your best friend. Words could never express how I truly feel about you, but know that you're always the first person I think about when I wake up each morning.

You're my bestest friend and I would never trade anything for the memories we have and the friendship we have together. I hope you have an amazing week, bestie. You made mine amazing.

Purpose

I just want to find my purpose in life. I want to get a job or at least do something that I can feel accomplished or feel good about. I mean sure I go to aikido on a nightly basis and I feel good about the place I'm at after 13 years of training. But that's only one hour of every day (give or take) and that leaves a whole lot of time during the day for me to do..... what? I don't currently have a job, I'm waiting for someone, anyone, to answer my application and at least give me something to do. That way I can at least feel out the "real world" and see if I can think of something that I either want to continue in and move on up in the world, or if I want to change and go do something else.

I know I should just be constant in my prayer, asking God for His guidance, direction, and wisdom as far as His calling and plans for my life. But I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I can't sit around for my life, waiting until I get a high enough rank to open my own aikido dojo (which I want to do someday). I want to at least work a part (preferably full) time job so that I can get some cash flow to begin attempting to support myself financially. I want to become more responsible. But I can't do that with no responses on my job applications.

I know that trusting in God is all that I would need. That if I stay faithful to Him, that He will guide me. But it's just a bit of getting antsy just waiting for something. I know patience is a virtue, and quite honestly I could be working on that a bit more. But similarly I just want to feel like my days at home are productive. I've thrown away my opportunity to be a college student, in which I at least felt like I was getting something done. Even then I'm not so sure, because if I look at my final grades, did I really accomplish anything? Or was I just there to have fun and be semi-independent?

This waiting is rough. Being patient is far from being a strong suit with me. I could use more prayers for guidance on my life and where I'm supposed to go. I just want to feel like my life has a purpose greater than just doing the occasional house chores and showing up to aikido for a small chunk of time each day. There's got to be more for me out there. I can't imagine that my life is just going to be this lazy life forever. While yes, having all this free time is kind of nice, it's also a double edged sword because I feel like I'm nothing, that I'm worthless to society because I'm not contributing, even with a part time job or something.

What is my purpose or my calling in life? I guess that's a question I need to ask God, but where do I go in the waiting? What do I do in the here and now while I wait for God's plans to work out. I know He is constantly working and that He never stopped working in my life, but I just want something to do. Something to give me meaning to life.

Do I Deserve It?

I was just looking at the URL to access this blog. Before the whole "blogspot.com", mine has "libertysdarkknight".

I was thinking, that while yes I was the Liberty Batman, but do I still get to claim that? I'm no longer a Liberty student, and without that, I don't think I exactly fulfill any other criteria to be the Batman. I'm not exactly in shape for one. I'm not going to bother counting race or height, because those are factors outside of my control. It's not like I had a choice before I was born to be a 6'2" white man. I guess that muscularity and physique is also semi-limited by genetics, but it's not like I'm close to my full potential, whatever that limit may be.

I'm 197.7 pounds and can only bench my body weight for 1 rep max. I'm actually not sure if I can even do that anymore since it's been a solid 2 maybe even 3 months since I last went to the gym and lifted weights. Not really sure when I fell off the consistent workout schedule, but I know that I did. I've gotten soft again and I'm not in as good of cardio shape.

I've basically returned to the civilian life so to speak that I was in before I started working out. Sure I could be using the free time so to speak that I have now (until I get a job) to go workout and try to regain some of the strength and the endurance that I had previously lost. I mean it'd be for good health anyways.

That's beside the point. The point of this post is whether or not I deserve to still use the title "Dark Knight". Much less of identifying my knighthood to Liberty. My friends say that there are Liberty meme accounts and the like by people who aren't physically at Liberty, and maybe aren't even students. But I'm not sure. It feels a little wrong to still identify as such.

I guess I'll feel it out, maybe I'll transition into a generic Batman account and no longer focus on Liberty only. And maybe I'll use this to try to figure out some sort of workout plan that I like to get me back into shape.

I just feel like I have to earn the right to be the Dark Knight. Whether or not for Liberty is one story. To even be the Batman and emulate the hero that he is will take more work. Take a higher level of physical fitness and a higher level of mental capacity and functioning. All stuff that is achievable for me if I just try.

Let's get back to it then, shall we?

The End Times

Since I have no necessary need to wake up early to go to work (yet, but I will at some point whenever someone finally decides to answer my job applications), I watch the 11 o'clock news. It seems that every day (night?) there's always a new fire and another shooting. So much violence and destruction on a seemingly nightly basis. I'm not saying that we should employ gun control, because most of the shootings are done by people who are criminals, or have criminal intent. So laws wouldn't affect them if they really wanted to acquire a gun to shoot people. It only affects the law abiding citizens.

We're not here to talk about gun control though. That's a whole can of worms I am not opening today.

The fires are odd. I mean yeah sure you could ask me how. What I mean is that there's been a lot of them. Never on the year or two (or is it three?) that I've started watching the nightly news have I seen so many fires. In fact this past month has been the most I've ever seen fires ever. Police and firefighters are trying to determine the causes for the fires, but we never get a follow up on how they started. Maybe because it's not something the news reports about? Maybe I have to go search it myself?

The point being is that how did we go from fires few and far in between, or not even at all, then to a fire every day/night? And all the violence? It's not like it's a hectic holiday season and stress and tensions are up. It's just a lot of violence for some reason unknown to me.

Okay so sure I know the world isn't perfect. I know that there will always be violence because there's sin in the world. That even if we disregard religion for a moment, that there is negativity that courses through many people (myself included) that will drive us to violence one way or another if we keep getting pushed to our limits. But to this extent of so much violence?

It scares me. I texted a group chat and maybe he was joking, but my friend said it might be the end times. Perhaps a bit extreme of an evaluation. Is it really that far off? I don't mean to say I'm going to become one of those people that preach or claim the end of the world, but yikes that would definitely be scary if that were the case.

I guess we'll see where everything goes. I'm afraid of the end of the world if it really comes down to it. But at the same time I should have no fear because even if on the off chance any of the end times is true and I die, well I have my Lord by my side and I'll be brought to a better life after this one. Not to say I want to die, but I guess I should have no fear in death since I'll only die once if I continue to stay faithful to my Lord.

This world needs help and I want to help it. I don't know how I can or what I can do as a 20 year old with no work experience, no money of my own to make a sizable difference, and no supernatural powers or abilities or even superhuman abilities that can put me in a spot to really make a difference. I guess baby steps and just do whatever I can for the people around me and hope that it trickles to more and more.

Step one is being more positive and optimistic and spreading that to friends and family.

Here's to step one of being a better person to try to combat all of the destruction, violence, and negativity that I keep on seeing on the news.

Is It Normal?

Some days I am at peace with what has transpired and what my life is now that I'm job hunting and currently no longer an academic student (we're permanently students, learning in some capacity forever and ever). Some days I wake up or have moments of "why is this my life?" Or some days it's "I wish I could go back to the way things were".

I know that healing is going to take a long time to happen and I just need to get myself up every day, with a positive attitude and a positive outlook on life, but sometimes I just wish the clock could be rewound so I can fix the damage. I know damage control after the ship has sunk is not even worth the effort to worry, wish, yearn, etc for, but I just want it sometimes. My desires of my heart wish things were different.

I guess that might be the root to it all. What the heart wants. It's no secret but my heart still wants a relationship deeper or more than just best friendship with, well, my best friend who also is my crush. I know I shouldn't have put all my eggs into one basket so to speak, and that there also may be a chance if the Lord wills it to be. Speaking of which, I know I should be trusting in the Lord for His plans and His will for my life. To trust when He closes doors and opens new ones.

I find myself asking the Lord for this to work. But I know I just need to trust Him. It's also hard though because there are sayings like "distance makes the heart grow fonder" or "the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person". So I wonder if this time now is not the right time but that I have found the right person? And the long distance really makes me miss my best friend.

I guess I should just keep on praying. Maybe I need to let go? But I don't want to. It's not that I can't, it's that I won't. I have found something that felt really good while things were moving forwards, but with this setback, it makes me cling onto what was and not want to give it up in case there's a chance for that good feeling to come back because things could work out.

Is all of this normal behavior?

Am I being too clingy?

I guess if you're reading this, please pray for me and the circumstances. I need to trust God and what He's doing and know that everything is being worked out for my good. That whatever God had planned is the best for me.

Hero

Last night I watched 1917. I'd say it's an excellent film that inspires you to keep on persevering when life seems like all is lost. That even when you tried your best to do good and there's reason for you to step away from everything and give up, there's still a chance to get back up and work towards improving the circumstances.

Without spoiling the movie too much, I guess I'll talk about what I came to talk about.

Maybe it's just because of the way I am, but maybe there can still be some good that comes out of it. But for the longest time, or at least for as long as I can remember, I always liked getting trophies awards, badges, etc. I liked the idea of having a rank system that I can climb up, and while I do have some ranks that I can legitimately work to climb up (for example, aikido since I cannot dictate when I get to the next rank) I have created instances in which I create my own ranking system. I had used to run a fun group centered around Assassin's Creed in which my friend and I from home created our own "Assassin Brotherhood" and we had ranks that we climbed from the bottom up. Then as that group grew through getting some friends from college into it, we had a decent rank system going. It's too bad that group fell apart.

Now I find myself contemplating on creating a new rank system for the Batman account I run. Well more of the Facebook group that is associated with it (The Liberty Knights). If I did create a rank system, I'd probably change the name of the group. I'd also have to decide what the ranks are and what the purpose of people climbing the ranks would be. See it's easy for something centered around a video game because then we can all pretend like we worked our way up to become these Master Assassins. But what are you going to do for something themed after Batman? Especially when Batman typically works alone and even if he does work with others, he wouldn't have a following he could command (unless you look at the tail end of The Dark Knight Returns, when he's effectively in retirement as Batman and there's a bunch of people trying to uphold justice as he had as Batman).

Okay I sidetracked there for a moment.

I guess the term or idea of being a hero is something that interests me. To be acknowledged for doing something heroic or doing something that makes me feel like I am a protector or something? I'm not really sure why I like the idea of being a hero. Maybe because I still want to emulate Batman and he's a hero? I mean if you read a past blog post, it warmed my heart to be called my crush's hero.

Maybe after seeing 1917 and thinking of the idea of being a war hero sounds kinda cool, but that's no reason to join the armed forces.

Do I really want to do something heroic for the sake of doing something heroic? Or am I seeking recognition and fame or what have you because of the accolades of being a hero? I guess I need to figure out what it is that I want from it and whether or not it's a noble intent or a selfish one because I want the new titles and I want to feel recognized and accomplished.

I Finally Understand

Now that I'm job hunting, I finally understand what all the fuss about it is. I mean I could've figured from the memes that were made about it, but it really is pretty frustrating when you're trying to find a job to get settled a bit. I need to determine my job schedule so that I can find out about if I can take time off for family vacation in July, see if I have time to go visit my friends at Liberty, and just figure out where I'm going in life. At least figure it out a bit more than where I'm at right now.

Okay sure I have dreams and aspirations of eventually making my full time job to open and run my own aikido dojo, but that's going to take a lot of time to get the experience I need to sufficiently say I can be an instructor. Everything is in the works now that I am 1st degree black belt and have taught and still occasionally teach classes, but I still need to be at least 2nd if not 3rd degree black belt before I can open a dojo (that way I can try to become a fukushidoin, which are instructors who are 2nd or 3rd degree black belt). If everything allows me to train consistently, and assuming I can actually improve my skill and not just base it solely off of time spent training, then I can achieve 2nd degree by end of 2021, latest summer of 2022 at that year's summer camp, similar to how I tested at 2019's summer camp.

As I was saying, how can I possibly get a job position that I might be interested in (in this instance a bank teller to maybe work my way up) but they say I need 3 months of bank teller experience? How am I supposed to get experience in that job position if you won't let me get that job in the first place? I guess I can only try to find a bank that would allow me to go in with no experience and then try again at the different banks I was originally planning to go to, but still that seems kind of unnecessarily tedious for an entry level job.

Anyways, I'm just applying to wherever might be interesting or at least give me a job to get some work experience and some income flow. I don't know where life goes from here, but I just need to trust my God and keep on moving forwards.

Resume 1/17/2020

Okay so I'm not sure why I wanted to post about it, but after getting my resume looked over and getting suggested edits and everything added in, I feel pretty good about my resume. Sure it could've been better had I continued my studying in college or at least get an associate's degree, etc. But I still feel proud of the things I have managed to accomplish in life. It gives me hope that I'm not a complete failure and that there's still stuff for me yet. I mean of course I should just keep on running to God whenever I feel lost or feel like I've failed, and yes I should run to Him for His plan and His calling on my life. I guess I'm just celebrating the small victories as I find them.

Without further ado, here's what my resume looks like. I'm proud of it.

Geoffrey Yee

461 Massey Court, Wyckoff, NJ 07481

(201) 835-2705

Objective: Seeking an entry-level position to begin my career expanding my learning, knowledge, and skills.

Work Experience:

v  Yee Medicine & Pediatrics Associates                       Summers of 2014-2017

o   Administrative Assistant

§  Duties Include: Scanning patient charts to PDF files, attach each record to specific folders

Education:

v  Ramapo High School                                                              Diploma 2017

o   Franklin Lakes, NJ

o   Inducted into the Spanish World Language National Honor Society in 2017

Volunteer:

v  Cornerstone Christian Church

o   Usher

§  Duties Include: Greeting people, handing out weekly bulletins, collect tithes and offering, clean up after each service

Certifications:

v  Aikido                                                                                     2006-Present

o   1^st degree black belt registered with United States Aikido Federation in 2019

o   Covers teaching classes for head instructor when asked

v  Piano                                                                                       2005-Present

o   Completed Preparatory Class of the National Guild of Piano Teachers

Personal Interests:

v  Violin                                                                                      2008-2017

o   Learned and played violin for school orchestra

v  Trumpet                                                                                   2012-2017

o   Learned and played trumpet for high school marching band, starting in 8^th grade

All of it fits on one word document page, and until I get more experience that could be relevant to other career opportunities as I find them, I think this is a good place to start.

P.S. It would appear that my formatting got a bit bugged up, at least while looking at it from the editing view of this blog post. I suppose I'll see how it looks after I hit post.

P.P.S. Okay after looking at it, it's not the worst looking format error. It's pretty close to how it should look. Obviously it's not the way it looks in Word.

Stage 5

There are 5 stages to the grieving process. The acronym/initialism (slight difference in definition, but same idea) that is used is DABDA. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

I think out of seemingly left field, I've finally reached stage 5 of Acceptance. And you might be wondering, "Geoff, what were you grieving?" Simply put, and I don't know if it's exactly true if I was in a period of grief, but I was experiencing these stages through trying to figure out what to do in regards to the whole academic suspension.

Denial:
When it first happened, I was in utter disbelief. I mean I kinda expected it after examining my poor academic performance, but I had no idea it would surmount to something so seemingly extreme. Especially when I had all sorts of plans, I had not wanted to believe my suspension was real and happening.

Anger:
I became angry with myself shortly after, and angry that I hadn't done better. I began picking everything apart and realizing different plans that could've saved my skin. Things I could've done in order to have been able to stay as a LU student.

Bargaining:
I tried to bargain with God. I begged for a miracle to revert/delay the suspension to after this spring semester. I was hoping for something I didn't deserve. For something that wasn't in His plans for me. I just wanted to go back in time to undo my mistakes and do things the right way.

Depression:
Okay so maybe I wasn't clinically diagnosed with depression, but there have been days where I wake up with immense sadness because of the realization of what is happening and what I have "lost" since some things cannot come into fruition without me being on campus, such as hanging out with friends, and just doing everything that I have come to love doing with the community at Liberty.

Acceptance:
It's been 11 days since I had gotten that unfortunate email informing me of my academic status (or lack thereof). It's been 3 days since I went to go collect my stuff from the dorm, since I had left a good portion of it there with the intention of returning for the spring semester. I had said goodbye to one of my friends who was around since he lives there, and then that was the last time I was in the Lynchburg area. There are friends I haven't gotten to say goodbye to, and it pains me that that is the way things are, but I know that I have a close bond with them and that they are all just one text away, so I'm not really saying goodbye forever. I do intend on visiting them all during the semester for a weekend, at least once or twice if I can find the time.

Anyways, it seems out of nowhere, but as I approached my computer just before starting to write this post, I had felt a sense of "everything is going to be okay", "you are not alone", "this isn't the end". I felt calm and at peace.

So yes, I miss my friends, one of them more than others (obviously, I mean have you read any of my posts?) and I will definitely wish things were different. But change is good, and more importantly, God is good. He always has been good, He always is good, and He always will be good. If I trust Him, He will work all things out for my good. He does that for each and every one of His sons and daughters. All of us. I know that if I seek after His plan and His heart that I will find the plan and the calling He has for me and for my life. That if some of the things I wish for, that I yearn for, are a part of His plan that He will make a way for it to work. He is the Way Maker.

All in all, I finally am at peace. Not to say that I will always be at peace because life will almost definitely throw curveballs at me, but I am at peace with this situation/altercation, and I can move on and forwards into the next day, into the next part of His plan.

Fallen Order

I've never exactly been good at saving money. I've made quite a few impulse buys that have sunk me to a point where I can't buy things at a later date because of lack of funds. I mean I guess I should've just gotten a job way earlier on, that way I have a steady flow of income, but that's beside the point.

I wonder if I should really stop myself and mull over the thought process of what makes me want to buy something. I guess this one I'm going to talk about has been in the waiting for a bit, but that was mostly because again I didn't have the money to buy it right away. And now that I do have the money and it's been brought back to the forefront of my mind, I've gone ahead and gotten it.

Was it a good decision? Maybe. It'll definitely provide a lot of hours of fun, or at least I hope so. The people say it's good and I'm excited to try it out myself. Was it worth the money? That has yet to be determined. Could I have just gotten by without it? Most definitely.

So why get it? Well, my brother was planing on getting it for his Xbox, and I want to play it but don't want to ask to play on his, plus I prefer the whole gaming on PC rather than console. No I don't flame console users, but I just prefer the mouse and keyboard over the controller.

If you couldn't tell from the title of the post, I bought Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order. I'm super excited to play it, it's downloading as I write this post, and I'm not sure if I should have gotten it.

Yes I was happy when I bought it and watched the installation process begin. But looking at my life's current place? I need to be looking for jobs and making sure I put enough time in the right places: family, extra-curricular activities, helping out around the house, etc. Do I have the time to play a new video game? I could always make the time. But what is going to suffer from the switch in time commitments? What am I sacrificing?

I guess I might be a little too hard on myself for buying a video game, but I guess we'll just have to see how things go. I think everything in moderation is a good thing. But that's something I have struggled to work with. Had I been better at that, and maybe I'd still be a student at Liberty. I guess no point to beating myself up. I just need to learn and move forwards.

So with that long-winded post over a video game, will I become more responsible, or will I continue spiraling downwards?

Burn The Ships

In my recent times of worry and regret and wishes to rewind the clock to change past mistakes and errors, I realize that I need to run after the Lord with all my heart, mind, and soul. That I need to learn from my past and not dwell on it. That I need to break from the mould of what I have accepted and taken for granted for what life is.

Common to many people, I feel as though sometimes I hear the Lord speaking to me through song. More specifically, through for KING & COUNTRY. Their song "It's Not Over Yet" has been a favorite of mine since it came out, and I need that one more than ever now. That my life isn't over because I'm no longer following the path that many young adults my age follow. For the time being, no more college. Whether or not I go back to school in some capacity is a decision for later. Something I will keep asking the Lord for guidance on.

As of late, I have been clinging onto some of the more recent songs such as "God Only Knows" because I feel lost and scared and unsure of a lot of things, but I can trust my God who knows where I've been, where I am, and where I will go. Or another "Burn The Ships", because with getting comfortable to how life has been for as long as I can remember, I have become complacent and apathetic. That now is a time for growth, a time for trust, and a time to step forward. I need the comfort of my "ship" to be burned so that I have no choice to step forward. I need not fear because the Lord my God is with me. "Control" has been another because I am done trying to wrestle control over my life. I only want what God wants for me. What He planned for me since the Beginning. I want to seek after Him and His plan for my purpose and my calling on Earth. I need to relinquish my control and give it all to Him. And finally, "Need You More" because I need my Lord more than I've ever felt before. To guide me. To give me direction. To hold me when I feel lost and scared. To give me wisdom to know what I should be doing and how I should be handling things. For courage to change aspects of my life that need change. And for serenity to accept that things that have been done or that are out of my control will be fine and I need not worry about trying to change them.

I know not where I go, but I do know I have a purpose and a calling. I know not where that purpose or that calling is for now, but I will seek after the Lord in prayer, in worship, and in all ways I can as a human. I don't mean to write this to sound like I am better than you, the reader, but more of being accountable to be a better Christian and a better follower of Christ; a better man of God that I so quickly claim to be.

I want to look up in my lowest of valleys, and give praise in my highest of summits. This is day one of stepping out of the ashes and into a new life. One fully centered on God, and one that I will stop being lazy and take charge. I have been called a leader before, by friends, teachers, family, etc. I have never felt that I was a leader, but now is the time for me to become one. To become better.

The night has fallen, but the morning is not far away. Onwards I shall go, and onwards to the light. Even with the regrets I feel, it is the experiences I have learned that will carry me to the daybreak.

"Hope is like the sun: if you only believe in it when you see it, you'll never make it through the night" -Leia Organa

Prayers Please

I need help.

There's a lot of feeling of regret and longing for what could've been. A bit of beating myself up for not doing the work I had said I would do. Yearning for the plans I had originally made that are now gone because of lack of action in the past.

I had become to comfortable in my living conditions. I don't mean to say I am ungrateful or unthankful for the life I have been given. I just wish I had been able to have either been more open to my parents about grades or just less fear of bringing bad grades. Or even just that I would've avoided it altogether. If bad grades were such an issue, why not just strive to have good grades that you can celebrate?

Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I'm just upset because in hindsight, I see what I could've done better. I see a plan that is months too late to execute so that this week would've just been the last week of break. But now no more breaks. It's all just find a job and get moving with my life.

Maybe I'm too clingy. I don't know but I still wish for some things to work despite the fact that I had a hand in making it very difficult for it to work. With my lack of return to LU, I threw a wrench in my own plans. It's my fault, and I'm hurting because of it. I know healing takes time, but just the thought of all the good I had lost because of what I have done pains me. It feels like it reopens wounds.

I guess I'm really just asking for prayers of healing, of peace, of clarity, of guidance, of wisdom, and of trust in God and His plans. He can work all things to be for my good and for everyone else's good. He's a way maker, for the things He wills.

I know I should put my full hope and fulfillment in Him, but I have my own hopes for other things. My heart desires things, and I just want to keep on praying for encounters with God through Scripture and prayer to see if my desires are pure and can glorify His kingdom. That is the ultimate goal.

So please pray for me. Pray for everything I said above. Pray for me to trust the Lord in His plans and in His timing. Pray that I stop living in the past, and start living in the present to strive toward a better tomorrow. Healing can begin now, if I just stop poking at the soft spots and reopening my own wounds.

Knightfall

So it's all a reality. All of it.

My world's fallen apart, but there is hope for me yet.

My pain is here, but I'm on the road to healing.

My dreams of a wonderful future with who I still hope to be my special someone were crushed, but God has a plan. Not to say anything but I am hoping. If God so wills it, He will provide a way.

My future is uncertain, but it was uncertain before. Clarity is coming. Ideas are sprouting. There is a future, I just have to step forward. Even into darkness.

My time as a Liberty student have ended, but this doesn't have to be my end.

Perhaps of lesser importance, yet that also includes the conclusion of my role as the Liberty Batman. Do I rebrand to just become a Batman fan page? Do I initiate the Knightfall Protocol?

I am uncertain of where life goes, I am hopeful, I have a rock. A solid rock. A rock that I can always grasp ahold to. A friend who was here before, here now, and here in the future.

And no matter if there is more or not for us, I have my bestest of best friends. She's been incredible to me, and I wouldn't even be here now, writing this post because I would be crippled under the shame and guilt and the doubt in myself.

To my other great and best friends, you all have been awesome, and I hope that while my road at Liberty comes to an end, that it doesn't mean our journey together has to come to an end. I hope that we will all have more memories in person together. You all have been the best. Thanks for being phamily.

Onwards to my next step. To a job and learn to become more responsible. To running to a God who is eternal. To encountering a God who can change my heart and reveal my true desires with every encounter.

Wake Up Call

I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I am full of regret.

As you may be aware, I'm not the most stellar student. But I really messed up badly. I've received an email regarding my academic status, well lack of academic status now. I've been put on academic suspension. What that means is that one week before the semester starts, I've been told I am "not permitted to return for the spring 2020 semester". Everything's been paid up though, so I guess they're going to have refund the $17,000, right?

The toughest part is that I haven't told my parents yet. They deserve to know because they've been paying for my college education. I've screwed up and wasted away time and their money. I've flunked out of college is what this is saying. But because I haven't said anything yet, they're under the impression that I am going back to LU for the semester. I know I owe to them to tell them. I'm just trying to process everything.

Maybe this is a wake up call to rely on the Lord. Because with no degree and no skills that I can think of, my only option is to either attempt to apply to some other college, or just start working. LU has said I could appeal the academic suspension, but only after staying at least 1 full semester residential at another college and achieving a 2.5 GPA or better, at which point I could attempt to appeal the status. But even then readmission is not guaranteed.

The part that hurts me the most is that I thought and felt like everything was going right. I had become best friends with the girl I like, I had all these great plans for our future, even just going on adventures and stuff as we called it. She had similar plans. And now I ruin the start of both of our 2020's by learning this news last night. I owed it to her to be honest and open with everything that is going on with me. But now I've done the one thing I promised her I wouldn't: I hurt her. I promised her I would protect her and that I would never hurt her. And now I've gone and hurt her. The real stinger is that I know her past with relationships and I wanted to give her better. But look at what I've done.

Now my plans to see her again, to be with her again, is all thrown away because I couldn't get my act together and do at the very least the one thing I went to LU for in the first place: to do well academically.

I've prayed about a lot of different things, but I still need to keep praying. I've asked a lot of people to pray about the situation. I'm hoping for a miracle so that I may return for at least this spring semester. I ultimately just want whatever God's will for my life. But this is just really rough, and I'm hurting.

Is this a wake up call to get more invested in my faith? Where do I go from here? Is this a closing of one door? Where and what is the new door being opened? I know I need to trust and rely on God, but this is terrifying, I'm scared, and I'm afraid of the consequences I deserve because of my actions, well lack of actions in school. My parents have every right to be upset, angry, frustrated, what have you. It was their money and I've gone and wasted it.

If you're reading this, please pray for me. Pray for guidance, direction, wisdom, and peace for the situation. Pray that I trust God, and that there's still something out there for me. Pray for me to find what God's will is and to go with it. Pray for strength, courage, and bravery to face my parents and give them the truth that they deserve.

I'm begging for a miracle that I don't deserve. I'm begging for one last chance. I mean I have to go back and at the very least take the stuff I have left there. I'm hoping and begging that I can just stay for this semester. I just want one last chance to do things the right way. It's been paid for, so keep the money and let me stay. One more semester is all I ask.

I'm scared

I'm terrified

Help

God please help me

God help me to know your voice

Help me to hear you

Lord I am afraid, and I want your will, but God I'm lost and I don't know where to go if I truly am not returning to LU

Please, Lord.

...The Beginning of Another

The 2020's are here and with the new year, a new decade. A new chapter to life, just like every year. A whole new decade to set forth towards fulfilling God's Plan.

Every person has their New Year's Resolutions, and mine is to really work on not swearing and cleaning up all my jokes. I will try to refrain from weird jokes and dark humor. I also want to align myself more with however God wants me to go as a man for Christ.

Time for the next chapter, and new and great things are waiting for me this year. Time to start this decade off right. Right for me, right for my family, right for my friends, and most importantly, right for God.