Wake Up Call

I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I am full of regret.

As you may be aware, I'm not the most stellar student. But I really messed up badly. I've received an email regarding my academic status, well lack of academic status now. I've been put on academic suspension. What that means is that one week before the semester starts, I've been told I am "not permitted to return for the spring 2020 semester". Everything's been paid up though, so I guess they're going to have refund the $17,000, right?

The toughest part is that I haven't told my parents yet. They deserve to know because they've been paying for my college education. I've screwed up and wasted away time and their money. I've flunked out of college is what this is saying. But because I haven't said anything yet, they're under the impression that I am going back to LU for the semester. I know I owe to them to tell them. I'm just trying to process everything.

Maybe this is a wake up call to rely on the Lord. Because with no degree and no skills that I can think of, my only option is to either attempt to apply to some other college, or just start working. LU has said I could appeal the academic suspension, but only after staying at least 1 full semester residential at another college and achieving a 2.5 GPA or better, at which point I could attempt to appeal the status. But even then readmission is not guaranteed.

The part that hurts me the most is that I thought and felt like everything was going right. I had become best friends with the girl I like, I had all these great plans for our future, even just going on adventures and stuff as we called it. She had similar plans. And now I ruin the start of both of our 2020's by learning this news last night. I owed it to her to be honest and open with everything that is going on with me. But now I've done the one thing I promised her I wouldn't: I hurt her. I promised her I would protect her and that I would never hurt her. And now I've gone and hurt her. The real stinger is that I know her past with relationships and I wanted to give her better. But look at what I've done.

Now my plans to see her again, to be with her again, is all thrown away because I couldn't get my act together and do at the very least the one thing I went to LU for in the first place: to do well academically.

I've prayed about a lot of different things, but I still need to keep praying. I've asked a lot of people to pray about the situation. I'm hoping for a miracle so that I may return for at least this spring semester. I ultimately just want whatever God's will for my life. But this is just really rough, and I'm hurting.

Is this a wake up call to get more invested in my faith? Where do I go from here? Is this a closing of one door? Where and what is the new door being opened? I know I need to trust and rely on God, but this is terrifying, I'm scared, and I'm afraid of the consequences I deserve because of my actions, well lack of actions in school. My parents have every right to be upset, angry, frustrated, what have you. It was their money and I've gone and wasted it.

If you're reading this, please pray for me. Pray for guidance, direction, wisdom, and peace for the situation. Pray that I trust God, and that there's still something out there for me. Pray for me to find what God's will is and to go with it. Pray for strength, courage, and bravery to face my parents and give them the truth that they deserve.

I'm begging for a miracle that I don't deserve. I'm begging for one last chance. I mean I have to go back and at the very least take the stuff I have left there. I'm hoping and begging that I can just stay for this semester. I just want one last chance to do things the right way. It's been paid for, so keep the money and let me stay. One more semester is all I ask.

I'm scared

I'm terrified

Help

God please help me

God help me to know your voice

Help me to hear you

Lord I am afraid, and I want your will, but God I'm lost and I don't know where to go if I truly am not returning to LU

Please, Lord.