Who's Watching The Watchers?

I noticed as I logged in to write my last post "Building Confidence" that all of the sudden all of my recent blogs have 1 view on it, up from 0. I honestly don't care too much who views my blog. It's just a space for me to post my thoughts and to work out something by authoring them out on a page.... or a digital one at that.

I also noticed that a potentially inflammatory post got up to 4 views. I wonder if it's the same person who caused that post who's viewing it. But hey if it is, just know that I'm done with you and you can make whatever you want from these blogs, but if you want to cut me out of your life, then I shall do the same to you. It was great to know you and to have some fun memories together, but sadly if you lacked communication and weren't clear in your thoughts, I'm done with you. It's truly a shame things ended this way.

But assuming that these viewers are not the same viewers who used to be on my blog before I rebranded it and everything, sorry to drag you through that drama. But it is what it is. Whoever you are, just know that this blog has little filtering, aside from cuss words, at least over these past couple of months. Fair warning that if you go to some of the first posts here, there was a good bit of colorful language, but I've been working on breaking that bad habit, so just avoid those early posts if you don't like the language.

Anyways, to whoever may or may not be reading this, welcome to my world. Take what you will from this blog, but honestly, if it changes your opinion of me, then I'd prefer if you stay off of it. But I'm not your dad. I won't tell you how to live your life. Chances are you're an adult, and we should treat each other as adults.

Disclaimer: Technically only adults in the eyes of the law. Unless you're over the age of 25, psychology would say that you're a young adult if you're over 18. We're all trying to find ourselves and sharpen the skills and pathways that will bring us to our careers. So be civil in how you react.

Building Confidence

I guess I got so used to doubting my physical capabilities because I've not been in this kind of physical shape before. Sure, junior year of high school I managed to lose 30 pounds, but then I was skin and bones. I also eventually put that weight back on by the time end of freshman year of college finished. Whoops.

But now I'm currently at a net loss of 15 pounds (started a year ago at 200 pounds), and am remarkably stronger than I've ever been in my entire life. And I'm not even exaggerating on that. Back in junior year of high school, and my lightweight 160 pounds, I thought I was in the best shape of my life, but now that gets knocked down because my strength was incredibly low. Also I was probably dangerously thin back then. I mean I look at pictures from 2015-6 when that whole phase went through, and I look super gaunt. Anyways, I digress. Nowadays, I can bench technically over bodyweight (since I lost 5 pounds after coming back to college, so I did bench bodyweight but then losing 5 pounds make it over), I can lat pulldown 125-130 pounds for reps, I can curl 30 pound dumbbells with relative ease, and a whole slew of other exercises.

Last night, my friends (who are at 55-70 pounds lighter than me) were doing chin ups, and I thought that at my weight and since I still struggle trying to do pull ups, I figured I'd not even be able to do 1. I did 6 in a row before my strength gave out. So I exponentially surpassed my expectations, and I intend to just do a lot more chin ups to build my strength to eventually a pull up. I mean sure I can lift all the weight that I want from lat pulldowns, but it's different than actually lifting my body. Chin ups are also used as progressions to pull ups, so I'm super stoked about my progress.

Anyways, I guess I should have more confidence in myself and my abilities. With less self-doubt, there's no telling where my potential ends. This feels great, and now I want to try testing my limits on a lot of other things to see if I was the true obstacle holding myself back.

Oh The Irony Pt. 2

Imagine being someone who gets so annoyed at another that their comments or replies make that person the "annoying Asian kid" who was once your friend, and you don't defend them or at least give them a chance to defend themselves, then also blow up on that person when they merely wish you a happy birthday because they aren't allowed to act as if everything is okay. Or then to block that person because they didn't realize what you were getting at in a vague comment.

Yes, I'm salty about it, but only because this person that did all of that to me still acts like she can just casually like my Instagram posts as if she didn't light any fires. I mean think about it: I was just replying to a few of her 20 some odd tweets per day, and it's perceived as "every post I see on the internet",  to the point where I get blocked. Then when I do something as simple as "happy birthday", I get blown up on because I'm not allowed to move on. But then it's okay for her to do the same things I did, to block people, to be rude to people, to be petty towards people, and then just casually like posts on Instagram as if nothing happened. As if she didn't write this long winded comment on a LU Crushes post about me saying how I'm immature and how I'll just block people with no reason, and that whoever was crushing on me should run while they still can.

But yeah, she's totally innocent. What am I talking about? I'm totally the villain here 100%. /s

Honestly, whatever. Go ahead and like my Instagram posts. I won't block you because I've changed from my past ways, and if you want to watch my success or my fun, by all means. I mean in the end, you boost my like count, and while I don't really focus on how many likes I get, it's still nice to watch the number go up.

Step Into A New Day

I'm going to be real with you, right here, right now. For the past 5 years of my life (so from age 15 to present age 20), I've unfortunately struggled with pornography and masturbation. From a secular worldview, it really doesn't matter, it's just a part of life. "Every man struggles with it, so it's not a big deal". That kind of thinking didn't help me fight this. As a Christian, if for nothing else, I should not be lusting, much less seeking my own sexual pleasure from lust. Over the past year, I've tried and tried and tried again to break free from this horrible and sinful habit. I've trained and wired my mind to seek for that dopamine hit, that release of serotonin to just make me feel good. And I got it trained so that porn was the way I can get those neurotransmitters released. Basic human biology tells my body that that is what I want, and the fallen world has given me a very easy method of seeking it out.

Sex and just sexual pleasure in general was a gift from God, to be enjoyed and used within the bounds of marriage, and to not be sought after outside of it, whether intercourse or masturbation. It became an addiction. One that I'm not proud to admit I've had, but one that I will have experience in, should the day come when I need to help a potential future son. To know exactly what he's going through, to be equipped. I'm not saying that to justify my downfalls. It's definitely not something that needed to be experienced and not something you should seek out to experience if you haven't done so already, but I can now use my experiences to guide anyone that may need it. Of course, I'm just beginning to break free, so I've got plenty to learn myself before I'm truly able to help.

For the longest time over the past year that I would try to stop looking at porn, I'd go a maximum of 9 days in a row before temptation got the hold of me. Today, as I write this post, I'm on day 10. Sure that's only 1 more day longer than my previous record, but notice I've said I've tried a multitude of times to break free. And that with 9 days being the longest I've ever gone, there have been times when I go 4, 5, or 6 days before breaking down. I actually was very tempted earlier this week, on day 5 to break back into it. But I fought on.

Full disclosure, I technically did masturbate the other day, but I did focus on not having lustful thoughts. Whether or not that breaks the streak, I'm not counting it against the streak. But I also do want to break free from masturbation. You may be wondering why I don't count it against it. After seeking counsel from others, and repenting for even just the action on its own, whether or not there was the sin of lust involved, I came to my conclusion on my own conscience that masturbation without lust is not exactly sinful. Sure it shouldn't be done anyways, but my main struggle has been lust, with masturbation just tied right onto it as a sort of secondary effect to it all. I fully intend on never masturbating again. It's a waste of time sort of, all for just a little bit of feel good brain chemicals. It's really not worth the time and effort to get those, when there are much more pure things and things that can even glorify God that can produce similar results for the amount of effort I'd have to put in.

So as the title says, "Step Into A New Day", I've stepped into a day 10 that I've not been able to do once before ever since starting this downfall. It's a far, far better thing that I do. It's a far, far better rest that I go to.

Fear

Ever since the fall of mankind, the devil has been at work to pull us away from the God Almighty. He can try all he wants to, and sometimes he succeeds in his work, but there is still One True King who is above him in every way, and he knows that. He knows he's on the losing side of this battle, that one day the Lord will make His comeback and will bring us all home to Him.

But until that day comes, this fallen world is a dark place and a tough spot for Christians and anyone of really any faith to be a part of. There is so much darkness in the world, and it's something that we can only try to shine our light through. Light only shines the brightest in the darkest of places. There will be a lot of things that will try to snuff our lights, but if we cling to the brightest light there is, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, then we can do what His Great Commission calls of all of us.

So the title. Fear. It's a powerful tool that is very easily used by the devil. A tool that can leverage someone's survival instincts, to seek self-preservation. It's not a bad thing to try to protect oneself. But it is a bad thing if fear drives our every step. There are some times in which fear has no place here. That fear has no grip on us. If we were to cower at anything that invokes fear, then we will become oppressed people, and it will be harder for the unreached peoples to know about Jesus. How can we reach to them, if we run at first sight?

Now sometimes fear is also justified. The safety of one's self and the safety of loved ones is always a good reason to take advantage of the feeling of fear to hide and to seek protection. Someone has got to be there to take a stand to fear, to protect those who cannot, lest the fear become an oppressive force.

Why do I talk about this? Well, there have been rumors that from the "dark web", of potential people looking to shoot up movie theaters around the time of the Joker movie release. Will this stop me from going to see a movie? It's a tough judgment call. I know that I should be careful and probably avoid movie theaters, but I also do not want to cower because of a rumor. Am I being reckless? Possibly.

You might be thinking, "Geoff, you're out of your mind if you decide to go to the theaters anyways". Perhaps you're right. Perhaps there's a misplaced and misguided sense of being a protector that drives me to be there in the event tragedy strikes and I might have to act. Is it some false sense that I am truly a hero? That I can be someone's hero? Am I overconfident in my strength and my abilities that I might put myself in harm's way? All of these possibilities are definitely out on the table.

Nonetheless, here's my plan: If these rumors start surfacing more and more and there is probably cause that something bad will happen, I won't go to the movies in a week. If it's all just speculation, I'm not going to hole up in my dorm and regret not taking advantage of my time off to enjoy a movie. I'll be careful, I'll prepare myself, and I'll arm myself with whatever I can. Mostly just a pocket knife and whatever of my training is left once fear and adrenaline start kicking in. God forbid it comes down to it, but I will not let fear win.

Perhaps I'm psychotic in thinking that I am able to be a protector. Perhaps this false sense and pretending to be the Batman has got me thinking that I can be that symbol of hope. Whatever it is, I will take the time to think about it, and will be seeing how this next week progresses. Just know that whatever it is that happens, it's all a part of the plan.

Fear has no place here. I will not stand for it. I will fight it.

I am vengeance.

I am the night.

The Answers

I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, as I should just be thankful and grateful for all the Lord has blessed me with thus far. But it just feels like He's answering a lot of my prayers and all of it at once. It's been a wild kind of day. Let me elaborate.

So first off, while it's more important to be focusing on my walk with Christ rather than to look for a romantic partner, that area of my life has been going really well over the past week. For starters, check out the post "It Went Well". Then this morning I read messages that she's down to hang out for a second time. While this may or may not necessarily lead into a relationship deeper than just friends, it's been good, and it has been a blessing. I'll trust the Lord for wherever He wants this to go.

Secondly, I've been praying a lot about where my life is supposed to be going. I've wondered if teaching Aikido is my calling since I recently found this passion for it. Well, to be honest, I'm not really sure if it's a passion or if it's merely just riding the adrenaline high from passing my shodan test. But regardless, I came in contact today with someone who's interested in learning. This guy has dabbled for a couple years each in various martial arts, and asked me to teach him. He's also going to teach me some of what he knows, so it's a mutual benefit. The part where it could be an answer or part of an answer to my prayers is that I've been trying to figure out how to start an Aikido club, but I also don't know where I can find mats to train on for safety reasons for falling practice and it's a lot softer than turf or grass. This guy that reached out to me says he's friends with the president of the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu club, who uses the mats they have here. He said he'd get in contact with him and see if we can use the mats. If that's a yes, then that's one step closer to starting a club here.

Thirdly, I heard in class, from my Old Testament Survey professor, that God's calling isn't to step out of my comfort zone but to invade my comfort zone with the Gospel. That I'm not supposed to get comfy in my comfort zone, but again to invade it with the Gospel. If I can just figure out how to glorify God in all the things I do, in all the passions that I have, then my life will be for the Great Commission, and that's a life more than worth living for.

Everything seems to be falling into place right now, and it just feels good. All of it. Praise God for every little bit of it, even the seeming insignificant and infinitesimal parts to it all. All of this is for His Glory, and none of it is for mine.

The Decision

I guess I did say I was going to consult other people as to what I should do as far as giving my information goes, but then I decided to just not bother filling out the information.

I mean, I can find other ways to get my CSER hours in anyways. I have the volunteer work at my home church over the summer, so if I were to just figure out how to log those hours, it would be good enough anyways.

Also, I don't really know what would be expected of me and I really don't feel like youth ministry is for me. Even if it's only games that I run, I doubt that I'm only there to run games, plus I'm not a games specialist, at least not one that I would want to teach others. I'll teach others in various other ways, but just not games, because frankly, I'm not creative enough.

Too Much Information

To set this up properly, here's what you need to know: as a Liberty student, we're forced to complete a certain number of hours of community service, or as they call it "Christian Service" which gets abbreviated to "CSER". I agree that it is a good thing that we should be pouring back into the community that poured into us, and even more so that as Christians, we are called to serve, but at the same time, to force it seems like it might lead to lack of enthusiasm or lack of a genuine heart to serve. I also understand that if it isn't mandatory, then many people would probably not do it at all.

To fill these hours, it's just community service in which you just document the time you've done, where you've done it, and what you did. At least as far as I know. I've technically not logged any hours whatsoever, but that's mainly because I don't know how to log the hours that I do over the summer. So on paper, I'm way far behind. I could and probably should just find something to do during the semester, so that I don't have to worry about it, and that it doesn't build up to a seemingly impossible task to make up (of which it's already beginning to look like that).

This time around, I actually was trying to consider some options for what I could do. My friend's church is looking for volunteers to help out during their Wednesday night youth groups. I expressed some interest, and then got hit with a application form and a background check form.

It was coming out of left field, so to speak. I mean I get it, you want to make sure the person qualifies for what they are seeking to do, and that since I'd be helping out with minors, that I'm not some criminal or anything. But at the same time, these forms are asking for a lot of personal information. I don't just mean stuff like name and date of birth.

The application form asks for stuff like marital status, when your anniversary is, and your driver's license number. I'm not really sure why they need that information. What does it matter if I'm married or not, and even if I am, why do you need to know my anniversary? Then why do you need my driver's license identification number? It's not like I'm driving any of these kids anywhere, I'm only driving myself. So as long as I have a license, who cares? You don't need to know my number.

Then on the background check that my friend gave me last night, I'm extremely hesitant to fill it out. Honestly, I just don't want to bother volunteering at this church anymore because they are asking for even more personal information. They want my social security number and my state ID. I know the former, but not the latter. I can understand it's a background check, and that the only way to really do a background check is to have the government run my SSN. But just like the application form, I felt and still feel uncomfortable to just give away this information to a church I know very little about.

Side note: On the application form, there was a question asking if I agree with the church's doctrine and if I will fully lend my support and uphold their views. I do not even know anything about their doctrine, so I'm not signing my name to that. I chose to neglect that question.

Maybe I'm being too harsh or too paranoid or whatever you want to call it. But I don't know anything about this church, and I don't really want to just give away my SSN or my driver's license number willy nilly just to get the required volunteer hours. I know that they are supposed to be a church and that whatever they truly do with my sensitive and personal information is between them and God, but while I'm on this earth, these numbers are of high importance and are not to just be shared.

I was thinking about this before, and I realize that the one time I just wrote my SSN on a form was at Liberty's gun club for when my friends and I went shooting. Honestly, I'm not sure what the difference is now. I don't know if I even hesitated to write my SSN for the gun club to make sure I'm not some criminal and going to use their guns to shoot people up. I'd like to think that maybe it's because Liberty already has my SSN because of college applications. But still, I cannot remember what I was thinking or not thinking when I wrote it down.

Am I being paranoid? Should I finish out this process? I mean I neglected all of the sensitive info on the application form, so I doubt that even if I actually fill out the background check 100%, that they would ask for me to come in. Not only after filling out these 2 forms, I still have to go in for an interview.

Honestly, it just seems easier to try to just figure out how to log these service hours based on the stuff I do in the summer. My home church never asked for my SSN, at least as far as I know. But even if they did, I was a minor when I initially began to volunteer, so it was my parents' decision, and I've also gone to that church ever since we moved in, 17 years ago (give or take a year or two since we started going when I went to preschool, so maybe 15-16 years we've been at that church). I've only been to this church in Monroe, VA for I think 3 times this semester, and once a long while, so 4 services attended, and I don't really know anything about them.

Whatever it is, I'm just going to think about this. I should probably pray about it, and maybe I should call my parents and see what they say I should do. I'm not sure.

It Went Well

Well I guess I was panicking for no reason, because as the title would imply, the group hangout/meet up thing went pretty well. I didn't even have to play soccer either.

We tried to play soccer, but apparently the intramural teams get the indoor fields all night, so then we went to go shoot some hoops. We got maybe 15-20 minutes in before we were asked to leave because again, more intramural teams were going to be using the courts. Then we ended up doing rock climbing. Or bouldering technically.

We all had a fun time, and we did our best even though we didn't really have many skills, for all of us, in basketball, and Dan and I were slightly more proficient at rock climbing. It was a group of 4, so Dan and I, and the girl and her friend. Not gonna lie, she's actually pretty cute haha. Well let's not get ahead of myself.

Anyways, after we got tired out at the rock wall, we went to Chick-Fil-A for dinner. It was nice to just slow down and chat, since you can't really chat while shooting hoops nor while rock climbing, save for a couple exchanges here and there.

I think it went better than I had originally thought it would. Even Dan says I wasn't even awkward like I had originally thought I was going to be.

I guess I just gotta chill out and just see if this leads to anything more. I'm not sure what else may or may not come of it, but it could be a step in the right direction.

I Can't Sports

I've never been the athletic type. Just the one who would rather sit at home and play video games or watch TV, or otherwise just take it easy and chill. I mean as of late I've been more inclined to do anything that involved physical activity, now that I'm pulling into shape and actually have some stamina.

I guess the title is partially wrong since martial arts does indeed count as a sport. Maybe not one of your typical ones where you have some sort of ball involved, or any competitions like that, at least for the one I do, but a sport nonetheless. And I guess I'm pretty good at it if I reached black belt in it. I'd hope I'm at the very least decent at it since I did spend the last 13 years of my life training relatively consistently. I guess disclaimer here is that the first 4-5 years was in the kid's program, so not super intense training, and it was only twice a week. Then I didn't really start training hard until maybe 4 years ago? 5 at most? I guess the important thing here is that I was building my skill slowly but surely, and it's finally amounted to a milestone.

Anyways, the point of this is to state for the record that I'm by no means good at any other sport. I know a few rules and how to play a couple of sports to a recreational level, which is all I need I suppose.

For those who aren't on LU Crushes (since I apparently neglected to make a blog about it haha), I got posted about and at first I wasn't going to believe it since every post that I've supposedly gotten never resulted in anything more than just the post. Naturally, I'd think it's just a troll post or a fake post, etc. But I did actually get DM'ed, and not gonna lie, this girl is pretty cute.

The plan now is to meet up in person, and both of us are bringing some friends, to play soccer at the indoor soccer field at LU. I've been super nervous about this whole thing, because this kind of feeling or even circumstances have never happened to me before. Never have I had some girl call me cute (it was in the DM's), and want to meet me lol. I'm not really sure to what extent she is crushing or not crushing on me, but I guess if worst comes to worst, I have a new friend, and that is good too.

I'm partially hoping that something comes out of this more than just a friendship. It would be nice. But I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, because I need to just be myself and focus on having a good time tomorrow night.

I guess stay tuned for future updates.

This Day Extracts A Heavy Toll

Well perhaps not this day exactly because the timestamp will be for Thursday, Sept 19 since it's after midnight, but whatever. The title works and is a meme, but this post will sadly not be a meme.

Wednesday nights, for those who don't go to LU, are nights in which there is hall meeting followed by what's called community groups. During groups, we would talk about what was discussed during campus community, but I never go for whatever reason. I probably should go, I can definitely make the time for it, but who knows?

Anyhow, at the end of groups, we state any prayer requests and close in prayer. Given that a week ago, I managed to say something about then potentially, and now confirmed feelings for a girl, they asked for an update. I gave them the abridged version (is that the right term? Whatever means shortened and lacking in detail). I don't feel comfortable sharing every detail just yet, as everything has happened so fast. I still need time to process everything, and probably some more workouts to iron things out, literally and metaphorically, and of course pun intended.

The heaviness that I refer to in the title stems from the part in which after sharing a slight update, I felt this heaviness. This sadness. This, I don't know? I'm not really sure why I felt this way. I felt as if I had lost something precious to me. That I had missed a great opportunity or something like that.

There's really no need for that train of thought because I came to an understanding with this POI, and we both now know the direction we seek after, and I suppose it wasn't ruled out as a possibility if everything goes according to plan for our own personal growth and development. I mean at least it wasn't explicitly said that the possibility was ruled out.

Not to say that I'm guaranteed for it to work out anyways, or that I'm going to chase after it with fervor or anything, or even as simple as hoping it still works, but you know, it's definitely available still, just on a delay if it ever does come to fruition.

I don't know what's going on, and I need to figure out what I'm going to do with myself from here on out.

Coming To Terms

So today was quite the eventful day.

My friend meant to send a screenshot to me, trying to help me out by being my wingman, but then ended up accidentally sending the screenshot to a group chat, which includes a person of interest. The screenshot was also followed by phrasing that spilled all the beans.

While I will say that I did kind of wake up on the wrong side of the bed, so to speak, I was naturally angered by that mistake. I'm not angry anymore, at the time of this writing, but that's because I had a solid workout (so I took out aggression on the irons), and I talked it through with both my friend and the person of interest.

The reason why I was steaming before was because in the past, I'd reveal my feelings for a girl, whether or not I intended to since my subtlety and ability to hide things is not the greatest, and she'd give the nice "let's just be friends". Unfortunately, in the past, it would be more of a nice way of "I don't want to talk to you anymore". So I'd lose friendships over my feelings. Not exactly a fun thing.

But while talking to POI, I realized that she had a slight fear of losing me as a friend because there have been people who left her and abandoned the friendship because one thing went wrong. Through long talks, we ended up learning what direction we both want to go, and we're luckily still friends.

It was a wild day, and maybe I'll elaborate later, but most likely not. I still need to brew my thoughts properly. It all happened so fast, so I'll be back if I feel inclined to do so.

Crown Jewel

Being one with the memes and being able to quote memes on the fly and to use them as responses, whether they're just responses to a question on their own or a response to a response meme, I take pride in my meme knowledge.

Now I don't often create my own memes, but I'm starting to branch out into making memes. Today, the odds were in my favor because there was no other way that this could've happened aside from pure luck or extreme timing and usage budgeting. But I have discovered and captured what I will call my crown jewel of memes. The ultimate combination of a nice meme and a blaze meme that's only achievable on a device with a battery and the ability to tell the time.

So if you haven't been able to figure out the meme I'm talking about just yet, well it's the meme of having a phone battery at 69% (nice) at the time of 4:20 pm (blaze it).

Whether or not you want to believe me that this is a screenshot of my own is up to you. But I know it's mine, and I can even show you the screenshot right before it where it turned 4:20 and my phone was still at 70%

As you can see here, the time is 4:20 on Saturday, September 14th. The battery percentage is at 70%. So I had less than 60 seconds to burn enough power so that the phone will display 69%, but not too much where it would drop to 68%. I started opening random apps and even started playing a YouTube video that I randomly clicked on. Also to prove that this is my screenshot, you can see in the faded out background that there's a picture of me on my birthday in front of the steakhouse that I went to, a.k.a. the same picture I am currently using for basically every social media profile picture.

This is the exact moment that the crown jewel of memes for me happened. While the faded out background is not of my home screen, so technically you are unable to identify whether or not this is indeed my screenshot, notice I drew a rough bat symbol over the text notification for my family group chat.

Whether or not you believe me in that this was indeed a screenshot of my own and not something that someone else happened to have and that I just downloaded and claimed for myself (which while I have done, I've never explicitly claimed those memes as mine, I just use them for karma farming on Reddit haha), the proof is here. And if you choose not to believe my proof, then you're SOL.

I'm proud of it, and you can't tell me otherwise.

Thirty Thousand

At first you might think that this title is peculiar. But once you get reading, I'm sure that you'll understand.

One of my best friends and I use Facebook messenger as our main source of contact. That was mostly because back when I first met him 2 years ago, he didn't have an unlimited texting plan or something, so to text over Messenger was the best option. I mean who cares, texting is texting, it doesn't matter if it's phone number to phone number, or some other app. It's just messaging.

So I'm not entirely sure how this Google Chrome extension calculates it, but basically the extension is supposed to count the total number of messages sent in your Facebook Messenger conversations. That's including your own messages, so the numbers are totals between sent and received, not purely just sent and vice versa with received. That would be ridiculous with the numbers I have.

Also, I'm pretty sure the number also counts images as it's own message, so all the countless memes we've sent would definitely up the numbers.

So yep, we have 30,000 (thirty thousand) messages sent to each other over these past 2 years.

TWO YEARS

Isn't that crazy? I mean it's a lot, and the average for 2 years (730 days, not counting the days since the official 2 year mark, because I don't feel like counting those days out) it comes out to 41 messages a day, on average.

So maybe it's my fault for spamming and sending bursts of short messages or loads and loads of memes, but still that's a lot of messages! I mean I guess to truly average it, if each person sends 20 messages a day, that's really not all that much if you're close and you use texting as your main source of communication.

But honestly, the split is probably averaging more on me sending a bunch because I spam. Or because we have typos and the typos become more messages.

Also for those wondering, the number over one million is the number for how many characters there are in all of those 30,000 messages. So that's kinda crazy. If only there were also a word count, although, I'm sure you can do some sort of average characters in any word, and then divide the math out.

Okay so that's all. I just wanted to share how crazy my messaging gets.

Peace.

So Sleepy

You ever get to the end of the workweek and just feel extremely tired? I don't know why I am so tired. I get a decent amount of sleep on a regular basis, but today I just feel incredibly sleepy. Maybe because it's been overcast all day and has been sort of raining?

It's only 8 pm, which isn't even that late. I also got up at 9 am, so really I haven't even been awake for 12 hours, yet I'm ready to fall asleep and call it a night.

Hopefully I can catch up on whatever rest my body needs tonight and then be able to actually be functioning tomorrow night around 8 pm.

I just feel so drained.

Hong Kong Sanctum

Yesterday in convo, one of my hallmates saw my RA and gestured at him to do some sort of swinging thing with his arms. At first, I couldn't tell what was going on because it was kinda vague from someone who didn't know what the intention was, plus my hallmate had his phone in his hand, so it was throwing me off a slight bit. But then......

Turns out, my RA kinda looks like Dr. Stephen Strange, just the way his facial structure is, how his hair looks, and the facial hair he's got growing (I guess it would be a goatee?)

It was actually pretty funny, and the video is funnier because he does it so un-enthusiastically. I guess that's not a word, but you know what I mean. It was the kind of "okay fine, I'll do it".

I texted my friends about this, and they thought it was funny. One of which proceeded to dub Building 25 (of the Circle) as the Hong Kong Sanctum, in reference to one of the 3 sanctums that the sorcerers in the MCU are supposed to protect.

Jokingly, I ask why Hong Kong Sanctum, and the initial response was clearly a joke (I think), because she said "because you're Asian". In reality, she said it was because New York Sanctum and London Sanctum don't roll of the tongue as easily, or at least as well as Hong Kong Sanctum.

The best part is that my dad was born and raised in Hong Kong for about 8 years because he and his family moved. So I guess Hong Kong actually fits pretty well.

The Fire Has Started, and It Rises

What I'm about to write is a story of immaturity on all side. Just so we're clear.

I'll admit, I realize now that I've ignored my immaturity in the past. So why am I writing this story if it's going to portray me as immature? Because it needs to be said. I didn't start this war, but I'm sure going to finish it. You want me to write the true story of what's happening, then by all means, let's do it. I'll write the true story. I'll show my true colors as well as yours. Get off your high horse and realize that we're at the same low road as each other, just different perspectives of the same road.

But first, a story:

Give this a read through, and then we can begin.

So, remember the post "Oh The Irony"? This is the follow up and the "true story" as some may call it. I clearly misinterpreted the reasoning for my getting blocked, but nonetheless it was and still is immature. Sure, I've blocked people before out of pure immaturity, but that does not justify me getting blocked for "being annoying".

Here's where I'm confused. When I tried mentioning the part where a simple text would've sufficed, the answer was some Facebook comment on a troll comment of mine that wasn't specified for any specific posts that I should not comment on? Furthermore, when I troll, I don't troll every single post that I see. Sure, I do the vast majority of them most nights on LU Crushes, but that's become a small hobby of mine to just make the darnedest comments to try to pull a laugh out of someone.

Even if, on other platforms, to which this person to referring to, it's not every single post of your that gets commented on. And I didn't comment on every single post of your friends. Whether or not you saw me as a friend or an acquaintance, or whatever title you want to put on it, if you're so mature, you should've stopped them, regardless if you think it was true or not.

It's a shame that I don't have a screenshot of it, but it's available to this person still because it was on their story, but there was one time during the summer in which this person allowed you to respond to one of those Instagram story stickers and then the person would write a "TBH" about you. I don't remember the exact wording, but there was a part in which the TBH about me stated "I'm glad to have met you". Confirm it or deny it at your will, it is there, and you wrote it. So how can you be glad to have met me if you just think I'm the "annoying Asian guy"?

Next, the part where you claim I caused a great deal of discomfort and irritation? This is one of those things that needs to be communicated as soon as you begin to feel it, so that all parties involved can make amends and adapt properly to the situation, rather than bottling it up. Again, I will state that I am not innocent of bottling up emotions, but come on, you're acting as if you're more mature than I am, yet you have similar flaws to what makes me immature.

While I'll agree that my original blog post, and this one too now, have been directed to "slamming you", apparently it's the only way you can understand and realize that not everyone understands your thinking process, and doesn't know what annoys you and what doesn't, especially if you do not convey those feelings in any means. Call it immature or whatever you want, but this is the only way I can get through to you.

Next. To attack what I do for fun is a cowardly move, especially when it has nothing to do with the problem at hand. Sure it may be on the dumb or goofy side for me to even be running The Liberty Batman account, but I'm having fun with it, and the people I've got to join me are having fun with it. I don't bash what you do for fun or what you like, so why do you have to go an insult something I like?

Continuing on, you state that you believe I only act on emotions and not logic. Yet you blocked me because of your emotions about feeling annoyed or irritated or uncomfortable. Sure, being uncomfortable around someone is definitely a good reason to create some space, but concerning being simply annoyed or irritated? Are those not emotions?

To insult someone's maturity and to call them a 12 year old. Wow. That's an original. I'm joking about it being original. All I'll say about that one is that if you're going to use those kinds of insults, perhaps you should step back and remember which kinds of people criticize others and call them a younger age than what they are. Like I said before, I was immature in my actions in the past, but how will insulting me change anything?

Finally, thinking that I've been deaf during this semi-civil discourse. You see it as me choosing what I want to hear. And maybe that's true, but you've got to realize that you're by no means on any moral high ground in comparison. We're looking at each other from two sides of the same coin. We're both immature in this disagreement, so neither you nor I are better than the other in this instance. You're trying to tear me down, which is immature, rather than trying to build me up in the direction you'd prefer me to grow in. If you want me to improve myself, destructive criticism is not the way to go about it. Calling me 12 years old is not the way to do it. Stating my hobbies are stupid is definitely not going to accomplish anything. Do you see where I'm going with this?

To wrap everything up, we're both equally immature in this disagreement and the way that both of us are handling this. I'm immature for writing this blog post (which will be the final one I write about this), and you're being immature for just blocking me because I didn't pick up on your vague Facebook comment to then bring it to all of this.

We're both in the wrong here, no one is right in this. Neither you, nor I.

But if you're going to try to set me aflame, you'd best be careful to not play with fire. Those who play with fire get burned. The fire has started, and it will rise.

Like A Coursing River

Time is just moving so fast, and I'm beginning to get overwhelmed because of me wanting to have free time/chill time with mindless YouTube videos or video games (thanks, Skyrim), want to hang out with friends and get to know others I either didn't know as well last year/just be more social and at least know my nearby neighbors, and having to actually do what I came to university to do: study and get my degree.

3 weeks of classes have already gone down, and I think there's something like only 14 weeks of classes. Yup just double checked and indeed there only are 14 weeks of classes in total, not counting Fall Break because otherwise I'd have to count the 2 days of classes before Finals Week, but it evens out anyways.

21.42% of my fall 2019 semester is already over. That's a problem because it feels like it's only beginning as of like yesterday. I guess I sunk into the rhythm pretty quickly. I mean I had to hit the ground running otherwise stumble and struggle.

I can feel the pace is almost inevitably catching up to me, getting too close for comfort and I feel the time slipping away from me. I feel procrastination catching on, and the work is building up. A lot of mindless busywork, but work nonetheless.

I need to do well this semester, and for every remaining semester I have here. Regardless if I have 4 more or even 6 more semesters. Whether or not I finish in 4 years or finish in 5, the point is making sure I finish and that I do well enough to allow myself get to graduate school for a Master's and maybe even doctorate.

If only time could slow down, but it's constantly flowing like a coursing river, and either I swim up to the surface, or I can drown and further dig myself into a deep hole to the point of no return. It should be clear what my choice should be. Will I be strong enough to swim and not just tread?

You Gotta Be Kidding Me

I know it's all my fault really, but I skipped the gym almost entirely these last 2 weeks, and now I'm suffering because strength and endurance has gone down again.

It's my fault and mine alone, but it's so frustrating.

Who's Wearing Hockey Pads?

Hi.

So some of you may know, but for those who might be reading this and don't know, I am the Liberty Batman. Go figure. The guy who loves Batman and has previously made a Liberty themed Instagram account for fun would be the Liberty Batman.

Side note, I finally revealed my own Batsuit, which I will eventually actually make each piece on my own, but for now, I'll settle for just assembling different pieces together. Gotta start somewhere, plus this is only V1.0

Here it is. The pants probably could use some more armored looks, but I'll be wearing boots and shin guards, so it would look a bit better, but I didn't have the boots at the time of taking this picture.

Anyways

I troll commented on LU Crushes like I normally do, but occasionally if the opportunity arises, I comment as "The Liberty Batman". That way I can kinda leverage their platform to bring some exposure for more fun on my account.

If you've gotten to here and are wondering what other account I have made, it's @pandakingatlu on Instagram. It didn't last long, it was more of a 1-off with a resurgence on Halloween of last year, but I never did anything with it after that. Hopefully this new lasts a little longer.

In my commenting, I replied to some other LU account called "LU Dalek". They replied (to which I did not see until today), saying how I'm not the real Batman, and that I'm just some guy in hockey pads (referencing the Dark Knight movie) and also linked to a page titled "Batman of LU". I took a look, and this person had a slightly better costume in some aspects, where it looked like the suit used in Dark Knight/Dark Knight Rises. This same person also had made a video for Coffeehouse, and had a pretty good video.

Honestly, not a bad video. And the suit isn't too bad.

So it put me in a "what do I do now" kind of mindset, at least at this moment. I already put the resources and time into crafting my own Batsuit, and then to realize that there was indeed a Batman on campus once before. But not one anytime recently. 5 years ago, if you were to base it solely on his Facebook posts: https://www.facebook.com/LUBatman/

Because part of me felt a little challenged, I did the math and between what I could find based off of the dates on his posts are that his first post was November 5th, 2013, and the latest post was May 2nd, 2014, making him only last just over 1 semester, or 178 days. @thelibertybatman has been around for 148 days at the time of writing this post.

So now what? I can't give up now. I've put too much into this and I don't want to be discouraged because of some person who claimed the mantle long before I was even here.

I guess I'll just have to keep on running this account of mine, and take it for as long as I am here at Liberty still. When the day comes for me to graduate or finally step away (as I may or may not be back for a Master's degree, assuming I can figure out what I want to do with my life and also get my grades up), then I suppose I'll have to retire as Liberty's Batman, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have to hang up the cowl. I can still be Batman I guess.

Lastly, part of me went into defensive mode, and wants to be like "oh I've been working out and getting stronger and putting effort into this", or "oh I'm a black belt so I have some skill that a true Batman would need". Then the other part of me realizes there's no need to be upset. Batman is not, and most likely never will be "my character" because it belongs to DC. All I'm doing is borrowing the name and the mantle.

I suppose I should just keep on doing as I've been because ultimately, whoever made this video and whoever posted on their Facebook page (for those few months), most likely moved on and left the mantle of Batman up for whoever the next person who is willing to take on.

I guess this also clearly bothers me a bit, hence such a long post.

9

It's September. Like whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Kinda feels like this year went by incredibly quickly. And I know that I could easily say "well 2018 went by so fast that we're approaching the end of 2019 already". Also the fact that as I keep on getting older (as part of living), time because relatively increasingly shorter. So now that I'm 20, 1 year of my life is only 5% of my whole life. Back when I was 10, logically 1 year of my life was 10%. So on and so forth. So technically the longest year of your life is the first year, except unless if you were born with phenomenal memory, you probably don't remember those first years.

Side note: I have random memories or moments that I do remember from 3 years old or earlier. Many of them I don't remember, so I'm not really sure where I fall in the sprectrum of intelligence and memory capabilities. Honestly, probably just about average.

The other shocking factor of it already being September is that I'm about to enter week 3 of college, and I'm surprised of how fast this semester is going. I mean, when I moved in for this semester, I figured "okay 3 months is a good while before I get to go home". And sure I probably shouldn't focus on that and should enjoy my time here and make the most of it, but still, I'm settled in now, and time is slipping through my hands like water in colander. Or water in open hands. Or soup on a fork.

I just hope I make the most of my time here, and be much more productive than previous semesters. At this rate, I'm most likely a 4.5 to 5 year course to finish my undergrad. Then I might be back for 2 years for my Master's. Or I could (and most likely not) speed through the 36 credit hour Master's program in a year. But I'm pretty sure that's not how that works.

I need a Master's in order to do more with a psychology degree, so hopefully by age 25, I'll have my Master's.