What Was The Goal?

I honestly didn't really have much of a goal that I wanted to achieve by starting bring out repressed memories or experiences out on this blog. I don't know how many people actually read things, or if anyone is even reading anything to begin with.

I think that a lot of what I perceive myself to be now can be attributed to regret, aggression, unaddressed anger, guilt, damage, etc.

I don't mean to make it sound like "oh woe is me", but more of just the truth.

I want to eventually just bring this blog out to all my friends and family. But I know that I am not ready yet. There's so much anger in some of these posts. So much that I just need a place to safely vent without anyone really finding me here, unless they manage to stumble upon this blog.

This is my safe space. This is where I can take out my anger in words. Where I can author my frustrations in life and try to calm myself down. This is where no one gets hurt.

As I write more and more, I realize how much I have let the past fuel my rage and aggression. Sometimes I wonder if I had just been more open to my parents on a daily basis when these problems were happening if the outcome could've been different.

Sometimes I wonder if part of my enjoyment of Batman is because of the hurt I've been through. Sure it's nowhere near the same degree of having your parents murdered in cold blood, but I do see similarities.

Bruce's character was hurt, and he wants to protect others. As I grow older, I yearn to be a protector, to save others whenever I can. I'm not sure if that's just for validation again; to be viewed as a "hero" to someone.

Anyways, back to the main point of this particular post.

I just want to write out anything that I've been repressing for literal years, so that maybe I can realize that it's harming more than anything. I need to embrace my past and learn from it. How will I learn if I never face the truth of what happened? How will I ever grow if the first thing that reminds me of any of the hurt that I just turn a blind eye and do everything that I can to ignore it and shove it back into the little box I put it in for all these years.

It's time for me to actively seek healing.

As things or past experiences that I realize have been repressed arise, I will do my best to force myself to author them. To write them out so that it's out there.

Help me to realize that I have people who care and who won't judge me for hiding my past. I need to come clean in order for me to move on.

I can't be a protector if I'm always hurt.

Middle School

I absolutely hated middle school. So why would I blog about it? Well, it came up in conversation, and part of me realizes that it has a stronghold on how I developed over the years. How I became so dark and charged with rage and aggression. Here's my story, copy pasted from a text conversation I had:

So for context, I had  rough middle school years. I was trying to make new friends and trying to fit in. I was seeking a lot of validation from others. Everyday was a battle: who can come up with the better insult, and who can maintain composure and not be phased by any insult directed at them.

Seeking validation, I started insulting someone else who had done nothing to me. It sparked a battle with him and it was ongoing for awhile.

Come the last school day before Christmas break, he said some racial slur to me and I just didn't want to deal with it. I retaliated with a slur to how he's some generic white guy. He then came right up to me and decided to kick me in the knee.

Naturally, because of my short temper and lack of wisdom, I swung the first thing I could think of, which in this instance was my violin, in one of those hard cases.

He ducked and it hit his brother in the side of the head, hard. He turned to me and punched me in the mouth.

It was a very short fight, but apparently enough for them to blame me for starting the fight. It had happened mere moments before my mom had arrived to pick me up. Had traffic not slowed her down, I could've avoided all of it.

Had I been wiser or even just less short tempered, none of it would have happened. Had I not sought validation from others, I would've never gotten here. Had I just kept to myself, I would have been fine. Middle school could've been easier. I could've just been me.

So this is why I'm not social. This is why I choose solitude over group activities. No one can hurt me in my solitude. No one can bother me, insult me, damage me. I'm in control when I am alone. I can't function when I feel like the odds are against me.

I wish I were different. I wish I could've stopped myself. I wish I could've protected myself. I just wish for a different life than the one I have now. I wish that I could've had a normal life. One without all this excessive conflict. I know that life no matter what will have conflict, but this was beyond worth any potential character growth. At that age, a kid shouldn't have to worry that one day he's got friends and the next he doesn't.

He should just be focused on school and having fun with his friends. Not creating enemies, not fighting with others. Not damaging himself to the point where the darkness holds on forever.

End of story

I am damaged. I threw away my shot at a better life for myself. I don't know where my life is leading, and I have no idea how I'll get anywhere in life. I crave for something that feels real. For someone to love me outside of my family. Yet I know that I am not in a state where I can be loved. I'm not sure I will ever reach that state.

Why do I tell you all this, and why so suddenly? I just had to finally get it out there. To show everything about me. To show you that everything isn't sunshine and rainbows for me. To show that I am worse off than I portray myself to be.

I do not know if redemption is along my path.

I also don't really know if I want freedom from this.

Darkness has become me.

Will I let go if given the opportunity?

Am I Vain?

It just dawned on me that no matter how much I claim to not be vain and how much I hate being vain, that I may indeed be vain.

Like think about it. My last post focused on my eczema. Granted it really irritated me today, but the focus was kinda on the physical appearance of my hands and feet as a result of having eczema.

Then I've also been really focused in on my working out. I mean working out is great and all, what with good heart health and maintaining a physical fitness for optimal living conditions, but I also have been focusing on cutting down on my fat and building a leaner physique. That is good to have a goal for my fitness, but that's also kinda focused on appearance as well. I mean if I just wanted pure strength, who cares about what my body fat percentages are, or how much fat it looks like I have. Muscles still function underneath all the visceral fat. So leaning out is kinda vain.

I guess I just hate the way I look. I don't know why. I just have this idea as well that I'm ugly and that no one would date me. All of this isn't helping my self esteem or my confidence. But oh well, what am I to do?

Eczema Can Screw Off

For whatever reason, my eczema just really hit me hard today. Out of nowhere, my hands and fingers felt extremely dry and itchy. I hate this condition I have. I'm very self-conscious about my eczema. I hate it when people bring it up.

I know that for the most part, it's only a physical appearance thing that isn't really a health concern or a life threatening thing. But it just really gets to me when I see all these other people with perfect hands and feet. Or at least near perfect. Either way, better looking and more pleasant to look at than mine.

It just sucks that people see my dry skin patches, or torn up skin (because the itchiness causes me to scratch and a lot of times during my sleep so I can't exactly control it. Even in waking hours I can't help it sometimes, that's how bad the itching gets), and the first thing they do is ask about it. I know it's not their fault for being curious as to what happened to my hands or my feet, but c'mon, please stop bringing it up. I hate having to hide my hands and feet.

I hate taking off my socks when playing with my friends at the beach or the pool or at a sand court for volleyball, you name it. I sometimes even hide my hands from sight as much as possible, and sometimes even have my hands folded into each other so that most of my hands are hidden.

I know that appearances aren't everything and that the people who care about me or the people who could potentially be in a relationship with me wouldn't focus on my physical appearance, but it still gets stuck in my mind that my eczema makes me repulsive enough that no one would ever think of me as an option to date.

I don't know where I get those ideas, but I do get the ideas, and it just gets stuck in my mind. It also doesn't help that for whatever reason, my mind is focused a good bit on finding a relationship. I don't even know why. I guess I could argue that it's because I'm almost 20 and haven't ever dated before, and after watching years of others having successful relationships throughout high school and now college, it makes me wonder why I can't get a relationship. Which then spirals into "what's wrong with me that no one wants to date me?" Of which is also harmed because out of 15 crushes and 7 actual attempts at asking someone out that I got rejected every single time.

A 0% success rate, ugly af hands and feet, and all these thoughts are getting stuck in my mind. It's impossible for me to ever break free of it. My friends keep telling me to not worry about it and that whoever would date me will look past it all, but it's hard for me to see even that.

I Need A Distraction

So I know it's probably natural to think about your crush a lot, but I should probably be focusing on other aspects of my life just because worrying about what may or may not happen between my crush and I while we are on summer break and won't be seeing each other for 3 months is probably not the best thing.

Of course I'll be maintaining contact with her every now and then via text, but I should probably find a way to think of something else and try to not let my feelings for her cause me to overthink and try to open a door that the Lord may or may not want me to open and go through.

I want to be able to trust the Lord with everything, and that if He wants me to be in a relationship with this girl that He will provide ways for this friendship to grow more and to open the door for me when the time is right. I need to remember that His timing is not my timing and if I try to rush His timing, I might ruin the plan or the course He wanted to me to run.

Not to say that I have to power to change the Lord's plans, I mean I'm just a human. No human has power over the Lord God Almighty. But I feel like I might stray away from His plan. The same plan I keep praying to follow and to trust, even if I cannot see the next step.

I guess I just need more prayer.

The Lord Moves In Mysterious Ways

Ya know, it's kinda funny how the Lord works. I won't question Him, but it is entertaining sometimes.

2 days ago, I wrote a post saying how I was missing my friends and everything. What I didn't write was that I wanted to just text my crush because why not and it's good to stay connected a bit over the summer. Also, who wouldn't want to talk their crush haha?

So I just keep on praying for the Lord to work things out as He originally planned, no matter what that means (even if it means that I don't date my crush and she just is a good friend). Then today, she posted something that spoke to her, and then I just felt like texting her and asking her what inspired her to post it.

Without sharing too many details, it was a pretty great mini conversation we had, learning her insights on the post and everything.

Perhaps the Lord is strengthening this friendship with Him at the center of it. It gives me hope that things can work out between us and that maybe I'll date her (ideally marry her eventually). But of course, whatever the Lord wants is what I will follow and obey.

Dreams Pt. 3 (Pt. 2.5???)

I know it's almost bedtime (for me at least) so dreaming will be happening again relatively soon. So a late time to be posting about this, but here goes.

Basically for those who are unaware, I'm still unsure where I'm going to be dorming for next semester. I have already come to terms that it may not be on the hall I would have preferred, but oh well. God will place me where He wants me to be, where I can grow, be poured into, or pour into others. I'm trusting God that He will place me where He knows is best.

Anyways, this dream wasn't a physical appearance of my crush. At least not one where I saw her. It was more of somehow I supposedly commented on like Facebook or something that I might not be staying in the dorm I would've liked to stay on, and then she replied saying "that's too bad, but maybe you can check now for availability". Idk why should would comment back, at least on something relatively meaningless as that.

Maybe because subconsciously I will miss being a part of the same hall events that she would be a part of. Who knows. Either way she was kinda in my dreams again. I'm not sure if I'd really count this as a "part 3" so to speak. I guess just keep on praying and see what happens.

Power of Posture

So I've been working on my posture because A) good posture is good for me anyways, and B) apparently good posture conveys confidence. And being more confident is always a plus, regardless of what I need to be more confident about. It also makes me physically look better because it accentuates my muscles a little more and that helps boost my confidence as well as feel good about my progress.

You should try it. Whenever possible, just remember back straight, shoulders back. Don't raise your shoulders though. It should kind of feel like someone is pulling your shoulders back a little, or that you're opening up your chest a bit.

It's so far made me feel powerful and in charge. Almost like I could take on the world. Obviously not legitimately, but you know what I mean. Almost makes me feel like a superhero, so that's always a good feeling.

To think that all of this change is a result of just one small change to how I carry myself on a daily basis. So if one small change can make a difference, imagine what several small changes to your life can do (like a small diet change or a small exercise change). Everything adds up, so start with something as simple as your posture.

I Miss My Friends

Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely loved being home for 2 weeks now. I love the comfort of home and the luxury of having my own room and whatnot.

But I miss my friends. I wanna hang out with peeps, but all of them are spread out across the east coast, and none of them are close enough for me to visit for the day or something.

I guess it didn't help that I isolated myself for the last few weeks/month of the semester, so that's on me.

Friendos, I miss you, I wanna be with you guys again.

Have I Discovered It?

I won't be writing too much because if this is truly what I think it is, I need to keep it obscure. But I might've found my calling for my life, and even to me it sounds outlandish. But if God wills it, then so it shall be done.

All that's left for me to do now is to pray and stay faithful, as well as read the Word.

https://youtu.be/qGv-nu8SY80

The Duality of Fitness

So I went to the gym today. First time in 3 days. Which I guess I can argue is already more than what some people are doing.

Here's the thing. I kinda hate going to the gym just because the idea of "well I gotta strain myself (technically) and just cycle through various strength training exercises, to be followed by at least 30 minutes on the treadmill (which I should be running instead of walking, but that's a story for another time)".

I mean if I can actually get myself to physically be at the gym it's one of those things where I say to myself, "well Geoff, you drove here, so you might as well make the most of it since it'd be a waste of gas to drive here and then just immediately go home".

I also usually enjoy my time at the gym anyways. Lifting weights is an incredible stress reliever because you can work out any anxiety or stresses you have, and it also makes you feel good that you have strength. Even if you're a beginner who can only curl 5 pounds. Once you start going consistently and you notice yourself lifting 10, then 15, then 20 pounds, even just the realization of progress is a good mood booster.

I also like the feeling of strength. One of the few things I can control in my life. I can control what I eat, and how my physique is. Then I also like the way my muscles work. My favorite muscles are my chest, and now my shoulder muscles. Mostly because those are the muscle groups I can easily see in a mirror. I've also started loving my triceps because there's a pretty good definition in them now.

So there is definitely a love/hate relationship with the gym. It makes me feel good afterwards, feel strong, feel powerful so that I can emulate my favorite superhero. It's just that the road between my current self and my superhero-esque body is full of rough training days and a lot of time doing cardio.

Hey DC, wanna actually put out good movies?

For those of you who know me, I'm a big Batman fan (or crazed fanatic haha).

I really want another set of good Batman films. I like the old ones, but naturally Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy (the legendary trilogy, even by many other movie goers), is my favorite

So why can't DC get a good set of movies out? The new director of "The Batman" is Matt Reeves (no idea who he is lol), is apparently working on casting Robert Pattinson, the guy who played a vampire in the Twilight series (idk who he is in those since I never watched them), and he also played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Not that I have anything against Robert, but I just can't see what the director sees or what the company sees as the Batman in him. He just doesn't have the right facial structure (in my opinion), and he seems a bit scrawny/not the right body type to play the Batman. Batman's supposed to be imposing, menacing, powerful, you name it. Granted maybe because there aren't any pictures of Robert in any Batman gear, and maybe he hasn't gotten the chance to bulk up his physique either, but still.

I guess I'll be wary, but I'm not going to hold out any high hopes for this.

Personally, I could make a better Batman hahaha. I only kid lol. Plus the fact that I'm not white, so I can't exactly take up the name "Bruce Wayne".

Losing Motivation

For the past nearly 2 months now, I've been pretty good at maintaining a 4-5 days per week exercise routine, consisting of pretty rigorous strength training to be followed by a 20 minute or more cardio session on either the treadmill or elliptical. I've definitely noticed improvements in my physique, especially while I was on campus and walking so much where I was averaging 14-15 thousand steps per day at the minimum (some days more than others).

But now that I'm home and not walking at least a half mile one way just to get food, I guess the decrease in just overall movement has slowed my metabolism a bit and I've just constantly been putting on weight. Not all that much, just a total of 4.7 pounds, but I've only been home for 2 weeks. So I guess it is a lot.

I also haven't weighed myself in awhile compared to when I saw I was 185 while at school, so maybe the 4.7 pound weight gain isn't just from the last 2 weeks.

Anyways, it's just tough because I want to lose around 15-20 pounds of fat, and then maybe put that weight back on as muscle. I don't have any great ways of checking fat content, but I still can't imagine I'm putting on a couple pounds of muscle so quickly.

It's discouraging to the point where I'm partially thinking about giving up on working out. I mean I'll still try to be active, but the rigorous strength training and the mindless minutes on the treadmill just doesn't have a sense of, I don't know, appeal to it?

I've even almost completely stopped doing push ups every morning because 3 sets of 40 before I start my day is tiring, tedious, and actually pretty annoying.

I'm not sure how much I'm going to truly cut back, but I guess I should try to fight through this part and keep my strength up.

It's Hard....

As a Christian, I'm told to trust in God and to believe that there is a plan for me, no matter what happens to me on earth.

But seeing as for whatever reason I can't get my act together and perform better academically, what even is my plan? 2 years of college and only 30 credits to show for it? Why do I keep failing my courses? It's because of my pure lack of effort and my laziness.

For some stupid reason, I just would rather waste away my days playing video games rather than do the work I was told to do, and the work I chose to do. I chose it because while my parents told me to go to college, as a 19 year old, I'm technically able to make my own decisions. Had I not truly wanted to put an effort in, I should've just gone somewhere and picked up a job and start supporting myself.

Why am I so damn lazy?

I failed yet again, and I keep telling myself "okay next semester you'll do better", but that never changes apparently. I start off well, and then I get too confident in the free time I end up getting from the easiest first couple of weeks, and then I become incredibly apathetic about my schoolwork, especially as the workload ramps up.

I feel like a failure.

Am I one?

How can any of this end up being turned into the glorification of His kingdom?

How can someone who can't get his act together and at least attempt to get some sort of degree have a greater plan?

I know I should trust God, but I also know that whatever plan might or might not be out there requires some effort from me. And seeing that I'm just a lazy, good for nothing guy, why does God let me stay on earth each and every day? I know each day is a blessing as no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, but this feels more like Hell than any blessing I could think of.

Not to say that I know what Hell is like, but the idea that there's supposed to be something greater in my life is becoming a tantalizing promise that when I think things are going well and that everything is falling into place, that it truly is going in the wrong direction, but I've gone too far and done too little too late to actually get the progress I was supposed to get, and now I have to wait until.... I don't know? Are there even second chances for this? For this degree of failure? Why do I even keep on enrolling in classes? Why do I lie to myself and to my parents that college is going well and that I'm going to get my degree and then get a job? Why do I lie to everyone saying "oh yeah, college is going well"?

Why am I like this?

Why can't I actually commit to the idea that I will make the semester better than the previous?

What even is the plan for me?

When will it all end?

Good Feels

Remember how like 2 weeks ago, I was all worried about how it would be perceived when I gave my crush the $20 for her to buy study Bibles for her family?

Well, I just got a text today (albeit most likely a general text probably sent to everyone else who donated) from her giving thanks for the donations, as well as an update.

So it was a well received gesture. And I guess she remembered each person who donated.

It also feels good to know her goal was to raise $120 total for the 3 study Bibles, and that my donation helped reach her goal.

I guess I had nothing to worry about after all. Besides, it was ultimately for the glorification of the Lord's kingdom, so how could that ever be interpreted as a negative thing?

I also would like to believe that it was the Lord who moved my hand and not me trying to do it out selfish gain. What could I have gained anyways?

Edit: It seems like that maybe the text wasn't copy pasted, but I can't exactly tell lol.

Dreams Pt. 2

Again, I'm no expert on dreams nor am I an expert at reading or interpreting dreams like how some people were able to in the Bible (granted that those dreams were definitely messages from God, it's probably a little different here).

Anyhow, guess who showed up in my dream again? I mean it was weird. I was training Aikido, in a group setting to practice what happens when you get outnumbered. A few of our mutual friends were there, but the fact that she was there?

Not sure if this is because I shifted my prayer time with God to shower time because I don't casually walk all over the place going for food or the gym. I guess at least I'm doing it still. But shower is usually right before bed, so maybe that's got some sort of impact on what my mind will create for dreams? I somehow am unsure/skeptical to think that these past 2 nights have been messages from God in response to my prayer. If anything just the first dream. This one is just more that she was there. The first one at least was her saying she cared about me lol.

Then again these are dreams, and maybe I shouldn't be too worried nor think too much on it. We'll see where it goes from here after more prayer over the next few months.

Dreams

I know that there's not exactly any sort of science behind dreams. Some are just absolute random dreams that you have no idea how your mind can come up with. Some you forget instantly so you don't even know you had them.

But then there are those that memorable. Ones that feel real. Of course because it was a dream, there are things that would make it obvious that it is a dream.

I guess one could argue that sometimes God speaks to us in dreams, but I'm not sure if this is the case or if I am overthinking/misinterpreting this dream I'm about to mention.

So for whatever reason, I'm probably somewhere like school just because of the people that were there. Somehow I was given an object that was supposed to be the real thing, but it wasn't because of some reason along the lines that I didn't have the knowledge nor the experience to have (somehow this object related to relationships and stuff like that. Also this object was very fictional, so it's why I'm partially skeptical about interpreting this dream, but at the same time from a certain view, it brings me hope).

At some point, I realize that I was deceived and felt saddened that I couldn't be trusted to have the actual object. It was that feeling that no one cared for or trusted me. The sad boi feels.

My crush was there, and she realized I was feeling down and felt like no one cared for me. She expressed to me that she does care for me, and she comforted me through it.

So you can see how it would give me hope if interpreted as a dream sent from God.

But at the same time, because of how many fictional aspects there were in the dream, what's to say that that wasn't fictional as well?

I write all of this because I've been praying pretty consistently, trying to see if God wants me to pursue this girl. To see if she's the one God wants me to be with, so that I may protect her as a man should be doing. I've also been praying that God would take away my feelings for her if she isn't the one, and that I just care for her as a friend and as a brother in Christ to her.

But this isn't the first dream I've had in which she's appeared ever since I picked this crush back up and been praying about it. Albeit that 2 dreams isn't a definite green light, especially when the 2nd dream had quite a few fictional aspects to it.

I guess my only real answer is to go and keep praying each day over the summer and try to grow in my maturity and my faith. I know that everything is in God's timing, but would He wait to take feelings away?

If you're reading this and are one of my close friends, shoot me a text and help me try to understand it all.