What Was The Goal?

I honestly didn't really have much of a goal that I wanted to achieve by starting bring out repressed memories or experiences out on this blog. I don't know how many people actually read things, or if anyone is even reading anything to begin with.

I think that a lot of what I perceive myself to be now can be attributed to regret, aggression, unaddressed anger, guilt, damage, etc.

I don't mean to make it sound like "oh woe is me", but more of just the truth.

I want to eventually just bring this blog out to all my friends and family. But I know that I am not ready yet. There's so much anger in some of these posts. So much that I just need a place to safely vent without anyone really finding me here, unless they manage to stumble upon this blog.

This is my safe space. This is where I can take out my anger in words. Where I can author my frustrations in life and try to calm myself down. This is where no one gets hurt.

As I write more and more, I realize how much I have let the past fuel my rage and aggression. Sometimes I wonder if I had just been more open to my parents on a daily basis when these problems were happening if the outcome could've been different.

Sometimes I wonder if part of my enjoyment of Batman is because of the hurt I've been through. Sure it's nowhere near the same degree of having your parents murdered in cold blood, but I do see similarities.

Bruce's character was hurt, and he wants to protect others. As I grow older, I yearn to be a protector, to save others whenever I can. I'm not sure if that's just for validation again; to be viewed as a "hero" to someone.

Anyways, back to the main point of this particular post.

I just want to write out anything that I've been repressing for literal years, so that maybe I can realize that it's harming more than anything. I need to embrace my past and learn from it. How will I learn if I never face the truth of what happened? How will I ever grow if the first thing that reminds me of any of the hurt that I just turn a blind eye and do everything that I can to ignore it and shove it back into the little box I put it in for all these years.

It's time for me to actively seek healing.

As things or past experiences that I realize have been repressed arise, I will do my best to force myself to author them. To write them out so that it's out there.

Help me to realize that I have people who care and who won't judge me for hiding my past. I need to come clean in order for me to move on.

I can't be a protector if I'm always hurt.