Eczema Can Screw Off

For whatever reason, my eczema just really hit me hard today. Out of nowhere, my hands and fingers felt extremely dry and itchy. I hate this condition I have. I'm very self-conscious about my eczema. I hate it when people bring it up.

I know that for the most part, it's only a physical appearance thing that isn't really a health concern or a life threatening thing. But it just really gets to me when I see all these other people with perfect hands and feet. Or at least near perfect. Either way, better looking and more pleasant to look at than mine.

It just sucks that people see my dry skin patches, or torn up skin (because the itchiness causes me to scratch and a lot of times during my sleep so I can't exactly control it. Even in waking hours I can't help it sometimes, that's how bad the itching gets), and the first thing they do is ask about it. I know it's not their fault for being curious as to what happened to my hands or my feet, but c'mon, please stop bringing it up. I hate having to hide my hands and feet.

I hate taking off my socks when playing with my friends at the beach or the pool or at a sand court for volleyball, you name it. I sometimes even hide my hands from sight as much as possible, and sometimes even have my hands folded into each other so that most of my hands are hidden.

I know that appearances aren't everything and that the people who care about me or the people who could potentially be in a relationship with me wouldn't focus on my physical appearance, but it still gets stuck in my mind that my eczema makes me repulsive enough that no one would ever think of me as an option to date.

I don't know where I get those ideas, but I do get the ideas, and it just gets stuck in my mind. It also doesn't help that for whatever reason, my mind is focused a good bit on finding a relationship. I don't even know why. I guess I could argue that it's because I'm almost 20 and haven't ever dated before, and after watching years of others having successful relationships throughout high school and now college, it makes me wonder why I can't get a relationship. Which then spirals into "what's wrong with me that no one wants to date me?" Of which is also harmed because out of 15 crushes and 7 actual attempts at asking someone out that I got rejected every single time.

A 0% success rate, ugly af hands and feet, and all these thoughts are getting stuck in my mind. It's impossible for me to ever break free of it. My friends keep telling me to not worry about it and that whoever would date me will look past it all, but it's hard for me to see even that.