It's Hard....

As a Christian, I'm told to trust in God and to believe that there is a plan for me, no matter what happens to me on earth.

But seeing as for whatever reason I can't get my act together and perform better academically, what even is my plan? 2 years of college and only 30 credits to show for it? Why do I keep failing my courses? It's because of my pure lack of effort and my laziness.

For some stupid reason, I just would rather waste away my days playing video games rather than do the work I was told to do, and the work I chose to do. I chose it because while my parents told me to go to college, as a 19 year old, I'm technically able to make my own decisions. Had I not truly wanted to put an effort in, I should've just gone somewhere and picked up a job and start supporting myself.

Why am I so damn lazy?

I failed yet again, and I keep telling myself "okay next semester you'll do better", but that never changes apparently. I start off well, and then I get too confident in the free time I end up getting from the easiest first couple of weeks, and then I become incredibly apathetic about my schoolwork, especially as the workload ramps up.

I feel like a failure.

Am I one?

How can any of this end up being turned into the glorification of His kingdom?

How can someone who can't get his act together and at least attempt to get some sort of degree have a greater plan?

I know I should trust God, but I also know that whatever plan might or might not be out there requires some effort from me. And seeing that I'm just a lazy, good for nothing guy, why does God let me stay on earth each and every day? I know each day is a blessing as no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, but this feels more like Hell than any blessing I could think of.

Not to say that I know what Hell is like, but the idea that there's supposed to be something greater in my life is becoming a tantalizing promise that when I think things are going well and that everything is falling into place, that it truly is going in the wrong direction, but I've gone too far and done too little too late to actually get the progress I was supposed to get, and now I have to wait until.... I don't know? Are there even second chances for this? For this degree of failure? Why do I even keep on enrolling in classes? Why do I lie to myself and to my parents that college is going well and that I'm going to get my degree and then get a job? Why do I lie to everyone saying "oh yeah, college is going well"?

Why am I like this?

Why can't I actually commit to the idea that I will make the semester better than the previous?

What even is the plan for me?

When will it all end?