Middle School

I absolutely hated middle school. So why would I blog about it? Well, it came up in conversation, and part of me realizes that it has a stronghold on how I developed over the years. How I became so dark and charged with rage and aggression. Here's my story, copy pasted from a text conversation I had:

So for context, I had  rough middle school years. I was trying to make new friends and trying to fit in. I was seeking a lot of validation from others. Everyday was a battle: who can come up with the better insult, and who can maintain composure and not be phased by any insult directed at them.

Seeking validation, I started insulting someone else who had done nothing to me. It sparked a battle with him and it was ongoing for awhile.

Come the last school day before Christmas break, he said some racial slur to me and I just didn't want to deal with it. I retaliated with a slur to how he's some generic white guy. He then came right up to me and decided to kick me in the knee.

Naturally, because of my short temper and lack of wisdom, I swung the first thing I could think of, which in this instance was my violin, in one of those hard cases.

He ducked and it hit his brother in the side of the head, hard. He turned to me and punched me in the mouth.

It was a very short fight, but apparently enough for them to blame me for starting the fight. It had happened mere moments before my mom had arrived to pick me up. Had traffic not slowed her down, I could've avoided all of it.

Had I been wiser or even just less short tempered, none of it would have happened. Had I not sought validation from others, I would've never gotten here. Had I just kept to myself, I would have been fine. Middle school could've been easier. I could've just been me.

So this is why I'm not social. This is why I choose solitude over group activities. No one can hurt me in my solitude. No one can bother me, insult me, damage me. I'm in control when I am alone. I can't function when I feel like the odds are against me.

I wish I were different. I wish I could've stopped myself. I wish I could've protected myself. I just wish for a different life than the one I have now. I wish that I could've had a normal life. One without all this excessive conflict. I know that life no matter what will have conflict, but this was beyond worth any potential character growth. At that age, a kid shouldn't have to worry that one day he's got friends and the next he doesn't.

He should just be focused on school and having fun with his friends. Not creating enemies, not fighting with others. Not damaging himself to the point where the darkness holds on forever.

End of story

I am damaged. I threw away my shot at a better life for myself. I don't know where my life is leading, and I have no idea how I'll get anywhere in life. I crave for something that feels real. For someone to love me outside of my family. Yet I know that I am not in a state where I can be loved. I'm not sure I will ever reach that state.

Why do I tell you all this, and why so suddenly? I just had to finally get it out there. To show everything about me. To show you that everything isn't sunshine and rainbows for me. To show that I am worse off than I portray myself to be.

I do not know if redemption is along my path.

I also don't really know if I want freedom from this.

Darkness has become me.

Will I let go if given the opportunity?