Rock Bottom

So I've hit a rock bottom of sorts. I've been going through a small spell of depression. I've not been doing anywhere near as well as I should have been academically. And with less than 5 weeks until classes are over, you can probably guess how that got to me.

It caused my aggression to be heightened, and I lashed out at friends. I'm going to need time by myself to reconcile with those friends, but anyways.

Tonight we had a bonfire with the sister dorm, and it was good. It was nice to see that people came to talk to me, I guess it was obvious I wasn't myself. Then during worship, I broke down and cried.

I never cry during worship, so clearly the spirit of the Lord moved within me to let me know that all is going to be well regardless of my grades, regardless of my sins, and regardless of what I do. It felt good and I feel called to begin forgiving and apologizing to those who I have not given a chance or the human decency or even the Christian love that I was supposed to be giving them.

Tonight was great, and it made me hit rock bottom. It's good because at the men's retreat I went to a week ago, a key point was that a man needs to hit rock bottom before he can actually develop into what he needs to become.

Okay God, I'm ready to transform.

Blame It On Me

For those of you who know anything about me, I love achievements, digital badges, trophies, awards, etc. Basically anything that I can see as my own way of displaying my progress, where I've come from, and what I've been able to do. Not the worst thing to be "addicted" to so to speak.

And then if you know me even better, you'll know that hands down my favorite superhero is Batman. I mean have any of you see all the clothing, posters, collectibles, etc. that I have relating to Batman?

So if you are helping me along my fitness journey and by your terms say that I get to be Batman at whatever weight value you assign to an exercise, you'd better believe that I'm going to be really happy with every step forward I take. And then I'm likely to share my progress or my achievements with whoever started the idea up.

To get things straight, I was once told I can "be Batman" if I can 1 rep max 250 lbs on bench. So of course if I do X number of exercises or X many sets or X many reps, and I feel good about what I've done, wouldn't it make sense for me to want to share my progress with the person who started the idea of me becoming Batman (in my own way)?

Then if a group of friends is supporting me in my journey, wouldn't it make sense to share with them all my progress?

So tell me why, all of the sudden when you realize "oh he's so focused on his physical achievements, he never once talks about God" that my sharing of what I did in the gym today a problem and come off as me "bragging"?

I get it. I'm supposed to make my main focus in life God, and then from there everything else is supposed to fall into place. I want to believe that. But I also want to focus on some of the other things that are important to me, like getting into shape for my black belt test in 4 months, give or take.

So to out of nowhere say that I'm too focused on it? Why did you all the sudden antagonize me in the situation you created by setting a goal for me? Why is it that I'm the one who's "too obsessed" over talking about Batman, or becoming like Batman? I mean I get it, I probably talk a bit much about it.

But then if you're going to claim all the sudden "oh we have lives too, so it's a little annoying to have to read you talking about Batman all the time". You should've said something whenever it began to bother you and not bring it up when clearly there are emotionally charged messages being sent because I've just out of nowhere been told to stop.

Sure, I shouldn't have let it get to me and let my emotions get the better of me, but I'm not the only cause for all of this blowing up. It's the other's fault too in that all the sudden they don't want to hear about my progress or whatever. If you wanted me to talk about it less, all you had to say was "hey Geoff, would you mind talking about it a little less". Sure I'd be a little disheartened that there aren't as many people for me to just openly share my progress with, but I'd respect your wish, and I'd talk about it less. But if you're going to randomly say "oh yeah you need to stop", believe me that I'm not going to take well to that at all.

I just don't get how it's my fault that I'm too obsessed over something. If you play on what I enjoy or what I love and set goals for me, you better believe you're going to hear about it.

All it would've taken was a request for me to talk less about it. Then we wouldn't have problems. But nope, just gotta be rude and abrupt about it. And then get mad at me for lashing out when I was lashed out at first.

I know I shouldn't return the lashing out, and my temper's been something I've needed a lot of work on, and clearly still need a lot of work on. But just as you will defend yourself or someone else in a word battle, I'm going to defend myself if I feel like I'm under attack. Doesn't matter how many times you claim "no one is attacking you". If it is perceived that way, especially when 2-3 people are going off directing messages at me, are you seriously going to think I'm not feeling like I'm being attacked?

All in all, it was time to cut some people out of my life. It was time for me to stop associating with these people. If they chose to be supportive then out of the blue want me to shut up about what they once supported me for, then goodbye.

But sure let's blame it all on me 100% because they were innocent in all of this.

Who Would've Thought

Apparently this blog hasn't been as unknown as I once thought. That's fine by me. I don't really have anything to hide. I mean sure some of my earliest posts are crude or maybe they were immature (more like definitely immature), but I just want to know how people found this.

It's not like I broadcasted to the world like "hey all I've got a blog, come follow it (or whatever the term is because I've no clue since I'm new to this whole blogging thing)."

I guess I did write one tweet that had a link to this blog, and then I did slot it into my Twitter's "website" slot on my profile. But then the question has to be asked, who and how did people find my Twitter?

Then again, that's another platform I don't hide either, because I will own up to any stupid stuff I say, that and I don't really care that much who sees what I write. The only "dilemma" is how I'm being discovered. Sure you could argue that literally every platform that asks for a username, I'm always "DragonPupps", so naturally if you decided to try to find me, you can search that up. Or you can probably run a Google search.

Whatever the case may be, hello to all the people I did not expect to read any of my blog. The only ones I expected were the close friend group I have in which we shared links to each other's blogs. Anyone else who has seen stuff, you're the unaccounted and unexpected visitor. Not a bad thing though. A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.

P.S. That last sentence is a reference. If you're confused, just look at the URL of the blog. If you're internet cultured, you'll get the reference immediately without looking at the URL :D

The Tides of War Have Shifted

For those of you who know my friends and I built up this Gotham hierarchy based off of skill and (mostly) physique and strength, I got news that is and isn't in my favor.

Bad news first:
My best friend, Dan, was turned into the Joker. Great for those opposing me (Tristan, a.k.a. Bane because he's strong as nuts). Not so great for those traveling the hero's path.

Good news: While it sucks that Dan was converted to the dark side to become the high-functioning psychopath, it takes some pressure off of me. This means I virtually have no competition running against me to become the Batman. I mean technically, Justin can make a run for the Bat, but given that I've got a head start on the strength training, I'll most likely become the Batman. He can be my Robin, just hopefully not the Jason Todd Robin.

I've got my solid workout plan set out. All that is left is to push through it and earn my way to the Dark Knight. Gotham deserves a hero.


P.S. Apparently Kerri is the Scarecrow, so I gotta figure out how I'm going to train agility lol

New PR and Killer Chest Day

Tristan and I worked out today.

It was a solid workout. It was a "pure" chest day. Quotations because technically other muscles are used in the exercises, but our focus was the chest.

I recently nailed a new PR for a set of 8 reps on bench, going to 105, up from 95 previously. Today was similar. My 1rm (1 rep max for my readers who are less fitness knowledgeable) for bench was 145, up from 135 about 2-3 weeks ago.

I mean I guess my right arm kinda failed after I pushed the top of the rep, so PSA to those testing 1rm's: always go with a spotter. That could've been really dangerous if I were to test it on my own and then the bar collapses on me.

The rest of the workout was really solid. I feel a little fatigued a couple hours since working out, but not really enough to bother me. Just enough to remind me like "hey you worked out today, so there's a minute amount of fatigue that I'm leaving here". We'll see what happens tomorrow morning.

Anyways, I just feel really good and I'm one step closer to becoming the Batman.

The Long Journey Ahead

Sometimes I wish I could be vengeance.
Sometimes I wish I could be the night.
Sometimes I wish I could be Batman.

The journey ahead of me, as far as physical training goes, is long and rough. I am ready to push into it. I've got a lot of things I need to accomplish before I will perceive myself as anything close to the Dark Knight. I've gotta cut my body fat down by half (end goal is 8-10%), and I've gotta put on easily 10-20 pounds of muscle.

Is it doable? Yes.
Will I do it? Perhaps.

I know what I want, and I know how to get it. My only problem is keeping myself motivated. There are large goals at hand, so I'm going to try to create micro-goals that I can accomplish and then view the macro-goal after that.

And so begins my journey to become the Knightmare.

It Wants What It Wants

There's no way in heck that I am done or close to being done working on my singleness. I've just started, and I know I need to love the Lord way more than I do now. I can easily love myself, but there's got to be more to it. There must be something I am missing.

Yet at the same time, I yearn for someone to love. I don't know why. It's not that I don't feel complete without an S.O., but I would like to have someone I can talk to other than my siblings or my parents or my close friends.

I stopped and wondered if I truly got rid of a crush I had on one girl, not too long ago, maybe 2 months ago by now? I don't know why I was thinking about it. Gah, why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I just stick to working on myself and bettering myself as a single guy? Why must I feel like I want someone in my life? Someone to love. I know I can love my family and my friends, but I guess I long for that romantic love. And you just can't romantically love your family (incest is not okay) and you can't just all the sudden have romantic feelings for your friends (depends on the case since some relationships come out of friendships) but for the most part that could be and probably is weird.

My brain just can't decide where it wants to be as far as relationships go. It just wants what it wants.

Idek

So according to a scale at home, I've been gaining weight relatively slowly but consistently while being home. I can't figure out why. My caloric input to output ratio is lesser than when I'm at school, but the output should still be higher than the input. I've trained 4 days in a row of Aikido, and granted that that isn't the most intense of exercising, it still is exercising. I hit the gym once and I plan to again tomorrow before I have to catch a flight. I've been doing my push ups every morning, so I have no idea where the weight gain is coming from? Maybe I need to ramp up caloric output when I am home? Maybe hit the gym more, just as I do while at school? I would go more if I had my car at home, but since I don't I feel unmotivated to borrow my mom's car? Idk why I'm feeling lazy-ish, and how it's somehow causing a relatively rapid weight gain.

It's.... Strange

Idek why, but ever since I got more okay with needles (for vaccines or blood tests, not drugs lol. Besides you think me of all people has money for drugs? I don't even have money to buy myself new "toys" or things for myself lol), I strangely laugh almost constantly while getting my blood drawn. Why? No idea. I might be a little psychotic, or a psychopath. Is there anything to worry about? I'd reckon not, but if you ever find my maniacally laughing, then maybe we have a problem. But for now, I'm just that weirdo.

Vision Restored

Okay it was just temporary. Phew that was close. It was mildly concerning.

Merely Adopted The Darkness

Gahhhhh I managed to blind myself in one spot temporarily. Or at least I hope it's temporary (I mean it should be since I didn't smack the back of my head extremely hard or do anything that could cause brain damage). I can't remember how, but I think I clicked something on snapchat and after sitting in a dark-ish room just watching tv after dinner, my eyes were used to the darkness, especially since I switched my Facebook messenger to dark mode, and have the blue light filter turned on so (I think) it allows my eyes to not be strained by the brighter light. Snapchat lit my screen up like a Christmas tree and now towards the center of my vision, no matter where I look, I have this darker spot that kinda blocks out what I'm seeing. Sorta just like how if you were to stare at the sun or any bright light source and you get that after image.

But it certainly is annoying having to look all around the screen to see what I'm typing. I guess good that I adopted the darkness, if I do plan to be like the Batman.......

Brain Weird

Despite me getting a decent amount of sleep last night (around 7 hours) and sleeping 3 times on the train, each time approximately an hour long nap, I'm STILL tired. I guess that that's not the same as 10 hours straight, but like why is it making me tired? Then again it's also 12:30, and I should be asleep, especially with daylight savings going to rob me of an hour of sleep. Yikes.

Good Source of Dopamine

I discovered a new way I can calm myself and make myself feel good. Give my brain that "hit" of dopamine, in a way that is not destructive nor sinful in any way. I know there must be people out there who try to find ways to get satisfied and get that "feel good" chemical (dopamine). There are plenty of ways to do that. Eat something you love, be with someone you love, do something you love, etc.

There are of course more destructive ways that I do not recommend in the slightest. But since I should try to keep a neutral standing I'll kinda list a couple but I do not have any experience with these, so I might be wrong. I mean you have drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. Some are more sinful than others, but it also depends on context.

ANYWAYS, back to the way I realized is a good way to make me feel good about myself with no regrets and without conducting sinful behaviors or actions.

This might sound dumb, but certain music can make me nostalgic. And typically (according to a very brief Google search) nostalgia elicits the release of dopamine. So you'll feel good. Now at the same time it's a mild double-edged sword, in that, at least for me, I long for the days and the times in which these memories were formed.

But music like the classic Pirates of the Caribbean "He's a Pirate", can get me to reminisce of my senior year of high school, when I played and marched for the last time ever, since I most likely won't be joining the marching band here at LU.

Or just now I came across someone playing various songs that are just background music for Minecraft. It sounds dumb but it reminded me of the good ol' days. 8th grade through high school were my biggest Minecraft-ing days, and those felt amazing. School was going well (ish) and I was having fun on weekends playing Minecraft, making Minecraft Let's Play videos for my (now deleted) YouTube channel, to just overall enjoying creating new worlds and crafting them the way I wanted them.

It makes me yearn to go back in time and relive my past. I know that the only thing I can do now is look forward to whatever the Lord has in store for me. But I would just love to give up something now to even just relive some of these memories in my past. I loved my senior year of high school. I'd relive the entirety of that year. Even just going to classes and suffering through calculus. You heard me. I'd suffer through high school level calculus again just to relive the memories I made.

You couldn't give me anything in this world that would make me trade my memories away. As much as material things are great, and I'd love a whole bunch of things, I'd rather have my memories and the people I made them with rather than have something that's cool to have.

My Chains Are Gone, I've Been Set FREE

Hey, hi, howdy, ahoy!

Haven't blogged in a hot minute. Oops.

Anyways, this is a feelsgoodman blog.

Bombshell! I prayed and my brothers in Christ, Tristan and Justin, witnessed it. I prayed for my salvation. And being saved gives you this joy, this peace, this happiness that you cannot experience ANYWHERE else.

Okay time for some backstory.

So for those of you who've known me for a longer portion of my life, you'd know that I did indeed get baptized in I believe 9th grade. At that time I would've thought that I was serious about it and was going to be intentional with my faith. But now that I look back on it, it seemed more of just something that my parents had encouraged and me being myself, I figured, "well if mom and dad want me to do it, I can do it".

I wasn't exactly intentional with my faith back then. I mean to be fair, I'm not really that intentional right now with my faith, but I'm currently taking the steps towards being more intentional with it.

I don't know how it overcame me, but it was something that just sparked a bit last semester, and has really begun to catch fire this semester.

So last semester, I decided, "well if I'm going to claim that Hebrews 12:1 as my life verse, I should at the least read through Hebrews". Side note: I didn't actually finish Hebrews just yet, but I will eventually. So I got through I think the first 7 or 8 chapters. Then for whatever reason, I returned back to my life before that, which was fill every minute of free time doing fun stuff, like watching YouTube videos or playing video games, or hanging out with friends. Not like there's something bad about all that, but it's just not the best use of my time when I could spend even just a moment or two more with the Lord.

Fast forward to Christmas break. I had this crush on this one girl who was so invested in her faith that it inspired me to be more invested in mine. So I started reading Romans after asking her how she got so invested in her faith. Of which I haven't finished that either. I'm so bad with actually just sitting down and reading the Word.

Fast forward yet again to this semester. It started off as every other semester I've done, and nothing was really different. I made new friends (typically I refer to them as the troll group since we all got together because we "trolled" LU Crushes lol). Somehow, I guess the Holy Spirit must've been on the move, and got me to ask for a Bible study to be started, and somehow, I wasn't the only one who wanted it to happen.

So now we got a weekly Bible study going, and the first 2 weeks have been great and there are ways I can instantly apply what I learned. We've been going through Proverbs, and week 1 touched on sexual immorality and temptation, and then week 2 was learning how to bounce back in the event we fall to our temptations again. It's bound to happen since we are human, and humans are sinful by nature.

Bring this all to last night, March 3rd, 2019. Somehow we were talking about death (I think because of a millennial meme about wanting to be older, then at 18 just wanting to die). I for some reason said that I wasn't sure if my spiritual life was strong enough that if I were to die that I would go to Heaven. You might be confused like "Geoff, you claim to be a Christian, but you're not sure if you'd go to Heaven? That's not how that works". I'd beg to differ. A lot of people at LU would claim they are Christian, but some of them just don't show it. And sometimes you wonder if any of them actively practice or are just claiming it like how I used to.

Anyways, from there I met up with Tristan and Justin, and then I prayed for God to kill me in a sense that make less of me and make more of Him through me, and to forgive me for my sins, and to make me more intentional in my faith. To also receive and learn more of Him so that I may be able to pour into others, and that my actions will glorify the Kingdom of God.

I didn't feel any different for a little while, but a couple hours later (right now), I all the sudden felt no worries in this world, and felt a peace I had never known. It seems to me that the Holy Spirit is on the move, and that I'm making the right steps towards the end goal of where I'm supposed to be. Getting closer to the design that God had intended for me ever since I took my first breath. Ever since my cells began to divide to create me (life begins in the womb).

Anyways, this peace feels amazing, this joy feels amazing, and now I want more of God, and I will begin to convince myself that holding control of things won't get me anywhere. I will force myself to give it up to God. As if He weren't already in control, but the idea is that I'm declaring that I am not in control.

It'll take work, but if it means I get to keep experiencing this epic peace and happiness and joy, then you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm going to pursue it. If for nothing else but the glory of God. For I am nothing without Him.