3,000

 If I'm being honest, I haven't the slightest clue the last time I actually uttered the words "I love you". Much less, I cannot even remember the last time I typed it out and sent it to someone (for clarification's sake before someone might say "you just wrote it write now"). There's a couple of points I will make on the topic.

First and foremost, maybe it's just because I'm not necessarily an open romantic, in that I don't say it to the people I do love, whether it be a familial or platonic or romantic relationship. I mean sure I haven't exactly been in a romantic relationship or even close to one in a long long time, but at the very least familial and platonic relationships have definitely been around. And sure I guess it's not the same context as saying it to those people in those respective relationships. If I were to say I love a friend, that wouldn't be the same as me saying I love a family member. And similarly so that would not be the same kind of love I can or would express towards someone I have a physical or emotional attraction to. There have been points tossed around that sometimes it's the little things and the little thoughts that count. That sometimes you don't have to say "I love you" to a friend or a family member, but it's the tiny gestures that basically show the level of care and kindness one wishes to express.

For example, while I seriously cannot remember the last time I said "I love you" to my sister, I do think about her whenever I see a cute little glass container (i.e. one time we had to emergency buy a small thing of rosemary leaves for work, and when it was empty, I took it home for her), or if I see an artsy thing that I think is cool and that she may like herself. Or platonically speaking, if I help out friends without them asking me, or just even letting them know I am listening to their conversations and trying to give it my best thought or opinion. Not that that is the only way one could express love for the people in their life, but just a couple of examples.

Now, perhaps a potential reason for me to not use the phrase anymore or at least not recently is because deep down I've been hurt when it comes to that phrase. And this is the part where you might be thinking, "welp, here we go again." And honestly, you're right, and I'm in a similar boat of "why are we going back to this same topic that we overwrote about and belabored over and over again for the majority of 2020?"

I mean who knows. Maybe this all boils down to just reaching in deep, pulling everything about that past relationship out, and truly and really making an effort to let it all go. Because if I'm going to constantly harp on the one person day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, etc. then how will I ever be able to prepare myself for the day that I (hopefully) get into a relationship that is right for me?

As the way that I see it, this one girl she was pretty much the "right" person for me, but as it would seem the "wrong" time. And as the saying going, wrong person + right time = wrong person, right person + wrong time = wrong person, and only right person + right time = right person. And there is definitely some truth to that. Because as it stands, I thought I found the so called "soulmate", the "One" if you will. Between personality, physical prettiness, goals and aspirations in life, you name it. But it must not have been the right time or not all the check boxes have been, well, checked off. One source would say it was a commitment issue on their end as it would be tough to start a relationship long distance when there used to be a common ground to maintain some semblance of a close-proximity style for the time being. I mean that's just an assumption, I don't really know and probably won't ever really know why the fissure cracked open and separated us.

Back to the original point, the last person I actually texted that I love them was the one girl. And sure maybe we moved quickly, ya know hur dur stereotypical Christian university relationships, am I right? Maybe it should be a lesson learned that those 3 words have power and strength and create bonds deeper than previously imagined or known. That they shouldn't be used lightly and towards whomever holds some romantic interest at the time unless there is something consistent and growing between people. Maybe it's a harsh lesson, but one that needed to be learned.

I'm not saying that I have to force myself to start using that phrase so often that it starts wearing itself out even on the familial or platonic standpoints, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to at least say it once in awhile to show my appreciation for my friends and for my family. I mean worst comes to worst, I could always use an alternative phrase that effectively means the same. I could just say that I appreciate them. Side note, that was the original phrase I would use with the girl and she to me whenever I would get stressed out or what have you. Perhaps initially it was more of a platonic appreciation but it did get to a point where it was used in a more romantic context until there was ultimately the usage of an emoji that resembled the ASL sign for the phrase this whole post is dedicated about.

I guess that's where I'm at for now. And on the other hand I need to ponder if it's even a good idea for me to indulge myself and think on and continuing writing more and more blog posts about this one girl. I guess she did leave my mind for a good while, but now things are re-appearing, pretty much exactly a year later from some level of a make-up to now back to shambles and radio silence. And added with the fact of my reconvening with a former best friend who is now a mutual friend from I to him and him to her and naturally there may be brief mention of them playing games or socializing as they've gone on as a group without the toxicity which I formerly was (and honestly potentially still am but I'd like to think I've improved, but to that I'll let this friend gauge that progress).

I Still Care

Tonight I had the awesome pleasure of hanging out with a good friend from Liberty and while I was technically writing a paper for school, it was nice to talk and just catch up in the meantime. I really enjoy every moment I can get to talk or hang out, as it's always been a pleasure with him, even with some of the past low. The high points are what matter, and the low points are what shapes us, I'd like to think. Plus with the added bit of being blessed with a second chance, I should take it graciously and respect the value of the gift to do things as I wish I would've that fateful day. To be better and know better than before. Mistakes are how we learn, and depending on the severity will determine the level of grace we are shown from our fellow man.

With that being said, naturally some topics or events that include former friend circles do appear every now and then. And whilst I am friendly with the majority of those old circles, there is still one part that I don't know if there will ever be reconnection or restitution with. I try my best to not think of it often but it does come up every now and then, especially more so with the reconvention of old friends, taking up arms together once again.

I'm not saying that I must try to restore or regain friendships or connections to people I once was friends with, because then I have a lot of high school friends that I should work on getting back in touch with before worrying about something more recent like Liberty friendships. And I'm also not saying that I should attempt to rekindle a friendship with a former love interest (if you will) especially given the heaviness of damage and how deep ties went. As I've definitely expressed and experienced the pain and hurt of losing her and losing what I deemed to finally be the one chance or the one break in all the rejections and ghostings, I must realize that she must have been similarly hurt, and potentially even more. Between knowing that she has stated she seldom keeps "real friends" around because most people would leave her at the first sign of trouble (poor phrasing but basically as soon as any issue or slight friction arrives they disappear), and the fact that I believe I was the second person to get emotionally close to her, to ultimately abandon her (my fault for not doing well academically, but also something that was just snowballing up that I was too blinded by the in the moment stuff to realize that that issue can and will complicate things), I'm sure it hurt.

Yet, here I am, wondering how she's doing. I don't even know if she thinks about or wonders about how I'm doing, although I guess there is this blog and it's not terribly hard to find. Especially since she used to be one of the frequent fliers if you will and read my posts regularly, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some easy way to find the way back here. Regardless if I am ever in her thoughts, why do I feel the need or the want to know that she is okay and doing well? I'm no longer a part of her life, and she no longer a part of mine. We've gone our separate ways and this has been like this for a year now, and here I am wondering if things could just rewind a little to even just having the friendship again. She's deleted her social media accounts and/or has blocked me so I can't see if there's been anything, and the only means of connection is texting from phone numbers, to which I know she hasn't blocked (well as of just a Merry Christmas text to which I got a simple "Merry Christmas" in return). Maybe it's best to leave it and just acknowledge that that ship has long since sailed and there is no turning back or going back. All there is is to go forward and learn from the past mistakes, wreckages, goof ups, screw ups, etc. And if someone shows grace and gives you a second chance, you take that chance and you run with it. You do better to show that you've grown and become better. You show them that you can fly and you can soar and not be stuck in some immature past and lash out and be rash. Show them the growth. Show them the potential. Show them the true you, even if the downfall was technically the true you. But show them where the true you has developed to.

At the end of the day, maybe deep down I just still care for her. Not so much in the lovey dovey romantic sense, but just because I once had a love for her and a genuine one at that. To just be reassured that even after the damage I've done that she can thrive and have a good life and wasn't permanently ruined by me. I guess I'm just hoping that I'm not the reason everything is still upside down in the sense that I hopefully didn't create a set of events that knocked her down for the count. To hoping that she could have and has gotten back up, and thriving more than ever. Even if it means without me, I think I'm okay with that.

All in all, I guess I just need to stop worrying about her and if she happens to come up in conversation, then let it happen and don't unnecessarily hold on to that topic or push to find out if she's been okay. Trust that everything is fine now and that some day I'll find someone else to pour all my love and energy into. But right now, that someone is me. Not in a narcissistic way, but I must realize that before I can love another and hope for another to pour their love unto me, I must be able to work on myself and love myself in a manner that I respect and am proud of myself for where I've been and where I've grown and gotten to. That's what's important. Because I already know I have the capacity to genuinely and strongly love others, but can I love myself?

A Week Away

Here we go....

So just watched a feel good Christian movie that just released on Netflix called "A Week Away". Brief synopsis (spoiler alert) is a teenage deviant who lost both his parents at a young age either has a choice to go to juvie or a summer camp. Ultimately it is a Christian summer camp and his experiences help to change his life.

The spoiler alert is more for the content of my post as it might reference the movie, but also it's pretty predictable if you ask me and a bit cheesy, but still a nice movie

With that out of the way, it made me feel something from within. At first I wasn't super into watching it as it sounded kinded meh, but I figured why not just try it and it was actually entertaining. It was fun to watch and made me reminiscent of my time at Liberty. And one might be like "well if it's cheesy, why would that be a good thing that it reminds you of Liberty? Wouldn't that make the school cheesy?" Well, perhaps yes, but I'd also firmly say no. It's not all the fantastical and rehearsed dance numbers that everyone just falls into place doing, and not everyone just breaks out into song when something needs to be conveyed. But just the fun that could be had from the activities they portrayed. The singing and congregating around campfires, oh how that was so much fun the few times I got to do it. Or just gathering together, playing games and just making memories. All whilst most everyone was okay being a bit more emotionally open and heart to heart conversating as the people there were more understanding and less likely to use that information against another. Admittedly, I've taken my colder experiences from public schooling in a secular community (well there were Christians, but it was more on the down low for information to be shared) and I have caused my fair share of damage from it. So take my word when I say I speak from experience that being open too soon with the wrong people could be used against you later on.

Liberty just holds a super special place in my heart and I've loved every moment I've been there. I can't say that I haven't learned from my time there, nor could I say I didn't enjoy it all. Sure there were bumps in the road, but that's just part of the nature of life. If life were to be easy, then what's the point of living if everything is just immediately handed to you on a silver platter? I've even considered re-applying to Liberty whenever I finish my time at community college, and while I'm still on the fence about it because it is a decent hike away from home and I'm uncertain if I'd want to live residentially again (although I wonder if I didn't live residentially that I might not have the full experience that I had and so dearly love).

I suppose to add insult to injury (metaphorically of course), there were some love stories thrown into this movie. There was one with the protagonist who hid his past because of the track record not exactly being something attractive for someone who followed rules and lived life very Biblically and religiously. And there was one of two people who thought of themselves initially as not good enough for the other. That one feels as if he doesn't have the confidence or that he's too nerdy for the girl. And she's waiting for him to make a move and thinking she can't do anything as she feels inadequate, yada yada yada.

I've felt something in both stories. Not so much exactly, but in one way of hiding my past and crafting a different person during my time at Liberty whilst pursuing (over time) various girls trying to find a relationship. Because in a way I saw most of the girls I had a fancy for in some capacity for whatever period of time, akin to how the girl was that the main protagonist pursued: religious, kind, and potentially scared off by my more crude past. I've not been as delinquent or deviant as the character was, but I'm by no means great. I've been in a fight in middle school (I suppose it counts as fight even if it was only a couple hits back and forth), I talk like a sailor, and my humor was pretty heavy in crudeness and darkness. I can't exactly think of what else I'd be hiding but I probably could think of something if I gave it enough thought. Then the other side is the feeling of inadequacy. I've not been great for feeling good about myself and lacking self-esteem and confidence. I relate to the guy in the movie who can't bring himself to even look or talk to the girl he likes. He even has all these ideas of being nice and kind (such as writing letters to her, but he never sent any of them). And he hasn't the slightest idea that she likes him back (okay well that has very seldom happened to me, but I guess it has happened so I can't claim it never happened).

So where does that leave me? Well, I almost want to relive my days at Liberty. To have the sense of fellowship and as the movie said "to feel like a part of something bigger". I felt at home at Liberty and I'm usually a homebody. I'd usually prefer to just stay at home than to go out, but I go out if I have to. So when I made the choice to go to a school 452 miles away, I was worried I might not like it there. Ultimately, I felt just at home and forgot about the distance most of the time (aside from having to travel home lol). And as far as the relationship area, while yes I have tried to pursue some girls whilst being home since the start of 2020 (all of which not resulting in anything), I feel like I would want a relationship of someone who is so strong about her faith. Because something about it is just.... inspiring? Awesome? Attractive even? I mean while some of the things in my past didn't turn out to be anything these days, but it did help me to learn about different aspects of relationships and also teach me what exactly I want to look for in a relationship (aside from the girl being pretty).

I kinda hate how these movies, while nice as they are, they make me jealous almost because it puts my inner thinkings and feelings on the screen (sort of) and because it is a fictional story, they can script it so that no matter what past there is to hide or how awkward one may be, they still get the girl in the end. And maybe there is some mild truth in that that's how life just works and that it doesn't matter how you feel or perceive yourself that you can find someone who loves you for you.

Fascinating how a simple movie can inspire me to put words on a page (or a screen rather, but you get the idea).

Monitor Yourself

Not sure if I'm gonna title this one but this one has got my blood boiling.

The way our family dynamic works is that we eat dinner together or at least sit around the table together as much as possible. Granted tonight that my dad is working so he wasn't home and that might be the sole reason for the unnecessary brashness.

My older brother, 24 y/o, decided not to eat but at least was at the table. Even then he wasn't present at all during any of the conversations as he was engrossed in his phone (we usually try to not have phones at the table to encourage communication and generating family time).

The first issue was when I was merely expressing my dislike of extending my work hours by just an hour without even asking me. Sure I wasn't at the 40 hours total for a full time job necessarily, but my line of work is hourly with the cap at 40. It's more or less up to you how many or how few you want to work. Obviously too few and you'll just get sacked. So I get it it's 1 more hour and I should just take it and the pay associated with the extra time especially as I should be dropping 2 hours soon. I just personally don't like the 3-4 o'clock hour as business is slow and I'd rather skip the pay and be home or doing something else (it might be worth noting that my hours have been 7 am to 3 pm for a long, long time, so it's just weird they're changing it without even asking if I had the availability. I mean I do, but just even asking out of courtesy would've been nice). My brother says "you can't just say you have to leave at 3 because you don't want to work, that's just life." And sure there's some validity in that statement. However, he's not innocent of it just being "life". Not too long ago (I've not heard much about recently, so I don't know if he's still pursuing it) he was pursuing flight lessons to become a pilot. Good for him and all finding something he enjoys and good on him for it. Not my cup of tea, but to each their own. That being said, say last month or so, he took a "sick day" from work to go flying. Sure he would need those flying hours for qualifications, yada yada yada, but is it not ironic you chose to skip work to do something you'd rather do? Is that not the same as me wanting to be home or even the gym instead of standing around a dead work hour?

I will admit, that doesn't disqualify the truth that sometimes life requires you to do things that are not necessarily wanted, but it had to happen. I get that. But don't come lecturing me about life being that way when you take sick days to go do something else preferred.

The real issue comes some 15-30 minutes later. He apparently is in some bad mood and I have no idea what his problem is. He recently bought 2 new computer monitors and I suppose he figured to finally bring down the monitors he isn't using down to the basement from the second floor (where the bedrooms are). And somehow he figures to try to do it all in one trip. Naturally monitors aren't terribly heavy, however they are bulky, and not really easy to transport fully assembled. When he gets to the main floor, he attempts to turn on the lights to the basement and his grip must've faltered and he drops a monitor down a flight of stairs. Presumably it gets destroyed and that's the end of that. Well so you would think.

He gets mad that that happened (and honestly I would too, because that was something I probably spent money on and watching it not get repurposed). And maybe I took it too personally (in hindsight) and he's saying "no one's helping me as they watch me f*cking struggle". Mind you, my sister and I would've gladly helped, however we never were asked, and we were occupied showing each other TikToks or memes as we found them to be funny. We had 0 clue of what he was trying to accomplish, and with no request for help, why is it suddenly my problem? Sure, he was probably just mad at the situation, but he needs to learn to humble himself when he can't carry 2 bulky objects at once.

So he didn't like that I said "if you wanted my help, you should've just asked". He starts cussing at me saying I don't even remember what. It was incredibly heated, but the key thing is that he was cursing at me from the basement, and I'm in kitchen (the basement stairs entrance is in the kitchen) merely defending myself in the moment as he verbally berates me. Now, before I continue, yes I have sworn at people and yes I'm still not necessarily clean of swearing, but the hostility towards someone for no reason and to continue was uncalled for. Admittedly I wasn't helping the situation by shouting back at him and saying "you think you're so tough using all these words at me, why don't you come up here and say it to my face?"

So that's been my night, how was yours? At the end of the day, this will (probably) just be water under the bridge, but I think I'm gonna give him the cold shoulder so to speak because it's not my fault he decided to lash out at the lack of help that he never asked for. If he wants to be macho man and curse at his own family members, I have no sympathy for how he feels or the whole situation. You get what you deserve.

Time Alignment

 It's a tough thing trying to revive and relive some of the past (to an extent) and create a similar style in the present day, albeit with whatever changes may have ensued since, but the idea of just adapting to current situations and layouts to accommodate and allow for things that once were lost to be found and resurrected. What do I mean by that? Well, I suppose I'm getting at the idea that I've been able to rekindle a friendship with someone I had so poorly and harshly pushed away in my anger. It's been a blast to be able to have that friendship restored, but it just seems that life is getting in the way of really doing anything to inspire new moments that are semi-akin to moments in the past of how we used to hang out and make memories together.

I totally get it, the friendship when it started was all because of school and just happenstance, circumstance, luck of the draw, whatever you want to call it, but just being roommates and managing to kick off a great friendship together as we also happened to share the same calculus class. But now things are different. I'm back at home, 400+ miles away, and he's married and working long days and long hours on the same days I happen to have off. And on the days that he's off, I'm working, going to the gym, and trying to get myself squared away with some education, so it's not exactly easy finding a time to hop online and chat. Sure we have texting and can send each other memes, TikToks, just talk about whatever just like the old days, but it's just different now.

I don't want to sound selfish when I write all of this, as if I had been in his shoes (so to speak), things would be just reversing the roles. Because if I had been married and my wife were off on the days I worked, when I get home I'd give her all my time and attention. So that is understandable and all. I mean in reality, it seems like he wants to hang out and just chill, but life just isn't giving enough common down time to allow for us to connect as we once had it.

As I re-read that last paragraph, I do realize it almost sounds like jealousy or envy (those are the same word I think), so I just want to reiterate that by no means do I think he's wrong for choosing to spend time with his wife over me so to speak. I mean she's there, in person, and there's a stronger connection between a man and his wife than a man to man. Dammit, there's no easy way for me to articulate this in a way that doesn't sound bad. But it is what it is. Basically I am okay with how he chooses to spend his time, and ultimately super grateful for every minute that I get to have with him.

Anyways, I guess I just feel some sort of anger at the world? I don't even know if anger is the proper term because I'm not really angry. Just kind of frustrated perhaps? That I cannot have things exactly as I'd want it to be? In a perfect world (so to speak) I'd not have so much going on so that when he's not working I could spend a good couple of hours with him, but then also let him do as he pleases and spend time with the other people in his life as well. That I'd be able to not feel like I'm constricted to certain times or dates that I'd be able to hang out. As it stands, for the most part it's just Mondays and Thursdays that I would get a chance to hang out with him. And yeah I get it, I said I'm grateful for every minute I can get whenever those minutes arise, but at the same time I would've liked to have more opportunities for those minutes to appear, ya know?

Back during my time at Liberty, sure we didn't always hang out or play video games, but the option was that I'm good to go whenever he had time. And that was 7 days a week. And thanks to my proximity because he lived near the school and I was physically there, it was as simple as "hey, are you free? Wanna come swing by and hang?" Now it's "I'm working until X, if you're free we can log on", and even then that's not as guaranteed (okay so sure even the hanging out when I was at Liberty wasn't guaranteed, but there was so many hoops and hurdles that had to be crossed through in order to set something up. Basically it just seemed super easy to get together than it is now).

At the end of the day, I guess this is just how life is. You make friends and you always want to spend time with people as often as possible. But responsibilities and obligations come up and sometimes you can go days, weeks, even months without seeing or hanging out with someone. I mean even some of my other friends who I'd think I'd gotten close to at Liberty, I haven't texted in literal months. Or even some of my work friends from recent they are busy with their own schooling, the last time I actually got out to hang out with someone was back in end of July/early August. And then that was that.

I guess part of it is my so called "love language". I mean not to say I feel any romantic love, but a friendship kind of love? Like a strong appreciation? Another thing I don't know how to properly articulate, so this is the best you're gonna get. Anyhow, the top language of mine is "Quality Time". So maybe I'm just yearning to get some more interpersonal connection and even just hang out. But between all the changes in life and especially with the pandemic, it's not so easy convincing people to come hang, or even just finding time to do something. There's only 2 coworkers I've actually spent time with outside of work, and that was back in the summer. None of my other friends at work have met up with me (nor I meet up with them). It's a tough balance.

All in all, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm being drained. My energy, my batteries if you will, are depleting and I just want connection. I don't even care if it's romantic connection, I just want platonic connection and to feel re-energized.

Schemers Never Win

Remember how I had some semblance of a plan to possibly try to ask out the new girl at work? Well, as I should've figured, it wasn't going to work because I had most of the steps already planned out, and I had only worked with her for 3 days.

Why, you may ask? Well, because apparently her mom doesn't want her working or going out regularly until her grandma gets fully vaccinated against COVID-19. I would assume they live together or are planning to live together, hence the caution. It's a legitimate reason, but it is a bummer both from a potential relational standpoint and from a workplace standpoint. We're shorthanded as it is, and right when I thought that at the very least I'd get another set of trained hands, we celebrated too soon and lost those hands already. I mean I should've expected as much just because we've had a number of people come and go very quickly in terms of not staying for all too long. Nothing against her particularly, just the track record of new employees, just as either circumstance would have it, or whatever other reason people would have to move on.

I get it, this line of work isn't for everyone and it's not really an end all be all sort of job for most, myself included. In fact, once I finish up at community college I'll probably quit? It depends on where I go to finish my bachelor's, and then it also depends on how tough my classes are and the like if I happen to be local. It also depends on if I ultimately get a new car and have to make car payments, but that's another story for another time.

I understand that COVID can be scary for those who live with the elderly, immunocompromised, etc. I can't say I've illfounded feelings or resentment, just like "dang". I mean I guess at least for this time, it seemed like she was enjoying the job. She seems like a really chill girl and was becoming friends with us, so if nothing else it was probably nice to make some new friends. So there could be the silver lining that she may return to work once her grandma's vaccinated. But then there's no guarantee on several things such as when those vaccinations will occur, how long it will take in between, if there is potential for complications (God forbid of course, but something to consider nonetheless), and if she even wants to come back. It would be a bummer if I never see her again, because if not for me finding an attraction to her, just losing a friend just seemingly moments after forming that friendship, with no means of contact. As far as I know, only 1 of my coworkers has her number, but I think it might be weird to ask her to ask the girl if it's okay for me to have the number. I mean I could've and should've asked for it myself just short of a week ago when I last saw her.

Then there comes the other issue of how I was talking quite a bit to a different girl (one whom I've written about briefly and the same one who I mentioned in "Liquid Courage"). There were definitely feelings for that girl, but at the same time there was the obstacle of long distance as she lives in Virginia, and I here in New Jersey. Not to say that it is impossible, but it definitely would be tough. The issue arises because not too long ago I stopped texting as frequently (I got to a point of good morning and good night texts) and it stopped because it almost felt like I was the only one putting in a lot of effort, so it just burned out relatively quickly. To be fair, this girl would give decently thought out responses, definitely more than simple one word replies, but even then she seldom (or even never) initiated.

Now, I have no problems with the idea of pursuing her for more than a friendship, but my own issue for myself is that I very quickly found feelings/attraction to another girl (the girl from work). I mean maybe because there was the physical aspect of being face to face and hearing her voice, seeing the emotion/reactions to jokes and just minor facial cues whilst speaking. Texting is great and all, but you lose a lot of communication if you can't hear the voice, or see the face, or just read the person's overall feel towards something. It's hard to explain. Then the other "physical" aspect is that she is closer in proximity. I have no clue which town she lives in, but close enough to justify a commute to the same workplace, be it as short as my 5 minute commute, or as long as some of my coworkers going 25-30 minutes with no traffic (I know that even that isn't that long of a commute, but for a foodservice line of work, it's very basic, and a first job sort of deal, so the pay isn't necessarily great enough to warrant a longer commute than that, but if ends need to be met, then ends need to be met). So just being closer and probably in the same state (I've had coworkers from upstate New York, but the state line is close), dating would be a lot easier with less of a time commitment to be within range so to speak, and if something were to happen, then dates could be more frequent or just being together would be a lot easier than 300 miles away (what was I thinking where the one girl I got close with lived 1,457 miles away???).

All of that to say that it almost feels like I'm making the girl from VA sound like a second-option, and I hate that about myself. I never want to be that kind of guy who sets things up so that if one girl doesn't pan out, he already has another lined up to attempt creating a romantic relationship with. I mean sure maybe it is old school or what have you to focus potential romantic energy at one person at a time, but that's all that I feel comfortable with. You can't really tell me to do otherwise, it just feels wrong for me, sorry if that ideology is wrong.

Maybe this is just a sign that for the time being I should chill out and stay single. I mean it almost seems like I'm scheming every single move. And as the title proves, I won't win this way. I feel "dirty" for just the potential perception of second-options, and I'm still occasionally getting the rare wave of sadness, hurt, and missing of people in regards to the one major event in my social life last year (I guess it technically qualifies as social life, because I suppose romance is a subcategory of it all).

Perhaps I should just sort myself out. If things are meant to be, like if there was something between myself and the work girl, if you believe in that soulmate stuff or finding "the One", then I'm certain life will figure itself out and she'll come back to work and maybe things will happen when the time is right. If not, then I'll know I wasn't meant to be with her as some doors need to close so that others can open. The work girl said she had some things she needed to sort out mentally before she tried relationships, and honestly maybe I do too. So if nothing else was gained from my short time with her, then maybe a wake up call of just chilling out and focusing on myself and sorting away any emotional baggage of my own before doing anything to reach out and bond with others romantically.

Ah Sh*t Here We Go Again

 I love and hate TikTok because it kills time and it's usually pretty entertaining. But alas, there are some that hit home, similar to how a few posts ago I wrote about a TikTok that got me thinking. And here we are with another one that I'm thinking over in my head, by the same person who posted that first TikTok.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeBTLENG/

This one is talking about how there was once a person in your life that you had gotten to love and had wanted it all to work out with. That at some point there was hurt mixed in and now that person isn't an option for that "happily ever after". That there were times the hurt would be overwhelming and tears would be shed. That there would be other times in which you wish a person could just disappear altogether from the memories, as well as all of the feelings and the care as well as any remaining love for them would. Very much akin to how I've written about the scene in Batman Begins where the memory of a loved one just becomes poison in one's veins and you'd rather wish they never existed so you wouldn't have to feel that pain

I get it that this TikTok is also supposed to be encouraging and like a cheerleader because there comes a point where after all that is said, that the viewer is "a good person". That no matter that being a good person doesn't take away the pain or the hurt of things ending, that it helps to reassure the viewer that they have the capacity to express and have real and genuine love for another. And that was like a home run and just incredibly heartfelt. It's been a year since the last time I had really communicated with her, because what happened was a few weeks after the falling out, I had made some level of amends with her, and then just the reminders day by day of texting her even 50% like normal evoked feelings of hurt and pain and longing as I couldn't "have her" and I was caught apologizing almost regularly because I was ashamed of the way I had reacted and how I destroyed so many things in my wrath and rage. That at some point she made the call to cut me out entirely, even as platonic friends because she had thought it would have been better for me to not associate to really heal and not fool myself thinking I had healed over however many weeks it had been.

It makes me wonder that maybe I'm not even friends with her now because after she pulled away and said what she thought was best, she realized it came off wrong. She tried to text me in apology, and I left her on read for a month (there are some blog posts somewhere about that actually). And then when I finally responded, she probably gave up and wrote me off (which honestly is totally fine, it probably wasn't even good for either of us ultimately).

Regardless of whether the friendship could have been good or not, it all is what it is. There's no changing the past, there's no removal of those memories we shared, those feelings we once had, none of that is ever truly going to be gone, even if a few years from now it all fades. For me I had thought it was faded and that I would be able to leave it in 2020. But it seems to occasionally plague me here in 2021.

Part of what inspired this particular post is that since there are those TikTok accounts where they have no hashtags and say "if this is on your FYP" and then some random topic is on it, supposedly that this is a sign that it's meant for you and all, one talked about the "perfect dog type". And "mine" just so happened to be the Australian Shepherd. And you know what? Guess what dog she has, and not to mention how we would talk about the litter of puppies they had of that same species?

So between those two TikToks, it just brought everything back to me and I just didn't know what to do with the memories and the thoughts and apparently the very very very distant feelings that linger somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind. Not that I honestly really feel any of the love I once had given her, but mostly just the memories of it all. And it bogs me down a bit.

The issue is that I've tried to move on. I've gone so far to ask one girl out from work (to no avail haha) and had a couple of crushes here and there. And the other issue is that I potentially might be crushing on a new girl at work because she is pretty and from what I have learned about her personality (through talking to her over 3 shifts so far) that she's attractive. What I mean is that her aspirations in life and drive to create her future is lowkey kinda hot. Big goals to own her own business, potentially go to trade school and pursue a career in welding, planning to attend the same community college I'm at to get a degree in business administration (also the same as me, save for my concentration in accounting). Overall, she seems like a great person to be at the very least friends with. Besides she has stated she has some personal things she needs to sort out before even trying a relationship (I will note the topic came up because of something else, not because I tried anything. I'm not that bold).

Why is it an issue? Because I half wonder if these crushes and asking girls out is really because I'm ready to move on, or the thought recently crossed my mind (given that these old memories pop up) that maybe I'm just trying to fill a void or try to overwrite the memories so to speak (like overwriting a PS2 memory card haha, wow that's an old reference). To get the feelings of building a closeness with a girl and sharing some level of intimacy and openness about the inner workings and all that jazz.

I don't know what it is I'm trying exactly. Will I pursue this girl at work? Maybe. I mean I have considered it and have even been analyzing things such as "first impressions" and how she just watched and was entertained how another coworker and I just roast each other (this new girl made a comment about claiming "sparks were flying" between the other coworker and I, but it's just a close friendship, due to the fact that the other coworker is very much spoken for).

Who knows what the case may be. Perhaps I should sort myself out and make sure I really am ready to get into a relationship if on the off chance something begins to bloom between myself and the new girl. I mean I already have created a game plan (which might be bad because you should never plan these things out step by step but here I am). Plan being to just talk to her and get to know her whilst working with her and if things are going well and a good friendship is established over the next month or two (if she stays working that long, we'll see) then maybe I'd ask her out to coffee. Nothing too romantic or committal (is that the right usage of that word?) Something simple enough that it could just be friends getting together outside of the same environment they are in and just getting a chance to sit down and get to know each other better. I don't even know if this plan is good or if it will work or even come to fruition, but we'll worry about that when we get there.

That's all I have for now, I got to get to bed for work tomorrow, I just had all of this on my mind that it would keep me up if I didn't write it down.

Suit Up

A bit of a nonsense post, but today I had to dress up to give a speech for my speech communication class (duh). And it's been a long, long time since I've last worn a tie and dressed up. I mean, sure I dressed up a bit for my dad's birthday at the beginning of February, but as far as ties are concerned? Not since my 21st birthday, mostly due to the pandemic because no social events/gatherings/holiday parties means there's seldom a need to dress nicely, much less put a tie on.

With that being said, one of the speech delivery guidelines said to dress in business attire, and I figured in any speech or presentation I've given for school has required a button down shirt and tie. We'll ignore that many of my classmates weren't in business clothes, save for a couple polos, but there were some solid colored t-shirts, etc. So I just went with what I was used to, and I would never turn down a chance to dress up because it's fun given how rarely I do.

I feel like it boosts my confidence and makes me feel good about my body and everything. I always struggle with body image, but thanks to going to the gym again I feel good whilst lifting weights, and I feel good in nice clothing because it helps to accentuate what I am working on in the gym.

I think I look pretty good dressed up. Also not to mention the Mandalorian, or rather, Mythosaur tie I have. I also have a similarly designed pocket square. All I need now is the either get the cufflinks (although I don't have many shirts that use cufflinks) or the Mythosaur tie bar (or why not both since I might be able to get 20% off and free shipping....)

Anyways, enough of that, I just felt good and wanted to write about it in the event I forget about how good and happy I can be. For the days where I am burdened by past darkness or sadness or hurt that hasn't fully healed. To remember there are still good things in life, even if it's as simple (and reassuring as a man putting a coat around a young boy's shoulders to let him know the world hadn't ended) as dressing nicely.

Liquid Courage?

Well it would probably be a straw man to blame it on the liquids considering at most it was only 1 shot's worth, but nonetheless I wonder if it inhibited my restraint a little haha.

So what did I drink? Just an "Irish coffee", which is coffee (duh), some whipped cream, a bit of green dye, and some Irish whiskey (I forgot which one in particular, I think it started with a G, but no certainty on that). But like I said at most 1 shot's worth, and because I sipped on it throughout dinner (which would've been slowly from 7:45 to 9) I can't imagine I really got inhibited by it. I've only gotten buzzed/drunk off of 2-3 shots in a much shorter time frame.

What is it that I did that could be courageous? Well, I might be texting a girl pretty regularly, as in everyday regularly. She's someone I met online through mutuals back in September 2020. I seldom interacted with her on Discord (where I met her) up til about December or so. There's been a few chats here and there but nothing more. Come January, I kinda felt something, but shrugged it off, and then back in February it started getting stronger. I added her on Snapchat, and somehow got to texting her a bunch. I've complimented her every now and then, but it was kinda fitting for the moment, could just be friendly support. She seems to receive the compliments well though regardless, so it's been good.

Then yesterday she posts on her private snap story and it's her in an oversized sweatshirt, and I made idle conversation from it. Then like 20 minutes after the last thing was said, I just pop back in all like "I hope this isn't weird for me to say, but I think you're cute in that sweatshirt." And there it is. My big, bold moment. Yeah probably not as big as I think it is, nor as courageous as I made it out to be.

Why the whole post? Well because I've never texted a girl that she's cute, save for one other girl I used to like, but that was only after she told me she liked me back. So this was the first time I went for it without knowing her feelings/thoughts on me per sé. She seemed to take it well, saying "thank you 🥺", which I guess is good? Many people have stated that when girls use that emoji, they use it towards guys they think are super sweet. And yeah, she has called me sweet before, so it adds up. However, I have no idea if she normally uses that emoji, so I don't want to assume anything of it since it could just simply be face value and is merely an emoji.

I have some good feelings about it since we still talk regularly even with all these compliments and all, but I also don't want to get my hopes up too much. Preservation of self, ya know? At the end of the day, I should just play it cool, take this as maybe a moment of courage and a bit of luck that it played in my favor. Whatever comes of this will come, all in due time. If it isn't what I hope for, then maybe I'll just have a good friend after it. It's a win-win, just one bigger than the other.

Side note, the only reason I have to be skeptical is that I live about 300 miles away from her. So it will have to be a long-distance relationship if she does let me know if anything is going to happen. Details and logistics that I will figure out when the time comes, should it come.