I Still Care

Tonight I had the awesome pleasure of hanging out with a good friend from Liberty and while I was technically writing a paper for school, it was nice to talk and just catch up in the meantime. I really enjoy every moment I can get to talk or hang out, as it's always been a pleasure with him, even with some of the past low. The high points are what matter, and the low points are what shapes us, I'd like to think. Plus with the added bit of being blessed with a second chance, I should take it graciously and respect the value of the gift to do things as I wish I would've that fateful day. To be better and know better than before. Mistakes are how we learn, and depending on the severity will determine the level of grace we are shown from our fellow man.

With that being said, naturally some topics or events that include former friend circles do appear every now and then. And whilst I am friendly with the majority of those old circles, there is still one part that I don't know if there will ever be reconnection or restitution with. I try my best to not think of it often but it does come up every now and then, especially more so with the reconvention of old friends, taking up arms together once again.

I'm not saying that I must try to restore or regain friendships or connections to people I once was friends with, because then I have a lot of high school friends that I should work on getting back in touch with before worrying about something more recent like Liberty friendships. And I'm also not saying that I should attempt to rekindle a friendship with a former love interest (if you will) especially given the heaviness of damage and how deep ties went. As I've definitely expressed and experienced the pain and hurt of losing her and losing what I deemed to finally be the one chance or the one break in all the rejections and ghostings, I must realize that she must have been similarly hurt, and potentially even more. Between knowing that she has stated she seldom keeps "real friends" around because most people would leave her at the first sign of trouble (poor phrasing but basically as soon as any issue or slight friction arrives they disappear), and the fact that I believe I was the second person to get emotionally close to her, to ultimately abandon her (my fault for not doing well academically, but also something that was just snowballing up that I was too blinded by the in the moment stuff to realize that that issue can and will complicate things), I'm sure it hurt.

Yet, here I am, wondering how she's doing. I don't even know if she thinks about or wonders about how I'm doing, although I guess there is this blog and it's not terribly hard to find. Especially since she used to be one of the frequent fliers if you will and read my posts regularly, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some easy way to find the way back here. Regardless if I am ever in her thoughts, why do I feel the need or the want to know that she is okay and doing well? I'm no longer a part of her life, and she no longer a part of mine. We've gone our separate ways and this has been like this for a year now, and here I am wondering if things could just rewind a little to even just having the friendship again. She's deleted her social media accounts and/or has blocked me so I can't see if there's been anything, and the only means of connection is texting from phone numbers, to which I know she hasn't blocked (well as of just a Merry Christmas text to which I got a simple "Merry Christmas" in return). Maybe it's best to leave it and just acknowledge that that ship has long since sailed and there is no turning back or going back. All there is is to go forward and learn from the past mistakes, wreckages, goof ups, screw ups, etc. And if someone shows grace and gives you a second chance, you take that chance and you run with it. You do better to show that you've grown and become better. You show them that you can fly and you can soar and not be stuck in some immature past and lash out and be rash. Show them the growth. Show them the potential. Show them the true you, even if the downfall was technically the true you. But show them where the true you has developed to.

At the end of the day, maybe deep down I just still care for her. Not so much in the lovey dovey romantic sense, but just because I once had a love for her and a genuine one at that. To just be reassured that even after the damage I've done that she can thrive and have a good life and wasn't permanently ruined by me. I guess I'm just hoping that I'm not the reason everything is still upside down in the sense that I hopefully didn't create a set of events that knocked her down for the count. To hoping that she could have and has gotten back up, and thriving more than ever. Even if it means without me, I think I'm okay with that.

All in all, I guess I just need to stop worrying about her and if she happens to come up in conversation, then let it happen and don't unnecessarily hold on to that topic or push to find out if she's been okay. Trust that everything is fine now and that some day I'll find someone else to pour all my love and energy into. But right now, that someone is me. Not in a narcissistic way, but I must realize that before I can love another and hope for another to pour their love unto me, I must be able to work on myself and love myself in a manner that I respect and am proud of myself for where I've been and where I've grown and gotten to. That's what's important. Because I already know I have the capacity to genuinely and strongly love others, but can I love myself?