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 If I'm being honest, I haven't the slightest clue the last time I actually uttered the words "I love you". Much less, I cannot even remember the last time I typed it out and sent it to someone (for clarification's sake before someone might say "you just wrote it write now"). There's a couple of points I will make on the topic.

First and foremost, maybe it's just because I'm not necessarily an open romantic, in that I don't say it to the people I do love, whether it be a familial or platonic or romantic relationship. I mean sure I haven't exactly been in a romantic relationship or even close to one in a long long time, but at the very least familial and platonic relationships have definitely been around. And sure I guess it's not the same context as saying it to those people in those respective relationships. If I were to say I love a friend, that wouldn't be the same as me saying I love a family member. And similarly so that would not be the same kind of love I can or would express towards someone I have a physical or emotional attraction to. There have been points tossed around that sometimes it's the little things and the little thoughts that count. That sometimes you don't have to say "I love you" to a friend or a family member, but it's the tiny gestures that basically show the level of care and kindness one wishes to express.

For example, while I seriously cannot remember the last time I said "I love you" to my sister, I do think about her whenever I see a cute little glass container (i.e. one time we had to emergency buy a small thing of rosemary leaves for work, and when it was empty, I took it home for her), or if I see an artsy thing that I think is cool and that she may like herself. Or platonically speaking, if I help out friends without them asking me, or just even letting them know I am listening to their conversations and trying to give it my best thought or opinion. Not that that is the only way one could express love for the people in their life, but just a couple of examples.

Now, perhaps a potential reason for me to not use the phrase anymore or at least not recently is because deep down I've been hurt when it comes to that phrase. And this is the part where you might be thinking, "welp, here we go again." And honestly, you're right, and I'm in a similar boat of "why are we going back to this same topic that we overwrote about and belabored over and over again for the majority of 2020?"

I mean who knows. Maybe this all boils down to just reaching in deep, pulling everything about that past relationship out, and truly and really making an effort to let it all go. Because if I'm going to constantly harp on the one person day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, etc. then how will I ever be able to prepare myself for the day that I (hopefully) get into a relationship that is right for me?

As the way that I see it, this one girl she was pretty much the "right" person for me, but as it would seem the "wrong" time. And as the saying going, wrong person + right time = wrong person, right person + wrong time = wrong person, and only right person + right time = right person. And there is definitely some truth to that. Because as it stands, I thought I found the so called "soulmate", the "One" if you will. Between personality, physical prettiness, goals and aspirations in life, you name it. But it must not have been the right time or not all the check boxes have been, well, checked off. One source would say it was a commitment issue on their end as it would be tough to start a relationship long distance when there used to be a common ground to maintain some semblance of a close-proximity style for the time being. I mean that's just an assumption, I don't really know and probably won't ever really know why the fissure cracked open and separated us.

Back to the original point, the last person I actually texted that I love them was the one girl. And sure maybe we moved quickly, ya know hur dur stereotypical Christian university relationships, am I right? Maybe it should be a lesson learned that those 3 words have power and strength and create bonds deeper than previously imagined or known. That they shouldn't be used lightly and towards whomever holds some romantic interest at the time unless there is something consistent and growing between people. Maybe it's a harsh lesson, but one that needed to be learned.

I'm not saying that I have to force myself to start using that phrase so often that it starts wearing itself out even on the familial or platonic standpoints, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to at least say it once in awhile to show my appreciation for my friends and for my family. I mean worst comes to worst, I could always use an alternative phrase that effectively means the same. I could just say that I appreciate them. Side note, that was the original phrase I would use with the girl and she to me whenever I would get stressed out or what have you. Perhaps initially it was more of a platonic appreciation but it did get to a point where it was used in a more romantic context until there was ultimately the usage of an emoji that resembled the ASL sign for the phrase this whole post is dedicated about.

I guess that's where I'm at for now. And on the other hand I need to ponder if it's even a good idea for me to indulge myself and think on and continuing writing more and more blog posts about this one girl. I guess she did leave my mind for a good while, but now things are re-appearing, pretty much exactly a year later from some level of a make-up to now back to shambles and radio silence. And added with the fact of my reconvening with a former best friend who is now a mutual friend from I to him and him to her and naturally there may be brief mention of them playing games or socializing as they've gone on as a group without the toxicity which I formerly was (and honestly potentially still am but I'd like to think I've improved, but to that I'll let this friend gauge that progress).