I love and hate TikTok because it kills time and it's usually pretty entertaining. But alas, there are some that hit home, similar to how a few posts ago I wrote about a TikTok that got me thinking. And here we are with another one that I'm thinking over in my head, by the same person who posted that first TikTok.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeBTLENG/
This one is talking about how there was once a person in your life that you had gotten to love and had wanted it all to work out with. That at some point there was hurt mixed in and now that person isn't an option for that "happily ever after". That there were times the hurt would be overwhelming and tears would be shed. That there would be other times in which you wish a person could just disappear altogether from the memories, as well as all of the feelings and the care as well as any remaining love for them would. Very much akin to how I've written about the scene in Batman Begins where the memory of a loved one just becomes poison in one's veins and you'd rather wish they never existed so you wouldn't have to feel that pain
I get it that this TikTok is also supposed to be encouraging and like a cheerleader because there comes a point where after all that is said, that the viewer is "a good person". That no matter that being a good person doesn't take away the pain or the hurt of things ending, that it helps to reassure the viewer that they have the capacity to express and have real and genuine love for another. And that was like a home run and just incredibly heartfelt. It's been a year since the last time I had really communicated with her, because what happened was a few weeks after the falling out, I had made some level of amends with her, and then just the reminders day by day of texting her even 50% like normal evoked feelings of hurt and pain and longing as I couldn't "have her" and I was caught apologizing almost regularly because I was ashamed of the way I had reacted and how I destroyed so many things in my wrath and rage. That at some point she made the call to cut me out entirely, even as platonic friends because she had thought it would have been better for me to not associate to really heal and not fool myself thinking I had healed over however many weeks it had been.
It makes me wonder that maybe I'm not even friends with her now because after she pulled away and said what she thought was best, she realized it came off wrong. She tried to text me in apology, and I left her on read for a month (there are some blog posts somewhere about that actually). And then when I finally responded, she probably gave up and wrote me off (which honestly is totally fine, it probably wasn't even good for either of us ultimately).
Regardless of whether the friendship could have been good or not, it all is what it is. There's no changing the past, there's no removal of those memories we shared, those feelings we once had, none of that is ever truly going to be gone, even if a few years from now it all fades. For me I had thought it was faded and that I would be able to leave it in 2020. But it seems to occasionally plague me here in 2021.
Part of what inspired this particular post is that since there are those TikTok accounts where they have no hashtags and say "if this is on your FYP" and then some random topic is on it, supposedly that this is a sign that it's meant for you and all, one talked about the "perfect dog type". And "mine" just so happened to be the Australian Shepherd. And you know what? Guess what dog she has, and not to mention how we would talk about the litter of puppies they had of that same species?
So between those two TikToks, it just brought everything back to me and I just didn't know what to do with the memories and the thoughts and apparently the very very very distant feelings that linger somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind. Not that I honestly really feel any of the love I once had given her, but mostly just the memories of it all. And it bogs me down a bit.
The issue is that I've tried to move on. I've gone so far to ask one girl out from work (to no avail haha) and had a couple of crushes here and there. And the other issue is that I potentially might be crushing on a new girl at work because she is pretty and from what I have learned about her personality (through talking to her over 3 shifts so far) that she's attractive. What I mean is that her aspirations in life and drive to create her future is lowkey kinda hot. Big goals to own her own business, potentially go to trade school and pursue a career in welding, planning to attend the same community college I'm at to get a degree in business administration (also the same as me, save for my concentration in accounting). Overall, she seems like a great person to be at the very least friends with. Besides she has stated she has some personal things she needs to sort out before even trying a relationship (I will note the topic came up because of something else, not because I tried anything. I'm not that bold).
Why is it an issue? Because I half wonder if these crushes and asking girls out is really because I'm ready to move on, or the thought recently crossed my mind (given that these old memories pop up) that maybe I'm just trying to fill a void or try to overwrite the memories so to speak (like overwriting a PS2 memory card haha, wow that's an old reference). To get the feelings of building a closeness with a girl and sharing some level of intimacy and openness about the inner workings and all that jazz.
I don't know what it is I'm trying exactly. Will I pursue this girl at work? Maybe. I mean I have considered it and have even been analyzing things such as "first impressions" and how she just watched and was entertained how another coworker and I just roast each other (this new girl made a comment about claiming "sparks were flying" between the other coworker and I, but it's just a close friendship, due to the fact that the other coworker is very much spoken for).
Who knows what the case may be. Perhaps I should sort myself out and make sure I really am ready to get into a relationship if on the off chance something begins to bloom between myself and the new girl. I mean I already have created a game plan (which might be bad because you should never plan these things out step by step but here I am). Plan being to just talk to her and get to know her whilst working with her and if things are going well and a good friendship is established over the next month or two (if she stays working that long, we'll see) then maybe I'd ask her out to coffee. Nothing too romantic or committal (is that the right usage of that word?) Something simple enough that it could just be friends getting together outside of the same environment they are in and just getting a chance to sit down and get to know each other better. I don't even know if this plan is good or if it will work or even come to fruition, but we'll worry about that when we get there.
That's all I have for now, I got to get to bed for work tomorrow, I just had all of this on my mind that it would keep me up if I didn't write it down.
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