Time Alignment

 It's a tough thing trying to revive and relive some of the past (to an extent) and create a similar style in the present day, albeit with whatever changes may have ensued since, but the idea of just adapting to current situations and layouts to accommodate and allow for things that once were lost to be found and resurrected. What do I mean by that? Well, I suppose I'm getting at the idea that I've been able to rekindle a friendship with someone I had so poorly and harshly pushed away in my anger. It's been a blast to be able to have that friendship restored, but it just seems that life is getting in the way of really doing anything to inspire new moments that are semi-akin to moments in the past of how we used to hang out and make memories together.

I totally get it, the friendship when it started was all because of school and just happenstance, circumstance, luck of the draw, whatever you want to call it, but just being roommates and managing to kick off a great friendship together as we also happened to share the same calculus class. But now things are different. I'm back at home, 400+ miles away, and he's married and working long days and long hours on the same days I happen to have off. And on the days that he's off, I'm working, going to the gym, and trying to get myself squared away with some education, so it's not exactly easy finding a time to hop online and chat. Sure we have texting and can send each other memes, TikToks, just talk about whatever just like the old days, but it's just different now.

I don't want to sound selfish when I write all of this, as if I had been in his shoes (so to speak), things would be just reversing the roles. Because if I had been married and my wife were off on the days I worked, when I get home I'd give her all my time and attention. So that is understandable and all. I mean in reality, it seems like he wants to hang out and just chill, but life just isn't giving enough common down time to allow for us to connect as we once had it.

As I re-read that last paragraph, I do realize it almost sounds like jealousy or envy (those are the same word I think), so I just want to reiterate that by no means do I think he's wrong for choosing to spend time with his wife over me so to speak. I mean she's there, in person, and there's a stronger connection between a man and his wife than a man to man. Dammit, there's no easy way for me to articulate this in a way that doesn't sound bad. But it is what it is. Basically I am okay with how he chooses to spend his time, and ultimately super grateful for every minute that I get to have with him.

Anyways, I guess I just feel some sort of anger at the world? I don't even know if anger is the proper term because I'm not really angry. Just kind of frustrated perhaps? That I cannot have things exactly as I'd want it to be? In a perfect world (so to speak) I'd not have so much going on so that when he's not working I could spend a good couple of hours with him, but then also let him do as he pleases and spend time with the other people in his life as well. That I'd be able to not feel like I'm constricted to certain times or dates that I'd be able to hang out. As it stands, for the most part it's just Mondays and Thursdays that I would get a chance to hang out with him. And yeah I get it, I said I'm grateful for every minute I can get whenever those minutes arise, but at the same time I would've liked to have more opportunities for those minutes to appear, ya know?

Back during my time at Liberty, sure we didn't always hang out or play video games, but the option was that I'm good to go whenever he had time. And that was 7 days a week. And thanks to my proximity because he lived near the school and I was physically there, it was as simple as "hey, are you free? Wanna come swing by and hang?" Now it's "I'm working until X, if you're free we can log on", and even then that's not as guaranteed (okay so sure even the hanging out when I was at Liberty wasn't guaranteed, but there was so many hoops and hurdles that had to be crossed through in order to set something up. Basically it just seemed super easy to get together than it is now).

At the end of the day, I guess this is just how life is. You make friends and you always want to spend time with people as often as possible. But responsibilities and obligations come up and sometimes you can go days, weeks, even months without seeing or hanging out with someone. I mean even some of my other friends who I'd think I'd gotten close to at Liberty, I haven't texted in literal months. Or even some of my work friends from recent they are busy with their own schooling, the last time I actually got out to hang out with someone was back in end of July/early August. And then that was that.

I guess part of it is my so called "love language". I mean not to say I feel any romantic love, but a friendship kind of love? Like a strong appreciation? Another thing I don't know how to properly articulate, so this is the best you're gonna get. Anyhow, the top language of mine is "Quality Time". So maybe I'm just yearning to get some more interpersonal connection and even just hang out. But between all the changes in life and especially with the pandemic, it's not so easy convincing people to come hang, or even just finding time to do something. There's only 2 coworkers I've actually spent time with outside of work, and that was back in the summer. None of my other friends at work have met up with me (nor I meet up with them). It's a tough balance.

All in all, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm being drained. My energy, my batteries if you will, are depleting and I just want connection. I don't even care if it's romantic connection, I just want platonic connection and to feel re-energized.